tjrasMOM

Hellos go out to everyone......
I have been following, but have not posted in a while. I feel bad that I always seem to post when things are bad.
Well, some of you will remember that mom went to Germany to see her family this summer......and she has declined exponentially since then. The wheres, whos, whys, don't seem important any more. I have vascillated between anger(very severe and debillitating anger) to the same level of grief since she has come home. Gosh, I ask myself, what could have been done differently?????????? I do honestly believe that it was the trip that ultimately will lead to her death, and the anger I feel towards her sister and brother for not coming here is palpable. In some sense, I do blame them-and I know I sound like a bitter, selfish bit$%$^& for it. I am also very angry at her drs. Can't help it, I just am. I asked for a slew of non-invasive tests to be done at the end of August-she seemed to decline too fast- and no one would do them. Then to find out 10 days ago, that I was right and maybe if they had done these tests 6 weeks ago when I asked them to, we wouldn't be in this situation now. How do you stop feeling so bitter??? The dr. told me my mom has 2 weeks to 2-3 months left. She has been suffering for the last 2weeks, I have realistically let go...but she wants to fight. So, I still fight, torn b/c I have never kept anything from her on this journey, but now I have to-to keep her hope alive. She is not ready.
Tomorrow, they have set up a bronchoscope test to see if there is any obstruction. Only after this test will the dr. tell her if there is any reason to fight.
Sorry for spilling this-I am so torn with so many emotions, and unfortunately they are very conflicting. A sense of calm has come over me-I have seen her suffer too much already, I am ready to let her go, so that she doesnt suffer. She wants to go through testing to see "If my daughter's research is proven right or wrong" she told the dr.. Klls me to know that she is suffering because she thinks I could be right on a long shot.
So-I must end my tirade, even tho' I could go on. Has anyone been in these shoes? How to deal with this? How do I explain it to my young children who grew up with her in there lives 7 days a week?
I wish, that as I do with my kids when they are hurting, I wish that I could hold her until the pain goes away, and that she is okay again. But I can't make this ok anymore..... How does one do this?