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glo

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Posts posted by glo

  1. Hi, guys -

    For the past couple years I've been looking in and catching up but rarely posting. Today I logged in and was surprised to see that the index says I last visited Sep. 03.

    My life is pretty uneventful lately other than having some remodels done to my house. Uneventful is fine with me -- beats the heck out of those stressful beyond our control situations that we sometimes go through.

    I think about all of you and always wish you well.

  2. Four and a half years since my husband's death, and it still sucks majorly, but I can say that it does get better in many small ways. Now when I have those days that suck me into a deep dark hole, they're often followed by a few days of euphoria where I'm more or less content to be by myself. And finally, after a LOT of time, I seldom notice the emptiness of the house - coming back into it from daily chores and such doesn't tug at my heart -- it is still there, though, if I go on a trip or something and have been out of the house for a week or so. Like Ry said, it seems we can fool our mind into thinking that when we come back, life will be back to the old normal and our loved one will be there.

  3. I totally agree with cat127. My husband used just inhalers for a long time, but after we both had a bout of flu, he came down with pneumonia and spent a few days in the hospital. When he was released they gave him a nebulizer and the meds were basically the same as contained in the inhalers - just a more concentrated way of getting it into the lungs. After a few weeks of the nebulizer, he asked the doctor if he could now go back to inhalers and that was ok'd. The biggest advantage to inhalers is their portability but the nebulizer seems more effective in some circumstances - but definitely not a case of becoming reliant on it and never getting off.

  4. Hmmm, very interesting. Not just the song, but all of our reactions to it. I don't think I've ever heard it before, but just reading it immediately gave me chills - and then I read all the responses and so many others experienced the chills. It is beautiful Ry, and if I woke to it, I'd definitely treasure it as a sign.

  5. My son died of a motorcycle accident in 1989. In the top of my closet is an accordian folder with all the papers he had in his apartment - utility bills, tax records, etc. etc., along with his wallet and all the sympathy cards, funeral book, etc. When will I throw them out? Who knows? I cleaned that closet last summer when having the hardwood floors refinished and new furniture, etc. - saw that accordian folder and quick tucked it into another box and shoved it deep in the closet. I knew that one peek in there and I'd be lost again for hours if not days. Nope, nope, not in my schedule.

    Not to mention the treatment records and other papers from before my husband died in Sept. 2003.

    Some things are just too hard to do, and it doesn't hurt anyone to leave those things where they are. Like Katie said, one day we'll throw them away - just not today.

  6. That's so funny. I was watching TV one day and that program that proves or debunks stuff like that had heard of the exploding biscuits and set up experiments to see if they could make it happen. They did. They put a car in a parking lot, subjected it to heat. First few cans didn't hit the dummy in the driver's seat, but finally one did catch it in the back of the head. :lol:

  7. Hey, Teri-

    Happy Belated Birthday! My birthday was on Thanksgiving too! I kept forgetting it was my birthday, because as you know, that only happens to us every seven years. My daughter put a candle on a piece of pumpkin pie for me. :lol:

    Glad the day was as good as it could be for you. Those "firsts" are indeed hard.

    (((Teri)))

  8. Teri - all of that sounds so familiar. You are doing great - grief is an extremely hard thing to cope with. I especially identify with the changing things that have always been "for us" to something that suits you. Seems there are two roads - those who hang on to all possessions (some even shrinelike) and those who feel the need for purging and changing. I'm in the latter group. I've been gradually catching up on all the things that need redoing in the house. Had acoustic ceilings removed, hardwood floors refinished, some fences built, new driveway poured and now in the middle of a bathroom remodel.

    There's some sadness in realizing that Chuck would hardly recognize some of the rooms, and yet a pleasure in seeing the updates. House is 42 years old! I expect to live here a long time, so I may as well be as comfortable as I can afford - and the updates would add value if I ever need to sell.

    I retired about a year and a half ago - the only thing I regret about it is not doing it sooner! :)

    I'm sure you'll find plenty of things to do with your time - I can't even imagine going back to work right now.

    So glad you have lots of support from family and friends.

    (((Teri))))

  9. I totally agree with Katie - it's the "love factor" and the closeness of the relationship that defines the grief. But you would think a bereavement therapy group would be the last place to succumb to those "measuring" statements.

    I lost my husband of six weeks; my father; my son at age 21; my second husband of almost 40 years; and lastly my mother. Each instance is totally different, but they all hurt. At age 19 and married for only six weeks, I was devastated - however I met and married another man within two years.

