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asmakis

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Everything posted by asmakis

  1. asmakis

    Almost a year...

    April 3rd will mark the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's passing. Sometimes it is so hard for me to believe that he is gone. These last couple of weeks have stirred up a lot of memories of what our lives were like a year ago. My daughter was just about to turn 2 and now she's almost 3. She was the light of my dad's life and now the memories for her are starting to fade. I have a son now too, he is almost two months old. I never got to tell my dad that I was even pregnant- that is hard for me. There are many times throughout the week that I find my mind drifting towards thoughts of my dad and sometimes I cry. I suppose my feelings are all natural, including the ones where I feel that life is not fair. My dad was only 62 healthy years old, and then Cancer happened. Oh well, these are just my thoughts for today.
  2. asmakis

    Disconnected

    I agree with you completely. I don't think that feeling of numbness ever truly goes away completely. I'm approaching the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death and I still have that feeling of numbness every now and then as well as a lump in the back of my throat. I can say that it gets easier, although I'm not really sure what that means sometimes. I can say though that this is the greatest place to vent and get support for your feelings. My thoughts are with you, Amanda
  3. Welthy, I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you. :)Amanda
  4. It has almost been 7 months since my dad's passing and I still hurt everyday. Some days are better than others. I am having a hard time remembering my dad before he was sick. He was only sick for 13 months, and yet him being and looking sick is what I remember. I hope soon, I start remembering what he was like before. Grieving sucks, but I dont' want to stop because if I stop then somehow it makes me feel like I'm moving on without him.
  5. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. The only positive thing I can say about my dad dying was knowing that he wouldn't be in pain anymore, and that he'd be taken care of in his new home. My faith in that has carried me for two months now. Please know that my thoughts are with you.
  6. It's been just over two months since my dad's passing and I feel as though I'm grieving more now than I did when he first passed. I think the fact that I haven't seen him in a couple of months has really made me miss him. Knowing that I won't ever get to hug him or tell him a funny story about Madelyn, makes me so terribly sad. I am also newly pregant so I am sure my hormones are all over the place, but either way it's still grief knowing that there is nothing I can do to bring him back. I wish everyday that he were here and cancer free, but even that's not reality. It's funny, well not really funny, but I remember when the doctor told my dad that he only had a few months to live, I remember asking my dad how he was and he replied, "It's like I just got slapped in the face with a wet towel". I feel that same wet towel everyday. I have continued to go on everyday, because my dad did remind me that I have responsibilities as a mother and wife, so I refuse to let him down. I just can't stop missing him. -Amanda
  7. asmakis

    My first First

    I feel for you so much. My dad passed in April and I am already having anxiety about Father's Day. I do hope that things will get better for you. Maybe you can still keep up some of the same traditions with the rest of the family- it may make you feel closer to her some how.
  8. asmakis

    Does it count?

    I too thought I was in denial, and I too said that I was probably in denial. I remember the morning my dad died, my mom, husband, sister and I went to the funeral home and made the arrangements, and then we went to lunch. I remember siting there and discussing Mom's future and what all of us kids were going to do to help out. I was so calm, I didn't cry, I just talked like it was normal everyday stuff. In the back of my mind, I knew it would hit, maybe later that day, or that week, but it never did. It has been almost two months since my dad has passed and I have yet to sob uncontrolably like I was planning. I do however get teary eyed thinking about my daughter (2 years old) and how she's stopped talking about Papa lately. It makes me so incredibly sad to think that she won't have him in her life. I suppose the only thing that I keep holding on to is the fact that my dad is having good days now, and that he is no longer in pain. Although, Cancer should have never happened in the first place. Please know that everything you are feeling is natural. Even if you don't break down, it doesn't mean that you aren't grieving.
  9. asmakis

