knw55

Each day starts the same for me, the heaviness in my chest, the need to cry and scream for the loss of my dad. I can't cry, I don't know why but I just can't. I have this heavy weight on my chest and my mind says let it all out but I can't. Everytime I think of him I push it to the back of my mind. I don't want to deal with it. I'm thinking of going to counseling, I just feel really alone. Karen

I haven't been to the site in nearly a month, my way of avoiding facing up to the fact that dad is gone. It's been two months, my two friends Paxil and xanax have been helping get through each day. I went to Ohio to see his wife for the weekend two weeks ago. It was hard, we cried. I miss my dad but I'm still hiding from the grief. I don't want to deal with it, it hurts to bad. I did dream of him the other night. Nothing fancy, I just seen him and he was smiling the biggest smile. Maybe telling me he's okay. I just miss him so much. Karen

I find myself wanting to be alone more and more. My doctor has increased my Paxil to 50mg and has also given me Valium 10mg three times a day. I'm still so anxious and find it hard to even cook for my kids. I love my kids so much and I feel like I am failing them because I need time alone. I have a checkup with my doctor Thursday to see how I'm doing. I don't know what to do with myself

My kids spent the night with their grandmother last night so maybe I could have some time to myself and rest some. I've went from being so tired feeling to not being able to sit still. I didn't fall asleep until after 3am this morning and then I didn't stay asleep. I called to check on my step-mom and she has been put into the hospital, she can't handle it. I don't know how long she will be there. She's not talking to anyone, even her daughter. I'm so sad and panicky. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I am afraid I will. I just want to crawl under my bed and hide from the world. Just letting myself slip into crazy and forget it all.

Overall I feel the care my dad received from Hospice was good. However my dad hadn't been dead one hour when Hospice called people to come pick up his oxygen machine and other items he had been using. Is this something they normally do? I found it to be extremely disrespectful. The funeral home hadn't even picked up his body yet, did they think we were going to sell it on E-bay or something? It's really bothered me and I needed to share that. Thanks, Karen

It doesn't seem possible that my dad died nine days ago. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired all of the time, all I want to do is sleep. I get irritable out of nowhere and the moments of sheer panic is so hard to deal with. My four beautiful kids need me and I am trying to make everything as "normal" as possible. Concentrating is impossible. I'm a mess right now and I know it's a long road ahead of me but already I'm tired of the pain, anger, sadness etc...I truly feel like I am losing my mind. I just don't know what to do. Karen

I'm so sorry about your husband. May you find peace and strength through God. Karen

Dad passed away Thursday morning. I was standing by his bed holding his hand. Even though I knew this was going to happen and I was with him, I think I am still in shock. I feel so numb. I came home last night to get my kids for the visitation in Ohio tomorrow. I'll be back home tomorrow night afterwards. Tuesday is another visitation here in Kentucky and Wednesday is the funeral here. He wanted to buried beside my mother. I just feel so numb and can't think straight. As much as I am going to miss him though I am glad he is at peace. Nobody should have to die that way. Cancer is ruthless. Pray for me please. Karen

I came home late last night from Ohio. I'm leaving shortly to go back. My dad lapsed into a coma this morning. They said he can hear them and he's crying but can't wake up. It will take five hrs to get there so I pray I get there in time. My dad has fought so hard through all of this even now to know he is crying. He isn't ready, he doesn't want to die. It's killing me. My eight yr old daughter wanted to make a card for him since I was going back up there. It broke my heart. I'll update when I get back. Thankyou for all the prayers, please continue to pray. Karen

I got a phone call from my step mother today. If I want to see my dad I need to come now. I am leaving for Cincinnati as soon as my husband gets home from work tonight. The hospice nurse said in the next week, maybe a little more dad would be in a vegetative state. She also said in a couple of days dad would no longer be able to talk. His pain is bad, I know he's taking 360 mg of Oxycoton every twelve hours plus stuff in between. He won't go to bed because he is afraid he will die in his sleep and he doesn't want to. I wish I had something to say to him to make it all easier for him. I hate this. I don't want dad to be scared and afraid to let go. I dread this trip, I have to say goodbye to my daddy. Pray for my family please. When I get home Sunday night I'll update. Karen

I just spoke with my step-mom about my dads blindness. It is in his brain, which is what I figured but hearing it didn't make it any easier. Dad still sends a message through her that he doesn't want anyone to see him again. It's to hard for him. Maybe he will change his mind. I find it hard to imagine that the last time I hugged him was the last. I remember him holding on so tightly. It doesn't seem possible it was only two weeks ago. I'm trying to hold myself together. My four kids are home today, no school. I've held myself together through this whole thing, being the strong one. Lately I feel that isn't going to last much longer. I know it would be hard but I would like to see him again. I feel like it's desertion. I know I'm rambling, my mind is going so fast and I'm trying not to cry.

My step-mom called yesterday to tell me my dad is blind. This broke my heart, I've cried until my eyes are swollen. Dad has asked that everyone stay away, he doesn't want anyone to see him like this. She said he fell in his bathroom, then threw up alot of dark looking blood. Is blindness a part of this? Does that mean it is now in his brain? I don't understand any of this. I have lost alot of people in my life and have always managed to praise God for the time they were here, but this time I am angry! I sat outside yesterday after we got off the phone sobbing and demanding to know why. It hurts me so much to think my dad can't see. When will it ever be enough. I don't want dad to suffer anymore but I'm not ready to let him go either. Help me. I hurt so bad. Karen

It's been awhile since I have posted. We have moved and am just now getting my internet back up. My dad is slowly going downhill. He's now having problems urinating, walking, he's getting confused at times. It's so hard and I am soooooo angry. The strongest man I've ever known is no more. He has spirit though. Hospice brought him a walker and wheelchair, he refuses to use both. He still refuses to sit while taking a shower. I love my dad so much, I hate all of this. I just want my dad to be okay. Why, Why, Why!!!!!!!!! God Bless you all--Karen

My step-mom called today. Hospice is now part of the picture. Dad agreed to bring them in finally. He hasn't been able to sleep in 48 hours, they have raised the dosage on this pain medicine. He hasn''t been able to keep any solids or liquids down. Hospice is suppose to be getting him a different nausea medication. They wanted to put him in the hospital for a couple of days, they said his body needed to be regulated but he refused. I am glad dad has finally allowed Hospice to come in but at the same time I am scared that it means he's going to be gone soon. My dad the strongest man I've ever known has let Hospice into his house to help him, that scares me so much. I don't want this all to happen. I am trying to accept it as each day goes by but it is so hard. I truly thank God that I found all of you. Being here helps me so much. Thankyou all from the bottom of my heart--Karen

I had a pretty good visit with dad this past weekend. He is trying to eat at least once a day but it usually comes back up. He said he is throwing up alot of yellow and green stuff. Infection? He is in alot of pain. He said his insides feel like they are on fire. His doctor has him on oxycotton but he doesn't like taking it and does only when he can't take the pain anymore. He doesn't sleep much, he doesn't want to die in his sleep. He wants to die outside. He doesn't want Hospice called in. His wife is a mess. She can't stop crying, she is extremely depressed. She takes Lexapro and xanax as needed but it doesn't help her. I fear she may have a nervous breakdown. Dad tries to talk about dieing and she tells him to stop she can't handle it. I know it hurts dad seeing her like this too. There is nothing I can do for either of them and I feel so helpless. I hate cancer.