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j's girl

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Everything posted by j's girl

  1. Yay Nick!!!!!!! I haven't been around this board for quite a while. I am thrilled for you and understand a little of what it's like. My brother and his wife had their first child in May. He didn't seem nearly as excited as I thought he would/should. But now that baby is here, people always say that she's got Mom's eyes or Mom's hands and it's like a little piece of Mom is back with us. What ever you do, don't beat yourself up with "shoulds". Feel whatever you feel, just don't feel guilty about it. I'll definitely be checking back in 6 months or so to see your little one. Shauna
  2. j's girl

    News about Bill

    Teri, I am so very sorry to hear of Bill's passing. I truely miss his thought provoking posts and his wit. He touched many lives through his writing and he will live on forever through those words. My sincerest condolences. Shauna
  3. It's really hard to believe the 1st anniversary of Mom's passing is approaching so quickly. In some ways it seems like an eternity has passed and in others it seems like yesterday. Because Mom passed suddenly, I can't help but wonder what life would be like if she were still alive. In my mind, I can still see the looks of fear in her eyes. It seemed like there were always tough decisions to be made and so much anxiety. I am glad she didn't have to endure the typical dying process. I feel a little guilty saying it, but if the alternative involved a lot of suffering, I'm glad she is free of it. Instead of focusing on MY loss, I choose to see it as her FREEDOM. I think the dialogue that we say over and over in our head really has a big impact on how we feel. Sounds corny I know but hear me out. When I feel down and out, I tell myself that Mom has taught me well and I can do this on my own. Or I tell myself it's time to fly on my own. After a while you actually start to believe it. I always keep in mind that I represent her. I am an example of her parenting skills, her values and her ethics. We've all had our share of misery because of lung cancer. It may have taken our loved ones, but we should do everything we can to deny it the power to take our spirits too. If there is anything that I've learned in the last year or two is that we're a heck of a lot stronger than we think we are. Since December I've been taking a small dose of Paxil. I was very hesitant to start it when my doc suggested it would help take the edge off all the challenges I was faced with. I can honestly say, it's the best decision I've ever been coxed into. I actually feel better than I have in a few years. I had a difficult pregnancy, and I think some post partum issues and then Mom was diagnosed. There should be no shame associated with taking an antidepressent. If grief an illness like diabetes, people wouldn't think twice about seeking treatment for it. I think the same attitude should be adopted for depression. I hope everyone can feel some relief from the grieveing process. Feeling better doesn't mean you don't love the person you lost. It just means you're taking care of yourself and that is what they would want. Shauna
  4. j's girl

    Hi Everyone!

    Hi Becky and welcome. I lost my Mom to lung cancer in August of 06 and found this site after her passing. It really helped to know there were people going through the same things. I hope you find it as helpful as I have. Shauna
  5. I too have been wondering about you too and really missing Bill's thought provoking posts. Teri, pleas let Bill know he's missed.
  6. Kim my heart breaks for you. Know that your Mom knew everything you wanted her to know and felt every ounce of love you had for her and I'm very sure she knows how much you honor her and is very proud. I hope your pain eases soon. shauna
  7. j's girl

    6 months

    Nick, I am so sorry you're feeling like this right now. I've read some of the signs you've posted and I absolutely think your Mom was there. I kind of feel like we've been on this "grief journey" together. Our losses happened about a month a part. I feel like I know you. And I've read a few posts about your thoughts on parenthood. One day I actually thought to myself "This is why Nick should have kids". It was a day that I felt especially low until my two year old got me up and dancing in the kitchen. His laughter and joy is the absolute best medicine. Shauna
  8. Flowergirlie, I too have thought of you and your husband often in all that you've been through. As you said, he is on a new journey now. Try to take comfort that he is at peace and free of pain. He will live on in your hearts and through your children. Shauna
  9. j's girl

