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glo

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Posts posted by glo

  1. Gay -

    Hugs going out to you. You and Dean are special people. I told him in a pm that I especially look for his posts. His name is Dean Carl, and my husband's was Carl Dean. Not that common of a combination. I think they both are special men and probably would have enjoyed knowing each other.

    You have been dealt a very hard hand and yet have time and love to share with others. Don't be embarrassed to share your feelings. We all understand.

    Gloria

  2. Oh, Natalie -

    I am so sorry. I've had you and your mom in my prayers so constantly. I've been worried that you didn't post on the 22nd to let us know if your Mom did get to have the gamma knife surgery. When we didn't hear anything, I was afraid that it was because her condition had worsened and you were understandably too busy for the Board or anything else.

    I'm glad you were with your Mom -- I know it was a huge comfort to her. You did everything you could possibly have done. Sometimes life just really does suck.

    If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know.

    Gloria

  3. Shannon, and Shirley

    I'm right there with you, ladies. It's just overwhelming to try and see what life will bring down the road. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. 40 years as half of a couple, definitely leaves you lost when the other half is gone. When I'm at work, I wish to be home -- when I'm at home, I don't want to be there either. I spend a lot of time on the couch staring mindlessly at TV and wanting to pull the world in on top of me. Work helps some because I have to make an attempt to concentrate there, and I refuse to be a constant object of pity so I keep my thoughts to myself.

    This feels like a waiting game -- like if I'm good and wait long enough, life will go back to "normal". Having lost a son 15 years ago, I know for a fact that it will never "go back to normal" but must slowly develop into a new normal, but what our brains know and what our emotions feel are entirely two different things.

    Both of you, feel free to pm me if you just want to talk.

    Wish for peace for all of us.

  4. Dean - yeah, what they all said!

    You can always bring a smile to my face. I couldn't help but notice that even directly after you'd told us about your depression, you were still posting encouragement to others.

    I'm SO glad the VA changed their minds and okayed your scooter. Can't wait to hear your description of your first ride on it!

    The blue funk gets all of us eventually. I had a five day weekend last week and spent four of those days mostly on the couch staring at the TV and wishing I could pull the world down on top of me and never get up. On the fifth day, though, it started to lighten and I was able to pull it together again. I'm not on anti-depressants now, but I've thought about them, and will go get them if I can't control the funks.

    I enjoyed Gay's post -- welcome, Gay -- you're a lucky man to have her and she's lucky to have you. You two just keep on doing what you do, and make those doctors rethink what they THINK they know about this disease.

    Gloria

  5. Aww, Ginny, I'm sorry to hear that. It's so hard on both of you. I can see it from both your sides. I know you don't want him to make more misery for himself, and yet I can just imagine looking out at that fallen bird feeder and thinking "I can go get that." It's so hard to realize that we can't do everything we used to do. I know it gets me mad when I see a ceiling lightbulb that needs changed, or anything that requires a ladder. I've always been able to do that stuff, but now I have some vertigo and it makes me dizzy and I just have to stop or fall. It would be so much worse not to be able to go outside by myself.

    But, look, Earl, you've proven twice now that it's gonna cause you misery, so just wait for Ginny! There's ice on the ground in PA for gosh sake! sshhh -- don't tell Ginny, but I'm still proud of your spirit. The same determination that led you to go outside and that got you back into the garage is the determination that is helping you battle this monster disease -- just try and channel it a little more wisely.

    Oh, and Ginny -- I think it's nearly impossible to steal from a hospital. Everything they open or use for you gets billed to your insurance. I know you were joking about the "stealing" part. :wink: Some hospitals tell you to take everything with you when you're discharged -- throwup basins, water pitchers, toiletries, pee-bottles, anything they've brought you to use. I notice our hospital doesn't tell you that anymore, but if you start gathering the stuff up, they just smile and maybe help you and if you ask they say "sure that's all yours". Those handy packets of pre-moistened ultra-thick washcloths they use are real good things to bring home -- and if you don't take them, they'll throw away the opened package and open a new one for the next patient.

    Love and hope to both of you.

