Debi

What wonderful news Don... I'd do cartwheels for you if I wasn't so damn old!!! So glad that light is shining once more!!!! Debi

I have not had to go for any check ups yet since I just had my surgery recently, but you know...I am going to be just as stressed as you are right now when I do! I hope that they get to the bottom of why your boyfriend is running a fever but remember, it doesn't mean that this is a death sentence. I know that you are just having a terrrible night, and I think all can relate to how you feel. I feel your pain and your heartache but you know, after reading the posts on the board, even if the cancer has come back....it CAN be fought! And we don't even know THAT yet! Please post the results tomorrow of what they found. And don't forget, you may be awake all night but you're not really alone. I'll be thinking of you over here and sending good wishes your way!!! Debi 46 years old Stage 1A NSCLC Surgery June 16th, upper and mid lobe right lung removed

Andrea, Being positive and strong all the time is pretty impossible...I think everyone "loses" it occasionally and has to "regroup". It sounds like everything is pretty good right now for you and yours..the perfect time for you to take a break from being positive and strong! Maybe you can take a few days for "you" time and like suggested above, do something nice for yourself...you certainly deserve it! Debi

Thanks for the responses. Eileen..I always appreciate your posts...you have this quiet strength and common sense and I identify so much with you and what you say. Tiny and David...thanks for the encouragement. I think I will take the d.a.m.n. job...I've never actually lived safely before...why start now? I'm going to continue trying to decide...but will give the fact that I am "sick" less importance in my final decision. Soon I will start thinking like a well person again, I hope....thanks to you guys!! Oh, and my birthday is August 19th...my sister's birthday is July 3rd tho!! Happy belated birthday David!!! Debi

David, WOW!! I ran out of breath just reading your post!! (okay, I admit..easy feat right now!) I wish you lots of luck in your training...keep us posted (no pun intended!) on the dates and stuff!! And in the words of our hero, Clint...go ahead, make our day!!! Go out there and kick butt!! Debi 46 years old Stage 1A Surgery June 16, 2003, upper, mid lobe removed.

Thanks David. Just wanted to say that you, and others like you, are an inspiration to me and I am just so glad that you "remember" and come to this board! I don't post much anymore now that my surgery is over as far as my own posts, because sometimes I feel bad griping about what are minor things in the giant scope of things here. For instance: My surgeon told me yesterday that my odds, in this type of cancer, is 70% that it won't recur. Those would be really good odds for so many of the good people on this board; and meanwhile, the figure 70% just keeps spinning round in my head. To me, 70% is disquieting. It terrifies me that I have a 30% chance that this hell may come back. I'm also struggling with trying to decide whether to quit my job which I have grown to despise. A new company came to town and I have actually managed to get through 2 interviews without letting on that I have had surgery. I laughed when I read your advice about climbing stairs...when I went for the 2nd interview today, the dirt road to the hiring trailer was all dug up. My only option was to park on the street (this is only my 3rd time driving the damn car) and climb up this deep, dirt embankment, over this muddy hill and walk across this tire rutted dirt and mud parking lot to get to the trailer. I remember parking the car, standing in the street looking at what I had to walk over and thinking "Oh shi_!!!". I hesitated, weighing my options which were basically NONE...and started walking in my heels. About 10 minutes later I ended up at the trailer, gripping the railing and gasping for air. Talk about Extreme Job Interview!!! Anyway, I have to let the manager know within a few days if I accept his offer. He wasn't able to quite meet my current salary because all the department manager jobs have been taken but offered me something that was close. I really want to leave my current job but that 30% keeps rising in my head....like, what am I stupid to want to make life changes now? Maybe I should wait..but then I will lose the opportunity to get in the door of this company. I won't have to start at the new job till September or so, so I won't have to worry about recovery. But I don't know if I'm in some sort of denial, and should just sit tight where I am. THis is all so new to me...to actually have some type of limitations...even if they are short term. And this new job will be slightly competitive..will I be able to perform as well as I have at jobs in the past? And what if I have a recurrence? Will they be understanding? What about insurance..will they cover my conditon and my follow ups? I find myself with all these questions that I never had before ... this is all new to me. I never had to worry if I would be able to "keep up" before. Oh well, I ended up writing another novel. That's what happens when its 4:30 in the morning and there's nothing to do! Again, I don't mean to whine about trivial things when this disease is so much about struggling to live. I feel petty complaining but this "stuff" in my brain is starting to bog me down. Again David, thanks for coming here and giving away free hope!! Thanks to all as well! Debi 46 years old Stage 1A NSCLC Surgery June 16, 2003- upper & mid lobe removed, right lung