    My father's death caused me a couple days of sadness over the fact that we were not close and that his alcoholism deprived us all of better family relationships.

    My son's death nearly destroyed me. It's impossible to recover from - but I did learn to live with it.

    My husband's death also nearly destroyed me - four years later, I'm starting to learn to live with it.

    My mother's death a year ago was extremely hard. Although 3,000 miles apart for about 40 years, we were close. I miss her daily, but I think that being separated by so much physical distance does soften the blow somewhat. I didn't have the daily or several times a week visits with her that my siblings had, and I can almost picture her still in her apartment.

    Point being - the worst grief in the world for YOU is the one YOU are suffering right now. We all have empathy with others and their pain but it doesn't lessen ours. I also feel like grief is cumulative. Each new loss brings back some of the memories and pain that were receding.

    I haven't gone to any support group or counseling; but I'd be hurt too by such a remark. It probably wasn't meant to diminish the death of a parent, but just to acknowledge the other person's pain, and a failure to realize that to lift up one person they may be diminishing another. Hard to deal with, because any reaction you might have made to such a statement might possibly have started an argument among those who think grief can be measured. I guess it just takes time to get acquainted with the people there and to decide if attending adds anything to your life.

    I wish you the best, Kelly, whether you continue attending or not. Like the others said, what you're going through is HUGE indeed.

    Hugs to you.

  10. When my son was about four years old, he wanted to be with his daddy and do everything his daddy did, so Chuck gave him an old wood cabinet and some nails and a tack hammer - told him he could do anything he wanted with that little cabinet. Chuck went on working on his own project - pretty soon Greg was saying "ouch" every time he missed the nail and hit his fingers. Since the tack hammer has a small surface, it's harder to hit the nail. Chuck looked at him and said "do you want a bigger hammer, Buddy?" The answer: "No, Daddy, this one hurts bad enough".

    Katie, I don't think anybody can top your story. That is just hilarious.

  11. So true - we really do all second-guess - can't seem to help it. I'm sure you did the best you could with the situation as it was and the information you had. Yes, the cancer can definitely move that quickly. My husband was diagnosed with NSCLC at the end of July and was gone on Sept. 1 - he was willing to do whatever treatments were recommended for him, but didn't even make it to the first radiation treatment. So it definitely was the cancer and not the cure in his case.

    Try not to think about what was or wasn't done - coulda, shoulda, mighta been, - but remember how much love you gave her, and know that with time - probably a lot of time - your brain will revisit the events after diagnosis less frequently and focus more frequently on all the pleasant memories from before that time. What you are feeling is normal and happens to most of us.

    Grief is very hard.

    Wishing you the best.

  12. Oh, Don - yes, it is so hard to accept that the world now thinks of you as "single" and worse yet the awful word "widow" - in your case "widower" when you've been part of a couple for so long.

    It still startles me to fill out papers that require marital status and it's been three years. And to refer to "my late husband" is absolutely horrid - I avoid that in every way I can. Whoever started that ridiculous expression anyway?? What does "late" have to do with it? There's no good way - "my deceased husband" is only slightly better. The best I can hope for in a conversation that calls for me to refer to my husband is to say "I'm a widow. My husband installed these sprinklers, (or built this shed)" or whatever they're asking me. Still not good, but the best I can come up with.

    I still wear my wedding rings, because it feels too naked without them. :)

    Things do become easier in time, but many memories and habits will be with us for life. After about a year, I found I was no longer dreading opening the front door to an empty house, and gradually I've changed many things in the house to reflect the things I do, rather than what "we" did. Perhaps one day I'll think in terms of "I" rather than "we" but I'm not trying to force it. We all heal in different ways at different times.

    You've understood the importance of taking care of yourself while you were taking care of Lucy, so I know you will continue to do that now.

    ((((Don)))) I understand, as do all the spouses who have lost their other half.

  13. TeeTaa is right, Carleen. Just hold on. Just do whatever automatic robot actions come to you and just go through the motions and don't feel bad about anything you're thinking or doing - you're still in shock and whatever you think or feel is ok -- people aren't alike and people don't react the same.

    It is sooo much harder than anything I've ever faced in life, but you are still precious to others in your life and you know Keith would want happiness for you - it just will take a lot of time and many ups and downs. It will never be the same and you will never stop missing him, but eventually it does become bearable. Don't expect too much of yourself right now - just get through each day. Just hold on.

    About the pregnancy - I don't know. The timing is incredibly hard. Just take care of yourself the best you can and whatever works out you will know you did all you could. It really is outside your control.