    Gloria

  6. So funny, Lilly -

    I had a very similar experience. My daughter asked what I wanted for Christmas and one of the things I told her was a chair for the computer room. She bought one at Staples -- they would have assembled it for another $5, but then it wouldn't have fit in her car, and she couldn't have wrapped it, so she took it in the box.

    A few hours after we'd unwrapped all our presents, I took the pieces of the chair from the box and started to TRY and assemble it. Now, I've always helped my husband put this kind of stuff together and usually can make sense of it, but this chair wasn't making any sense. And forget about instructions in everything but English. This chair had NO written instructions. One sheet of paper with a diagram showing the chair parts and numbers for the order in which they were to go together and arrows to show what goes into what. :x

    The casters wouldn't stay on; the cylinder that lets the chair raise and lower wouldn't stay in; nothing was working and I was getting frustrated. Then I found on the paper a website address. Oh, goodie. Maybe FAQs! Ha, ha -- there were two FAQs. (l) How do I get the legs off the chair? (2) How do I get the cylinder off the chair. I laughed so hard because my question is how to get them ON the chair. :roll:

    Later on my daughter managed to get it together, but I came back in the room as she was finishing to discover a part that had rolled away behind an ottoman and got left off. It's a large plastic piece that I believe is only a dust cover for the cylinder that raises and lowers the chair. We thought about going back to the website because now those FAQs were relevant :? , but decided to just leave it, since everything seems to work without it. If I discover a problem, then I'll think about trying to reassemble it.

    Gloria

  7. Katie and Rick-

    I'm thrilled for you! Your news made that little shiver of pleasure go through my heart and it takes a lot these days to do that. She is absolutely beautiful. Thinking of her with you makes me sit here grinning as I type this. I know the two of you must be wearing permanent ear-to-ear grins. It's wonderful how she came into your life with such beautiful timing.

    By the way, my first-born was a boy, with a girl to follow six years later, so I can identify, and it was fine. They were oh-so-close. She had quite a case of big brother worship and he was protective (that is, when he wasn't picking on her, of course!) :lol:

    Don't hold back on the pictures. They're sunshine for our souls.

    Gloria

  8. Candy -

    I'm so sorry this had to come so soon after Hugh's death. There's nothing to tell you that you don't already know. You have already expressed what all parents know -- no matter what, our children come first. We can draw strength from them, but we must not usurp their lives.

    I'm proud of you that you're able to look at it realistically and know that we can't always have what we want most. But, oh my heart aches for you. I know how I'd feel if my daughter were to move away. Yes, they will always be there for us no matter the distance, and yes we want them to live their own lives, but oh, the loneliness. I just wish you'd had a little more time to adjust before the callup. Where will your son's wife live while he's gone? The two of you will share anxiety over him and I hope you can stay close.

    It's sad that your mother was never able to adjust and remained bitter through the rest of her life without your Dad. It cheated her of so many happy times.

    If you just want to rant, or cry, or whatever, feel free to PM me anytime.

    Gloria

  9. Thanks for writing Lillian. I've experienced some similar feelings. Sometimes I look forward to being with others to distract me from the constant sadness, and sometimes it helps and other times just leaves me feeling like a fish out of water.

    We tend to want to hurry through the pain and get on to just feeling the good memories, but grief won't be rushed. And life will never again be as we once knew it.

    Perhaps next year you will be able to invite your niece to your house and do Christmas your way! I'm for eating early and snacking the rest of the day too. I know it wasn't the different eating schedule or the lack of a tree that left you feeling down. You hoped for good uplifting feelings being exchanged on Christmas day and your niece's disappointing experiences and low morale managed to transfer somewhat to you.

    I am so encouraged by the mood you express now as contrasted to the bitter hurt and anger you were expressing a few months ago. I'm so glad you've found the courage and strength to begin finding a place for yourself in life.

    The courage of everybody on this forum helps me to look toward a time when the pain will subside and the peace will grow. I can so identify with everything said by all those here who have lost a spouse or other loved one. We have so many changes to make in our lives.

    Wishing for a growing peace for all of us in the New year.

    Gloria

  10. Bettina --

    Oh, I ache for you. I know some of what you must be feeling. I lost my husband just 3 months ago, and it is still extremely painful. I have to keep my daughter's face firmly in mind and remind myself how painful her Dad's death was to her and that she would suffer similarly if something were to take me from her too. It must be magnified many times for you without someone to keep you hopeful.

