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lionking

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  1. do you ever just tell yourself to get it together and then wonder what the heck that means anyway? sometimes i feel i am so close i can almost feel it and then something else throws everything way off. today it was family, as usual. my brother to be exact. he threw my house into chaos because he had too much to drink last night, i got 4 voicemails this afternoon yelling at me after he had been here for dinner and a card games(s). got home from work to hear them, when he called the house was sound asleep. i feel like 1 step forward, 1 step back. i shouldnt, i guess. i can only control me, not everyone else, though i would like to at least influence in my better moments. funny thing is, feelings were hurt, people are angry, and he may not ever remember it at all. anyone ever listen or watch The Secret? I have been pretty comforted by listening to it lately. i have seen the dvd but wasnt so much affected, the audio is hitting me though. any thoughts anyone?
  2. Easier said than done but enjoy the moment as best you can. i spent a lot of time stressing about my mom and dad and waiting and watching for something i didnt have any control over at the end of the day. if i could, i would have seized more moments to just enjoy them, instead of worrying endlessly. Tomorrow isnt promised to any one of us. Dont let lc take away the joy of today!
  3. my mom will make her wonderul mac & potatoe salad and bring a cassette of her brother playing "wildwood rose" on his guitar. she will not be the most outgoing person but very beautiful and shy and just watch and notice. If any children are there, they will be next to her, especially the little ones. she will tell anyone about me and my brothers and sisters and her grandchildren who she raised and she is very proud. then she will play 'the circle' and all will nod and understand. She is the caretaker of all, my tougher than nails beautiful mom. my dad will make his pasta cooked to al dente and than left to sit in the water, and he too will draw the kids, and the ladies, and the mean and talk about me, his daugther. he always referred to me as 'my daughter' he is the show stopper because he was always just gorgeous. better looking than elvis by far and way way tougher, not to mention his IQ. he is so so smart, with both legs, kidneys in top form. my tougher than nails hero, my dad.
  4. I am available as a buddy. See my profile for details. I think reaching out to others, and others reaching out will help us all through this heartbreaking time. I just have this feeling that as much as I feel I need help to get through, I need to do the same for another, in that way helping myself. My parents were both all about being selfless and I aspire to be like them. I am 40, 2 kids, 2 dogs, and a cat.
  5. First i want to say thank you all so much for your words....they do help, especially that you all 'get it'. i feel really bad that i am not ok. things just seem so bleak right now...i have alot to be grateful for, i have the best ex husband, the best 9 year old and the best 21 year old. i try hard to remember that! And i do know it totally! but even though my conscious brain knows all this i am still so so heartbroken. i think often (every day) how tough my parents were...i just shake my head at it, about how i would talkt to them and try and cheer them on, try to infuse my strength (i used to have alot) into them to not give up. my beautiful mom was so scared of all the treatments, my hero dad went through hell for many years with type 1 diabetes. not once did they give up. i remember with my mom i almost couldnt wait for something to give, i was just so petrified. then my mom died and i was scared to be with my dad cause i was scared something would happen to him. i feel like i let them down in the time of their lives when they needed me most. even though i dont think either of them knew what i was feeling...i dealth with everything head on, was there all of the time for both of them, talked to their doctors and even worse, advised them both on treatments. i made decisons for them, i just pray pray pray that they were the right ones. i will never know, but i still wonder. on top of everything, there is my dads estate to deal with. i took care of things for both of them, i refuse to back down on taking care of my mom and dads final things. my dad had some money so suddenly there is some distrust of me, who was good enough to do everything else. boy, that just *** me off. like i could steal from the rest of my brothers and sisters, even if i would. wow. sometimes i feel like just saying screw it, but i know my dad counted on me. i am so close to it though, but dont want to let him down. all over the almighty friggin dollar, which to me is not even the point! i called the pastor of my past church today, he is going to call me tomorrow. i think i am at the point where i need something outside. i really dont have any friends, like alot of people on here, friends dont like it too much when you are sad, depressed, and cant be the 'old you'. i am not the old me anymore. i would love to be, but i am sad, dammit, and i cant help it.
  6. my mom, my best friend passed on jan 10, 2007. my dad, my champion and hero on sept 11, 2007. i am simply heart broken and cant seem to shake it. i get up, go to work, somehow get through every day. i drink too much, sleep too much, often eat too much too. i dont remember my mom and dad having such a tough time whem their parents died......i was caregiver for both of them. i still cannot believe it. i woke up b/c i heard what i thought was my dad walking....my dad had both legs amputated. am i going crazy? sometimes i can feel my mom around me, i am not really a believer in that stuff but i do feel her. i am just lost right now....the 2 of them gone, in the same year. wow they were both so tough. i miss them both terribly!
  7. remembering with so much love: Ethelena, my beautiful mom Benny Ray, my dear brillant dad Kathleen, my aunt David, my uncle
  8. lionking