Don, My thoughts are with you and Lucie...and hoping that that light will start to shine for the 2 of you soon. Debi

TJ. Thanks for the website for the exercise!! I really appreciate it. I am feeling better every day..I'm kind of disgusted that I still have pains and trouble sleeping at times, but its only 3 weeks from surgery so I guess it is to be expected. I went for my 3 week post op appointment with my surgeon yesterday and he said I am doing good. Easy for him to say!! I still have pain but it is definitely manageable and every day I seem to be able to do a bit more. The dead feeling and pain in my right midsection is the thing that is driving me the craziest!!! I can't even explain what it feels like but I guess people that have had the surgery know! Thanks again! Debi 46 years old Stage 1A NSCLC Surgery June 16, 2003- upper & mid lobe removed, right lung

Marcia, Best of luck tomorrow...will be thinking of you! Debi 46 years old upper & mid right lobe removed June 16, 2003 Stage 1A

Annie, I'm sorry that you have to go through this and I imagine you must be extremely frustrated and angry. I can only write from my own experience. I had surgery a few days after your husband and have written previously on the board how difficult it is for me to not smoke. I opted in the hospital not to have the patch so that I could detox while I was on all the meds and stuff. I didn't want to have to worry about the physical addiction once I got out. I'm also a recovering alcoholic, having been sober for 21 years. Smoking is and has been, my hardest addiction to overcome. Even though I am physical detoxed, mentally it is a daily battle. I use all the tools of my past 12 step programs in order not to light up that damn cigarette. This includes lying to myself. I used to sit in the back of AA meetings, HATING the fact that I was there, and would promise myself that in 1 year, I would drink because I couldn't imagine life without drinking. I have found it necessary to do the same thing with smoking. I have told myself that in 1 year I will smoke because I cannot imagine life without ever having another cigarette. I know that I'm lying to myself, because in 1 year I will not WANT to smoke, but for some reason it works for me...its like setting your bedroom clock 15 minutes faster than the rest of the clocks! It gives me this mental peace..okay, today I'm not smoking..but I will smoke again some day because, above all, I cant imagine life without cigarettes. Sick, huh?? Damn cigarettes are going to kill me and I sit wistfully thinking of having one, not imagining life without this smoking wad of weeds in my mouth.... I would think that the proof of addiction couldn't be clearer. My doctor told me that there were different "levels" of nicotine addiction and that for some its as difficult as quitting heroin. That would be me! But I refuse to smoke...until next June of course! I wanted to let you know my own experience since surgery with my smoking addiction. That said, as much as I understand and empathize with your husband's struggle, he has made a choice to continue in his addiction. You have not had the option of a choice and thats not really fair since you're around for the same ride. I don't have any advice or answers for you Annie..other than maybe alternative methods for Tim to quit with. Has he ever tried hypnotism? I know that has worked for some. I can't imagine that Tim is not annoyed with himself for smoking again...perhaps you can work together into finding an alternate way for him to quit? I also know they have smoking support groups...maybe that would be a way to go for him to get ideas to fight this. I wish you both the best of luck and I hope that Tim finds it in him to fight the fight! Debi

Mark, I had seen your original post and chose not to respond yesterday. However, I am up this morning because I am in pain and felt the need to answer your last post. I'm not sure where you are coming from on the "survivor" angle. Here is Websters definition of survivor: to continue to function or prosper despite : WITHSTAND- sur·vi·vor /-'vI-v&r/ noun I would think that everyone on this board, including (or especially) caregivers, meet the above "criteria" without it being used as a "marketing" term by psychologists. When I look at my back in the mirror, I'm apalled and at the same time sort of grateful...I SURVIVED my operation and if I stay clear of cancer, I will have survived this disease. By saying that survivor is a marketing term, I feel that my trials so far (which compared to others here is small) are negated. Its as if I showed someone my scar (to me I look like a living autopsy) and they merely shrugged their shoulders, unimpressed. Scientific reality is fine...but it doesn't exactly move me. People here move me. People give you motivation to try to live (and music) . Guess I've always been a fan of Gloria Gaynor and her "I will survive". You can't even hum to scientific reality. Anyway, I'm not meaning to be argumentative..I found something almost bitter in your post..or resentful of the fact that people do consider themselves lung cancer survivors. Could be just me...have been having some bad days but don't really want to complain...there are alot of people suffering more than I am. Yesterday was difficult..my 4 year old woke up all hyped up about seeing fireworks...after my surgery, I wasn't well enough to take him to see them. Minor compared to most problems here; major for me. I wish you the best of luck Mark...hope I didn't bore you with my 6 am discourse!! Debi

