mrmust

Thank you all for your kind words. I am so happy to know that there are such wonderful people out there who care. I made it through yesterday, and it was rough, but it is a new day now and I am pluggin' along. Thank you again!

Nick I haven't been on here in awhile and the last time think you were vertain about a pregnancy test. All I can say is I am soooo happy for you both. I am crying right now and I can't even see!! This was meant to be and your mother is a part of it. I truely believe that. There is a reason for everything and I believe "what goes around comes around". I believe that your mother truely wanted this to happen and IT DID! I lost my boyfriend one year ago today and I met a wonderful man 5 months ago. I believe that Joe sent him to take his place. How else can I explain it?? Just like I believe your mother had a part in this pregnancy!!! She will come through your new born child! Please forgive me if I am offensive.....I don't know what your beliefs are but I am just telling you what I feel. Please take care... I always look forward to your posts......hang in there!!

I don't come here often but i can totally relate!!!! It is so nice to know that someone, even if you don't know them, understands......and cares! Thank you for your post!

One year ago today my boyfriend Joe died at the age of 39. Today I am struggling with how to deal with this. We weren't married and had no intension to be married. He had a 12 year old son. I have been cut off from his "ex-family" who has all the custody and power of attorney, etc, etc. During his illness I gave what ever I could to help. After his death his ex-wife somehow got control of his ashes and had a ceremony somewhere and never notified me. I have no idea where this occurred. Ihave been cut off. I have no place to grieve or mourn. I am sorry that I have not responded much lately. I amhaving a hard time right now and just needed to vent. I didn' know how hard this day would be. I have been drinking also tonight.....doesn't help. Thanks for listening! Jill

I totally believe it too!!!! The first time it happened to me I was sitting on the sofa, my cat upstairs, no windows open. The rocking chair that Joe used to sit in started to move, like someone got up out of it. He also rings my doorbell alot. Just the other day I was talking to his cat, which I have custody of now, and said that he would be so proud to see what a wonderfully well behaved cat she has become....and the doorbell rang.....no one there. His birthday was April 6th and I was at a party, bought a raffle ticket, which was number 6 and I won. And Sunday I was driving through town thinking about him and his car, which has been taken over by his ex mother in law, pulls up next to me. I started to SOB! I totally believe they are with us in some way shape or form!

Today, April 6th, would have been Joe's 40th birthday. The big 4 0. I am so sad that he never made it that far. I have been dreading this day. I remember last year, his birthday was the day after his 2nd chemo. He actually felt good enough to eat so we ordered Chinese and watched The Best of Saturday Night Live and laughed till we were crying! It was such a good day! Today I found myself in the kitchen at 4 am eating a bowl of cereal and sobbing. I talked to him and kept telling him that I was sorry. Sorry this happened, sorry I didn't do more, sorry I wasn't more, sorry I didn't say the right things, on and on and on. I still feel so much guilt and I know I shouldn't. I have also met an INCREDIBLE guy who understands where I am and is patient and kind and sincere. I feel guilty about that! I feel like Joe thinks I have forgotten him, which I will NEVER forget. Like I have swept him under the rug and moved on. I didn't think it would be this hard! Anyway.........I do believe that Joe has sent this wonderful man to take over where he left off. That is what all my friends say too. So today I am taking my mother shopping and then I am meeting friends for lunch (not Chinese) and spending time with them. I kind of wanted to be alone today but I know I would do nothing but cry. So enough of me rambling on.......... I can't tell you all enough how much this site has helped me. I know I can come here at any time (note the time) and have a shoulder to lean on. Thank you! Jill

Nick, I understand completely! I am having one of those days today myself. Today would have been Joe's 40th birthday. I woke up at 4am, stood in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal and started sobbing. Took me awhile to get my self together. I think about him constantly and wonder how I made it this far. The world definetly is not the same without our passed loved ones. When you said "how am I ever going to enjoy children" believe me you will! They (note that I say they....more than one!) will be constant reminders of your mother. You will see her in them everyday and what a joy that will be! Hang in there and please know we are all thinking of you! Jill

I am soooo sorry to hear this news. I believe my boyfriend Joe had the same thing. He had his right lung removed and then pleurodisis to help with his recurrant left pneumo. He was hospitalized on Aug. 9th for severe pain (mets to adrenal gland and brain). I talked to him on sunday night the 13th at 11pm and by 8am I get "the phone call" saying he only had hours to live. In fact they were waiting for his entire family to get there to pull his breathing tube. I looked at his chest xray (i am an xray tech.) and it looked like pneumonia had filled his entire and only lung. The doctors said that the CA had spread to his lymph nodes in the abdomen and that is what caused the pneumonia etc. etc. So I am not sure if that would be called the same thing. What ever it's called, I will be praying like mad for you!

