MomsGirl

WOW!!! I popped back in here after a few years off, and coming across your post made my day! I remember when your dad was first diagnosed. That is truly the best, BEST news ever Jen...congrats to your dad for kicking SCLC's butt!

Sorry for double post, hopefully someone can delete it. Just started reading more posts - Randy still here, Teri (Bill was SO funny and entertaining)...the list goes on and on. Just awesome.

It's been so long since I've been here. So long. I don't know if you guys remember me (Katie, Nick, Val et al) but I started her in 2006 when my mom was sick with SCLC, and ended up in the grieving section with all of you. Nick came on not long after. I'm in awe that so many of the same people are still here, giving sympathy and support every day to those seeking it. You guys are really something special. I ended up here again because I saw a report on lung cancer while I was online - when I clicked on it there you were, Nick! I recognized you right away, it's was so strange to see you "live". Then they flashed that picture of you and your beautiful mom and it was like going back in time. I was also amazed at how big Lungevity has gotten since I started posting here. Amazing. I hope this post finds everyone healthy and living their "new normal" with some happiness and joy. You guys always understood more than anyone what it means to lose someone you love to this disease. The process you go through, the ups and downs. And it IS a process. I think I read on here at some point "You can't go around grief, you have to go through it." As badly as I wanted to go around it...but truer words were never spoken. I just wanted to jump in and say hello to all of you, so dear to me and who helped me through the worst time in my life. And five years later, I still cry. I cried listening to "Rudolph" on the radio the other day - my mom loved Christmas and that album by Gene Autry. She played it for us from Thanksgiving on... My baby that was born right after she passed away (in my Avatar) just turned five years old. He's the same age my oldest one was when we lost their beloved Nana. I don't know where the time has gone. I was so sad to read about ConnieB - I couldn't believe it. What a special lady she was. I have some catching up to do... Again, just wanted to say hello and thank all of you for being there when I needed you. (Uh-oh, I'm crying just writing this!) This is an amazing little community.... PS - My posts were under MomsGirl or Mom's Girl - posted under both.

I cried reading your post. As a mom and a wife I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. I pray that you find some peace in the days ahead, and some release - you will let it go when the time comes, and you will not be able to predict when... Put your arms around your precious son and love him as hard as you can...I know at 15 that may be easier said than done, but don't give him a choice! (((LYNN))))

I'm so sorry your dad had to go into hospice - there is nothing more difficult. You are in my prayers... Regarding him seeing things - my mom had the same issue the last few days. I don't know if it was the tiny brain mets, the morphine, side effects from radiation - but I know how disturbing it can be. She became delusional at times (she was semi-conscious)...one of the good things was her making references (I think) to my unborn son. I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl (I was 6 1/2 months pregnant), and Mom would lay their with her eyes closed and say things like, "Look, he's walking!" and "Oh, there he is, he is such a cute little guy..." I try to keep those memories close in my heart, the bittersweet but priceless ones... Hang in there, and may you find strength and love in the days to come...

Connie, I don't get on here often but I just read your update and I wanted to say how thrilled I am for your mom! Way to go...and Katie's right, we need these inspirational stories. I love to hear about people kicking SCLC's butt! Yahoo!

Teri, I totally get the one year mark reality thing. It's so true... I loved hearing about your dinner turning into a celebration, and the videotaping is brilliant. How wonderful it must have been to hear the shared stories and to laugh and cry over Bill's wonderful-ness...

I so completely understand how you feel - and we just left a seashell at the cemetery today for Nana. Like you, we had a family vacation at the beach (my parents' 50th anniversary) exactly one year before we lost Mom...we had no idea what the upcoming year would bring...it all happened so fast, too fast... Keep those memories alive for your little ones, I know how painful this is, all of it. We are here...

Linda, I'm so very sorry for your family's loss. Nick is right, time will soften those pictures in your mind, though I know it seems like that will never happen...thinking of you and yours tonight...

Lynn, I'm so very sorry...

