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MomsGirl

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Everything posted by MomsGirl

  1. MomsGirl

    He is gone

    I am so very sorry....
  2. MomsGirl

    Two Weeks

    Val, I really want to check it out...thanks for the review. Another one that touched me was "The Family Stone". Diane Keaton is awesome as the mom of a big family - actually, everyone in it was good. It's centered around Christmas time at their family home...I watched it around the holidays after I lost Mom...not easy, but I could really relate. I don't want to give too much away, but it relates to many of us and the losses we have endured...
  3. MomsGirl

    Kind of neat

    That was definitely your mom...bless her.
  4. Many, many gentle thoughts and prayers to you...I'm so sorry for your loss....
  5. Patty, I'm so very to sorry to hear of your loss. Many thoughts and prayers to you...
  6. Dar, I so want to say something to comfort you. I agree with so much of what Katie said. Just know that I'm thinking of you and I know how you feel, so much so. You are at such a hard stage of this. I know what you mean about the phone calls - in the beginning, it's just so shocking that you can't pick up the phone and talk to her. I know what a gut-wrenching life change all of this is for you. Hang in there, lean on those that love you, they will be your saving grace... (((DAR)))
  7. To see our parents as grandparents to our children is so precious. I am also crying from reading your post. Hugs to you today....
  8. MomsGirl

