teriw

I'm feeling VERY grateful for everyone in my life at the moment. Realizing with a new sense of urgency that we never know what's around the corner, so love and appreciate those around you now.

(((((Lily))))) I'm so sorry to read of what you both went through. It's awful and inexcusable. I can relate some to the problems with the drugs and the doctors. Morphine was toxic to Bill also. His doctors didn't believe me. Eventually, the nurses in the hospital did. The first incident led to his hospital stay. The second incident led to him dying in the hospital (rather than at home) when he did. (He didn't want to take it again, but we were told he needed to take it in order to go home, because of pain management.) He also didn't receive the treatment he should have for medical issues that severely affected his quality of life and ability to remain hopeful. To be blunt, it was like his doctor was angry that we admitted him to the hospital for treatment when he should have been at home dying quietly. I still don't get it and it was hard to forgive. At first I couldn't get those images out of my head. They ate away at me day and night. Now they've faded a bit. If I think hard on them, I get very upset. In hindsight and considering all things, I believe God took Bill at the time that was best for him. I do know that forgiveness is for our sake, and it isn't the same as saying it was okay -- clearly, it wasn't. Perhaps you talking about it is the first step. Hugs,

Hi Carleen, I read your post yesterday, but just didn't know how to respond. I read it again today, and before I ever read any replies, I thought "maybe this mutual friend is your sign." It seems I'm not the only one who thought that. I've always believed that for myself, the roughest time will come when all the "business" and atypical things are over, and I'm starting to just "live" this new life. I wonder if that's part of what you're going through. I'm so blessed to have a wonderful "mentor" of sorts, who I've talked about before. It's been over 20 years since she lost her husband. She said a couple things that might hit a cord with you. One, is that when it was about two years after her husband passed, she was suddenly hit with the reality. It was unexpected and threw her for a loop. But that once she recovered from it, life changed and started to look up. Second, in her words, "you'll know a new relationship is from God when everything is completely at ease and comfortable with the other person, you talk about your husband freely, there is no need to "put things away," etc. Basically, you're allowed to be who you are." It sounds like your friendship might be like this. Lastly, I understand your fear of what other people think. I feel like that when I just have a good day -- that somehow it comes across as me missing Bill less. Of course nothing could be further from the truth. I think you have to trust that those people who really know and love you already know the truth. Hugs -- hope you come back more often.

Hi, I'm Teri (44 yrs). I lost my precious husband Bill this past July, one day before his 55th birthday. He participated on the board for a time under the screen name BWARE21. I live in the Los Angeles area (Woodland Hills to be precise) with my great dane, Mrs. Dickens. I have my niece, nephew-in-law and great niece and nephew just minutes away. My parents are a couple hours away in San Diego County. I'm very close with Bill's children and family, who live in England and Spain. I'm a writer and a photographer, although the photography has taken a backseat lately. Bill was my biggest cheerleader and I plan to make him proud. I just participated in my first Lung Cancer fundraising walk for LUNGevity and plan to continue in the fundraising effort to help those currently in the fight, and those who will be in the future. This board has been a tremendous help, both when seeking support and information, and now in walking on my new path.

Sloan, I'm so sorry for what you're going through and that your family is in a position to have to make decisions as you are. You're clearly all doing your best for her. Hugs,

Connie, Thinking of you and your hubby...keep up your amazing spirit.

Ellie, Thinking of you at this difficult time. Praying that your sadness will be sprinkled with beautiful memories. ((((Ellie))))

Hi Shirley, I'm so sorry for what you're feeling right now. It's all still very, very new and raw, as you said. The feeling of things just being "wrong" without him. I so understand that feeling. It's like a law of nature is being broken, every minute of every day. It's 19 weeks today since I lost my Bill. In many ways, it still doesn't seem real. Other than things I absolutely had to do, I didn't really address any of the business paperwork until now. Even now, I'm slowly doing one thing at a time. For most things, there is no rush. Do it when you can and when you feel up to it. I'm finding that although I'm addressing things in a manner that has absolutely no rhyme or reason, they are getting done -- albeit slowly. But I'm realizing that that's okay. I too get great comfort from my dog. She was our angel, and now she's mine! Be gentle on yourself. Look for things that make you smile. Spend time with people who love you and "get" you. Go through your grief process your way, not how someone else says you should. Thinking of you (and Ry) tonight...

Hi Sarah, I know how frightening it is when you first get a diagnosis. Sometimes the doctors involved make everything worse by their doom and gloom attitudes. There are people here who have done wonderfully on treatment and have beaten the odds. True miracles. Find those stories and share them with your mom. She needs to know there is hope. Also, there is a wealth of knowledge here -- the best kind, the kind that comes from experience, so you can almost always expect an answer to any questions that come up. Please come here for both support and information. The panic will subside and you will be a wonderful support and help for your mom. It will be difficult, but you'll do it. I can tell that because you came here to look for help.

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through, and I understand why you feel like you're grieving -- you are. You're grieving what life was like when your mom was healthy, you're grieving for her loss of quality of life, etc. That's so understandable. Dehydration can cause so many problems -- I hope and pray that the hospital stay will give your mom some much needed fluids, and make her feel better. Be sure that they check her mouth for thrush infection. That can cause a lot of pain and make everything taste horrible. Hang in there,

Praying for your mom and your family...