    Dreams

    i had a dream that my mom and i were at the bronx zoo.
  9. hi my mom was from there. beauiful! i would be so glad to share. miss my mom so much! feel free to write back, please!
  10. lionking

    Go Rest High...

    Missy, take time for it to sink it...it took me a while. be gentle with your self. heather
  11. im sorry, but my best memory is bittersweet, it is of the most loving, wonderful grin my mom would give me, with the love just shining out of her eyes...it feels like yesterday or forever.... i always think of that, cant help it
  12. maybe that is what i missing...everyone else seems in so much pain or so far removed that i cant bring myself to share my own....and busy with their own lives too....i kinda feel like i am left here with my 2 kids who are hurting just every bit as much as i am...i tried to talk to my 8 year old today, i could not with out crying...i tried so hard too! my mom lived with me and the kids, she raised them both really ....especially my 8 year old i am worried about, she doesnt have the words i do, or my 20 year old does, not that he ever says anything though....he just plays his video games and waits to go off to college again. i cant talk to either of them without crying myself, so i avoid talking about it. today i asked my 8 yr old how she was doing and she told me how it is not getting better, she cries almost every day at school or on the bus. she is heartbroken. i told her every day that i am sad, but some days i feel angry too, i dont even know who i am angry with. she said that God knew that she needed her nanny more than he did, so why did he take her away? I told her that God maybe needed nanny more, but we didnt know it. She said no way, I need her. I told her all the 'we still have her in our hearts, in our memories' thing. It did not fly with her do we need grief counseling????
  13. can anyone say when??? if i have a time line to shoot for, maybe it will help just a little bit....i know that is not realistic but i feel like if i have a little hope that someday....do you know what i mean? im sorry, so sorry i am such a wreck when i desire to be anything but! i am always been the tough one, after my dad. this really sucks...if i could just know for sure, see my mom in my dream i wait for every night.....maybe it would be worse and she knows that....maybe she is waiting for me to be ok so she can come to me????? i just feel like im waiting, and waiting- im so so sad, im also angry as of last night, for things i didnt do, didnt say...has anyone been the the letters to heaven site? except there is never a reply...i need a reply, mom! my mom, she was my true champion, no matter what! i will probably never experience that again - she so loved my children too! i just wish for one more moment, sometimes i try to close my eyes and imagine it, even though she is not here. mom, please....i know she can feel my heartbreak, i KNOW IT!. i mever, never thought it would be so so so hard! it doesnt even seem real...i wonder did it happen like i remember? did it even really happen! i remember how cold she felt, and how still.....the way her feet looked, how the doctor explained it...why did i look at her feet???? i almost wish i didnt, why did i anyway? i kinda wished it was over, even, i was so tired, i had given up hope, based on what the doctors had said. what do they know any way, not as much as they think and not nearly - how could my beautiful mom be a pile of ashes in a plastic box????????
  14. I have never felt pain like this, i just dont know what to do with it, dont know where to put it. i think i need to move out of this house, where my mom lived with us, me and the kids....i just want to run away from here....i want the dream i wait for every night!
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