    Dreams and such

    Once in a while I dream about my mom. The dreams have changed since I first lost her. At first they were scary, very disturbing...then they turned into her being very far away, like the phone would ring and I would just hear static...then I moved on to dreams where she hugged me and responded to me when I told how much I love her and miss her. Now the dreams always involve her in the background, busily doing her mom things, cooking, gardening, preparing things for our family get togethers. There is never any acknowledgement of her illness, or why she is still here. She never speaks directly to me. I"m always sitting the dream thinking, this is isn't right, it's so wonderful that she's here, but I know this isn't true. With all this awful stuff happening with my dad and moving his girlfriend into our lake house, I guess it finally culminated in my latest dream. I was at the lake, walking down the beach towards our house. I see Mom in the front yard of her beloved house, she's doing her lawn work, and it's not weird. I approach her and we start talking, she's not looking at me and still doing her work, telling me that Dad and that girlfriend of his are off on a trip for a few days and that is why she is here. She's fuming about how wrong Dad was that she is gone, and how dare he move this woman into her house, and that she beat this sickness and came back. Then we commiserate over Dad and fume together. Suddenly, I acknowledge the wierdness and I say, "Mom, I watched you take your last breath, I went to your funeral, you didn't beat this illness" and of course I am crying. She finally looks up at me. I start to hug her really hard, just crying incoherantly, and she says, "No, no, don't be this way, I don't want you to be this way," and I look at her and smile and say, "No, it's okay, I love these dreams because I get to see you and spend time with you. I want them to go on forever." And I hug her again and I can SMELL her perfume and feel the feel of her skin and her hair, it's so real. And then the dream ends. You would think after that dream I would feel like I got a message or feel better or something. Nope. I got in my car this morning, drove to the gym, heard that ridiculously sad and corny "Because You Loved Me" song by Celine Dion and cried my eyes out! I'm madder at my dad than ever. Maybe I had this dream b/c our vacation, NOT at the lake, is approaching. I so long for that peaceful lakefront home and all the treasured memories of Mom it brings, there's no more beautiful place on earth to me. Looking at my mom's beautiful perrenials, feeling the breeze off the lake, hearing the leaves rustling and the bees softly buzzing, the waves lapping the shore. But not with my dad's girlfriend. Not with anyone other than my family...that is what the lake was meant to be. It was my mom's dream for our future. It all just sucks, to be honest...
  9. Thanks you guys, for your support and for sharing your stories. This wasn't an easy decision, but my sisters and I made it together and I can't tell you how much our mutual support for each other means. There was no big announcement to my dad, just an end of communications. Well, I lied...after he sent out the e-mail embarrassing us to the family, two of us responded with e-mails to him (I know, the worst way to communicate, but he doesn't listen when you are face to face), and my other sister called him. She told him that he is putting this lake house, which is doesn't even care about, squarely between him and his beloved daughters. So he got it from three sources - I must confess my e-mail was written when I had hit the wall of anger - it was not pretty. Strangely, I don't regret it! It all had to be said, or I was going to implode. What's most infuriating, is that my dad is not some monstrous acting, unfeeling bear of a man. He on the surface is this very sentimental, loving, innocent old guy. But we have learned, BOY have we learned, that he can play the game and WELL. His M.O. is shrugging the shoulders, playing dumb, pretending like he doesn't get it (which I think is partially true), playing the victim and pointing the finger at everyone else. No accountability whatsover. THAT'S what makes me crazy. Mom put up with a lot of garbage for many years, for the sake of us (but boy was she feisty - she bucked him at every turn and made her own life!)...but it 's so interesting. Without her here to do a little of the shielding, we are starting to go beneath surface and realize what she really put up with all these years. Good lord, I don't know how you stay married to someone who is NEVER wrong, will not have a conversation with you when are angry, wants everything his way or the highway, and then punishes you when you rebel. But all in a very passive/aggressive way. Her sainthood grows every day in my eyes. The saddest part of all of this is my kids. Their Pop-Pop is the only grandparent they have left, and they love him. And he loves them dearly. However, I feel that he has made a clear choice in taking the chance that we would not come up to the lake and stay for a week with another woman in 900-square foot cabin with paper walls...that's about the opposite of a vacation to me. We called his bluff and I guess he's okay with that, so I need to have no regrets. Lilyjohn, I continue to ask myself that if my dad gets sick, etc. - would I have regrets about this time lost with him. And you know what...no. He's not the man I thought he was, he's not someone I can respect right now (or maybe ever again). However, I know where you are coming from, and who's to say that one day he will see the light. This isn't as much about his betrayal of my mom as it is his inability to empathize and see our point of view. His refusal to believe it's okay if we are not as far along in this process as he is, and he takes it as a personal attack on him. I've just reached my limit, and I had to draw a line in the sand. Having said that, part of the stress of all this is that it made losing my mom feel like yesterday. It opened up that old wound and it was like she died yesterday. And the thoughts that we are letting our mom down. Possibly pushing our dad to the point where he will sell the lake house or leave it to his girlfriend. That would be soul-destroying. But my sisters and I discussed all that, and we figured it was worth it to have our sanity. My mom would utterly apalled at my dad and devastated at the circumstances. I have to chuckle at his fear should she appear in front of him one night and let him have it with both barrels. She was a pistol, God bless her. I miss her so....
  10. It's been quite a while since I posted...I just haven't had the heart to even put into words what's been happening. It's just all kind of ugly and sad, to be honest. I've finally reached a place where I have a little peace and can live my life and take care of my family without being at peak emotional stress. I finally realized that sometimes for your own mental and emotional well-being, you are better off without someone, whether temporary or long-term.... I had a few long posts about my dad and his new girlfriend, and how my sisters and I were so distraught over the thought he would move her into my mom's lake house for the summer. My dad never really liked the lake house, he went for the summer with my mom after he retired and made nice with all the relatives there, but he was always jealous of my mom's connections up there and her love for her home, quite frankly. But when as my mom was gone it became "his lake property" and he was anxious to bring someone else up there (of the female persuasion). We never asked anything of my dad, we let the fact that he wasn't especially nice to my mom at the end of her life go, because we wanted a relationship with him...but we did ask that he not move someone else in to the lake house for the summer. The lake house is the very essence of my mom's spirit, her true love in life other than her family. My dad and the person he's dating have five properties between the two of them, one of them in Florida. And supposedly they love to travel and be on the road (something he complained my mom wouldn't do b/c of the lake house). However...after accusing us of not accepting his new relationship, my dad went around to each of us girls at a family event and announced that he and his girlfriend would be spending the entire summer at the lake, and that he hoped to see us there. A lot of people looking at this from the outside think, it's your dad's life, you shouldn't tell him what to do, etc...but there is so much more water under the bridge than that. So much more. So much history leading up to this, most of it involving my mom. Dad kept pushing the boundary and we were kind of moving with it, but then he sent an e-mail to my sisters and me and included our whole extended family that was just completely inappropriate, having to do with this situation. That was the last straw. So, for the first time in 40+ years, I will not be going to our precious lake house. And my dad didn't receive a Father's Day card from his daughters. Or a phone call. And you know what, it's not about teaching him a lesson, it's about just not even having that feeling there. Not being a hypocrite. I'm just drained, emotionally and physically. I ended up in the ER a few weeks ago because of stress. I have a benign heart condition and it went into overdrive over this whole situation. It was at that point that I thought no more. I need to put myself and the rest of my family first. So it is, for now it is a sad situation. But I am at peace...the pain and stress of dealing with my dad and his inability to empathize with anyone, his complete lack of regard for anyone's feelings but his own...it was all too much. But I have my sisters, and they are my lifeline. Maybe at some point my dad will come around, but for now I am done....
  11. Carrie, I'm so, so sorry that you lost your mom. I know exactly what you are going through and where you are in all this...it's just so unfair. And yes, your laughing on the outside and going about your life, and everyone thinks you are, or should be, "back to normal". I can honestly say that the people on this board SO get all that. It's the only place I've found where people really get it... Nick said it all...there is a new normal that comes about with time. It's so hard to explain, I don't want to be a hypocrite and say that I'm better, because in many ways I'm not. I guess what I"m saying is that old adage of "You can't go around grief, you have to go through it". Wouldn't it be nice if that weren't true... Again, I'm just sorry to hear of your loss. Our moms are our moms, and that's all there is to it....
  12. MomsGirl