    My job seems unimportant to me now, but it does pass the time and keeps me interacting with people, rather than sitting at home brooding amongst the bittersweet memories.

    Yes, the wondering of how long do I have on earth to be without him and why has occurred to me too. Truth is, none of us know whether we will live a long time or short.

    And I agree with others that our loved ones would most certainly want us to go on and be as happy as possible. For now, happy is probably next to impossible for you, but I believe in time you'll find some measure of peace.

    Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

    Gloria

  11. Oh, Shellie -

    All I can say is I sooo understand. It hurts beyond belief. I think you have been postponing your grief and have probably been in shock more than you realize. It lasts a long time for some of us, and when it wears off, the pain is raw.

    I'm not a particularly religious person, but my husband died on Sept. 1 (Labor Day weekend) in the same unit of the same hospital where my 21-year old son had died on Labor Day weekend (Aug. 31) in 1989. Of course it may be coincidence -- but it doesn't feel like it. I don't feel that they are in a box in a hole under dirt. It feels like when my husband could no longer fight the cancer my son reached out to him. I choose to believe they are together in a better place because it comforts me, but by no means does it prevent me from being as devastated as you are now. And I too feel "but how can it be happening to ME?"

    Try and remember you have a husband to live for, as I have my 29-year old daughter.

    Give yourself permission to express your grief. It's a rare day that I don't dissolve at least once, but every day I survive is one day closer to a time when the memories will comfort more than they hurt. It's just a long, long road and there's no turning back.

    And yes, the holidays are catalysts for these feelings -- everybody else seems to be so happy.

    For all those who are grieving, I wish us all more peace each day.

    Gloria

  12. BeckyG -

    Glad to hear you are human enough to feel mean and to feel guilty about feeling mean! lol

    Just looking at your picture with that sweet little girl always makes my heart turn over. How can life be so mean to you? And yet you manage to juggle a career, child raising, and I'm sure many more things and still devote time to helping people on this board. I don't know you, but from reading your posts I admire you very much. Wish I lived in close proximity so I could help you in some way -- maybe sitting with that sweet little girl while you catch up on your paperwork.

    As for the grieving forum -- even those of us who are grieving find it hard to read. Yes, there is very real and intense pain there, but there is also the reality that those we grieve for are not suffering any longer and so therefore a part of our prayers have been answered. Although we are suffering intensely emotionally, I think most of us are in fairly good health physically. And you, I'm sure, are suffering physically and emotionally and you must stifle a lot of that for the sake of your little girl. Cut yourself some slack -- you deserve to have some mean thoughts -- life really sucks sometimes.

    Your story about the woman who said "doesn't that make you wish you had smoked?" really made me laugh. Not a brain in her head!

    Wishing you: easier breathing, weaning off the Prednisone, a NED report, and a long and happy life raising that little girl.

    Gloria

    Hugh

    Candy

    I understand. I'm just a few steps farther (timewise, that is) along this road than you are. Yesterday was two months from the day Chuck died. Age makes no difference; length of time with them makes no difference; it is just an almost unbearable loss.

    I don't believe I've had one full day without the tears and pain, but we do manage to at least look outwardly like we are functioning. And yes, I do make myself go places with people and then feel so alone and frozen in the middle of others socializing. It's hard to answer "yes, I'm doing ok", but what else are we to say? We can't continually break down in front of others, or they will begin avoiding us because it's an uncomfortable situation and they don't know what to say.

    I've gone back to work and even though the job seems so much less important than before, I'm grateful that I have it to fill some of my time and distract my mind. My daughter comes to my house at least three times a week, and we function much the same as before, but we aren't talking to each other about how hard it is, because we each don't want to multiply the other's pain.

    I survived the death of my 21 year-old son in 1989 and thought it was the hardest thing on earth to do, but this feels even harder right now. I know from experience that I'll never stop missing them, but it will get a little less painful with time. Seems that our brains have to relive over and over that last part of their lives, as if we can somehow change it and get them back. Oh, god, if only that were so.

    I agree with others that your sister is being insensitive. I have four sisters (3,000 miles away, unfortunately) and not one would think of saying that to me. I'm sure she means well, but she obviously doesn't understand. There is no "moving on"; there's just incorporating it into your life and getting by anyway you can.