The holidays are here...oy This Thanksgiving was also my birthday. For me, it was the first major holiday and first birthday without my Bill. We had all these plans. I know you all did too. It sucks to know they won't be. "It sucks" is such an understatement. I go back and forth between wanting to "do" some of our plans still, and wanting to do anything but those plans. At first I thought I'd escape somewhere. But how do you escape from grief? (It's always so much better in theory -- so "Hollywood.") I thought better of it (as I have for Christmas), and decided to be with my family. Good decision. My parents are awesome. They planned all these things. We went to a play (The Producers) and saw the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit. We spent time with family (my wonderful niece and her hubby and kiddies, and my brother, who drove forever for a short visit, and our insane canines). They kept me busy. They showed me love. We honored Bill -- my mom saved his place at the table and put out two framed pictures of him -- one serious, one funny. He was with us as much as he could be. We missed him ever so much. He made us laugh. He made everything special and fun and memorable. The void was enormous. We did our best to fill it for each other. What more can you ask? We're all missing our loved ones through the holidays. I got home tonight and the second thing I did was turn on my computer and come here. Needed to check on my lcsc family. I'm thankful for you all. With love,

Lillian -- Not sure what to say, except that I'm listening and I hear you. Hugs and love,

Nick, You already know this -- it's them, not you. I feel awful, but I find myself saying that all of the time. "I hate people" (okay, that's a bit much), "people are SO stupid," "everyone is an idiot." I'm just glad to know it's not just me... But seriously, some of those things are truly crass, insensitive and completely unnecessary. Good for you for raising your voice...how else do people know? I started a new grief group with people I don't know. We were supposed to say how our husbands died. I said "cancer," because I was so afraid of being asked the "smoking" question and thinking I wouldn't handle it. As it turned out, they asked for more info and no one asked "the" question. How sad that we even have to think about that. I don't know what it is, but I guess we need to rise above it and try to remember all the dumb things we've said in our past. But...don't stop raising your voice! Hugs,

(((Grace))) Grace, You are strong because you can find the light within the darkness. You can be honest about the struggles of life, but have a "but" that puts a smile on your face. Bless you. HUGE congratulations on going the law school. That's amazing and wonderful. You're an inspriation. Carlton IS so proud of you!

I'm grateful for my family, who got me through my first birthday and Thanksgiving (same day) without Bill. The void was huge, but we helped fill it for each other.

Katie and Rick -- I sincerely can't imagine having gone through the journey of Bill's illness, and this journey of my loss without the people here. God Bless you both. Maryanne, thank you for always being such a support here and for reminding us of what we have. Much love to all,

Hi Julia, I wish I saw your post sooner -- not that I have any great words of wisdom, but just to offer my support before the Thanksgiving holiday. First off, I just want to say that I KNOW you are an amazing woman already (before "meeting" you here). I know that because of what Aaron has written about you and your relationship. There are always those people who touch your heart, and Aaron is one of those people to me (and was to my husband, Bill). Aaron and Bill were different ages, but in many ways of the same mind. I can understand being on your own too. I dealt with most everything on my own as well, up until Bill's last few weeks when his family came. Mostly because his family lives out of the country, and because Bill didn't really want anyone helping in any intimate way, to be honest. I was the one he trusted and felt comfortable with. He was happy having other people play supporting roles (so long as they let him help back in whatever way he could). There were times I felt completely overwhelmed with it all, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and every other way. Based on some of Aaron's posts, I have a feeling you are the one he puts his trust in above anyone else. That's a huge privilege, and frightening as well. If you're anything like me, you might feel inadequate to handle it all. Please realize that most of us feel that way. As far as advice, I think you've gotten some great practical advice. If his family is close and you need more from them, definitely ask for what you need in no uncertain terms. Also, I think that Aaron is being treated at a major hospital. I think they would have some type of palliative care options that you could discuss. Perhaps there is a nurse in his doctor's office that would take some time to talk to you about what options you might have. If you ever need to "talk," please PM me anytime. Thinking of you and keeping you and Aaron in my prayers,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

Barb, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Come here for support when you need to -- there's always someone here. Hugs,

Today I participated in my first (definitely not my last) Los Angeles Lung Cancer Walk. It was great. I had my parents and two former workmates walking with me. Two of my team members (a mother/young daughter team) couldn't make it due to an injury. Many, many other people supported us with well wishes and financial donations. Although my personal page doesn't reflect it, I made my target (a couple people sent checks, so it doesn't show)! I loved feeling part of a bigger group. The only things missing were my lcsc friends, and a few other friends and family members that couldn't make the walk. I was thinking how amazing it would be to do something like that with all of you. Seeing all of the team names and the tribute badges and signs was both inspirational and heartbreaking. The spirit of the event was uplifting, even in the dense morning fog. Almost everyone wore their LC Walk t-shirts, making us a giant blur of white walking along the beach! I saw one woman's sign that showed she had lost her husband in 1999 -- I thought, how great that she's coming out here after so many years, and hope I'm doing the same. But when I came home, the energy level dropped dramatically. The house seemed quieter and emptier than ever. The void larger than ever. Even my sweet dog seems unusually subdued. I wouldn't call it depression -- just another reality check I guess. Once again, "I can't believe I'm walking in a lung cancer walk -- and more than that, that I'm doing it because I've lost Bill to the disease. WHAT???? It can't be real." But, as so many of you know too well, it is very real indeed. I remember telling Bill about the L.C. Walk last year. We were both going to participate this year. I know it was a great thing to do. I know he was cheering us on. BUT HE WAS SO SEVERELY ABSENT. Ups and downs. I have a feeling they'll be around for a looooong time...

Nova, thank you for passing this on. LIZ -- I'M PRAYING FOR YOU AND THINKING OF YOU. You are an amazing woman with an unstoppable spirit -- an inspiration. Much love,

Thinking of you, Connie. Keep that amazing attitude of yours.

You'll be just fine tomorrow, Leslie. And the day will be over before you know it. And you'll say, "I did it, and I can do it again tomorrow." Hugs,

Lily, Your stories are wonderful gifts -- sad, joyful, but most of all so very true. Real life. That's at least the second time recently you've shared about facing a difficult personal day by giving to other people. You're an inspiration. God bless,