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lennonsgirl

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  1. I did make it through the day! I seriously attribute a part of it to all of your words! It made me decide to charter and plane and scoop you all up so we can celebrate Christmas together next year! I was miffed when I first woke up this morning. I wanted to spend as little time conscious as I could. My best friend call (who lives in Alabama) because she couldn't figure out how to work her coffee pot. Instead of going back to bed I listed to some Crosby, Stills & Nash and The Beatles. They helped to put me in a good mood. Received phone calls & text messages from a few people who I know were totally checking in on me. I got washed and wrapped the presents for my cousins/godkids. I went to their house where they were SO glad to see me! I spent a few hours there and then went to my Uncle's house for a while. I have work tomorrow so I didn't stay long. While I was there his girlfriend's niece asked me, "Do you have a mom?" I didn't know what to say at first. All I could think of was, "Yeah, I used to." She said, "I think I remember her." There was no cry of grief on my part or any insanity (thank goodness--don't want to frighten the kids). Now I'm home and showered & waiting for my other best friend, April, to arrive so we can eat cinnamon buns! I cannot believe the pain I was in the other night and I feel pretty much like I'm on autopilot getting through this day. This was our day, our time together playing off each other only the way we could. None of our lives will ever be the same and not in a good way. It seems like sometimes you have to take it second by second not just day by day. As always, I find comfort in the message board. In other not so depressing news, I am quitting my job of 8 years to return to school full-time and get my undergrad degree (my last day is 1/4/08). After what has happened with Mom I believe I would rather be fulfilled (and at least able to make ends meet) than financial comfortable but unchallenged. That job is such a set of bookends for me. I lost my Granny right before I started and have lost my mother before leaving. Now I'm going out in the big bad world again to try something new. I hope that I continue to make those two awesome ladies proud and that they know that there is no way this could have been done without my springing forth from them. Everything I have in my essence has trickled down from them. Hope you all had a Christmas that didn't drive you crazy!!! I send you all the absolute biggest hugs and don't be surprised when a big airplane comes to your house next year!
  2. lennonsgirl

    Heavy sighs

    This is my first Christmas Eve without Mom. I made it through Thanksgiving (only had one good cry in the morning--had a best friend stay the night at my place) but this is really hard. Christmas Eve and day were our favorite holidays. We would cook our holiday meal starting Christmas Eve and would play music so we could sing along badly and dance along just as badly. I would do prep work; cutting, dicing, stirring and Mom would make up the actual dishes. She would do a whole spread even though it was just for the two of us. She loved decorating for all the holidays and Christmas was her favorite. I find myself sitting in my apt. with my two cats feeling so absolutely alone. I feel like I've been placed in the middle of the desert or at the top of a high mountain with no sign of civilization in sight. I feel so alone I can't hear angel's wings beat or hear God whisper words of encouragement to me that I'll make it through. I feel almost worse than I did when Mom passed away. Her 1 year anniversary is in a few weeks and my Uncle Bill's two year anniversary is right before that. I am so sorely missing the people I love and feeling so absolutely alone. I could be floating in space, 100,000 miles away from Earth and it still doesn't express how alone I feel without her. I'm hurting and only wanting to sleep. I'm taking my Klonopin to sleep. It's the only way I've been getting rest the past few days. I have to sleep on the couch in the livingroom b/c the noise from the tv comforts me. I feel on the verge of a panic attack every second even though I'm also still taking my Paxil. My friends and family call and I have to force myself to be present enough to hold a conversation. I feel dead inside. Dead but also raw like if I could really show my grief that I'll die or send the Earth off its orbit. How is everyone getting through the holidays? I don't know if I have what it takes to get through this year after year without her. My therapist says to think of happy memories of the holidays but those only hurt me. They're so distant. They are nothing I can hold on to. I have never been so sad before in all my life. And if my Mom exists in any form, anywhere, I don't want her to worry about me but I'm so wounded. I feel like all the being around friends and family tomorrow won't help any but only to highlight how alone I am because my buddy, my Mom isn't here. I'm crying as I'm typing this and it kind of feels good. I want to call someone but I feel like it'll be one more conversation for them of Kim and her dead Mom and I don't want to burden anyone with my grief. It's just so so hard. I'm trying hard not to feel so one part of me is numb; forcing myself to eat something and to go to the bathroom. The other part is so raw and feeling that I feel like I'm being someone for mercy to just make what I'm feeling stop. Don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. This is the first year I've had to go through this and I'm very lost and lonely. K
  3. lennonsgirl

    Songs?