    Each weekend if I can do the most necessary cleaning and laundry routines and get even one other chore accomplished, I count it a success. I think in these two months, more tears have gone down my shower drain than water! :cry:

    The holidays are bound to be hard for us, too. I've already had my daughter's 29th birthday without her Dad and she was extremely close to him. Not sure how we'll get through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I know we will.

    Candy, feel free to PM me if you just want to vent.

    Wishing you more peace each day.

    Gloria

  13. Cynthia -

    Just wanted to echo what some other posters have told you. Your feelings at this point, painful though they are, are completely normal. I lost my husband on September 1 and have experienced all the feelings you have. After spending all day in the hospital for over a month, I too would wake and think "I have to go to the hospital -- he needs me", only to realize he's no longer there. It's been almost two months and I do have some days now where I'm not completely lost and devastated, but then it hits again. I think we are able to prepare ourselves for their death -- especially after seeing them suffer so much that we just want it to end -- what we're not prepared for is our life without them. It truly does feel like they simply cannot be gone forever.

    My husband also went through the hospital surgery and days that were hopeful, only to come down with staph infection and pneumonia. He was too weak to fight it off. Sure wish they could come up with something to prevent that staph infection -- the hospital has more germs than anywhere else you can go -- and many, many people die from something they contracted in the hospital rather than what they went in for. My husband had said he would try the breathing tube temporarily only and when he was on the respirator I was afraid that we'd made a mistake and the doctors would refuse to take him off, but they told him they'd try 48 hours and then if his condition had not improved they would remove it. This is how it played out and fortunately he lasted only five minutes after the tube was removed.

    It's so easy to accept with your mind that there was no more quality life possible for them and we are so glad they are no longer suffering, but there's just no way to get your heart to accept that.

    Please PM me if you just want to pour out what you're feeling. Believe me I understand -- and it's hard to do with your family because they're already hurting too and you don't want to add to that.

    Know that you are not alone. Many of us are going through your nightmare or have survived it.

    Wishing you more peace each day.

    Gloria

  14. Candy -

    I'm so so sorry for your loss. It's hard for anyone not going through it to believe how incredibly hard it is. We are never prepared. Your husband's turnaround in the hospital is very similar to that of my husband. He didn't however, believe that he was dying until very close to the end and by that time he was unable to talk because of a breathing tube. So now, in addition to missing him terribly, I have many of those things around the house that your husband was able to tell you about that I'm trying to figure out.

    I can so relate to your trip to the store to get dog food. There are so many, many routine chores that are tied up with memories. And we're torn between wanting to get past the things that trigger the crying jag and yet not wanting them to disappear so totally from our lives. And so many of our routines are tied to them -- as you found, grocery shopping -- it's hard to look at the items that were always on the list because he liked them and now I have no reason to buy them.

    The garage is filled with tools that I'll never use, but I can't even think right now about disposing of any of them. I'll have to wait until a brother-in-law or close friend can come and help me.

    I agree with other posters that returning to work is good. I too dreaded leaving without the goodbye and returning to an empty house -- after a few days, it got easier, although the lonely feeling is still there. It's been a little over a month since my husband's death and I still have not had his name taken off car and house insurance -- even though I'm sure the car insurance premiums will go down and several other such things I haven't done. I have contacted Social Security -- needed to do that one right away because he was retired and having benefits direct deposited. There are very few legal requirements in this regard, and most of it can wait until you're ready to deal with it. It is so incredibly hard to pick up the phone, knowing you'll have to say those unbearable words "my husband died".

    I'm glad to hear you went for a walk -- I have a neighbor that I've walked with for years, and I had lots of excuses not to go after Chuck died, but once I did I found the fresh air and the exercise do help to relieve the stress.

    I wish I could tell you something to make this all more bearable, but there is nothing. There is no going around grieving, only going through it. It is so easy for my mind to accept that he is not suffering and he would want me to go on and not be so sad, but my heart is having no part of it!

    Do you have children, Candy? My daughter lives here in town and is my salvation. I hope you have someone close to help you though this. Please feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk. It does help to vent.