    losing a pet

    Maryanne, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It is one of the hardest things to go through. I am crying my eyes out after reading your posts. Twice I accompanied my mom to the vet when we put down our family dogs, 13 years apart. I also had a beloved and spirited bunny, Jake, who was crippled - my husband and I did everything we could medically and then we knew it just wasn't fair to let him go on that way. Leaving the vet's office was one of three times I ever saw my husband cry (the other two were when he lost his parents). It sounds like you gave your kitty a wonderful life, and she was so well loved by all. And I think our pets know, they know that we are doing this because we love them and we don't want them to suffer. You had asked how to cope with it... I agree with others - I truly believe that getting another pet really helps the healing process. That is something my mom always did, thinking she wouldn't, of course...and it really did help. Hang in there, thinking of you tonight...
  13. Karla, I am so very sorry....
  14. Your mom fought so hard and with such spirit - she was and is an inspiration. I could always tell from her picture she had a sparkle in her eye - and you look exactly like her and have that same sparkle. I agree with Judy, I could not ask for more from my daughter than what you did for your precious mom in the last few hours of her life. I am so very sorry, I truly feel your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight... (((DAR)))
  15. MomsGirl

    You know...

    Amen, sister. ((((VAL)))))
  16. MomsGirl

    Letting Go

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mom sounds like an extraordinary person. (((CARRIE)))
  17. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. What an unbelievable story...it makes my blood boil too. I know right at about a month after my mom's passing, when the shock started to wear off, I got REALLY angry at the oncologists. In my opinion they botched a lot of things in the few days before my mom went into hospice (when the onc. FINALLY showed up TWO days after my mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital, he tried to talk to her like a normal person, he had no clue what was going on...I had to let him know that she was basically incoherent, drooling and in total pain, and had completely detiorated in those two days.) I can't tell you how many times I sat down in the year my following my mom's passing to write a scathing letter to him, telling him how my sister has nightmares of the second night in the hospital of my mom completely delusional and screaming all night long for him by NAME to help her. About how I feel like he didn't bother with her for two days b/c she was a lost cause. I blamed myself for not calling him over and over until he came to see her. I KNOW your pain and your burning anger, but I want you to know that it will ease, it will. But it will take time...lots of time. I can tell you that I weighed so many times...is it worth it? Is it worth going back to the hospital, the onc., etc.? Will it get me anywhere, or will it just cause me more pain? And if I'd taken action when my mom was in the hospital - would it really have been worth it...or would it have prolonged her pain? Such difficult, highly emotional questions. So hard to answer. Again, I just want you to know that where you are and what your feeling is so normal, especially when this is all so recent, and you did EVERYTHING you could to help your sister...just being there with her and holding her hand and loving her, that's the thing we want most at the end of our lives, I think. I hope that someday you will have some peace over this... Sending you thoughts and prayers tonight...
  18. MomsGirl

