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I wish I could wave the magic wand. My Christmas was rough too - Arnold' spassing is way too fresh. Nothing seemed right. I tried, but no matter how much I wanted to do otherwise, I cried. I think a lot of us did that and now I think it's not so bad to cry. I think I'll try to do things differently next year. because it will never be the same. I might as well find some new ways to do things. I pray that God will grant you strength for each new day.

I am so sorry for your great loss, but I am also thankful you had that precious time together at the end. I know you will always cherish that moment. I often spoke to Arnold about who was coming to see him. for days I told him that our son Phil, would be here. Arnold couln't not keep track of time, but he lived to see Phil. On sunday morning I told him that Phil was on his way and would be here in a few hours. He was seldom concious by this time, but when Phil arrived, i was sitting with him and said,"Phil is here". He woke, reached up and said Oh, son, gave him a hug. These were virtually Arnold's last words. What a blessing to witness this. I know that your pain is great and can't even imagine it getting better. I pray God's care for you and your brothers. It is so very difficult to say goodbye. Keep holding each other up and remembering your mother. don't forget to cry, and even laugh, as much as you want.

You have had several replies, but here goes with one more. 1. Your husband should klow the extent of his disease. My husband and I talked about all of the odds (not in his favor). 2. never give up hope. there are miracles. Even when its tough, keep the faith. 3. Live each day to its fullest and be thankful for every one that you have. 4. Be honest with each other and always say I love you" and "I'm sorry" There is no more difficult time of life for the patient than surviving cancer. Be there for each other. Hold each other up moment by moment.

I just recently went through the same thing. it is so hard when your loved one is having such a difficult time breathing. Nothing was more difficult for Arnold than the shortness of breath. It is a time of such mixed feelings for us as care givers and close family. Give him your love - tell him every chance you get that you love him. Tell him it ok to let go (no matter how much it hurts). He needs your support in this process. Most of all he needs to be loved. My prayers are with you. don't be afraid to cry. May God grant you thestrength and courage you need today and in the coming days.

this is my first Christmas alone as well. My husband died Nov 14, 2006. I am so thankful for a strong faith and loving family and friends. as you stated so well, there is no way to prepare for the pain, the emptiness, or deep sorrow. My prayers are with you today. May god surround you with His strong arms of love and give you and extra measure of strength to get through this very tough time.

Karen, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is for you. I lost my husband in Nov. from lung cancer. I certainly will pray for you.

On one of our oncologist appointments, i asked the doctor how to tell the difference between disease and drug symptoms. His answer: "That's the $64,000 question." In other words, it's very hard to tell sometimes. when Arnold was home on hospice care, the nurse was so good about asking phamacists, doctors and other nurses about the things Arnold was experiencing. I too, tried minimizing the morphine which cause so much confusion, but it created other problems. Arnold did not have brain mets so I have no experince with that part of it. I do know that when he started haveing problems with hallucinations, they added medication to counteract that. He did struggle with communicating, but did not have trouble with naming things incorrectly. As others have suggested, I kept very precise redors of any thing he was taking, any thing I observed day to day and comments he made. All those things together helped the docotros and nurses make informed decisions about treatment. I wish I could give you better information, but don't let down. if your current doctor doesn't listen or take action, by all means seek another. Your mother's care is the most important thing right now. I pray that god will give you the wisdom to care for your mom and make the best decisions on her behalf. I pray that He will give strength for each moment, each day.

i haven't posted for a long while. arnold came home fromthe hospital in mid Sept.. he was released to hospice care. I was able to keep up with live chats and a few posts, but the strain of care giving, visiting family and trying to work, left little time for anything else. Arnold died on Nov 14, 2006, 8:30 pm. We were so thankful to have him at home. Our youngest son was released from his job to come and help with his father's care. I was able to work quite a bit. John was able to go home every week-end for a break. Though this was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, I would never have it any other way. the only regret I have is that I had to work at all. I wish I could have been with Arnold full time. I was so blessed by frineds and family. Our small community gave tremendous support through out the illness. My family continues to do what they can, but they are not too close by. Now, I struggle being home alone in the evenings. i try visiting friends, but it is so hard without Arnold. we always played pinocle together - three handed just isn't the same. going to church alone is so different. I still love to be in worship, but it is very different without him by my side. I cry myself to sleep every night and wonder when I will ever sleep through the night again. I have learned so much in this ongoing journey. I have a friend at work whose husband is battling lung cancer as well. We share so much. I ache for her and yet I pray that their journey will be different than mine. I know now, that many of the "platitudes" that well meaning people use, don't help. I know what not to say. I know that the loss is great regardless of age or lenghth of illness. Each of us will grieve in our own way and it is right. I thank God daily that he gives me the strength to keep going when I don't want to. I thank Him for the years we had together and the family He gave us, but still I miss Arnold so very much.