    I'm praying for both of us and the others who are grieving to find more peace and less pain with each day that passes.

    Gloria

  15. Chuck -

    Welcome to the board. Your post especially caught my eye, since my husband's name was Chuck. I'm in pretty much the same place you are. Chuck died on Sept 1, and my house too is empty, after almost 40 years together. I'm 61 and Chuck was 65.

    Even with all the legal things that have to be handled, life insurance, social security, taking his name off things, I haven't accepted that he's actually never coming back. Sometimes I think it's only that lack of reality that allows me to function at all. I could retire, but at this point my job is helping to keep me sane. When I'm home alone I wander from one thing to the next. Start cleaning or organizing rooms or papers, etc. then just wander off and leave it.

    Seems we both have the same good luck, though, with supportive daughters. My daughter has not been on the board, but oh, she was my rock while her dad was in the hospital. She's 29 and was daddy's little girl . She always said any sentence from her that began with "Daddy" in a little girl voice was guanteed to produce results. She once laughingly told her friends -- don't make me produce my dad here -- because I can. If I call, he'll be here within the hour. She and I both were secure in the fact that it was absolutely true. Excepting actual physical distance limitations, of course. So we both are missing him tremendously, and it hurts a lot.

    I think we shouldn't worry too much right now about whether our reactions are good or bad -- everybody grieves in their own way. Counseling, if you want to go is good, but for me I think I get almost as much out of reading and posting here. The main thing is to be able to express the grief without feeling that I'm burdening family and friends with it.

    It feels like this huge surreal world will never get back to normal, and it won't because our definition of "normal" is vastly changed. But I lost a 21-year old son to a motorcycle accident in 1989 and so I know that even though we'll never "get over" the loss, it does become incorporated into life and less painful.

    Wishing you more peace and less pain each day. So sorry you have to go through this.

    Gloria

  16. I posted a short while back in the introduction forum.

    My husband who's been under treatment for COPD for three years or so, began having upper back pain in March -- doctor sent him to physical therapy -- WITHOUT TAKING X-RAYS!

    Finally did a CT scan on July 10 and discovered a tumor on his left lung that had eaten into the ribs and the shoulder blade. On July 28 had a needle biopsy and was referred to an oncologist. We didn't see the report, but doctor said it was NSCLC - squamos - and stage III or IV.

    Received prescriptions for increasingly stronger pain meds through the period from May or June through August 8, when he was admitted to the hospital through ER -- one week before first apptmt with oncologist.

    He had been walking around, taking care of his own personal hygiene needs, warming food in the microwave, etc. up until one day before going in the hospital. On August 8, he woke and needed my help to walk from bedroom to living room where he sat in the recliner -- meds kept him relatively pain free and he was coherent and lucid. As the day went on, I realized he could not get out of the chair and called an ambulance. They took him to UC Davis Medical Center, which got us away from our MedClinic group -- whom I had lost all faith in -- and to a hospital with a reknowned cancer treatment center.

    At UC Davis Medical Center he had many, many tests and was admitted to the oncology floor. Orthopedic surgeon talked to him the next morning and proposed surgery to stabilize his spine. The tumor was compressing the spinal column and two vertebrae were virtually disintegrated as well as the ribs and scapula involved. Who knows how he had been walking in that condition.

    Surgery was successful and after a few days he moved to rehab unit because although he had feeling and movement in his legs, they were very weak. He was doing ok there, although it was pretty strenuous for him with his lung condition. Had consultation for radiation and had the mapping done.

    Then the surgery site became infected. This wasn't caught right away because he did not have a fever. Immune system was probably suppressed through the steroids he was taking to make breathing easier and to reduce inflammation from both surgery and tumor. The surgeon had to open the wound and wash it. He warned that this sometimes has to be done several times. This weakened him more, but he continued in the rehab unit -- they reduced the goals for him from walking to just transferring from bed to wheelchair, etc.

    Then, sure enough, back to OR for washing the wound a second time. Surgeon felt he had controlled the infection and wouldn't have to do it again, but Chuck's heart rate was elevated in the recovery room and they put him on a heart monitor. Also developed a lot of congestion which they decided was pneumonia. He had previously said he wanted no breathing tube, or other life support, but when the doctor said a breathing tube might be temporary and he might kick the pneumonia and go on to other treatment he opted for that -- temporarily only. So they inserted the tube and moved him to ICU with a ventilator. ICU team conferred with him and they decided on 48 to 72 hours and if condition did not improve to remove the tube.

