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bam451

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  1. bam451

    2 years tomorrow

    Wow, it's been a long time since I've been here. I had to finally cut the strings because it was too emotional for me. Tomorrow it will be two years that my beautiful mother passed away. The wave of emotions have totally snuck up on me. I've been doing better. I've been doing real good remembering the good times and not letting cancer fog my memories. I talk about her all the time to her grandson Jacob. Whenever we look at the stars I tell him that it's his Grandma Bonny looking down on him. I tell him all the time how much she loves him and that they would have been so close. But here I sit tonight crying like a baby. Last year I took off work because I didn't think I could handle it. I'm starting to think I should have taken tomorrow off. I just miss her so much! I'm so angry that she's gone. That she was taken from me. That all my other friends have their moms and get to do mother daughter things. That she was taken from us before she could meet her grandson. We were so close, and I still feel that closeness to her. Somedays it's just not enough. I guess today is one of those days. Thanks for listening to me vent.
  2. I haven't been on since my mom died 6 months ago. It's just soo hard. As Sheri said in another post, it can be hard to listen to postive stories of people who are responding well to treatment, it's hard to not obsess over others stories of grief.. But I'm feeling so lonely lately. I really miss her. I was 5 months pregnant when my mom died. I ended up coming down with this rare pregnancy syndrome and had my baby two months early on Mother's Day. It was a day I had been dreading! I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. But then I had Jacob.. It just makes me so sad to know he'll never get to know my mom.. She would have made a great grandma. Sometimes I don't even recognize my life anymore. So much has changed. My hubby and I moved in with my dad... I couldn't stand leaving him alone. I just feel so sad all the time. I think I hide it pretty well. I know I have a ton of family and friends who are here for me.. but after a while you get tired of talking about it. It doesnt change ANYTHING. She's still gone.
  3. I can relate to your feelings about loosing a parent. I lost my mother in March.. She was only 58 and I was 29. She was my best friend in the world and life is so hard with out her. You are so right.. there is no replacing a parent. I know I'm a grown woman.. I'm married.. I shouldn't need her anymore.. But I do. I feel like I've been robbed. I was! I've had people who I think have tried to fill in the mother role.. Which I didn't take very well.. Nobody can ever replace her.
  4. I totally relate. I don't know who I am with out my mom. All the things I did with her, because she would do anything, I do alone now. All the silly questions I wouldn't know the answer to, I'd just ask mom. I always considered myself to be such a happy bubbly person... Sure, I can fake it really good sometimes, but I just want "me" back. I'm scared that I'll never see her again..
  5. I think I've been doing pretty well since my mom died. Maybe it's because we knew it was coming, maybe it's because we were so close and I have no regrets over anything. Some days I feel bad that I'm doing as well as I am. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like crazy. She was my best friend. I'm still not sure how to fill this void I have in my heart. Today, my phone rang and it was an old friend of my moms. She had just found out that my mom was sick and died yesterday. She was heartbroken. I've never met the woman before, but heard a lot about her. She kept telling me how sorry she was and how wrong this was. She kept telling me how proud my mom was of me.. Which should comfort me, but it's so hard to hear sometimes. I know I was my moms world.. But with her gone, it leaves such a huge void. Then she went on to tell me how much my mom meant to her. She is from China and has no family here at all. Seven years ago, she had her first child and my mom really took her under her wing and told her all about being a mom. As she told me all about it, I just lost it. Who's going to tell me all this stuff? God, how am I going to become a mom for the first time with out my mom? It's just so unfair. I know there isn't anything anyone can say or do... I have great friends and family who are here for me, but it's not MY mom. I really feel alone and scared. And my doctor wonders why I have high blood pressure = ) On top of all of this, this time of year is really hard.. On April 22nd, my husband and I celebrated our anniversary. It should be a fun time for us, but now I just think back about mom and all the fun she had and it becomes sad. May 3rd, I graduate from my 2nd masters. Mom was so excited and now she's not here to actually see it. On May 8th, I turn 30. Birthdays were so special for me and my mom. Then there's mothers day, which I can't seem to even imagine this year, and last, my parents 35th anniversary on the 19th. What a month... Thanks for listening... I needed to vent somewhere.
  6. bam451

    Letting Go....

    I feel the same way. Although my mom only passed away about two weeks ago, I feel like I've been grieving for her for a long time now. Some days I don't know what scares me more... Never finding myself again.. (I liked who I was before my mom got sick.. I don't know if I will ever find that person again), or getting on with my life and accepting that she's really gone. I just can't stand the fact that she's gone. There were so many plans, and if I give up those plans, then I don't know who I am or how to live my life.
  7. bam451

    Bonny Michaels

    It's so weird to look at my mom's obituary. I can't believe she's really gone. She was my best friend and I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. If you would have asked me last week I would have told you that the last 1 1/2 have been the longest years of my life, but the second she passed, it felt as if those two years flew by and I wasn't prepared at all to see her go. I know she is in a better place now. But it's hard to not be selfish and wish that better place wasn't here with me and Dad. Every time I start to cry, I just grab my shoulder, because I know that's where she will always be... Sitting on my shoulder watching over me. Michaels, Bonita A. Bonita A. "Bonny" Michaels, nee Young; age 58, died after a courageous battle with cancer, beloved wife of James Michaels; loving mother of Beth (Armin) Gonzalez; dear sister of Jack (Lucille) Young; aunt of many. Visitation Thursday 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. at Adams-Winterfield & Sullivan Funeral Home, 4343 Main St. (1 blk. So. of Ogden Ave.), Downers Grove. Visitation Friday 8:30 a.m. until time of Service 9 a.m. at Immanuel Lutheran Church, 5211 Carpenter Street (at Grove), Downers Grove. Interment Clarendon Hills Cemetery. Memorials to The Baby Gonzalez Education Fund, appreciated.
  8. bam451

    She's gone..

