mrmust

Thank you all for your kind words. I am so happy to know that there are such wonderful people out there who care. I made it through yesterday, and it was rough, but it is a new day now and I am pluggin' along. Thank you again!

Nick I haven't been on here in awhile and the last time think you were vertain about a pregnancy test. All I can say is I am soooo happy for you both. I am crying right now and I can't even see!! This was meant to be and your mother is a part of it. I truely believe that. There is a reason for everything and I believe "what goes around comes around". I believe that your mother truely wanted this to happen and IT DID! I lost my boyfriend one year ago today and I met a wonderful man 5 months ago. I believe that Joe sent him to take his place. How else can I explain it?? Just like I believe your mother had a part in this pregnancy!!! She will come through your new born child! Please forgive me if I am offensive.....I don't know what your beliefs are but I am just telling you what I feel. Please take care... I always look forward to your posts......hang in there!!

I don't come here often but i can totally relate!!!! It is so nice to know that someone, even if you don't know them, understands......and cares! Thank you for your post!

One year ago today my boyfriend Joe died at the age of 39. Today I am struggling with how to deal with this. We weren't married and had no intension to be married. He had a 12 year old son. I have been cut off from his "ex-family" who has all the custody and power of attorney, etc, etc. During his illness I gave what ever I could to help. After his death his ex-wife somehow got control of his ashes and had a ceremony somewhere and never notified me. I have no idea where this occurred. Ihave been cut off. I have no place to grieve or mourn. I am sorry that I have not responded much lately. I amhaving a hard time right now and just needed to vent. I didn' know how hard this day would be. I have been drinking also tonight.....doesn't help. Thanks for listening! Jill

I totally believe it too!!!! The first time it happened to me I was sitting on the sofa, my cat upstairs, no windows open. The rocking chair that Joe used to sit in started to move, like someone got up out of it. He also rings my doorbell alot. Just the other day I was talking to his cat, which I have custody of now, and said that he would be so proud to see what a wonderfully well behaved cat she has become....and the doorbell rang.....no one there. His birthday was April 6th and I was at a party, bought a raffle ticket, which was number 6 and I won. And Sunday I was driving through town thinking about him and his car, which has been taken over by his ex mother in law, pulls up next to me. I started to SOB! I totally believe they are with us in some way shape or form!

Today, April 6th, would have been Joe's 40th birthday. The big 4 0. I am so sad that he never made it that far. I have been dreading this day. I remember last year, his birthday was the day after his 2nd chemo. He actually felt good enough to eat so we ordered Chinese and watched The Best of Saturday Night Live and laughed till we were crying! It was such a good day! Today I found myself in the kitchen at 4 am eating a bowl of cereal and sobbing. I talked to him and kept telling him that I was sorry. Sorry this happened, sorry I didn't do more, sorry I wasn't more, sorry I didn't say the right things, on and on and on. I still feel so much guilt and I know I shouldn't. I have also met an INCREDIBLE guy who understands where I am and is patient and kind and sincere. I feel guilty about that! I feel like Joe thinks I have forgotten him, which I will NEVER forget. Like I have swept him under the rug and moved on. I didn't think it would be this hard! Anyway.........I do believe that Joe has sent this wonderful man to take over where he left off. That is what all my friends say too. So today I am taking my mother shopping and then I am meeting friends for lunch (not Chinese) and spending time with them. I kind of wanted to be alone today but I know I would do nothing but cry. So enough of me rambling on.......... I can't tell you all enough how much this site has helped me. I know I can come here at any time (note the time) and have a shoulder to lean on. Thank you! Jill

Nick, I understand completely! I am having one of those days today myself. Today would have been Joe's 40th birthday. I woke up at 4am, stood in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal and started sobbing. Took me awhile to get my self together. I think about him constantly and wonder how I made it this far. The world definetly is not the same without our passed loved ones. When you said "how am I ever going to enjoy children" believe me you will! They (note that I say they....more than one!) will be constant reminders of your mother. You will see her in them everyday and what a joy that will be! Hang in there and please know we are all thinking of you! Jill

I am soooo sorry to hear this news. I believe my boyfriend Joe had the same thing. He had his right lung removed and then pleurodisis to help with his recurrant left pneumo. He was hospitalized on Aug. 9th for severe pain (mets to adrenal gland and brain). I talked to him on sunday night the 13th at 11pm and by 8am I get "the phone call" saying he only had hours to live. In fact they were waiting for his entire family to get there to pull his breathing tube. I looked at his chest xray (i am an xray tech.) and it looked like pneumonia had filled his entire and only lung. The doctors said that the CA had spread to his lymph nodes in the abdomen and that is what caused the pneumonia etc. etc. So I am not sure if that would be called the same thing. What ever it's called, I will be praying like mad for you!