    My daughter and I stayed with him through 48 hours and watched his condition steadily deteriorate. About an hour before the ICU team did rounds and talked to us he had stopped responding to us altogether.

    We knew it was time to take out the tube. Mercifully, he breathed shallow breaths for only five minutes and peacefully stopped. My daughter who is 28 was so strong through all this. She made sure that he always understood the consequences of any treatments and was able to ask him if he thought he'd see Greg (our son who died after a motorcycle accident in 1998). He said yes and she told him that she and I would be ok and look after each other.

    Ironically, our son died on Aug. 31, 1989 (Labor Day weekend) in UC Davis Medical Center in the SICU unit. My husband died Sept. 1, 2003 (Labor Day) in the same hospital and the same ICU unit. My daughter and I are ok with that. It seems a sign that they'll be together.

    I know from my son's death that you do not ever get over it, but you do somehow get through it, but right now it hurts so bad and the world is once again so out of kilter that ordinary things are amazingly difficult to do. When I watched him suffer and struggle, I knew I'd gladly take his pain if it could make him whole, but now that he's gone and I do have the pain it's awfully hard to bear.

    My daughter and I will get through this. We're planning to visit my mother who will be 89 this month and is in remarkably good health and also visit some of my husband's sisters who weren't able to travel here. And I'll return to work, probably this week.

    For all who have posted here about a loss -- my condolences -- I know what a long road we all have ahead of us and I feel all the things each of you have written about.

    I have exchanged PM messages with Natalie, who is also in Sacramento and a couple other members on the board, but did not have time to post much during the 3 weeks when I was spending 12+ hours a day at the hospital. I'm so glad I was with him that much, even though friends kept telling me to get more rest and save my strength for when he comes home. Therein lies the problem -- do what you can today, because nobody is guaranteed tomorrow.

    Gloria

  17. Thanks to all who replied. And yes, Don, my name is Gloria.

    I'm 60, my husband is 65.

    We made a trip to the emergency room today, because even though he's on two 50 mcg fentenyl patches every 72 hours and Norco every 2 hours, he could not get relief from the pain today. Every breath and movement hurt and when he used his combivent inhaler it hurt a lot to breathe it in deeply. Our niece who is a nurse in Tyler, Texas had told us that she felt the Norco as breakthrough medicine was not effective and he probably needed Roxanol or another form of morphine.

    The ER doctor contacted our primary care doctor and gave my husband a shot of Dilaudid and a prescription for Roxanol -- guess niece knows her medicines. He said he can still take the Norco also if needed. ER doctor asked if we had seen an oncologist and I told them we received a call today confirming that the referral had been processed and the oncologist will call us. I have his name so if he doesn't, I'll be calling him tomorrow. The ER doctor asked if hospice had been mentioned to us and said the oncologist will probably offer external radiation as palliative care. BUT I think he had no biopsy report -- just had talked to our primary care doctor. I certainly intend to seek another opinion and also to explore all options for treatment.

    The new medication did seem to give him some relief and he was able to sit up in a chair for at least half an hour this evening. First time he's been able to do that for several days. He's very shaky on his feet, but insistent on doing as much of his own care as possible -- really only lets me cook and bring him food - of which he eats little, but does usually manage at least a fruit smoothie or instant breaksfast with fruit once or twice a day and a few nibbles of something from time to time.

    I feel strongly that if he can get relief from pain for a decent interval of time, he'll be able to fight this.

    If I change medical providers, it won't be effective until Sept. 1, so we feel we have to at least hear this oncologist out and hope he can keep my husband strong enough to get to a better facility. My phone calls were cut short today by this trip to the ER. But I did talk for quite a while with a helpful person at 800-4-cancer and she led me around the website to get materials on treatment, clinical trials, etc.

    I read another post where the caregiver asked the oncologist before the visit to please stress living and fighting and not to be negative. I hope to have a chance to do that also.

  18. Thank you Ada W.

    I do, indeed, intend to seek a second opinion.