    My mom is gone

    Robbi, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom. Nothing ever really prepares you for something like that...you are in my thoughts and prayers... (((ROBBI)))
  19. I'm still in shock just reading your timeline. How awful for you and your husband. Katie illustrated just what I imagine it to feel like...and I'm so sorry. Maybe in some strange way, you and your husband can bond over this and hold each other up. I know what it's like watching a spouse go through this (my husband was a mommy's boy too), and going through it myself...but certainly not in this time frame. Please accept my deepest condolences for you losses...may you find small moments of peace and comfort from those around you in the days ahead...and you can always come back here to vent or cry or scream. HUGS...
  20. MomsGirl

    "Gone?"

    Oh God, how I want to believe this. Thank you so much for sharing, you lifted me up today...
  21. Faith...I can't seem to stop crying after reading your posts. I am so, so sorry about the loss of your beloved sister. I have two sisters of my own that I am very close to...this just breaks my heart. And as a 41-year-old mom of three little ones, it hurts me even more deeply. She was too young, just too young. It sounds like you are a wonderful sister and aunt, though, and her kids are so lucky to have you to keep your sister's memory alive and give them a sense of her, both emotionally and physically. I think a journal is a wonderful idea.... I am sending out a huge hug and many, many warm thoughts and prayers to you...I'm just so sorry... (((Faith))))
  22. MomsGirl

    Disconnected

    Leslie, It makes 100% sense to me. And I know the feeling of, if I'm so calm now, this must mean I'm leading to a total breakdown very soon. For me, it came in chunks, like pieces of ice breaking off of an iceberg. The breakdowns would come, but they didn't last for as long as I thought they would based on how calm I was beforehand. It's amazing how our bodies respond to this grief process...it's like our brains go into self-defense mode. I am thinking of you today and sending prayers...I know how hard it is to get through this. Be kind to yourself, you are very early in this long process... (((Leslie))))
  23. Melinda, Yes. All so true. The unconditional love and support, the cursing of anyone who dared to wrong her daughter , whether real or percieved, just having that one person in the world that you know would love you no matter what you did... I hope that tomorrow brings a brighter day and that your mom shines down on you with love and stength... (((Melinda)))
  24. (((Kelly)))) Your post hit a nerve, for sure...I SO know what you mean about all of these things going on, whether day to day or an event, and she's not there to share in it. I watched my son practicing for Little League last weekend and the sight of him in that little batting helmet with a big smile on his face...she never got to see him play. Yesterday as I held my 16-month-old son in front of the fridge and we looked at all the family photos (our routine), he reached out and put his finger right on a photo of my mom holding my daughter and said for the first time "NI-na" (Nana) and then stroked it gently and said "Nah.." (Nice...) To see him respond to her like that, although they have never met...I just said softly, "Yeah, Conor, Nana was VERY nice..." and then found I couldn't say more or I would have been useless the rest of the day. They would have worshipped each other...I can't believe he is missing out on her. Your description of the little things piling up was so right on the mark. Every day there are a few things that I wish she could see, or moments that I wish I could share, or times when I just want to be with her. Sending you hugs and strength today and always...
  25. Kelly, What an uplifting post, and a wonderful way to think of your mom. I am so glad you found a little peace today. I imagine my mom up there putting together baskets for all the little ones, complete with a Beanie Babies and lots of chocolate. Oh, yeah, and she would be organizing an easter egg hunt. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time of it lately, it's so unpredictable these days. And I agree with you about Lent...but then we hit Easter, which is a time of such great rejoicing. Many blessings to you and yours today...
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