    Just know we all care, and many of us realize how much pain you are going through.

    (((Carleen))))

  14. My recent experience with hospice was very positive. My mother who was 91 and had been relatively healthy had to go in the hospital because of some confusion and difficulty expressing her thoughts. No positive diagnosis, but possibly a slight stroke. She was discharged and I flew to MD and spent two weeks with her in her apartment - my four sisters and two brothers were in and out a lot during that two weeks and we all had a great visit.

    Within two days after I flew back to CA, she was again in the hospital. Still no clear diagnosis, despite extensive tests, but then she came down with an antibiotic resistant uterine tract infection - a form of staph. Because of the IV meds, she wasn't able to go home at discharge, but had to enter a skilled nursing home temporarily. After only a few days there, she developed extreme shortness of breath and harsh breathing - the nursing home took her to ER and she was now diagnosed with congestive heart disease and admitted to the hospital.

    Within just a few days, the cardiac doctors told us that her kidneys were shutting down and she was dying. By the time I got a flight back there, she was already unresponsive. The next day they moved her to the Hospice unit of the hospital. I was amazed!

    There were four patient rooms in the hospice wing - large rooms - mom's room had a huge comfy recliner chair, a table and three or four chairs, two other armchairs, and they brought in a cot - and of course the standard hospital room TV. This all was wonderful, but then we discovered the two rooms at the end of the hall. Luckily for us, my mom's room was next to them. One room had a refrigerator, microwave, large table and chairs, and a table with a phone. The other room had a sofa that was actually three joined recliners, a love seat that was two recliners, and a separate recliner chair, plus a TV, a desk, and oh, joy, a computer with internet access. All of this was furnished for the family's comfort. Plus they sent up food a couple of times a day for however many people were there at the time. And my mom was on medicare! Wow! We didn't get billed a penny for any of those services.

    For the three days until she died, there were never less than two of us in her room or next door. Many, many times there were as many as eight of us there. We took turns going home to shower - that was about it. Nurses did whatever we as the family wanted. If we said don't take vitals, they didn't - if we asked for her to be repositioned or cleaned up, they did that. They showed up at least every three hours and asked what we wanted or needed. Plus, of course, they administered the morphine and Ativan she was on. We could never have been as much together as a family if we had taken her home, because her apartment was too small. Plus being in the hospital meant that the professionals were always on call.

    I realize this isn't very helpful as far as shopping for a hospice because it just happened to be available at the hospital she was already in. But I just wanted to say that it was a service that we very much appreciated. Having gone through a vigil twice before at hospitals offering only hard waiting room chairs, this place was a dream come true.

    I'll definitely be donating money to the unit that provided the service.

  15. My 91-year old mother is in the hospital for the second time in a month, in Maryland. She's been living alone; called my sister because she felt there was something wrong. Sister found her confused and unable to express her thoughts. Admitted to hospital for about a week. CT scan, EKG, MRI, ultrasound and all tests found nothing wrong - with the exception of blood pressure elevated but not dangerously. Confusion lasted only one day. Perhaps a mini-stroke. No paralysis, or other physical signs, and her mind returned to her former stage of alertness very quickly.

    I flew back and stayed two weeks with her in her apartment. Luckily I have four sisters in my hometown and they all take turns helping her, but I was the one who could actually stay 24/7 with her. They all have husbands and obligations that make overnight away from home difficult.

    Home health nurse and therapists have been coming two or three times a week and were pleased with her progress. I flew home on Sunday morning, and this morning got a call that she's back in the hospital. Same thing -- confusion -- she dropped the phone while talking to one of my sisters and was still sitting with it in her lap when they got to her house. This time her blood pressure was outrageously high. 193 over 120! ER gave her blood pressure meds and within hours it was back to a normal range. They're keeping her a few days for observation. Pretty sure this will mean the end of her living alone (she's in a senior housing building with a panic button and handicap access for walkers, etc.)

    Please pray for her recovery and for a good solution to her living situation. I dread the thought of a nursing home, but she really resists living with any of her children because she doesn't want to be a burden.

    All positive vibes appreciated.

  16. OMG, Peggy. That is too funny. Sure glad you weren't in too big a hurry to read it over. But I'm also a little sad that it won't get read in court. lol

    I've done stuff like that, and it can be really scary, especially when you've just hit SEND on an e-mail and suddenly aren't sure what you just pasted in -- like wrong name in the To field. And it's a personal note. Oooh.

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