Carleen, Your post made me feel good. Sometimes its not the big steps that are the best accomplishments but the little ones, and I'm glad that you took the time to post about Keith making it to Summerfest. That certainly is good news and it also was nice to hear you feeling better, in comparison to how you've been feeling lately.. that was good news too. I'm glad that, at least for a moment, things were okay for you. I wish you and your husband many more of those moments ahead. Debi

Deb, Just wanted to wish you and your dad luck with his appointment. I cant spell thoracic either...but you do have pulmonary down so that's a good thing! Have no advice for you...just wanted to agree with you that all this sucks. Also, just remember....the high taxes that you pay on Long Island are to ensure that you can eat bagels, REAL pizza and Carvel ice cream on a daily basis if needed. Once you leave Long Island you may only pay about 1/10th the taxes and car insurance but you would be willing to pay a Kings Ransom for a pizza that actually moves when held upside down. And sprinkles!!! Do you now how LONG it has been since I've had SPRINKLES on my ice cream cone? You ask at Braums and they're totally clueless as to what sprinkles are. They tell you they have M&Ms or Reeses Peeces pieces. So smile when you pay those taxes ! And seriously, hope all goes well with dad!!

Ok Gina...I won't top you since you're absolutely nuts lol, but I was kind of proud of myself with this one since it was the day after surgery! I was in the Special Care Unit and these 2 guys show up to visit me. It's a black guy and a white guy, both wearing suits, with somber faces and carrying clipboards. They sit down and both cross their legs the same way while I'm laying in bed thinking I'm having a morphine induced Men in Black fantasy. The white guy, who was slightly ghoulish looking, starts asking me questions about where I live, etc. I was totally confused because I didn't know who these people WERE..blame the native New Yorker in me but DON'T come in asking me all these questions and NOT tell me who you are!! So I asked him who he was, and he was vague about it...said something about Mind and Body...which was even scarier!! I asked him if he worked for the Cancer Center and he didn't answer..the whole time the other guy was just watching me. I'm laying there, trying to figure out if these guys are some kind of preachers or what and getting more pissed off by the minute that they wont just spit out who the hell they are! The white guy kept asking me about family, and if I had any in the area, etc. and both of them are checking things off on their clipboards Just then the phone rang and it was my sister. As soon as I picked up the phone, I told my sister deadpan and loudly..."If I go missing...they have 2 people in here asking me if I have family and stuff...I think they're planning on harvesting my kidneys. Call the police if I disappear." My sister knows me so knows my sense of humour and said she would call me back since someone was there. LOL I hung up the phone and said to the 2 men staring aghast at me...THERE..now I ruined your little plot...find someone ELSES kidneys!! Well, the ghoulish guy just turned whiter and started denying that they were there to harvest my organs LOLOL...the other guy "got" me and just started cracking up. Then the ghoulish one finally got it and the point and told me exactly what they were doing there. Both of them loosened up totally (thank God...they were so stuffy). When the 2 left a bit later, I said to them...so your title really is "Mind and Body?" and the one guy leaned over and whispered in my ear diabolically, "that would be ...Mind, Body and Kidney!". I hate to pat myself on the back, but I think I made their day...they were giggling still as they left!

Ada, Just sign me up for the better late than never club...did not see your post until now! Even though I'm fairly new, I have noticed what an inspiration and strong presence you are. You always have kind words and encouragement to add, I know that you have in my case and have been grateful for everything you have shared with me. You are a powerful role model, exuding confidence and faith that all things are manageable which is a blessing, especially for someone new on the board. I am glad that your surgery is over and the pain is tolerable...I wish you and your husband sunnier skies ahead. Debi