    Well, our fight is over! Mom passed away this past week (St. Pat's Day) and I burried her yesterday. My mom was 58 years old and my very best friend. It seems so hard to believe that she's actually gone. Even though she's been so sick, and it's been a long time since I really felt like she was hear.. It's still so hard. I thought I was prepared, but I just can't believe that I"m never going to see her again. She left my dad and I letters expressing her gratitude and love for us both. She also left a gift and card for her grandbaby (I'm due July 8th) It just breaks my heart that we were all robbed.. She would have been the best grandmother!! I know I don't comment often on here, but you have all been such a source of strength for me. Many of you have helped me out and I am forever thankful!
  9. Mom is not doing to well. On 12-28 we found out that the last resort treatment she was on (Taxotere) was no working and there was significant progress in both lung and rib areas. We havent had a pet scan to see if it has spread, but I wouldn't doubt that it has. THere is nothing else that they can do for mom. Although they have not given her a timeframe, I'm trying to be realistic. If the cancer is growing on treatment, why would it slow down when she's off. Our hopes was that she would maybe feel a little bit better off treatment for the time she has left. This is so devastating for me. I found out in Oct. that I was pregnant with my first child, and now I doubt she will be here to see her first grandchild. I guess I'm rambling off topic... Since finding out the bad news on Friday, mom has been in really bad pain. She was currently on 75mcg of Fentanyl patch. They increased it to 100mcg and she's on break through medicine (not sure the name at the moment) but it really isn't working. I hate to see her in pain. The problem is the higher she goes up on the patch, the more out of it she is. She doesn't talk, or answer many questions.. she sleeps all the time. She said she wants to go back down to 75mcg because she's at least able to feel alive. But then you see her pain sticken face... I'm going out of my mind and so is my father. Does anyone have any experience with any other pain meds that might now knock her out..
  10. Hi Steph! My mom was on Alimpta from June-Oct '07. It didnt do as much for my mom as I had hped it would, but it did keep her stable.. no progression at all until October.
  11. I too had the same argument with a sales clerk last year. This year I tried to avoid the grocery stores to save some poor soul of my melt down. Thank you for writing an email.. I wish I was more involved in the fight. I should be, it's taking my mom's life.
  12. I was wondering if any of your loved ones went to a pain management doctor. We just cannot seem to get the pain under control. My mom's cancer has spread to one rib back in April. She started taking fentanol 25mcg(sp?) patch.. In August it got worse and they added Naproxen. When they added Naproxed 250mg they also increased her patch to 75mcg. Last week they put a port in my mom and took her off the Naproxen because it's asprin based. The no good doc didn't prescibe anything in it's place, only telling my mom to take tylenol if that pain got bad. Why would he think that tylenol work work when mom's on that much pain meds?? Anyway, by the time Friday night rolled around she in extreme pain which lasted all weekend. She should not have to be in pain. She was taking oxycodone 3-4pills every 4 hours. They also told her to increase her patch to 150mcg. Now surgery is done and they put her back on her normal pain meds patch, still at 150 and naproxen three times daily and she's still in horrible pain. I'm starting to wonder if the cancer spread to another rib. We thought maybe she should go to a pain mangement specialist, but her doc said that that is normally for cronic pain, not pain caused by cancer. Just looking for some insight. It's bad enough mom has cancer, but I cannot stand to see her in pain.
  13. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Through my mom's illness, you have often giving me helpful and comforting advice. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers!!
  14. bam451

    Navelbine

    Thanks! As we all know it's just so hard. We are trying to make a family decsion and I just don't know. Should she stop and get her strength back and enjoy the time she has left or keep going.. THe Alimpta she took, which was supposed to be easy, really kicked her but! I don't know how people make these decisions... I sure can't figure out what to do.
  15. bam451

    Navelbine

    I posted yesterday (News I've Been Dreading) about my mom and her latest test results. Alimpta is no longer working and we are not sure what to do anymore. Does she stop treatment and hopefully feel better for a little while longer and maybe have a little quality of life or try the last two options (Navelbine or Taxatore(sp?)). These decisions are just so hard to make. She doesn't think she wants to go through losing her hair again. I cannot blame her. But from what I've read, Navelbine isn't too bad. They would have to put a port it they said, but I also read that there was a pill. Anybody take the pill? I guess I'm just curious to hear from people who have been on Navelbine and how they did and any side effects they experianced. Thanks!
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