    Food for Thought

    Ellie, that quote perfectly explains my beliefs. Thank you for sharing it. I couldn't have said it better. Shauna
  10. I definitely relate to this as well. I am 35 and have a 2 year old son. He was Mom's only grandson and the best medicine Mom received during her battle but I doubt he'll remember her. My brother and his wife are expecting their first child in May and he just doesn't seem as happy as he should be. Growing up, my Grandparents were a huge part of my life and my son and his cousin won't have the same experience. My FIL passed from kidney cancer 6 years ago. I just feel like a huge part of my son's heritage is gone. I value all the time I had with my Grandparents so much that it really makes me sad my son will miss it. Definitely there are different issues.
  11. I'm going to use them for wedding shower gifts. I gave them for Christmas gifts and everybody loved them. There is such a wonderful variety of recipes!
  12. Hey Andrea, will you be reducing shipping to Canada? I certaninly wouldn't expect it to be free! Shauna
  13. Missy that was such an incredible post. It brought my Mom's battle back like it was yesterday. I think Moms and daughters have a special relationship that is beyond words. In so many ways we are so alike and we do for them what we would want for ourselves if in that position. I think that is where the strength comes from. Personally, I tried to bring as much normalsy to the situation as possible by talking about the things we always talked about. Cancer talk was always initiated by her, on her terms and schedule. She never saw me cry about it and I'm not the kind of person that holds it together easily. But I knew I had to do it for her. Keep your chin up. You're Mom is so lucky to have you for a daughter. I'm sure she is very very proud of you.
  14. Aaron, Another good supplement for yeast is caprylic acid. It'll kill the yeast bacteria and leave the good gut bacteria alone. And make sure you get the refridgerated probiotic. A lot of us with ulcerative colitis find that there is a real pschological aspect to the urgency issue. Most of us have had "accidents" where we just don't get to the toilet in time. (Like you said, we're all family here right?) After that happens once, a person can really set themselves up for panic which in turn makes the urgency problem worse. Personally, I carry immodium and a spare pair of undies with me everywhere. It helps me feel like I'm prepared for the worst and I don't panic as much and therefore don't have accidents like I used to. If you can figure out a "safety net" for yourself to feel prepared for the worst, it'll help you feel at ease and maybe help settle your gut a little.
  15. Tammy, I've started taking a whole lot of vitamins lately for my UC (including a sublingual B12) and it does make me feel a whole lot better. Plus I'm on Paxil as well. The Paxil has really kept me from coming apart at the seams through everything. A friend actually commented that I was a lot calmer than she would be if she were in my shoes. My reply was that the doc gave me some good drugs. I don't know if it was a lack of sleep, a grumpy kid, or what, but that night I just couldn't stop crying. I think what set everything off was the thought that I needed help and the one person that I would make a world of difference isn't here anymore. Don't get me wrong, we've had loads of support and offers of help and I appreciate all of them but having Mom here would have made everything easier. I love the rest of my family but there is no one like my Mom!
  16. Aaron, I agree with Ry that part of the problem may be the antibiotics upsetting the bacterial balance in your gut. You might want to try a probiotic which is basically the good bacteria in your bowels. It's the same stuff that's in yogurt but much more concentrated. Another thing that can be soothing and helpful is to drink aloe vera gel. You can get both from a health food store. With respect to the aloe gel, make sure you ask for the one with the laxative part removed. You might want to check out this forum http://www.healingwell.com/community/?f=38. It's about ulcerative colitis but diarrhea is one of the main symptoms of it and is discussed at length. Good luck and it's great to see that you're feeling better. Shauna
  17. Thank you so much everyone. I just needed somewhere to turn to vent. I am so thankful to have you all in my life even though I wish none of us had a need to be here. My husband is still in the hospital. He's had 3 surgeries in less than 2 weeks. Hopefully we're nearing the end of this. Wed they will do a CT scan and if the muscle that has been absessed looks good, he can come home. They still haven't identified the cause of all this. He'll need time to heal before they start doing more tests. My instinct was fairly acqurate with Dad. He was in the hospital but it turns out that he has (or I guess I should say had) hemmoriods. His surgeon took care of them for him. It really seems like Mom's lung cancer battle and death has caused a real cascade of illness in my family. I think Dad's colon cancer was probably brought on by the stress of everything. My husband's docs think his absess may be due to Crohn's that flaired because of extra stress. And I've had some issues with my ulcerative colitis lately. Lung cancer definitely doesn't happen in a bubble. The effect of one person's illness has a huge impact on many people both directly and indirectly connected to the person diagnosed. My boss at work has been sick all winter and I can't help but wonder if the stress of my absence because of all the illness in my family could be partly to blame. We are the only 2 in our office and she always has to find someone to replace me. Even though my boss never met my Mom, I think Mom's lung cancer has effected her. I'm starting to ramble. Better go to bed! Shauna
  18. Don, I'm sure Lucie was there too. She would have been very happy to see her birthday celcbrated by family.
  19. It's been a really tough week and I feel like everything is overflowing tonight. My husband has been in the hospital for just over a week and is having his second surgery tonight in a hospital that is 2 hours away from me. He has an absessed muscle that is being drained surgically for the second time within a week. A couple of days ago my Dad went to emerg with rectal bleeding. Just before Christmas he had surgery for colon cancer and was told they got it all and no other treatment was needed. It's a pretty scary symptom to come out of the blue like that. I can't reach him or my brother by phone tonight and have to wonder if there is another emergency there that they haven't told me about because of my husband's condition. What really makes me lose it is when I think that my Mom would be here for me, and should be here for me. I'm having such a hard time being the only parent for my 2 year old, plus work, plus run a business, plus take care of my husband's business inquiries, and farm plans. I'm falling apart and have no where to turn right now. I know a good night's sleep will help. As long as my husband's surgery goes well, I'll be much better in the morning. Please say a prayer for us. Shauna
  20. j's girl