    "All My Loving" by The Beatles?
  4. lennonsgirl

    Dreams

    After my Mom passed in Jan. '07 I would have dreams that I was always looking for her and couldn't find her. When I would find her she would apologize and say, "I'm sorry. I couldn't take the pain." Then, in a few dreams my Granny (who I would always see in dreams but never remember talking to) would say to me--while I could see my Mom in the distance--that she was ok. The other day I had one in which Mom assured me she was cancer free and as I took a nap today I dreamt that I went to her apt. and she was wearing a Justin Timberlake shirt of mine! She was bopping around and singing and dancing and looked healthy and I said, "Mom, some things should really be off limits." She said, "I didn't think you'd care if I wore it." I think my dreams of her have changed over the course of the past few months. I really hope that it's her (and my Granny when she's there) coming from somewhere to tell me what it is I need to here. I am only starting to begin to accept the fact that she is not here (and it's been 8 months) so I understand where you're coming from. I think the dreams (and other things) have helped me get to that point. Love & hugs, Kim
  5. You did a really amazing thing in England and Spain. Take the time you need for the last part. Who knows, Bill will probably provide you the strength to get through it. Love and hugs, Kim
  6. You did a really amazing thing in England and Spain. Take the time you need for the last part. Who knows, Bill will probably provide you the strength to get through it. Love and hugs, Kim
  7. Kelly, I'm sure she didn't mean to dismiss you. It is hard sometimes with the loss of a parent b/c people always want to give you "it's the natural cycle of things" stuff which it is but it in no way makes it any easier. The way I see it almost every relationship is replacable but you can't ever replace a parent. I'm not saying that to take away from her losing her child (or dog or cat for that matter) but it is some trauma. We all know one day our parents will have to say goodbye but I don't care if Mom lived to be 1.5 million years old...this would still suck majorly!! Love and hugs! Kim
  8. So much pain to deal with, yet so much good to make us smile. Cancer is a terrible, awful disease. But I wouldn't trade the time I had these last two months for anything. What a blessing to be surrounded by people who love you... Rainbow, you just said a mouthful! I had (lied) and told my therapist that I would give up even ever having known my mother to avoid the pain that I feel...you know what?? I wasn't telling the truth! I wouldn't give up any part of my life with her, cancer or no cancer. I FEEL for you soooooo much as I lost my mother young, in within almost a year of diagnosis so I get it. I send love to you!!!!! I send hugs to you!!!! K
  9. It's been 8 months since my Mom passed away. I have had a doozy of a time just trying to accept the fact that she is no longer here. I took myself to therapy b/c I knew once she left this world I was going to have a time at making it through. I fought and fought even understanding the concept that "my mother is gone." I could not comprehend it. It sat on top of my brain but would not sink in. In my mind I had the small delusion that she was just somewhere where I could not find her. I was so mad, so bitter, so bottled up, I could barely even let tears fall at her funeral b/c I felt my resistence to her passing was showing her cancer, God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it that, "NO! I DON'T ACCEPT THIS!" For 8 months I had been like this. I felt that this was the best way to honor her. That if she existed anywhere she would feel my resistance and know I love her and miss her terribly. For a week, I had been in a miserable state. I felt so overwhelmed that I seriously thought I would die. I could feel tears coming and tried to command them to come forth but they refused. It was like I wasn't in touch with my emotions about this event that occurred in our lives but it was coming for me. On Monday night I hit a low. I had been having trouble sleeping, when I would sleep I would have nightmares and not be rested when I awoke. As I laid down and tried to sleep all I could think about was how my mother that I love so intensely was now a cremated person; a mound of ashes in a box and it ripped me to pieces. I felt it was my fault she was there and that she thought I hadn't done all I could for her. The pain was so great that when I rose up out of my bed I fell down. It felt like someone had pierced my heart with a knife. I wept like I hadn't allowed myself to while lying beside her when she passed, or at her funeral or any time after. So