( ( ( RANDY ) ) )

Dear Mom, I can't believe it's been two years since I last saw you, held you, told you I loved you and told you goodbye. Since I walked out of that hospice center room and left part of my heart and my soul behind. Sometimes it seems like 100 years ago. As I entered year two of this sad journey, I stopped expecting you to walk through the door...stopped picking up the phone to call you...stopped looking for birthday cards in the mailbox...stopped expecting to see your smiling face and to hear you cheering at preschool graduations, soccer and baseball games...I faced the reality that I would never see you again in this lifetime. It was and is a cold reality, and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to think of it without the great stab of pain and regret that hits me every time... I've floated along, trying to find my bearings in a world without my anchor, without the person who knew me best, loved me unconditionally, always lent an ear and a shoulder when I was in the depths of despair or just needed some reassurance and loving advice. I'm redefining who I am, struggling to get through trying times without you in my world. Eternally wondering why your life was taken when you long ago had secured your place in Heaven, and had earned a long, long life. And...I try to experience the same joy I felt with my children when you were in this world...when I was able to share these amazing little creatures with you, knowing the fierce love you felt for them from the minute you saw them enter this world (with tears of happiness rolling down your face). I miss the constant sharing of every little thing they said or did...you knew all of their stories, their little quirks, their fears, their joys. They are so grown now, Mom, such a big difference from being 5 and 3 to now 7 and 5. And though I keep you alive in their minds by talking about you every day, deep down I know they have forgotten. That their memories of you are the stories that Mommy has put in their heads...because they were too young when they lost you, just too young. I compare it to the tragedy of Alzheimer's...because when they DID know you, you were their world, their true love...but now that memory is gone. And little Conor, now almost 21 months old...well, I have to believe he knew you when he was inside me, that between the time you went to Heaven and he was born, in those three months you two were soulmates, right? You took care of him until he was delivered safely to me. How he has missed out, though...not having your love. They all have. I hold them all close and thank God for them every day, you taught me what being a Mom is all about. I went to the cemetery today with my older sister - and my younger sister called me from the lake house. Dad had left for the week to go home, so she walked down the road from her house with your new granddaughter, and together they stood on your dock and threw rose petals into the water. She said the waves washed them up onto the rocks, and that the shore in front of your house was lined with brightly colored petals. She said it was a beautiful. I got tearful imagining it. Even my "crying" songs have changed...it used to be "In the Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McClachlan (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c) and now it's "I Will Remember You" ("http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dHm1el3Sze8&feature=related) These beautiful songs are like markers on the road of this journey - and they reflect my evolving grief...though no less potent, it's just different as time passes. Even today I have withheld my tears until now, until I started writing all this, and now I can barely see though them to finish. So, Mom, I can only pray that you are happy, at peace and with those you love that have passed on before you. And that you are watching over us, sharing our joys and sorrows. As always, I will eternally keep your memory and your love of us alive, and I will strive to be as wonderful of a mother, sister and friend as you were to all who loved you so dearly. I love you, my beautiful Mommy.

Oh, Nick, she is a Gerber baby through and through, what a beauty...

( ( ( TERI ) ) )

I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's input, and everyone's varying viewpoints. That's what I really needed to hear. Sherri, I totally get where you are coming from, and that is what makes this all so painful. Fear that I am going to regret this lost time when he is gone, etc. But I guess this goes so far beyond material things - my dad was a wonderful dad, always...but my parents' marriage was less than great. I don't think he ever saw it that way, and if he did it may have been because my mom wouldn't let him completely control her. He finally got control when my mom begged for a porch on the lake house in her final months, and absolutely refused to discuss it. I.E., she was going to die anyway in his mind, and he couldn't think beyond that one track...also, he finally was able to completely prevent her from doing something she wanted to do. My dad appears to be this mild-mannered, mellow guy - but in reality he was brought up in a household where his mother worshipped the ground his father walked on, very traditional - and although my mother was a complete domestic goddess, she wasn't going to bend completely to the will of a man. She confided in me a few years ago that when she married him she was a bubbly, innocent girl. He was in the military and she moved far from home...and she said he would come home in a foul mood sometimes and not speak to her for days, she was so lonely. It explains so much why my oldest brother was almost an obsession of hers for many years - he was her savior when he came along into her lonely life. It also explains the level of bitterness that was there by the time I came along. My dad also drank a lot (until his later years), and that made her life hard with five kids. So far I've been able to keep the crappy husband thing separate from the wonderful dad thing, and continue to have a relationship with him. But NOW he is trying to do the same thing to us girls he did to my mom, and you know what, it ain't gonna fly. I have too much sadness over the way my mom spent the seven months she was sick (she called their house "The Morgue" because of the way my dad sat there and stared at her like a deer in the headlights - she imagined he had the funeral home on speed dial.) And the porch thing - he was a total jerk about that. So you see, there's so much more water under the bridge and this is about so much more than material things... He is desecrating my mom's memories, which the lake house is a huge part of. If I want a relationship with him it has to be 100% on his terms, and I'm in the process now of deciding if I can live with those terms. Right now I can't... Janet and Shelli, I've heard so many stories like yours. It absolutely gives me chills. Reading your posts broke my heart. I don't know what gets into people's minds, I really don't. We barely saved the family photos from my father-in-law when he remarried - I can't express to you the precious mementos that were thrown the trash, historic pieces of family memorobilia - WWII letters, etc. It hurts to think about it. Again, you guys are the best - I really appreciate getting everyone's take on this, and I hope that I have good news for you someday....

