crystleshoe
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Posts posted by crystleshoe
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I am so sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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kelly
i am right there with you. i am so short on patience these days. it seems like i am always mad about something. i am glad that you wrote this because i have been thinking that i was going crazy. my sisters and i took my dad out for dinner last week...it was my parents aniversary.. and no one even mentioned my mom. i wanted to stop at the cemetery and bring flowers and balloons but we were running late and they thought we didnt have time. i was so pi//ed off. it seems like not a day goes by that i dont cry or fly off the handle. there are so many things i am mad about. i am mad that the world goes on without my mom. and i am mad that i cant seem to come to terms with it all. and i am mad that my sister lives around the corner from the cemetery and cant ever make it there to bring flowers to our mom. i am mad that we still dont have her headstone yet. i am mad that all my thoughts of my mom are ruined by memories of the last 4 months of her life and that everything is tainted by the bad times and not rememberd for the good times. i am mad that 15 months after her death i am still missing her so much that i cant think about her without crying. i dont know if its part of the process or what but i am so tired of being mad and sad. i dont know how to make it better either but if i figure ou something i will shout it for all to hear. and now i am mad that my shift key seems to be broken so this will look really weird.
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Im like Sharyn and usually say that I "lost" my Mom to lung Cancer. Even after 15 months I cant really say that she died. i guess it seems too final. I dont really like that term though cuz it seems like she is a missing sock or something that I cant find. Sometimes i will say that my Mom was "stolen by lung cancer but that seems odd too. I guess there is not really a good term to use.
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Jackie
I am also grateful for the sunshine. The winter has bee way too long and way too snowy
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She's here
in HOPE
Im sorry I missed this but Congratulations. She is beeeautiful!
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beautifully said Lily and so true
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keep holding on by Avril Lavigne. I cant hear that song without crying.
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Randy I hope the day was filled with good memories.
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I have found that when conversations are heading in a direction that I cant handle at the time If I tell the person that I am not in the mindframe to talk about it they will back off. I think you should tell her that your feelings and emotions are so raw right now that maybe cancer should be a topic that isnt discussed till you are ready. Dont feel stupid you have been thru an awful thing and until someone is there and has dealt with it then they have no idea how it is.
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blueeye
I will be thinking of you today. I hope you can make some progress. I was thinking that maybe you could check with a local hospital or nursing home to see if they have any ideas on what to do with your Moms clothes. My daughter is a nurse at a nursing home and she tells me the little old ladies love new clothes. Maybe someone could arrange a "shopping" day for them and they can pick what they like. I hate that any of us ever have to deal with this. Wishing you luck.
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I went to my dads again yesterday to do some more cleaning out and made a little progress. I am having a hard time throwing away anything that was clearly my Moms. I find myself keeping anything that has her writing(even scraps of paper with phone #'s or notes). We did get to all the closets and clothes my Mom had and I have a patient at my pharmacy that is about the same size as my mom and she is not very well off and I was able to give her a bunch of new clothes and jackets and stuff and she was so grateful. I am sure Mom and her would have been great friends if they had met and I think my Mom would be ok with me giving the things to her. I think though that I will not ever be able to do this without any one else being there cuz I will save everything. Thank God for my sisters and my dad to keep me on an even keel.
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Hi Connie
I am sorry that you have the reason to be here but glad you found us. My Mom was stolen by lung cancer 1 year and 1 month ago and I am not used to her not being here. i miss her voice and the sight of her face and her cards in the mail and I even miss her complaining about the weather. The only advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. As for it getting easier I think that maybe it just becomes doable and not easier. We understand and are here for you.
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well I made it without too many tears and sadness, Thank goodness i wasnt alone cuz I wanted to touch and hold anything that was moms. We are gonna put all the photos and stuff in a box and have a cook out with all the family in the summer and then we can reminisce and have fun looking at how much younger(thinner,cuter,handsome ect.) we all were. We only have 3 weeks to get dad all moved out cuz I dont want him to have to pay rent on 2 places.Maybe its good that we have a time constraint cuz I dont think I will ever be ready to let some stuff go. I guess as long as everything stayed the same as when she was alive I felt that maybe it would all be a bad dream and I would wake to hear her voice again. Anyway....just wanted to say thanks for being here and Randy I am going to leave a photo of my Mom and Dad in the attic I like the idea of always knowing they will be there together.
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Well Dad will sign the lease on his new place on fri. we went to look at it Tues and he decided it would be the right place for him. I think that it will be too and I will feel that he is safer in the new place. I am happy for him really I am but I cant help feeling like it is one more step away from my mom. I miss her so much. I thought that I was ok and finally accepting her death but i guess i never really will be and I'll just learn to deal with it. We still have not touched Moms things and now we have to go through all her stuff and get my dad ready to move by March 1. My sisters and I will be starting that on Sat. so if any of you have any tips on how to get thru this Ill take all the advice you have
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Michele
I understand the feelings of her becoming a memory. I feel that too. Some nights I go to bed and then realize that I havent thought of my mom all day and then I am so sad beacause I am afraid that in some way I will forget her. We just passed the 1 year mark so we have done all the birthdays,holidays and seasons without her here and it seems so wrong to be moving on without her but I guess this is the new normal and we cant change it.
