I'm sitting here bawling trying to figure out the best way to get my thoughts out...
It's strange, because some days i'm totally okay, then a day like today comes around and I realize I am barely hanging on.
Back in November, when mom was diagnosed, I was a wreck. Just getting through the days was a challenge. I creid nearly every day, and was barely doing the necessities to keep my job and family running.
Thanksgiving and Christmas were really tough, but come January things subsided. I was able to get through the days better and got caught up in the process of mom's treatment and just life in general. I really thought I was okay. Until I got up this morning...
For some reason today is really bothering me. Although i am so thankful to still have my mom here. I miss her. I guess that sounds wierd, but I miss "her" from last summer, before cancer. I miss calling her and talking about just regular everyday things. I miss hearing about her trips to the slot machines with my grandmother, the kids at her school. Things that arent cancer related. Now we talk about medicines, chemotherapy, dr appts. Its not the same. Theres this uneasiness between us because it's all about cancer now, and i know she hates it, I do too, but we seem to have nothing else to talk about.
I feel awful. I know so many have lost their moms, and here I am complaining when I still have my mom. I'm not really meaning or wanting to complain. I'm just so lonely and scared. I feel so unsure of my life at this point. I hate cancer. I hate that we are a different family than we were the day before we knew about LC. I hate that I cant save her. I feel so selfish even thinking of myself when what she is going through must be a million times worse.
I know tomorrow will be better, i'm just not okay today.
Sorry for rambling, thanks for listening.
-Danielle