I'm so sorry. My normally upbeat, mentally and emotionally strong mom bottomed out when she got the initial diagnosis from an x-ray, before she was even biopsied. The first thing she asked for was anxiety medication. I was shocked, I always envisioned she would be this pillar of strength, with words of comfort and wisdom, etc, if she ever got sick. It's very hard to see your mom go through this and feel this way. I agree with others - do whatever you can to try to get some meds that will help her mentally. Be there for her, tell her how much you love her, try to arrange things so someone is usually with her - a family member, a friend. I know my mom had a hard time being alone (my dad was always with her, but his sad and downbeat attitude was not helpful, to say the least). We tried to be there as much as possible to keep her propped up at some level. I'm just sorry for you and your mom. I wish I had more advice for you. Hang in there...I'm saying a prayer for her tonight...

Hi Ry, Thanks for what you said about the lake house...it's a family vacation house and it's been in our family since the 1960's when I was a baby. We have tons of extended family up there along the beach... Re selling it - the annoying thing is, a few months ago we all talked about trading off (going when he and his girlfriend aren't there), and he even said "I should just go ahead and sign it over to you girls right now." (My parents owned the house outright, but the annual property taxes are pretty high - a few thousand dollars. We girls would have split those...) He really never had a lot of interest in the house, and his one of his biggest beefs was that spending the summer there preventing him from travelling elsewhere during the warm weather. That's the big irony..he and this new "adventurous" woman have planted themselves...AT THE LAKE. So much for his globehopping dreams. It's frustrating esp. b/c he blamed my mom all those years for their inability to go elsewhere - but the reality is he would never have gotten around to planning a trip if my mom agreed - and she KNEW that - he's a total dreamer. Anyway, a few months later, the announcement was made that he and "B." (his girlfriend) would be spending the summer there, and that he hoped we would have the maturity and grace to join them for a visit. Huh? We don't even know this woman, and he expects to spend our vacation with our kids stuffed into a 900-square-foot beach house with paper thin walls, watching my dad and her toddle off to bed each night? At the place my mom called home? There are so many things wrong with that there's no point in listing them... It probably had to do with the fact that we "cannot accept his current lifestyle", according to him....he wanted to bring this woman to my baby niece's, Christening, which was on Mother's Day and very emotional for all of us. We needed our DAD there, all of him, and this was about honoring our mom's memory too...it never occurred to him how it would make my sister feel. "B" did not attend, suffice to say. We never said we don't approve of her or dating, we only asked that he wait until he is somewhat exclusive with someone before bringing her to family events and having to introduce/explain everything to our kids. He would not admit to being "serious" with her, but still wanted to bring her along to events within a week of when he started seeing her - he was really proud that he had women "chasing him" and that he was a quite a "catch" among the older ladies (his words). I just don't get it... Thanks so much, Katie and Randy, for your posts. I don't know if he will ever feel guilty, I think I am quickly realizing that my dad doesn't have the capability for that emotion. And yes, Katie, maybe someday we will be able to talk about it...after much therapy and only if I decide to take whatever he dishes out...which as you can see is not the current plan... I think what really gets me, and I am filing it away in my brain for when I am older...is that I've seen certain people in their twilight years who adopt the attitude of "I've lived this long, I've earned the right to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and everyone needs to accept that." Well, that's a nice fantasy, but as long as it negatively affects the people around you, you're going to be pretty alone. I don't see why thoughts of accountablity sometimes fade into oblivion when you age...I guess it's facing your mortality, etc...but thinking it and actually doing are two different things...