Yes I have experienced this. My boyfriend Joe was like that during his rounds of Taxol/Carboplatin. He would fall asleep during conversations. He would also fall asleep with his eyes partially open which would freak me out. I thought (and still do to this day) that he was having a small seizure. He never lost his appetite but always had to be reminded to eat or I had to wake him up and make him eat. He had his chemo once every 4 weeks. The first week was the worst and then he would start feeling great and have to start all over again. He also had arenesp shots, no transfusions. His o2 sats were good on 2 liters. So apparently this is normal. And like the others said, calling the onc. wouldn't be a bad idea either. Just for some reassurance. HOpe this helps, Jill

Thank you all for your replies...... I did cancel out on getting together this past weekend. I was having a moment and actually shut out EVERYBODY! I was honest and told him that I have days like this and I know I will continue to have them. He was understanding. I just have to not THINK so much about it and go with the flow.......as everyone has been telling me. It's just good to hear it from others! Thanks again for listening and advising!

It took me a while to do this but here it is...... My good friend was a waitress in this small town cafe. She kept telling me about this guy that came in everyday for coffee, and that I should meet him. Finally.....after months of hearing about him......I went to the cafe to pick up my friend to go shopping after she was done with work. She made me sit at the counter and kept stalling (because she knew Joe was coming in!) I had my back to the tables and I hear her say "Hey Joe! The usual?" I turned around and almost fell off my chair! Instant eye contact. We were introduced and talked each others ears off!!! He loved NASCAR racing and was part of pit crew for his brother-in-laws' stock car. He loved riding his ATV and fishing with his son. He kept a fresh water fish tank and had 3 pet perch, Wiggy, Sparky and Spot. (yea I know......a little nuts) We had no intention of getting married, we were happy as is. I miss him terribly but sooooo glad he came into my life........... Gotta go wipe my face off now!!

It has been 6 months since Joe passed and I have been struggling with ups and downs, which, I think is normal. I hate being in this "limbo". Which brings me to this topic. I finally got out with some friends and met a very nice guy. We had everything to talk about (his mother died of cancer a year ago) and he understood my situation. I agreed to go to a movie with him the next weekend (last weekend). I threw up before he picked me up. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I really feel like I am "cheating" on Joe. I know it was only a movie and phone calls but I really am physically sick. He wants to do something Sat. but I feel like bailing out of it. Am I just a freak??? Or is this the sign that means "too soon"? I do not ever and will not ever replace Joe but I can't continue to cry all the time. It hurts too much. Please....I hope someone has some similar situation or some advice for me!!

Grace, All I can do right now is cry.......and pray...for you and your husband. I pray for you both to have strength. Jill

Kim; I do know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend Joe was admitted to the ER with severe pain. He was well enough that he didn't qualify for hospice. The plan was to get his pain under control and for him to go home. He was doing well, eating McDonalds, talking, joking, getting up and moving around, so he made me leave to join the girls for our annual "girls weekend". Within 18 hours of me leaving he developed pneumonia and was intubated. I made it home just in time for them to pull his breathing tube (according to his wishes). I struggle with why didn't I do this, that, why didn't I see this coming, what if I hadn't have left, did he feel like I didn't care.......so much floating through my head. It has been 6 months and I am slowing coming to accept what happened. You have probably heard this a thousand times but God has a plan and no matter what you do, you can not change it. I believe your decisions were correct and for dealing with it alone, I commend you. Do not beat yourself up over it. Acceptance takes time, which I am slowly learning myself.

Why would one want to remove their timeline from their posts?

I felt cheated also........Joe was eating a cheeseburger and talking on the phone with me and 6 hours later, on a ventilator. I barely made it to his bed side before he died. But I remember saying to myself, "how am I going to handle this when he gets really bad......I don't think I can do it". Well......I never got to that stage and thank god neither did Joe. It was quick and I hope, peaceful. I go back and forth all the time.....yes it would be great to have them around for x amount more days but is it worth it to watch them suffer and be miserable? I will be thinking about you and all of the others on this site during this holiday........it's comforting to know that we are all in this together, even if just in thought. Take care, Jill

I can't even see to type because I am crying too hard..... That is a beautiful poem....Thank You! Jill

I understand completely! This is my first Christmas without Joe and I have been dreading it. It has been very hard. I wasn't going to put up any decorations but finally put up a few. Did send out cards. The joy of Christmas just isn't in me. People keep saying "Oh aren't you glad, Christmas is almost here!" and "Oh I can't wait for..." this and that. To be honest, I am glad Christmas is almost here because that means it is almost over!!! Just get it behind me! My family isn't the most supportive and we have always been very dysfunctional. I would actually rather be alone this year. Talk about depression!! YIKES! Anyhow.....I understand what you mean. People get all worked up over the stupidest things! They will never realize that until they loose someone they love deeply. Despite all the sadness, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! We can all get through it together! Jill

