paulette1952

2 weeks to the day of my husbands death he came to visit me, I am so glad he did as he now looks well and younger. It was strange as I felt him cover me over with my sheets in bed then rubbed my back, it was amazing, I asked him if he has seen my brother(he died young) and my dad, he said he's seen my brother but not my dad. He said its warm here and you need no money, he also said he does not know all yet(what ever that means) He also asked me a strange question, if I was going to marry again and i said NO. I also asked him if he has seen God yet and he said not yet. It was not a dream, this was real as after this experience something lifted from me and I know he will be there for me when its time for me to go. Can't wait.

Its been 1 week and 4 days since Peter passed away, I feel now I have no purpose, what am I working for now, why do I have to carry on, how selfish of me I know when I have 2 great sons and 4 lovely grandchildren to love, but its not the same not having to share them all with Pete. He's looked after me finacially even after death, but I would rather still be struggling just to have him back. I have his photo's everywhere so I can kiss them as I go by, some days I just break down and let it all out, even when I am in the grocery store and see something I used to buy him starts me off, its quite embarrassing in front of people who don't know why I am crying. Life is cruel and I hope it won't be to long before he comes and gets me as there is nothing more i really want to do now. Hopefully TIME will stop making me feel like this.

THIS IS HOPE TO ALL OF US WHO ARE GRIEVING. I have to tell you all the day before his body died, my husband sat up(he has not been able to sit up because the pain was too great) on his own and looked through my son who was in the romm and shouted to someone we could not see and said 'I am not leaving yet' it just proves to me that this is not the end, someone came to get him. I believe that and now my unbelieving sons do now.

My husband's funeral went fantastically, I am so proud of Shane he did a lovely tribute to his dad, everyone was in tears. My husband was a taxi driver, the whole town stopped as there was a convoy of taxis all in the town, there was no room in the chapel as it was so packed with so many friends and relatives he had the best funeral and send off anyone could have had, my other son Scott chose 2 beautiful and apt songs for his dad, I am so proud of both my sons, thank god i have them both.

Peter is now settled in the hospice nice and comfortable, they even have a bed for me right next to his bed so I can be with him night and day if need be. Lovely staff there all very caring.

Dear Don, they could only give my husband 1 blast of radiation as it would do more harm than good, I have to put my faith into the experts, they are suppose to know what they are doing. The cancer has spread further up his back, all i can hope for is he goes into remission and I have him for much longer. Thanks for your comments.

I feel so upset tonight, I want things back as they were, I want our life back together, why can't there be a miracle, its not fair, I'm so unhappy, I don't think I will be happy ever again. WHATS THE POINT OF IT ALL.

Hi everyone, Peter is now waiting for a bed at our local hospice. He can no longer get up on his feet the pain in his back is too bad. Despite all what is going on with him he is still so cheerful and is still hoping to get home. Paulette

Dear all, I can't believe whats happening in my family, not only is my husband terminal I have a cousin who has lymph cancer, another cousin has ovarian cancr and now her son who is 40 has kidney cancer. I know 1 in 3 people are now getting cancer, it must be in the food chain or why would this disease be so rampant. The governments needs to look at this seriously. All these pesticides additives is killing us all. It seems the modern world is destroying itself. Update on my husband is he tried to come home on Friday but had to be resubmitted into hospital as we could not control the pain, he may have to go in a hospice if thing don't improve, the cancer now has spread further up his spine towards his neck and the pain is awful. He has a syringe driver in his stomach with some sort of cocktail in it which seems to help the pain, the doctors said they don't like to keep them on it for too long because of side effects, my argument is if it eases the pain then don't worry about the side effects for all what is going on in side of him. Paulette

Hi everyone I have had the results of Peters CT scan today he has now got a fracture on his spine, the cancer is eating his bones, so does not look good for him. He will be having radiotheraphy now on his spine to ease the pain. I AM SO ANGRY, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO SUFFER, ITS NOT FAIR, HE IS A GOOD MAN. The next stage to this cancer is it will probably go to his brain, then that will be it, what an outcome, nothing to look forward too, I AM SO ANGRY WITH THE WORLD, STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF.

Hi everyone Peter is still in hospital and is on a morphine driver, it seems to have got him out of pain and they are going to take it out of him tonight and put back the fentanel patches and see how he goes. I still have not had the results of his last ct scan hopefully tomorrow. It has been indicated to me that he will probably have another session of radiotheraphy on his back as they fear it may have progressed up his back. Will keep you informed. I ahve a son who lives in Seattle who will be coming over agian on 26th of this month, he is so worried bless him rings all day long, thanx Shane if your reading this.

Dear all Had to dial 999(emergency number) at 0700hrs yesterday, peters pain was terrible could not control it, they gave him morphine in the arm at the hospital , the third shot worked for a while. He had an xray as they thought he may have fractured a bone, but that was clear, he had his scan in the afternoon so i will get the results today(tues). I have just rang the hospital(0500hrs) and he had a good night. Will be going up there at 1000hrs, will keep you posted Paulette

Seven hours later from my last post its time to get mu husband up, he can't get up, he tries for an hour but the pain was too much, so i managed to get him on to his side and he ate his bit of toast what he takes with his morning pills. Its now 4 hours later I know he wants to go to the bathroom, but i still can't get him up, he says he will try again in an hour, that can't be good for him holding every thing up. I said i would call him some help but he refuses, he is now getting angry with me as he thinks i am trying to get him to go in the hospice, i want to keep him at home but only if he will take pain relief and help with getting him in and out of bed. There, I've now got it off my chest!!

My husbands pain is going to get worse and he will be on higher doses of pain killers and theres nothing I can do but watch him deterioate in front of my eyes. I have just given him his late night pills, but the pains in his back are terrible, he can't get comfy, he can't really stay up for more than 10 minutes twice a day, he tells me to cut the pills back as he is sleeping to much , but i say to him you need them for the pain, he says to me i don't want to be sleeping all the time(he hasn't taken it in how ill he is) I don't want to be in a zombie state. I can't bear to see him in this pain but he is so stubborn about taking extra pain relief, I don't know what I am going to do with him. He has another CT scan on monday to see whats going on inside(I fear it has spread further up his spine as he has bone cancer and lung) I will have to tell him if its spread otherwise he will not take the pain relief. But i still want him to fight this and i am frightned if the doctors tell him theirs no hope he will give up. What am i to expect with the next stages of the illness has anyone else had LC then secondary bone cancer, what stage is he in , if its the 4th stage what happens next to him with this. I am glad i have this site to air all my thoughts,just needed to get it off my chest, thanks for reading this. Paulette

Dear all, Thank you all for your comments, my husband is having another ct scan on monday to see if its spreading any further, I fear it may have as he has terrible pains in his back, even morphine seems not to touch it right now. He is so brave to put up with this pain, i cry for him. At the moment he won't take extra pain relief as he says he doesn't want to get reliant on drugs for when he's better, he is so positive. Thank you all again for your support, I will keep you posted on his progress. Paulette