thank you for all of the advice and encouagement. Yesterday was a very rough day. His heart rate went very high and his O2 sats low. He was of course very anxious. I took a lot of time to get him to settle down. finally he was able to sellp for 3 hours in the afternoon (it all began at 3:30 am) As for hospice, it is so hard for me to let people know that I am very thankful, but it is tough to deal with so many different people. WE had not been back from the hospital for 1 hour when I was having to answer a lot of questions. We were all very tired and just wanted to get my husband settled in. Once I got over the the intial onslaught, I figured I could handle it. and I am doing alright. arnold on the other hand told the hospice volunteer co-ordinator that he did not wnat any one here. I'm sure you understand the feelings of being overwhelmed with being care giver, and all of the other responsibilities that don't go away - then adding more stuff on top of that. Bottom line, I am very thankful for the services. I will adjust. as for eating, I try to have things on his table all day that he can choose from. I offer him other things but do not force him. He is drinking well, but has not appetite right now. That changes from day to day as well. I am thankful for all of you. This support is great for me. Thanks you

Thanks Chris - I think I am overwhelmed right now. Once I get past all of this intial "stuff", I will be better able to limit things. Right now, the pressure is on to meet with every one at least once. I found myself this morning even wishing that one of our best friends would just leave us alone for a while. what a terrible thing that is. I'm so glad I didn't say that, because i really do love and appreciate them. I'm just tired and want some time alone. Thanks again for th egood advice.

I am so sorry about the report. Definitely get another opinion. check out all of your options. I am praying for the decisions you have to make and for wisdom and peace in dealing with your mom. Never give up hope!

We are so blessed with friends and a wonderful church. A short time ago, freinds from the church came in daily to care for Arnold so I could go to work. When he was hospitaliizwd on 9/10, I took two weeks off to take care of him. Two of our sos were with me at the hospital. A daughter from Texas is coming this week and will stay for 10 days along with our youngest son. He will stay long term while I work as much as possible. Friends continue to come in. Thye let me get awy, go to the store, etc. One even took my car to a nearby community for servicing (nearby meaning 50 mi). I am somewhat torn right now. I do appreciate hospice, but I am also weary of all the "new" people coming in and calling. I would like a little less right now - seems like we have no privacy at all. If I turn down any part, I am called again and told how important it is. Example - We have great support from our own pastor, I really do not need or want another "chaplain", but I am pressured to let her come. So though I want to rest, I have to make time to have a number of people here and take phone calls. I don't wnat to seem ungrateful, I just want a little less so I can rest and take care of Arnold. Our nurse is wonderful. She came on with home health a few weeks ago. I have taught her children and already have a good relationship with her. Arnolf loves her. She is so kind and sweet. Such a big help with his care. I'm very thankful she is still with us with the transition to hospice. Arnold is getting so tired, he asks for his kids, but is tired from too much company. He seldom awakens when others are here. It sure is a tough call with how much is too much. thanks to all of you for your responses.

thank you for your kind words. Your prayers mean a great deal to both of us. we are Christians and know that God is in control. He never promised that life would be easy, only that He would be with us every step of the way. i am so thankful for His promises and for the certainty of where Arnold will spend eternity.

My husband was diagnosed with NSCLC in May. I remember all too cleary all of the questions, emotional turmoil, etc. We still live an up and down existence. I can say for sure, take each day, sometimes, hour, as it comes. It has been very hard for me to not plan anything, becasue each day brings something unexpected, but I am learning to cherish the times. We have grown much closer even after 32 years of marriage. I wouldn't give up, but check into some other choices. there are some other therapies available that could make things easier. I'm new to this forum, so I don't know whether it is acceptable to name places. Don't lose hope, but do talkabout the tough things now. I pray that God will grant you wisdom and peace inthis very difficult journey.

My husband has low blood pressure but had a stroke a couple of weaks ago. It showed up on an MRI of his brain when checking for brain mets. I told the doctor that he had been much more confused and weaker. Fortunately it was a small stroke and did not cause any paralysis. The stroke was actually caused by a blood clot. It is definitely worth ckecking out! I pray that you will get answers soon and be able to find a good course of treatment to solve the problem. I'm so sorry you have to be far from her. It must be very difficult to not be there with her.