Hi all! I just had to share with you all that it was a year ago today that Joe had his right lung removed. The surgery was initially to remove the mass but when they got in there, discovered that the whole thing had to go. I remember being scared out of my mind but then strangely relieved that "they got it all". I remember thinking that he had such a better chance to make it. Denial? No......hope! Such a thin line between the two. Today I feel very sad and very angry. I constantly feel like I want to cry but nothing comes. I'm choking on it. Tonight I have to go to work, in the hospital where he died. Twelve hours. I hope it is busy so I don't sit and dwell on this day. Thanks for letting me vent! I will definitely be back online later tonite to check this web site. It is incredibly comforting. Much love, Jill

I have a few "experiences" and you are going to think I am crazy!!!!! Joe was a HUGE NASCAR fan and Jeff Gordon was his favorite driver. Please don't be offended by this because I don't mean it in a prejudice way but I always joked with Joe that Gordon was gay because he had the rainbow colors on his car. Well a few weeks after he died I was driving in town, wearing my Jeff Gordon shirt, passing "Rainbow Park" in my city and I looked up and there was a double rainbow! I kinda freaked. Then a few days later, I was watching the race and my rocking chair just started to rock, like someone got out of it. Weird. Was in Florida on vacation....kinda cloudy, no rain and look up and there is a rainbow. And I never really thought of it but 2 days before he died, I was passing through our hospital lobby. There is a self playing piano but that day a young girl was playing it. She was playing the song Kermit the Frog sings "Rainbow Connection". NOW THAT"S WEIRD! Also had a dream right after he died. Joe had quit smoking a year before he was diagnosed. In my dream I asked him to go with me to my class reunion. He showed up bald with his O2 and wearing a powder blue leisure suit. No biggy. In my dream I lost him and went looking for him and there he was sitting in a corner and lit up a cigarette. I screamed "What are you doing?!!!" and he replied "I can smoke if I want too!". Joe wouldn't be caught wearing that! It was soooo like his sense of humor! Anyway..........had to share!

Thank you all so much for your replies! It is nice to know that other people have had the same experiences...........makes me feel less crazy??? I work at the hospital where Joe died (7pm-7am) and some nights I have nothing to do but sit and think...think WAY TOO MUCH and not always constructively. At least I know I can come to this site and find people who really care and understand. I am calling my companys' Employee Assistance Program as soon as I finish here. Like Nick said..if it doesn't help at least it didn't do any harm. Thank you all so much!!! What a wonderful group of people!! Jill

Wednesday was a bad day for me. No significant reason or event. I cried myself to sleep tues. night and didn't get up until thurs. afternoon. Called in sick to work. Didn't shower. Didn't eat. Just wanted to lay there. I also felt physically sick to my stomach. I think I seriously need to see someone because I am feeling kinda crazy! I hope I don't have anymore days like that......can't afford to lose my job! Thanks for letting me vent! Jill

Beth, I have been reading alot of posts but haven't been replying but this got my attention. I am crying so hard right now I can't even see to type. I lost Joe on Aug. 14th and even though we had only been together for a year, the pain and grief is immense. I haven't hit any significate dates yet but just counting the months is difficult. And to top it off I work in the hospital where he died. I have to go into his room where he died every morning to do a chest xray on what ever patient is there. I visualize where everyone was standing and can picture him lying there. It was very hard at first but now I kind of tune it out. But tonite I took a short cut through our cancer treatment center lobby and stopped cold. It was empty and dark but the tv was on. I can still see him and me sitting there, watching that tv, waiting for the doctor. I started to sob. I have had good days and bad. I too have been drinking WAY too much trying to numb myself. And I also sleep alot. Don't want to be awake by myself. I have seen a doctor and was prescribed some meds but those just make me sleep more. I am thinking about seeing a therapist. Your post touched me deeply. I do understand completely and will need your support when "dates" arrive in my life. Thank you for staying away from the semi!!!!

Hi! My name is Jill D. My boyfriend was diagnosed with stage IV NSCLC in Aug. of 05. We met right before his diagnosis and have been together since. Unfortunately, Joe passed away on Aug. 14th. He leaves behind a 12 year old son. Joe was 39. I thought I was prepared for "when the time came" but this was really unexpected. He wasn't feeling well and was admitted for pain control but something went drastically wrong. He was up and walking and in good spirits and less than 8 hours later on a respirator and in 5 more hours, gone. I expected a slow drawn out sickness until the time came. I carry alot of guilt. Guilt for not knowing, for not doing more, for not being more pushy with treatments, the whole gammot! For not being there when he was intubated. Guilt to the point where I am physically sick. And so incredibly tired but not able to sleep. I hope it gets easier. I wasn't really sure how to introduce myself and not sure if this was the right place to talk about this. I would really like to hear from others who have been through this. I have also been reading other posts and boy do I have lots to add but I just can't get to them all right now. I will also be adding an avitar and a picture of Joe to my profile. Well that's all for now. Hope to hear from someone soon. Thanks much! Jill