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Wow teri
that is awesome. I guess it is true that love has no boundries and can survive anyhing. I hope that it made you feel his love in his absence.
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Kelly I am so sorry that you have had another loss to cancer. This breaks my heart to think of those kids without their mom. They are so lucky to have you in their lives and I am sure that you will be a great comfort to them in the difficult weeks and months to come. Thinking of you and them tonight.
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wow this is a tough one. It seems like I am keeping everything. We havent really "cleaned out" her things yet and are just now trying to plan some time with my sisters to do that. I dont know that I will be able to get rid of anything. So far I have the purse that she was carrying when she went into the hospital (with everything in it) a change purse that has $4.51 cents in it (that I will never spend) and when my sister and I were doing some basic cleaning for my dad we came across a recipe for cookies that was written in my moms handwriting that my sister was gonna throw away because it was only 1/2 of the recipe but I kept it cuz it was moms writing. We need todo it soon cuz my dad will be moving to a small apartment soon. My hubbys fear is that he will end up with a garage full of stuff. How do you all decide what to keep?
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Well i have made it thru the 1 year mark and survived the day. We had a nice day and although my dad seemed a little quiet and there were some sad moments we all did ok. I truly cant believe its been a year. I mean how is that possible? Where did the time go? It just doesnt seem right to have a family get together without my mom and she will never be there again so i am kinda having a hard time with that. Now we have to prepare ourselves to go through moms things, we have been putting it off all this time but I think that we may finally be ok enough to do it. The loss of someone that you love so much is such a bizarre thing and I dont know how any of us ever make it thru.
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Well at this time last year my family and I were contemplating taking my Mom off breathing machines or leaving her on them (against her wishes) and giving God more time for a miracle. It is so hard to believe that it has been a full year since I have heard her voice or looked into her eyes and yet I remember every second of her illness like it was yesterday. I am having a hard time with the fact that someone can be such a huge part of your life for all your life and then they are not. I miss her so much still and I am pissed off that she will not be here for so many of the things that she should be here for. I have been working overtime this week and keeping very busy ( on purpose?) and this is the first time Ive had to be by myself with my thoughts. I wish I had the strong faith that she had and that my dad has that when you die you go to a better place. I feel like I let her down somehow and that if I was strong enough then I could have fought the battle for her. Instead of a memorial service we are having a celebration of her life. My family is all getting together to remember all of the good times we had with her and trade stories and photos. its crazy that the last 4 months of her life have overshadowed the other 70 years. I am so glad that I had her in my life and she taught me so much and if it weren't for her influence then I wouldnt be half the woman I am now and I want to try to let the good take over the bad. I want to be a good representation of her.
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Karen I agree with you 100 percent. NOBODY "deserves" to have lung cancer and I know that not all lung cancer is caused by smoking but it is a risk factor that we can and should eliminate. We are banning trans fat in food and then selling a proven cancer causing agent right down the street. It makes no sense to me(and I am an ex smoker)
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My dad has had a cough for a while now but he always says hes fine, well last May he ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. they put him on oxygen and though he hasnt been using it much latly he still has it. so my sister called me last nite and said Dad was coughing ALOT yesterday and to call him and nag him to go to the doctor well I didnt get the chance because he ended up going to the emergency room last nite and again they say its a touch of pneumonia. The doctor said my mom had pneumonia and had her on 2 rounds of antibiotics and it was only when she landed in the hospital and they tested the fluid from her lung that they discoverd "it" was really lung cancer. So my ??'s are... is it reasonable for me to request(insist) on another chest x-ray after he is done with the med"s?, Is it reasonable, since he had pneumonia less than a year ago' to request a CT scan and do I really want to go "looking for trouble"? How do I keep the panic from setting in?
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I am so glad to hear that you are having a great visit with your family. thats how it should be.
Mom's Birthday Tomorrow
in GRIEF
Posted
I understand how you are feeling. I also have times when I will remember something and it will just make me ball my eyes out. There have been a few times when I have had to pull over on the side of the road cuz I couldnt see to drive. I am also out of state and only get to the cemetary every few months or so. My sister actually lives within walking distance and cant seem to make it there to water the flowers that I bring. I also feel like everyone else in my family has had an easier time dealing with my moms death and they all seem to be ok and I feel like my whole life has been stopped and I dont know who I am and where I belong. Everthing just seems to be "wrong". I guess we wouldnt feel this pain so deeply if we didnt love them so deeply. Like you I kinda dropped off here because i found it too painful and I have been crying enuff so I try to avoid it. Hang in there and stay stong. Being a mom myself I know thats what I would want my daughter to do. Just know that you are not alone.