Trawna

Michelle, if you want to talk to me feel free to email me with your phone number, or I will give you mine if you email. Guilt is normal, I still have a lot of it to work through. (((hugs))) Jane

(((Michelle))) I rarely post here since I lost my husband of almost 39 years last April, but I do come every day to hear the advice and support that so many are so willing to provide and I find it a wonderful support, so do keep coming and share your thoughts. Sometimes just putting it into words and letting others see it and respond is in itself a great support. As awful as it is, the grief process is unique to every individual and there are no "stages" or "rules" as to how we go through it or what might help to make it easier. I can only tell you what I have found helpful. The first is that I see my family doctor every 6 weeks. I have had him for over 30 years, and he was also my husband's MD. He has spent literally hours talking me through the grief experience, discussing what's "normal" and what isn't, checking my physical health (yes, grief causes physical as well as mental pain and problems!) and he has prescribed something to help me sleep and also something to help cope with depression. The first anti-depresion meds didn't work so a month ago he changed over to a different one ... this alone is a good reason to see an MD on a regular basis. In addition he will refer me if and when I want it to counselling but so far seeing him on a regular basis has been helpful enough in that area. The second was connecting with other friends who have been recently widowed. I have 3 who have known both my husband and I for years, and I knew their husbands too ... 1 is just in a very different headspace/lifespace so really is not useful, but the other two in their own ways have been experiencing much of what I have. We talk on the phone regularly, and when I get very down and depressed I will arrange a brunch or lunch with them and we can talk, no holds barred, about how we feel and why we think it is hitting us the way it does. Finally, remember that there are no rules for grief and we each of us have to just work through it and live through it as best we can, until we can resume a more-or-less normal life, but that will not be the old normal, it will be the new normal, and we'll eventually get there. Don't hold ourself up to anyone's expectations, just live your life as you must day by day and if that means crying 6 hours a day (which I did) then give yourself permission for that ... the only way to the healing is to work through the process yourself, with your own rules and without trying to live up to anybody's expectations. My thoughts are with you. Jane

Wishing you all a happy and heathy New Year. A special thanks to those of you who post such encouraging words and helpful advice. Many of us, I know, read the threads but may not comment perhaps as often as we could or should, but that makes your contributions that much more valuable. So thanks to you all, and may 2010 be an NED year! Jane

(((lilyjohn))) Thank you for writing what so many of us feel It is hard to be left behind when the love of our life has been taken away.

(((Indy))) Many of us have experienced similar delays. My husband was offically diagnosed with 3B NSCLC in October 2007 but treatment did not start until mid-January 2008, partly because his chemo was at one hospital and his radiation at another and they BOTH had to get their acts together. You'd think in this computer day and age that reports and scans and so on could be sent electronically betweeen hospitals and doctors, but apparently no. Anyway, the whole point is not to be surprised that it's taking a long time, but keep on their backs to get it started. Your description of what you are going through now sounds exactly like what my husbnd and a I went through. I will keep everything that I can crossed for you and your husband! This is a great site and I am glad that you found it, it's a tremendous help if only to talk to others who have been there. Jane

H Mary: So sorry that you have to be here, but you will find a lot of support on this site as you and your family go through this. My best thoughts and wishes that you and your husband manage to get through this and you both will stay stong and continue to fight throught the next trying times.

I can imagine how relieved you are! Congratulations and stay well!

http://www.cancer.ca/Canada-wide/About% ... sc_lang=en I am so sorry you are going through this experience. I lost my Mom to cancer when my daughter was 2, but at least I had a supportive husband. This must be very diffficult for you! Above is a link to free counselling available in Canada, but if this is not enough I suggest you contact either the Canadian Cancer Society or your local hospital oncology ward who can refer you. Although I have not used their services myself, I have several friends who have and who tell me that it has been exteremely helpful. Sending you strength and hope (((Hugs)))