Yes I have experienced this. My boyfriend Joe was like that during his rounds of Taxol/Carboplatin. He would fall asleep during conversations. He would also fall asleep with his eyes partially open which would freak me out. I thought (and still do to this day) that he was having a small seizure. He never lost his appetite but always had to be reminded to eat or I had to wake him up and make him eat. He had his chemo once every 4 weeks. The first week was the worst and then he would start feeling great and have to start all over again. He also had arenesp shots, no transfusions. His o2 sats were good on 2 liters. So apparently this is normal. And like the others said, calling the onc. wouldn't be a bad idea either. Just for some reassurance. HOpe this helps, Jill

Thank you all for your replies...... I did cancel out on getting together this past weekend. I was having a moment and actually shut out EVERYBODY! I was honest and told him that I have days like this and I know I will continue to have them. He was understanding. I just have to not THINK so much about it and go with the flow.......as everyone has been telling me. It's just good to hear it from others! Thanks again for listening and advising!

It took me a while to do this but here it is...... My good friend was a waitress in this small town cafe. She kept telling me about this guy that came in everyday for coffee, and that I should meet him. Finally.....after months of hearing about him......I went to the cafe to pick up my friend to go shopping after she was done with work. She made me sit at the counter and kept stalling (because she knew Joe was coming in!) I had my back to the tables and I hear her say "Hey Joe! The usual?" I turned around and almost fell off my chair! Instant eye contact. We were introduced and talked each others ears off!!! He loved NASCAR racing and was part of pit crew for his brother-in-laws' stock car. He loved riding his ATV and fishing with his son. He kept a fresh water fish tank and had 3 pet perch, Wiggy, Sparky and Spot. (yea I know......a little nuts) We had no intention of getting married, we were happy as is. I miss him terribly but sooooo glad he came into my life........... Gotta go wipe my face off now!!

It has been 6 months since Joe passed and I have been struggling with ups and downs, which, I think is normal. I hate being in this "limbo". Which brings me to this topic. I finally got out with some friends and met a very nice guy. We had everything to talk about (his mother died of cancer a year ago) and he understood my situation. I agreed to go to a movie with him the next weekend (last weekend). I threw up before he picked me up. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I really feel like I am "cheating" on Joe. I know it was only a movie and phone calls but I really am physically sick. He wants to do something Sat. but I feel like bailing out of it. Am I just a freak??? Or is this the sign that means "too soon"? I do not ever and will not ever replace Joe but I can't continue to cry all the time. It hurts too much. Please....I hope someone has some similar situation or some advice for me!!

Grace, All I can do right now is cry.......and pray...for you and your husband. I pray for you both to have strength. Jill

Kim; I do know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend Joe was admitted to the ER with severe pain. He was well enough that he didn't qualify for hospice. The plan was to get his pain under control and for him to go home. He was doing well, eating McDonalds, talking, joking, getting up and moving around, so he made me leave to join the girls for our annual "girls weekend". Within 18 hours of me leaving he developed pneumonia and was intubated. I made it home just in time for them to pull his breathing tube (according to his wishes). I struggle with why didn't I do this, that, why didn't I see this coming, what if I hadn't have left, did he feel like I didn't care.......so much floating through my head. It has been 6 months and I am slowing coming to accept what happened. You have probably heard this a thousand times but God has a plan and no matter what you do, you can not change it. I believe your decisions were correct and for dealing with it alone, I commend you. Do not beat yourself up over it. Acceptance takes time, which I am slowly learning myself.

Why would one want to remove their timeline from their posts?