babyspicy

I'm having such a hard time with Aaron's clothes and belongings. So much so that I've started wearing his socks! I don't know what it is, but I feel closer to him when I wear one of his t-shirts to bed, and even though he wore a size 13, and I wear a size 6, I still wear his socks. No one will ever notice. I actually like wearing his socks as crazy as it sounds. Aaron's books,records, and art work will always surround me, but when do we move past needing the presence of clothes and shoes? Aaron actually had a larger shoe collection than I did! I feel like it's so much a part of him, and I'm afraid to move on from any of his belongings, it's too painful. I feel like I won't ever get those pieces back from him. I know I probably sound crazy, but I still sleep one my side of the bed as if I still need to make room for him. Sometimes I put pillows on his side of the bed to fool me in to thinking that he's there when I fall asleep - not that I'm sleeping much at all, it just makes me feel better. I'm also wearing his wedding ring around my neck, it makes me feel closer to him. I do have shirts that still smell like Aaron, and I sleep with those as well.

This is the first time I've posted since Aaron passed away. It's very comforting knowing that there are others going through the same thing. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Things have been really rough for me. I feel incredibly alone every time I come home. Everything reminds me of Aaron. I keep thinking I see him walking around the city. I'm unsure what to do with his clothes, shoes, etc. It hurts so much to even look at some of his things. I'm looking for a grief workshop to attend here in the city, hopefully that will help. I have to know though that things get better with time right?

I wanted to let you all know that my sweet baby Aaron passed away on Thursday in New Jersey. Words can't express how I feel right now, I've lost the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, the most incredible, sweet man I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. Thank you for all of your love and support over the last year and a half. We couldn't have done it with out you. Services will be held on Monday at Riverside Memorial Chapel in New York City at 11:45.

You are in our thoughts.

Aaron and I are praying for you and sending you positive thoughts. I'm sure everything will work out fine. I know it must be scary right now, but things will turn around soon, I'm sure of it. Love,

Thank you so much for all of your incredible advice. I appreciate each and every one of you more than you will know. I apologize for not responding sooner, my parents bought me a plane ticket home to Colorado at the last minute, for some much needed family time. It was really hard for me to leave Aaron for a few days, but I think it was good for both of us. I feel refreshed and ready to jump back in to caregiver mode. We ended up having Thanksgiving at our house with some good friends. It was really low key, fun, and relaxing. It was a very positive environment for both of us to be in. The following Sunday was Aaron's 29th birthday, and we had a surprise party for him. I got all of our friends together with balloons and 29 cupcakes. He was SO surprised and so happy. As far as his family goes, I had a long talk with his sister about all of our issues, and agreed to resolve everything for Aaron's sake. His mother has been another issue, we haven't actually talked to each other about the argument we had, but we have been very nice to each other at all of the treatments. I think we can just move past it so that Aaron doesn't have to be around any negative energy. I think his Mom got a really good taste of hat it's like to be a 27/7 caregiver when he stayed with her while I was away. I hope now that she can understand my position a bit more. I have been better about asking for help, and many of Aaron friends have offered to use their vacation time to spend the day with him if I need a break. I think writing out a schedule is a great idea, so far it's helped quite a bit. The little break I had in Colorado really did wonders for my psyche. As caregivers we really need a few days or even a few hours to ourselves to refuel. I keep thinking of this journey as a marathon, we can't burn out too early or we won't have the energy to be strong in the end. Aaron had treatment yesterday. He's still on Taxol, but his neuropathy is so bad they are giving him next week off. He is scheduled for a PET and MRI next week so we can determine if the Taxol is working, and what the next step might be. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers next Wednesday. Thank you again to all of you. I don't know what I would do with out you. Love,

aaron - 29 years old. stage IV NSCLC. fun, fun, fun.....

Hi everyone, I would like to introduce myself, I am Julia (babyspicy) Aaron's (spicysashimi) wife. I've long been a lurker on this site, and feel like I know most of you already. I would like to thank all of you for the tremendous amount of love, support, and encouragement that we have both received from you for the past year and a half. I am here now to contribute to that love and support, and hope that I can get some much needed advice and perspective from all of you. Aaron just finished two weeks of WBR, and he will continue to get Taxol on a weekly basis after a week break. Things have been really difficult lately. Aaron has been slowing down quite a bit, has fatigue, memory loss, et. I recently took a leave of absence from work so that I could be with him for all the appointments, and at home. In the last three weeks it has really become a full time job - I'm sure all of you know this very well. I feel totally drained emotionally and physically - like I'm at a zero. Yes I'm depressed, hurt, frustrated, lonely, and exhausted. I am alone here in the city with Aaron with the exception of a couple good friends that have really been there for us. Aaron's family is in New Jersey, and his Mom comes in every week to help out a bit - but I never feel like it's enough. Really I feel like I'm not getting the help I need at all. My family is all in Colorado, so my support system is 1600 miles away, and helping me every way that they can. I actually feel like my family has been more supportive that Aaron's even though they are so far away. Today, I brought up the possibility of getting some outside help, whether it be hospice, a nurse, whatever. Aaron got really upset about even mentioning the word hospice. I know that hospice does other things for families - it's not JUST an end of life support. Anyhow, it doesn't have to be hospice, I just feel like I need a break. When Aaron's mother heard about the hospice, she got me on the phone and yelled at me!?!! Saying that he wasn't ready for it, etc. etc. I tried to explain that I need help, and she responded with "How can I possibly help you more than I already am." and then went on to say that I never thank her or appreciate her for what she does for us. To make a long story short, Aaron's sister also called and implied that I was "manipulating" Aaron to think that they don't help enough. This is hurtful enough on it's own, but couple it with how I'm feeling emotionally and physically, I just didn't feel like I could deal with having these people over for Thanksgiving. I want to do what's best for Aaron of course, so I'm leaving it up to him. I feel very hurt and betrayed. I feel like his family has no idea what I'm going through on a day to day basis. I'm not even sure how to approach this, but I feel like a punching bag for his family, and I don't think I deserve to be treated this way. I'm feeling so low, and I need to be strong for Aaron right now, but I'm finding it so hard. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.