Thanks Gina & David...I'm glad I'm not the only one still craving a cigarette. It seems that with every day, the better I feel, I want one more. It's so ludicrous! Talking about people smoking with tubes in and all..the Cancer Treatment Center actually has a smoking "lounge". The evening before my surgery, I stayed in one of the guest rooms and of course, eventually found my way to the desolated wing of the 4th floor which housed the "lounge", even though I had vowed not to smoke the night before. Well, the room was totally disgusting..ceiling turned yellow and brown, etc etc. I was having a cigarette when this one woman came in, no hair, with an IV pole with about 10 bags hanging off of it and some other apparatus hooked up to her. She came in asking if anyone had a lite cigarette, which is what I smoked and I happened to have them on the table in front of me. I felt bad giving her one, but felt like it wasn't my place to not give her one, she was an adult. After she lit it, I tried not to watch the whorls of smoke going thru the various tubes and we started talking. She comes there once a month for treatments and was a very nice woman. After talking awhile, she asked what I was there for and I told her that I was having lung surgery the next day. At this point, her eyes narrowed, and she said, very judgementally, "and you're smoking?" I'm not sure if anyone else appreciates the humour in this situation but I did. Anyway, I absolutely refuse to pick up another cigarette and am trying to find a new addiction to take its place. It has to be remotely bad for me but not life threatening. Since I have such an addictive personality, I don't think I'll be happy until I find a new addiction!

Thanks Norme! I'm feeling better and better every day, believe it or not! Thanks for the idea about writing short stories...its actually one of those things I always wanted to do and never was able to follow it through. Maybe, now that I do have time on my hands, I can try to write one (or better yet, finish one)! Thanks for your vote of confidence!!

Gina: You guys most certainly were right about the surgery aftermath. In fact, wasn't it you who said it would feel like a fleet of trucks hit me and every day there would be less trucks? LOL...that would be about the most accurate. Actually, every day I feel a bit more in tune with my body again and I'm sure, in time, it will be the finely tuned instrument it once was (Well, it never actualy WAS, but sounds good lol). I seem to be sleeping more now than I have been. At first I fought it but now I'm rolling with it..figure my body is trying to tell me something. People at work are dropping off food every night to me..they have a schedule and every night someone else prepares something and drops it by. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely appreciative but I need to vent. If I get one more dish with chicken or turkey I'm going to scream. I would give my first born for a side of beef right about now. I live in Oklahoma for crying out loud..there are cows on every corner..what's with the chicken? There, I feel better (ungrateful perhaps, but better). The other thing driving me nuts is smoking. YOu would think I need my head examined. I'm not smoking nor do I ever intend to again, but I dream about it and find myself thinking about it half the time. I refused to wear the patch in the hospital because I wanted to detox from the nicotine while I was there so my cravings are not physical, just mental. But I didn't expect it to be on my mind almost continuosly, what an addiction! I am a recovering alcoholic, clean for 20 years... but even THAT has been a walk in the park compared to nicotine. Debi

Shannon, I am so sorry to hear that Mike is gone. Debi

Good luck to you and your husband on his surgery. I'm currently recuperating from surgery myself and while it is no picnic, it actually isn't as terrible as I had conjured up in my head. I got through it, you know, and so will your husband. And I agree, definitely have him get the epidural. This way his pain medication will be delivered right into the nerve base around his spine...I may be new at this, but I know this is the way to go for pain management. I agree with what Katie said also about the emotional ups and downs. I must add, that when I was getting ready for my surgery and also after my surgery, I wanted to be a shining power of example for humankind.. this mother teresa type of person that would be remembered for her good words and the way she handled herself. NOT!!! I really strove to be better than myself but the fact is I can be a real b**** and when I'm under stress, I'm only going to be a bigger one. I was cranky and unhappy and everyone was going to know it because if ever in my life I deserved to be cranky it was now. I'm not saying that this is the exemplary way to behave but like said above...we're human. Just remember that this too shall pass. I will be thinking of you on Thursday and I'm sure your husband will do fine!!

Great for you Bob! And good for your wife!! I always chuckle when I see your picture. When I first came on this board (all of about 6 weeks ago lol), you were one of the first to respond to my post. You told me that surgery would be okay and that your picture was taken 4 weeks after your surgery in the Peruvian rain forest (or somewhere equally exotic) on some rope drawbridge. I remember thinking "What the ???"...I don't do rope bridges or jungles with TWO lungs!!" LOL Anyway, you are an inspiration!!!