    tarceva

    Geez I feel like the barer of bad news today, but I remember appreciating honesty when my dad was going through this. Anyway, the Dr's. told my dad that his type of cancer typically does not repond well to Tarceva. He never came out and said 5% chance. My dad was on Tarceva for 49 days before he died. The cancer ended up spreading out of control in his lymph nodes in his chest .- This was called Lymphangatic Spread. I remember typing on this post and asking about Tarceva, and I will say that so many people came back with positive things to say. I'm just sorry (in more ways than one) that mine is negative. My thoughts are with you, Amanda
  10. My dad had gone into the hospital with similar symptoms and origninally the dr's. thought pneumonia, but come to find out it was Lymphangitic Spread. My thoughts are with you.
  11. Grace, I find a similarity between yourself and my mom. My mom lost her husband (my wonderful father) just two weeks ago, and she finds herself facing so many challenges with the house and life. My dad did just about everything and it seems that my mom is lost without him. The difference between your situation and our own is that I and my sister are grown adults- 28 and 31. We are able to help my mom around the terribly big and older home. The part though that I'm not able to help my mom with though is the lonliness she feels when she sits alone at night, or the lonliness she feels when she goes out in public and sees so many husbands and wives going about their business. There is nothing that I can do to fill this void and I wish I could. I wish too that there was something magical I could say to fill your void, but I just can't. I miss my dad everyday, and the only, the only thing that truly gives me comfort is knowing that he is having better days now. My thoughts are with you, Amanda
  12. My dad did ok on Alimta. I would say the greatest side effect was fatigue. Unfortunately, his cancer only remained stable for a short time and then began to grow again. My thoughts are with you. -amanda
  13. I remember when we found out that my dad had a brain met. We were devestated and then someone posted and said "brain met, brain schmet" or something like that. Well anyway they were right, after 10 radiation treatments, it was 99% gone. He never experienced anymore awful headaches. My thoughts are with you. Warmly, Amanda
  14. My dad had squamous cell. He too responded very well to the first line of treatment, but unfortunately after that, his response was not what the doctors had hoped. He was given 6 months to a year, and he made it just over 13 months. My dad's bio below shoud do a pretty good job with indicating which chemo's he took, but if you need to know anything else, please don't hesitate to ask. :)Amanda
  15. Flowergirlie, I am so sorry for your loss. I saw your post on mine and felt so sad to hear of your husband. Please know that I'm thinking about you. Lots of hugs sent your way. Warmly, Amanda
  16. At 2:30 this morning (April 3rd) my dad passed peacefully in his sleep. After a day of being in and out of consciousness and laborious breathing, my beloved, most wonderful dad left this world. I am so relieved that he's not fighting so hard anymore. In his final moments I kept telling him that I loved him and that he could go to heaven now. Earlier in the day I kept telling him that I loved him and he even had the energy to tell me he loved me too. He fought for just over 13 months, and always remained dignified and compassionate. My daughter Madelyn (2 years old) says that Papa is "upstairs", and she's so right. I feel so terribly sad, that I can't stop crying as I type this. But, I wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciate all that you have done for me and my dad. I relayed all the information that I was given about my dad's cancer to my dad, and I kept in my heart all the wonderful cyber hugs. Love, Amanda
  17. I jsut found out that my dad has 2 weeks left to live. He is being sent home from the hospital with Lymphangitic spread. The doctors thought it was pnemonia but it turned out to be much worse. Does anyone have any experience with Lymphangitic Spread? I don't know what to expect, and I'm so scared.
  18. I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine what that must of been like. All I can say now is that at least his suffering has come to an end and that he is in a better place. Warmly, Amanda
  19. My dad was admitted to the hospital today with an oxygen level of 83. After a chest xray and a CT scan, it was confirmed that he has pnemonia related to the cancer that has now also spread. (The Tarceva did not work ) The doctor hopes to get the pnemonia cleared up and have him home by Friday, but I just don't know. He couldn't even sit up to eat some cheerios. This is the worst I have ever seen him or heard him. When he breathes it sounds like he's blowing bubbles under water. I just don't know what to do or say, I'm somewhat numb, but also so scared. My mom talked to the nurses and his oxygen is currently hovering between 93 and 94. Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble, I'm just trying to get it out. Amanda
  20. My dad was rushed to the Dr./hospital this morning. All night he had gurgling in his chest and feeling incredibly week. So far I have found out that his oxygen level is 82 and as he was sitting he got a horrible bloody nose. Why the bloody nose? I'm scared.
  21. Hi there and welcome to this site. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate with what you are feeling. Please know that we are here for you. -Amanda
  22. I had posted earlier in the week about my dad's SOB while on Tarceva. But last night he mentioned that he has been coughing up green phelgm. Could this be a sign of infection because it's green?
  23. My dad has been on 150mg of Tarceva for 4 weeks now and as of late been experiencing SOB more so than usual. My fear is that Tarceca is not working. I have a couple of questions. 1) Has anyone else experienced SOB with Tarceva and had good results? 2) Any ideas of what the Dr. might put my dad on next if the CT scan in a week from now shows growth? Any help is greatly appreciated. -Amanda
  24. asmakis

    Alimta

    My dad started out well on Alimta, but then it started taking its toll. He lost his appetitite, and at times just couldn't get food down. He also was extremely fatigued. The Dr. ended up putting him on a steriod which helped with both appetite and fatigue. The Alimta keep the cancer stable for a couple of months, but then the cancer began to grow again. Although, and I'm sure you are going to experience this a lot, but different chemo's work differently for people. Best of luck. - Amanda
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