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patscan

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  1. Mom- We still miss you everyday. Sometimes I still have total disbelief that you are not here. It will just hit me and for a moment I'm totally present to your absence, it is overwhelming at times. The most difficult part is that you never held your only grandaughter Savannah. I try to imagine what this journey would have been like if you were here for me and for Savannah. She definately knows you. Your picture hangs in her room and we say "good morning Grandma Pat" and "goodnight Grandma Pat" everyday. She also loves to look at the "special" Grandma Pat book. I have also introduced her to Bob Marley. When I play it on the way to daycare she smiles and says "Bob Marley" and I say "Grandma Pat music". The other day we were just hanging out in bed and she said (out of the blue)..."I like Grandma Pat". I said "I like Grandma Pat too". It's funny that she seems to be integrating you into her life. I find comfort in that. But, it just isn't the same without you. There will always be saddness in my heart. We just didn't have enough time on earth together. The other I day I pulled out the last birthday card you gave me, like I do every year on my birthday (it was handmade because you were too sick to go to the store). I find soo much comfort in the words you wrote: "I will always be with her in spirit and thought. I love this special daughter of mine. More than she can ever know in just one lifetime." Now that I'm a mom, I can experience your love for me in a way that I couldn't before Savannah was born. As I experience the love that a mother is capable of I think of you. I think that is the greatest gift you gave me. Thank you! XO Candy
  2. patscan

    Mom

    It's been a little over 2 years since Mom's been gone. Still have moments of total disbelief, especially when I have these moments with my daughter. Savannah knows "grandma Pat" from the pictures and scrapbook. I wish my mom could of held her just once....wish I could have just one conversation with my mom about motherhood. Sometimes I picture her smiling from heaven (when Savannah is adorable and when she is not so adorable). I do a lot of journaling and picture taking for Savannah, just in case. I noticed today that someone (a stranger) lit a candle for my Mom, "donnaone"....she said she read about my mom in the paper and felt a connection. It made me smile. Also glad to peek in on reece101--looking good.
  3. I've almost made it through a year of "firsts" without her.......it feels much longer than a year that she's been gone. I was two months pregnant when she passed. My daughter (born on Valentine's Day) is now four months old. Talk about the circle of life. She has brought so much joy in a year that had so much pain. I miss my mom everyday....when I took Savannah to the MD today for her shots, I see women with thier babies and their Moms....how lucky they are. I want my daughter to know how awesome her Grandma was..so I made a Grandma Pat scrapbook. It tells the story of Grandma Pat and I read it to her often. It's the best I can do. I still get angry (fee cheated), but I think for the most part I'm in acceptace. I certainly have experienced my mother's love for me in a new way....now that I'm a Mom and that is a blessing. God had a plan for my family...and I'm grateful for every minute I had with my Mom on this earth and grateful for my beautiful and healthy daughter.....life continues. And my mom lives on in us....My mom used to stick out her tongue when concentrating (like with crossword puzzles). My daughter does the same and I say "well Mom, there you are." Her picture hangs in my daugther's nursey and everynight I say goodnight to them both.
  4. patscan

    Scan Results!

    YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  5. Love her and support her----every day is a gift. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Prayers go out to you and your mom.
  6. You think you are doing okay and then BAM--she's still gone. I was "back in the full swing of life" when it hit. Not sure where it came from. Maybe because her husband spread her ashes in her favorite spot last week, maybe because her first grandchild will be here in 3 months, but then again maybe this is what life is going to be like without her (good weeks & bad weeks). I miss her everyday, talk to her everyday, but this week the tears are back, along with some disbelief, anger and a poor me thrown in for good measure. I can't get past the memories of our last 10 months together. Grateful for the time spent together, grateful I was able to care for her, grateful she knew I was pregnant....but pissed that she went out the way she did. It happened so fast---it's really a blur now. She died July 31---feels like forever already. I can't seem to get in touch with her "before" the cancer. Now life is a string of experiences before mom died and after. I am so profoundly sad....I want her back--the healthy mom or I want to at least feel her presence...can't seem to even get in touch with that. Don't really know how to close this one, except thank you for listening and sharing.
  7. Thanks for your post. Life just isn't the same without our moms. I miss mine everyday. As the new life grows and moves inside me and my belly grows. I try to imagine what my mom would be saying/feeling...how excited she would have been. It's so damn unfair. I plan to scrapbook a Grandma Pat book...I think it will be good for me and a way I ensure my baby girl knows what a wonderful grandma she has in heaven. XO
  8. It's been less than a month since Mom passed but it feels like a lifetime. I think I'm still in shock that it is forever. Even though we had 10 months together following diagnosis I still feel like I held back....she wanted to fight and we fought together. I planted a redwood tree in the backyard, I sit often next to the tree and talk to her. I found out I was pregnant with her first grandchild in June...glad she knew (even heard the heartbeat). She told me the day before she died that she would be "around to hold my grand baby". I hope that is what she is doing right now. But as my belly grows, I miss her more and more. Life is a trip--I just can't imagine it without her. I think I'm still mad.
  9. Patricia Ann Lombard LOMBARD, Patricia Ann Born in Shawnee, Okla., on August 28, 1950, and was welcomed into heaven on July 31, 2007, surrounded in love by friends and family. Patricia is survived by her parents Lucy and Dwaune Childers; husband Marc Lombard; daughter and son-in-law Candace and Peter Judson; grandchild Savannah or Ethan Judson (due February 2008); sister Rhonda Meadors; stepdaughter and son-in-law Melissa and Kyle Cottini; grandchildren Cadence & Mason Cottini; stepson Beau Lombard; and countless loving friends and family known as Team Pat. She was a phenomenal woman who was often the center of a good time. She is now our guardian angel. Family & friends will honor her life in a celebration held at thier home on August 11. In lieu of flowers, please consider a tribute donation to LUNGevity Foundation, at www.lungevity.org or call 773-281-LUNG. Published in the Sacramento Bee on 8/4/2007
  10. Mom passed away peacefully and surrounded in love at her home on Tuesday, July 31st. Our hearts are breaking...........
  11. Well the 6 rounds finally caught up with Mom. She is having severe swelling in her legs. They ruled out a blood clot and now think her viens are just shot from the Chemo. Her SOB has increased too (another side effect of Gemzar--go figure). So Dr. Wu told Mom to take 8 weeks off of treatment. It is a welcome rest. No pills, no blood draws, no weekly visits to the hospital....just a bit of "normal" life without medical intervention back in our lives. Mom is scheduled for a port in 4 weeks and then a CT scan 6 weeks later. In the meantime we pray she remains stable and is able to recover the strength and energy she needs to finally kick this cancer. Of course if her symptoms worsen during this respite, chemo will resume eariler. We will be looking at Taxotere or Alimta during the next phase of treatment. Your experiences with either drug would be appreciated. Candy
  12. patscan

    CT News is Good

    Mom's tumor continues to shrink (from 1.9 to 1.4 centimeters)....which is great news. She begins Round 7 of Carbo/Gemzar on Thursday. We understand that an allergic reaction is more likely after this many rounds so they will begin pre-chemo skin tests. Does that sound familiar to anyone? She continues to tolerate treatment well. The two biggest challenges are a recent dip in WBCs (we are hoping they have recovered during her week off of Chemo) and it is near impossible to find any viens. The Gemzar is wrecking havoc...I suspect a port is in her future....it took 6 sticks last Chemo. Thanks for the continued prayers and support. Candy
  13. My thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Candy
  14. patscan

    moms gone

    I'm sooooo sorry. Love to you and your family. Candy
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