Dear Michelle: My heart goes out to you and your dear husband, I do hope the edema is being resolved, and that he will soon improve. I just wanted to let you know I totally agree with Carleen who said that hope is a gift, and that nobody knows how much time any of us have. My husband was in total denial, even after both his onc. and family MD told him the likelihood of his situation, and from others who have been caregivers in these situations I understand this is not an uncommon thing. Bottom line is, I finally just accepted what the MDs said and then did not discuss it further with him unless he initiated the conversation. Eventually he came around to telling me some of his wishes fortunately, but only under the conditions of "if something goes wrong, this is what I want you to do..." Had I pushed anything, I would only have made him more uncomfortable and less communicative, as he was a fighter to the end. He finally went into palliative care after a visit to the ER followed by new CT and lung xrays and PET scans which the MDs shared with me but not him, but he only went in because the ER admitted him to the onc. ward originally and he was finally told (eg lied to by his onc. after we persuaded her that although she had told him the reality) that he simply could not face the prognosis and so she told him that she was moving him to a ward where he would have greater privacy for his family to visit and where we could stay with him 24/7 and where the nursing staff could give him better care, and that as soon as his breathing issues were resolved he could go home. That was never in the cards and the rest of the family knew it (we had seen the CAT and PET scans, which he did not want to see) ... but the "white lies" helped him deal with it and focus on the positive of getting home to sit in the back yard and listen to the birds and see the flowers. They actually took him into palliative care through a "back door" where he could not see the term "palliative care" on the ward, so they were very good at undertanding the situation. Please do not think that you need in any way to convince him or even talk to him of what the MD has told you, my suspicion is that his MD is likely just trying to prepare you for the worst so that you know what to watch for, expect, and perhaps provide support for you in the long run. Believe me, I needed to know that, although my husband did not and could not accept it even when told directly. And in the end, with all the family lying like mad to him about coming home, he was willing to accept appropriate palliative/hospice type care, whereas if he had thought that was what it was, he no doubt would have refused altogether, and so by accepting it that made his passing much more painless and more peaceful for him. Please understand that I am not suggesting that you give up hope ... I never did until the day he died ... but it was helpful to know what end-of-life signs were, what could be done to make him more comfortable as that approached, and what to tell the rest of the family so that at the end all his family were able to there with him. I will keep you both close to my heart, and wish you the very best outcome posssible. (((hugs))) Jane

I am so sorry re your Mom's diagnosis. I would agree with most respondents here that it may well be the pain meds. My husband could not deal with the Percocet (nausea and high anxiety) but once they switched him to Oxycodone/Oxycontin he was much more comforable had far less nausea. He also felt less anxiety. I am thinging of you and wishing you strenght ahd comfort during this difficult time. And don't forget that in palliative care their goal is to keep your mother comfortable, so if she isn't you should talk to the head nurse and/or oncologist immediately. It took them olmost a day to get my husband's meds right, including addition of morphine and Atavan, but once they got it right it was a huge difference for him, and of course a huge relief for the family. (((HUGs))) Janea

(((Marci))) ... and (((Alyssa))) too! I get it .. did the same thing for three weeks after my husband died, for the sake of the rest of the family. and then everything just came apart and I cried for three days straight! Glad you have a therapist to help you through this, Marci. You may also want to see a family doctor. He gave me an anti-depressant which really helped (after about a week - it takes time to take effect). and I am now at least semi-functional. And venting really helps, too! So don't hesitate to do so here.

Hi Evalynn: I'm from Brampton, Ontario and have just gone through the "caregiver" experience so I can't be of much help, but I'm here if I can help in any way. Jane

Hello Bunny: Take a breath, and then another, and then another. There are not a lot of things that you need to do right away. Take your time, do one thing at a time. Mainly, take time for yourself to grieve and to heal. I know where you're coming from ... lost my husband April 30th 2009. (((hugs))) Jane

Hi Sandy: I am so sorry that you are having to travel this road. Having just done this with my husband (passed away April 30th) I know how tough it is-- every night I that I went home to get a few hours' sleep I dreaded the call from the palliative care unit that would tell me that he had gone. The only suggestions that I have is (a) you need to look after yourself too, and do what is right for you, regardless, and ( maybe you might want to talk to the hospice/palliative care staff before you decide. They have been through these situations many many times, and although they are also fallible, they also know far better than we do what is likely to happen. When I arrived back at the hospital on the morning of the day he died, the first thing they said to me was "I hope you are prepared to stay overnight tonight" ... they knew far more than I did! And then they came in every couple of hours that day just to update me on the situation, and they also called me out of the room and told me about 2 hours before the end that I should contact his brothers asap if they wanted to be there at the end. They were not only understanding, but incredibly knowledgable. They also told my daughter the day before (April 29) that she should not return home (800 miles away) if she wanted to be with her Dad at the end, which was incredibly helpful, as she was thinking of going home for a couple of days at that time, and had she done so she would have not been able to get back in time. I wish you and your mother both peace and solace.

You may want to talk to your MD about an antidepressant such as lorazipam and/or venlaflaxine. My husband was unbelieveably grouchy (not without reason for sure!) until he was prescribed both the antidepressant and also the sleep aid, since he was not sleeping well either. He still complains about being tired, etc. but at least the massive depression has gone, and now that he is getting some sleep it is really helping him to deal on a daily basis. Thniking of you, and hoping for all the best.