As I write this, my sister is up at her lake house (down the road from my mom's lake house) sorting through all the stuff that my dad asked her to remove from the back porch, stuff that he "has no personal use for". According to good old Dad, "come get it or it's going to Goodwill." My 18-year-old niece went down to see him and the back porch was full of all the stuff from the attic (canning supplies, appliances), plus some antique dishes from my grandmother (according to my dad, "they're ugly, I have no use for them")...all the stuff from the "kid closet" my mom spent so many years adding to for her grandchildren (crayons, games, paints, books, beach toys, etc.)...all the baby stuff she kept for the littlest visitors or to loan out to others (high chair, portable crib, bouncy seat)...and so much more. He handed my niece a box of all the stuff from the bathroom ("I don't need it") and said to take it to my sister. Not only my mom's stuff (her special scented powder, shampoos, etc...but all the basics she keeps their for her visitors). My niece walked back down that dirt road, holding that box and sobbing. My sister called me last week in tears after she had arrived there...and this is the emotionally strongest sister of the three of us. She choked out what he was doing and of course I burst into tears as well. My dad is doing one of several things. He is a) preparing the house for his girlfriend's friends to come visit (clearing out closets), and also making it "her" house instead of Mom's planning to get it cleared it out so he can sell it, c) letting my mom and us girls know unequivocally that he is boss and owner of that house now. He always resented how much Mom loved it. It was almost like he considered it a romantic rival. I think the answer is a little of each of the above. I think he's too lazy to get around to selling it, I can only pray that is the case and that somehow it does not end up in the hands of his girlfriend. So now, although my dad has an attic the size of the entire lake house to store stuff in, it is now all down in my sister's garage, which houses a boat/jet skis and everything else. They do not have room, so my other sister and I are scrambling to make plans for an 8-hour trek up there to help go through it and split it up, in hopes that some day it will return to the lake house. I have three small children I am home with full-time and a very full schedule and hardworking husband, so finding that time last minute is horrific. Yet I am left with no choice. Every time I start to try to move on, or rationalize things, he puts another knife in my chest. He said to my sister the other day cheerfully, "Well, I guess we just do the old agree-to-disagree thing!" Before she could reply, his girlfriend came outside and they had no more privacy after that. Needless to say, she has been at the lake for 10 days and barely spoken to him. HE SO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE'S FEELINGS OR NEEDS BUT HIS OWN. I must accept that, and I suppose I am going to counseling next week to try to work through it all... I so stupidly and naively thought that my heart could not be broken any further after I lost my mom, in relation to my parents, but here I am at square one. It is excruciating. And on top of it all, I feel like I've let Mom down, 100%. She wanted us to protect these things, to make it all work, to have that lake house in memory of her and all the wonderful years we shared there. I've let her down. I have not spoken to my dad in over a month, and have no plans to in the future. His assessment to my brother-in-law last week, "Yeah, the girls are pissed at me, " in the eye rolling they're-so-dramatic-and-don't-approve-of-me voice. Yet everything he has done is very calculated and timed. He plays the shrugged shouldered old man to the hilt, but underneath it all he is pretty cunning. I wish my brother-in-law had just socked him. Sorry. Thanks for listening, all...

I also can't believe it's been almost a year. Where does the time go? Life keeps marching on... I loved the quote and sent it to my sisters. What a special, introspective man Bill was...truly one of a kind.

Oh, Christine, it really is all too much. I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. And never apologize for saying you hate this disease...we all do. Please check in and let us know how you are doing...

Flo, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Terry. Peace be with you....

( ( ( TERI ) ) ) I wish you warm memories, not too many tears and peace. My two-year anniversary is coming up and I too feel that sense of dread. Thinking of you today...

I too get where you are coming from. A big part of "me" was my mom. She was my rock, my conscience, my confidant on many things, the first person I would pick up the phone and call in a crisis and most importantly, the only person in the world who knew me inside and out, and loved me completely, 100% unconditionally. She knew me before I was even born. I know that's probably not what you were referring to in your post, and I definitely relate to what you said, and what Katie said. I have started to try to do things for "me" lately, and I've started going to the gym, and next weekend I have a girls' dinner/overnight with my college friends. I also am going to a counselor next week - I finally picked up the phone and called her, because I need someone objective to tell me I'm not unreasonable and insane when it comes to my dad and the grief he is bringing back to the surface over losing Mom... We are women without moms, we are moms without moms, we are wives without moms, and in some ways we are that little girl that just wants her mom and that love and validation that comes with it....

Val, I will be thinking of you next Friday and sending a little prayer your way....

Dar, There is nothing harder than going through her things/going to the house, at least that's what I found. Let the tears flow, don't hold them back, you need to grieve when the waves hit you. I'm so sorry...