    And yes, am realizing how important it is to get things in writing and get copies of reports. I now take notes and go to the computer right after each visit or phone call to type them up. Along with documenting his condition each day.

    Have not yet gotten copies of records, but it's one of my next steps. I'm not at all confident that our primary care doctor handled his treatment correctly from the start.

    We belong to Blue Shield HMO and the practice group we've been with does not seem to have many specialists in any areas. So I'll be contacting them to see about switching to another group. UC Davis Medical Center here in town is a teaching hospital, and I noticed the other day a large building downtown titled Sutter Cancer Center, so I have some research work cut out for me.

    Of prime importance is that my husband in no way feels this is hopeless and he's ready to do whatever it takes.

    Thanks again.

  19. Found this board the other day. Seems to be a great group of people.

    Sorry this will be a long message, but I need to vent.

    My husband was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. He had been receiving treatment for COPD for about 3 years. In March he began having pain in his back, near his shoulder blade, which he didn't feel was muscle strain, but thought it would pass. At his regular April 15 checkup he asked the doctor about it and the doctor thought he might have twisted wrong or something and separated some ribs. He gave him a shot of something? prescribed some Vicodin and said if it wasn't better in a couple days call back.

    When he called back, the office staff gave him a referral to physical therapy without x-rays :evil:

    The first few visits they had him do exercises. When he told them the exercises caused pain they said to stop and they applied some type of patches (he thinks something "ionic") which totally stopped the pain for a while, but on subsequent visits they couldn't seem to find the right spot again and the patches no longer helped. They said they would call his primary care doctor and tell him to do diagnostics. Receiving no call, he called and told the staff that he was in pain and almost out of Vicodin and PT could not help him. Still took them a couple weeks to get him in to see primary care doc.

    Doctor walked him next door to x-ray lab and told them to do a chest x-ray at once. They returned results to him immediately and he said the pleura was inflamed and there was scarring on the left lung. He thought the scarring might be from his bout with pneumonia a couple years ago.

    Requested authorization from ins. co. for CT scan. Took over 2 weeks to get the appointment (doctor says ins. co. denied request and he had to argue with them) Vicodin prescription renewed several times during this period -- pain increasing all the time.

    July 18 discussed CT scan result with primary doctor. It showed tumor at top of left lung, eating into ribs and scapula. Doctor gave a new prescription for Norco and Clonazepam, and referred him to an internal medicine doctor who is board certified for pulmonary medicine.

    New doctor explained types of tumors and set appointment for biopsy to determine type and stage so that treatment could be explored. Pain was relatively under control at this point, but within next couple days increased greatly. Dr. authorized Norco to be taken every two hours, and if Clonazepam makes him too sleepy -- it was knocking him out a majority of the time and taking away his feeling of controlling his own treatment -- he could take it just at bedtime.

    Biopsy performed 6/28 -- despite calls to both doctors' offices and refilling Norco and requesting other pain killer -- Duragesic (Fentanyl) patches -- not until this morning were we able to discuss the results of the biopsy. Dr. confirmed that it was cancer -- yeah, we know -- and said it's Non Small Cell -- probably squamos cell -- and stage III or IV. Doesn't think it's operable, but suggests radiation. He'll arrange visit with radiology oncologist.

    He didn't seem to want to talk further -- I got the feeling he thinks there's not much to be done. I see no point in discussing with him because he's not the one who'll be doing future treatment, but like all of you on this board there's no way we're not gonna push for any and all treatment available.

    I've told both doctors that treatment has to begin quickly because his pain increases daily and he already can only sit upright for about 5 minutes before he has to lean back or lie down. God bless whoever invented the recliner chair!

    I've also told both doctors offices to get used to me -- because I'll be on the phone every day until I get the oncologist appointment. I've been a basket case -- calm times getting shorter and panic times longer, so last week got a prescription for some generic zanax which takes the edge off. I'm psyching myself up now out of sniveling stage to "give us action or plan to spend a loong time explaining to me why not".

    We're blessed with a wonderful 28 year old daughter who lives in town and she and I both have state jobs which allow us a lot of leeway for time off.

    I'd appreciate if anyone who has had similar experiences could help us know what to expect from the radiation and what questions or demands to make of the doctors.

    Thanks for being here.

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