I hesitate to write, although I feel as if I know you. I know that each of you feel what I feel, hurt like I hurt, and know that time will ease this experience. I wrote several months ago thanking you for the support I received one night, as I was trying to digest the gravity of what "lung cancer" and my father meant. He passed away in November, days before my daughter's 4th birthday, and only 6 weeks after dx.
Who would have thought that 3 1/2 months later, I would be returning to the same grief-stricken, unbelievable place. My mother-in-law knowingly refused treatment for COPD for several years (we didn't know she knew that she had COPD...my father had it, then he found out about the cancer). She went into the hospital March 2, 2008 with shortness of breath, celebrated her 72 birthday on March 4, had 900cc of fluid drained from her right lung (which, after the fact, we found out was full of blood) and passed away on March 7. You're supposed to go to the hospital and return home. You're not supposed to shock everyone (doctors included) and check out on your own.
I loved her as if she were my own mother. Finding the place to release what I feel is difficult. Yet, I know that each of you understand. While most people have the advantage of dealing with one parent's death, I guess The Big Guy thought I needed to help out with another. The grief on my husband's face is unreal. He is definitely a "mama's boy" and loved her beyond words. I feel like I am strong enough to handle whatever it is that life throws at me. I can handle this, right up there with the strongest of women. Yet, it hurts. It hurts BAD. And I find myself writing to you here. The only place I know where people truly GET IT. Do I really have the right to ask for support here? Do I have the right to hurt so bad inside, yet not let anyone see it? I feel as if I should be stronger than everyone else, simply because I've been through it with my dad. But, I'M NOT DONE WITH HIM YET!! It will be fine. I will be fine. We will all be fine. I know that.
I hope each of you are finding peace in some of the little things that come to mind. That's what's helping me. Thanks...thanks for listening.