I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor with a knife. I told myself that I would just try cutting and if it hurt I wouldn't go through with it but if the pain wasn't too much I would do it. Something made me stop and I called my best friend. She automatically realized something was wrong and I couldn't even speak I was hysterical. I got through that night and still felt miserable and was still fighting. Then my "boyfriend" broke up with me. He said the fact that I hadn't accepted my mother's passing meant I wasn't emotionally available and he couldn't see himself marrying me. Just what I needed. I drank so much that my body shook and it took an entire day and a half for my body and brain to return to "normal." I was so bitter and so angry. Telling me that I'm not worthy to be with because of what happened with me and my mother. Well! It's none of his friggin' business!! I was just so mad. I called and texted and demanded to know why he thought I sucked. I resisted his thoughts about my emotional state and how by repressing emotions I was keeping myself from loving and being loved. I went to therapy and I wept for the 2nd time (big step for me) and what my therapist was saying was starting to sink in to the logical part of my mind. Bad stuff happens to everyone no matter how good or bad they are...that it is not good works alone that will save me...that there is no way my anxiety and fear and worry will control anything in the world or any other person, that I didn't let my mother down, that the cancer was more aggressive than the treatment was, that on that final night I didn't know I was leaving her for the last time, she didn't know she was leaving me and the doctor's didn't know she was leaving either. Nothing I did could have kept her here...that it is what it is. And then I went to work and had my yearly review and two things happened. (1) By my supervisor's review I realized that I do not suck as a person. I don't know why it just hit me then but it didn. She looks at me as a solid performer, who is intelligent and has potential. And I said, "All these people I cross paths with can't all be wrong, can they? Can it be that I'm pretty awesome? Can it be that it's not because I stink as a person and that I'm a failure that my mom's not here and that my dad doesn't love me the way he should and that I'm not in a relationship? That I'm not being punished but that life just happens and really does friggin' suck sometimes? Wait a minute...yes, it can!" (2) My supervisor lost her mother 3 years ago (not to cancer) but I wanted to talk to her to see what it was I was doing "wrong" in handling her passing. In this woman's words (I won't recap b/c I'm already saying SOOO much) truly touched my heart. It was like that scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault! Well, I was watching the Grey's Anatomy spin off and there was a mother who had gone nuts and come to find out it was b/c she was having a hard time dealing with her son's passing from an aggressive brain cancer and felt it was her fault. The things the psychiatrist said to her like "I know it was hard holding him as he took his lasts breaths, but you did everything you could, he knows you did" really seemed to get through to me. As that fictional mother wept, I wept, b/c I felt someone was telling me to give myself a break! I had the first good sleep I had in a long time that night! I even dreamt of my mother and I was needling her saying, "you can't be healthy. we gotta go to the doctor to make sure the cancer's not back" and she said to me "I'm cancer free! Chill out!" When I got up that morning I felt lighter than I had in a long time. It was like someone or something (I'm not especially religious so I don't know what to say this past week was) put me at the bottom of well of misery and sealed it shut to say "this doesn't work" and they uncovered the lid and light shine on me. I cannot honor my mother if I'm mad! I cannot honor her memory if I'm bitter! I can't let the world know that one of the most beautiful, carefree, intelligent, funny, people I've ever met if I keep fighting the way I am. That's not what my mother was about. My Mom (Cynthia) was all about living. I truly don't know if I've ever known anyone to really live their life as they see fit. The only people she answered to were her mother, me and God! We never spared any emotion with each other. If anything we were probably sicking with how mushy we could be with each other. I know my mother loves me b/c she always told me. I know my mother is proud of me b/c she told me. I know she feels I'm the best thing that ever happened to her b/c she said so. I know she knows that I did all I could. I even heard her say to other people while she was sick, "without