Gina!! Great to hear you went to see someone and all is okay. You have helped me so much regarding what laid ahead for me with my surgery and were one of the many who gave me hope since I related so well to you. Keep forging ahead woman, I'm right there with you..well maybe a little behind you but with a little work, I'll catch up! Debi

Thanks for all your replies as always!! And Ada, I asked my doctor about some kind of home health nurse and he said that unfortunately, most insurance companies will not cover it for follow up care for this type of health issue. I don't have oxygen..they took it off the 3rd day because I am maintaining a rate of abouve 95% oxygen without it. But you are right, it would be nice to have these things "checked" once your'e home. I am trying to wrestle with how much to do and not to do. I'm not sure how much I should stay in bed and how much I need to walk around. I don't want to underdo or overdo it. I can still barely hit 1000 on that spirometer thing but continue to try to get higher. At this point, I'm kind of just listening to my body and "force" it up from time to time, walk around a bit, get on computer a bit and then walk back to bed and sleep. This afternoon I am attempting my first shower since I'm home..I have a claw foot tub so this should be interesting. If I don't post within the next 2 days or so, call the police, I'm trapped in my tub!! LOL Again, thanks for all your support and appreciate all your coments!! Sorry for the typos...I've decided this is good therapy for my right side but backspacing kills me so I let the typos fall where they lay!

Well, I finally know what board to post on! I got home from Tulsa yesterday afternoon and am in my recuperation stage. The surgery was, as you all know, God awful but it was doable. As my daughter wrote in a previous post, the surgeon took out my upper and mid right lung and also lymph nodes. The only cancerous results came from the original nodule itself; the rest of my lung tissue and the nodes were clean. My surgeon said I will be having 3 month follow up appts for the next 2 years to watch things. I think my biggest shock was that for 6 days I was interupted every 4 hours and given breathing treatments, massive antibioditics, nausea pills, etc and then on the 6th day I'm disconnected from everything and sent home with a prescription for pain pills clutched in my hand. I mean, there are no instructions for my wound care or what if I get pneumonia, etc? I feel like I should be in a half way house or something for a few days! lol The pain pills are a good thing though. I am told they have a high street value so I may have solved my little $170/week disability problem. Only kidding OF COURSE!!! Anyway, no one had told me about gaining weight after surgery. I brought this little summer dress that barely fit me to the Cancer Center with me since I KNEW for sure that I would lose weight while there. Ummm. I stepped on the scale and had gained 12 pounds in 5 days. They tell me that surgery will put weight on because of the fluids??? Does this disappear automatically or will I cough it up or what? Can a woman do ANYTHING and not gain weight?? My whole torso, particular the right side seems to be numb under my breast and I seem to be having problems with being "regular". Also, I seem to have numb "spots" on my face and nose. My legs also feel wierd, a bit on the numb side, not sure if thats from the swelling of water or aftermath of the epidural. Then of course I have the pain where the chest tubes were..told my friend it feels like somebody stuffed flaming socks into my body. This was, of course, after taking my new pain pill. Anyway, going back to join my 150 pillows in bed. If anyone has any helpful hints about any of above, feel free please. Again, thanks again for all your support...it is becuase of you that I didn't dread the surgery as much as I would've. And yeah, it hurt, but worth it! Debi

That is so wierd..especially the part about the watch. You reminded me of when my dad died 10 years ago from a sudden heart attack. He had always bugged me about checking the oil in my car and whenever I stopped by my parents house, he would ask me, "have you checked the oil lately?" Of course I would grin and say, "oh, sure" and minutes later he would have the hood up and be checking the dipstick because he knew that I never checked it. It was like a running joke. My oil signal light on the console had gone out a couple years earlier, so it actually was important that the oil be checked from time to time but lazy me, never did. My dad tinkered with cars, but never could fix that indicator light! In the blur of the days following his death, I was driving home from my mother's house and the oil light flashed on. The hair on my neck stood straight up, because I KNEW, without any reservations, my dad did it. That light hadn't worked in 2 years, and the oil could've been bone dry and it still hadn't worked! My dad had sent me a signal and taken care of something for me that he couldn't take care of anymore. From that day on, the oil light worked. The very next day, I went to get gas. The flap on the gas tank hadn't worked manually in ages either, I always had to give the gas attendant my key so that he could unlock it. Just for the heck of it, I pulled the lever for the gas, and lo and behold, the damn thing swung open. All I remember feeling is this huge warmth. It was 2 "coincidences" in a row, I told very few people about it because they looked at me like OHHH...and I wasn't sure that they believed me. But the important thing was that I knew. Through the years, I tended to put it in the back of my mind...one of those too freaky to think about things. Thank you for reminding me!!