Hello Allie: I am new here too, and just wanted to say how sorry I am for your Mum's diagnosis, but also to say that you have found a wonderful support site here. Cancer has affected so many of us in so many ways (in addition to my husband's current situation, I lost my Mom to ovarian cancer when I was 32) and we need all the support we can get -- and give -- to help each other and, ultimately to beat this disease. I hope you will find both good information and support here. Let us know how the appointment went. Jane

Thanks to you all for the welcome, and my best to each one of you on this difficult journey. I am exploring the boards and find the posts are most helpful and supportive. I am already very glad I was led to this site, and blessings to those who founded it and support it. (((All))) Jane

If it is at all encouraging to you, my brother-in-law had thyroid cancer, plus Stage 4 lc, plus mets to liver and kidney. He first had a laryngectomy and thyroidectomy, followed by lobectomy, and then followed up with radiation and chemotherapy. Needless to say, that was a very difficult year of treatments. The good news ... that was 7 years ago and he feels great, is still working, and most importantly is still enjoying his life. So try not to think about statistics. Think positive, be strong. I will hope the radiation will go as well for you as it did for him. Jane

Hello: I guess I should have introduced myself a couple of weeks ago when I found this site, but I haven't got around to it until now. I am the caregiver for my husband, age 64. He had kidney cancer in 1991 and had the right kidney and that adrenal gland removed at that time, and so we thought he had the big C beat, until August 2007 when a standard chest x-ray showed a shadow ... subsequently, after the usual ritual of tests, CAT scans, lung biopsy, etc. he was diagnosed in November with stage 3a lc(involvement was given as being one lung and one nodule in mediastinal area), but subsequent tests revealed likely nodules in other lung and possible adrenal spread so that staging was upped to 3b. No identifiable mets to liver, bone or brain at this time. After a nightmare of three totally different treatment plans they finally decided on a six-cycle treatment plan using cisplatin and vinorelbine, (1 week both, next week cisplatin only, 3rd week rest week) and he is to be re-assessed after that to see if the tumors have shrunk enough to make radiation of the mediastinal node and one lung a realistic option. His treatment is complicated by the fact that he had a heart attack and stroke in 2001, and subsequently had a triple bypass and carotid artery replacement. He has currently completed two cycles but has come down with a high fever in the last three days, and so the start of cycle 3 has been delayed a week and he is being treated with antibiotics for the next week. He is very positive and says he beat cancer once and will do so again. I am up and down like a yoyo and am trying to stay positive for him. He does not want to know his prognosis or even the type of tumor he has, he just wants to do what the oncologists say and fight it with their chemicals and his mental strength. I really would be much better if I knew more details, but this is his battle and I have no option but to respect his choice not to learn more. So ... I look elsewhere for all the information I can. I stumbled across this site through a post on another one, and it appears to have a wealth of information as well as being a great support resource. I am grateful it is here, and thanks for providing it ... a support community is so very helpful for all of us, patients and caregivers alike, who are just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to get on with our lives day by day as best we can while dealing with this rotten disease. Jane

Dear Carrie: I agree with Bobby that the most important thing you can do now is to try to get her comfortable. My Mom refused chemo for her late-stage ovarian cancer, but we were fortunate enough to have an understanding MD who was willing to provide medications in sufficent dosage that controlled virtually all of her pain during her last few weeks. Frankly, it may have shortened her life, but it definitely gave her a better quality of life through that last period. The downside was that she slept a lot, but at least when she was awake she was able to be without that awful pain. My thoughts are with you all in this very difficult time, may you all find relief from all of the different types of pain you are feeling now. Peace to you, you are in my thoughts. Jane

I am so very sorry for your Mom's situation, and I hope she can get some help to deal with the bowel problem. My husband recently had terrible urgency and loose stools, which Immodium did absolutely nothing for. After 3 days his MD prescribed Lomotil + atropine sulphate, which cleared it up. Maybe you could ask her doctor about this? In addition, the BRAT diet is commonly recommended for loose stools ... that's banana, rice, applesauce, and toast. It is supposedly constipating. Hopefully your Mom may find some relief from one or both of the above.

Dear Hawkeye: I am so sorry that Mary and you have to travel this road. Courage to you, may you be blessed in the knowledge that you are doing your utmost. It is grat that her son and daughter-in-law are there for you both. My thoughts are with you, may you all feel the warm thoughts we all send to you, and may you all find some peace in such a difficult time.