    Choices

    Don, this is such an interesting post. I just had to add my 2 cents. First off, I am happy to hear you are doing as well as you are Don. You have a great perspective on things. Is it easier today then just after Mom passed? Absolutely. Is it because of choices I made? Partially. Shortly after my Mom passed away, my Dad started seeking medical attention for his concerns and ended up being diagnosed with colon cancer in December. Because of my stressful load and my own health problems, my doc prescribed paxil for me. I was hesitant to take it, but am so glad that I did. It's given me a whole new perspective on things. Dad's been given a clean bill of health (ie they got it all through surgery). I'm closer to my Dad than I've ever been before, I have a 2 year old son that I absolutely adore and a great husband that supports me in every way. Basically, I have a great life apart from the fact that I miss my Mom. I choose to concentrate on the great part and tell myself that I can fly on my own and that my Mom has taught me well. I had 35 years with an exceptional Mom and feel very fortunate for that. I also agree with whoever said that you honor your loved one by living the best life you can. I really and truly miss my Mom. But I feel so fortunate that she fought as hard as she did. She is at peace now. No more struggle, no more guessing what is next. I can let her go knowing we did everything we could but it wasn't meant to be. There was a time a few months ago that I felt a little guilty for the joy in my life. But as a Mom, I am happiest when my child is happy. There is nothing in the world that compares to the feeling of seeing joy in your childs eyes. Knowing that, I know what my Mom wants for me - happiness.
  21. Hi Kim, I have been away from this site for a while too. I am glad to hear you are finding more joy in life now. I totally understand the bitter-sweet that accompanies every joy you encounter. I find that my memories of my Mom are becoming less about when she was sick and more about how she was before all of that happened. I picture her before she lost her hair and lots of weight and that feels good. I too am very jealous of friends who's kid spend a lot of time with their grandparents. I think that's pretty normal and not selfish at all. Welcome back, we've missed you. Shauna
  22. I really relate to the feeling of needing to DO something. The crappy feelings could always be eased a little by doing something for your Mom. I get it. It's hard but it does ease up a little as time goes on. A friend asked me how I was about 10 days after Mom passed. I said I was okay because I have to be. I don't have a choice. She told me to "walk with it". I think it's a good expression. Hope you start getting a little more sleep and some brighter days. They will come. I promise. Shauna
  23. Bill, this is the way I've always looked at survival stats. There is always a percentage of people that come through it and survive long term. Regardless of what that number is, it can always be you . Shauna
  24. Rochelle, your interetation of the song makes TOTAL sense to me. I don't think I've heard it. Might have to download it. It's not easy. I know. Some of the things you wrote are similar to the way I've been feeling lately and my Mom's been gone for nearly 5 months. I think you are a very wise and mature young lady. I am positive your Mom is very proud of you. Take care, Shauna
  25. Hey Valerie, Welcome from one Canuck to another! It's great to see you are making liars out of your doctors. Shauna
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