this girl I would be dead. She's saved my life so many times." I know she knows the love we have/had/will always have b/c she was more worried about what would happen to me if anything would happen to her. That's selflesness. I've gotta keep making her proud. I've got to spread the news about this awesome chick named Cyndi! Who better to do it than her only child?! I cry more easily now. My heart feels like it's opened up and I swear I can feel her in there. I like to think that she exists somewhere and that she is happy and healthy. I hope that one day if anything after this exists that we'll be together again. I hope I am half the mother, half the woman she was. I don't know what happened to me (I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac so maybe it's some type of brain disorder) but I love feeling that something or someone touched me to give me hope. This past week feels so much like it was meant to happen. As always, thank you all for reading my post. I've stayed away from the boards b/c I get so overwhelmed with all of our losses. I was afraid to come here b/c this used to be the only "place" I'd let myself cry. I just love you all to pieces! I am soooo glad that Mom (one day maybe I'll have the strength to read her posts) and I found you all! I'm learning to be thankful for the people that I still have with me b/c that's in the spirit of Cyndi! Kisses and hugs and love to you all forever!! Kim
  10. Hi, everyone: For the past week or so I've been in this sort of malaise. I'm neither up or down, happy or sad; I just am. Nothing seems to matter to me, nothing seems to get a reaction out of me. My alarm went off this morning and as I turned it off I realized I had tears in my eyes. I don't cry often about Mom's passing. I want to but I'm afraid if I grieve the way I want to that I will never stop or I'll give myself a heart attack or have some type of mental snap. I just feel like I can't deal with it so I guess I'm not dealing with it the way one normally would. A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I bought a car. My first car (yes, at 29 years old) and I lost it at the dealership. Two of my good friends were there and they were so excited for me but I just felt so miserable. Then, I gave in and had a cry and said, "my Mom would have been so proud of me. She should be here. She'd want to be here." I found a new apt. to move to (I have to get out of here--this is where she stayed when she was sick and passed) and this is the first time my Mom hasn't been able to give me her awesome thoughts about my apt. hunt. I'm going to sign a lease without knowing for sure I've picked the best possible place to live. I also sold the bedroom furniture. I found it impossible to go into the bedroom (that's where that final awful night was) and could not possibly take that furniture with me on my move. It was so hard, though, because if she exists in any form anywhere I don't want her to think I'm trying to move her out of my life. I want nothing more than to have her here. I plan on selling most of my furniture (excluding a newer couch I had bought) b/c I just feel like I can't take any of this with me. All of this "good" stuff is happening but I just feel horrible. I can't enjoy it. I become overwhelmed when I think about living the rest of my life without her in it and all of the things she would've wanted to be there for but can't. I cannot wrap my head around being 40 and continuing to feel the way I do now. I also had a dream about her the other day. In the beginning, after she passed, she would always tell me how sorry she was but that she couldn't take the pain. Then, I would see her in dreams but not be able to talk to her--my Granny would always fill in for her (who I previously could never talk directly to in a dream). Then, she would seem her normal, happy, silly self. This past night I had a dream and she said, "I'm so sorry." Again, if she exists anywhere I want her to know I'm not mad at her. I'm mad this happened to her, to me, to everyone that's ever been touched by cancer. I just feel so overwhelmed. The energy it took to get off of my couch (that's where I've slept since her passing) was almost too much to think about just to get to the computer. I take my anti-depressants, I just had an appt. with my therapist, why do I still feel like my world or my mind is about to come to an end? I'm just so lost, so lonely without her. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm whining to my friends and family about how I feel so I don't say anything. This really is the only place I feel like I can be dead honest about my feelings. I hope I didn't bum everyone out and I apologize for the long post. Kim
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