Barb73

Judy, I had wondered about the timing. It was the thing that mostly made me think - that is, after a few days following the dream. Bill's been gone for six months, our anniversary just passed and his birthday is coming up next week. Not to over-analyze it, but I think he wanted me to have an ease of passage at this time. Yes, timing is everything. I was talking to one of our sons yesterday, and he expressed the wish to visit the cemetery with me. It is timely, and a lovely time of year. He and my daughter-in-law will be going. My daughter took me there on Memorial Day weekend, and my youngest son took me during the summer. This will be on what would have been Bill's 80Th birthday, and will be something nice for the three of us to do together. Again, the reason I have shared this is because this site, and especially the wonderful people here have always been there for me. Otherwise, I would never feel so comfortable expressing these things. Love, Barbara

Yes, Judy, that is exactly what it did for me. It gave me a new kind of confidence in living my life without him. I have always believed in the spiritual. In fact, it is my belief that we are all spirits living in human form in this life. For me, we are all connected here, and in the beyond. The thing that surprised me was that I had never had a dream about Bill. This was so unexpected. It was as though I received a gift that was meant to assure, so I planned to run with it. Love, Barbara

Hi Judy, Yes, thank you for telling me about Gail. She contacted me via email and I replied to her just the other day. She told me that you told her about Bill's death. She and I used to correspond. For some reason, since that dream, I have not wakened in the morning with that sinking feeling in my stomach. I look forward to the day. It's not that I don't have teary moments, but they are usually in response to something I have heard or seen on the Tv. I cry more now at things I see and hear. If someone in the news has a sad event, I am a bit raw yet, and the waterworks begin. My thoughts, though, are generally more at peace. The feeling has internalized that Bill is OK, and I have more confidence. Does that make any sense? Love, Barbara

I have had my first-ever dream about Bill. He had come to take me out to breakfast. He looked wonderful. His face was all lit up with joy. I remarked to a friend who was there that Bill would be 80 in a couple of weeks. She said that he looked so well. He and I were waiting on line to wait for a table, and he took me next door to a little shop where he bought me ticket. When I looked at it, I was a winner. I woke up with a peace and the feeling that he was telling me that he was more than fine. Barbara

I know exactly what you mean about people feeling free to mention these special anniversaries to us. When our relatives do so, it's a blessing. It is on our minds anyway, so why not discuss it? This site has been huge in helping to vent emotion. Without it, I'd have been so very lost trying to deal with the void where Bill used to be. That emptiness has been the most difficult of all. Our 55 anniversary would have been this September 17. Bill died at the halfway mark. It seems as though dates stand out so vividly when we have lost so very, very much. As has been mentioned, we are never alone here. Your posting touched me. Barbara

Judy, I know what you mean. The very same thing happened to me. A reply to a post was announced the other day in an email, and it was an old one. You asked how things are going with missing Bill. I still cry almost daily at different spots in the day, but in-between, I am keeping busy with some things here that needed attention. First, my exams and testing are over. I have serious vascular problems (was wondering why I am so tired most of the time). There isn't much can be done because it is all over the system (clogs and atherosclerosis). It is what killed my Dad. Like father/like daughter. : ) Well, knowing my tenacity, it will not kill me yet. My stubborn streak just won't quit that easily. As far as the family goes, they are wonderful. There is nothing more important. They have been like rocks. Our grandson (in Florida) was signed up into the US Marines yesterday. He is off to boot camp. Prayers for him are requested. Life has been very strange without Bill. I miss him terribly, but he would want me to be thinking about him in a good way. He was my best friend. He, in many ways, still is. He and I were destined to be together for 54 1/2 years. Who, in good conscience, could complain about not having enough time? Not I. Love, Barbara

Haaaa, I have a dozen sitting in the fridge that I am not in the mood to eat - - soooo, here goes. Another great ideas, Randy. Bill, I am sure is smiling. Barbara

Being alone in the house with one furry friend is where I am, Ron. Lots of daiy crying has gone on over the past months, and inbetween - chores our of the house, family lunches, and get-togethers every now and again. I have thought about selling the house - sooo many memories - so many things Bill repaired and accomplished around here over the years. Remembering advice from "on high" from eons ago reminded me that making any large decision before a year is not recommended. I am holding fast. Things are slowly - ever so slowly - coming together, and when and if I make a decision as formidable as that it will have been after much thought. Tears are still a part of my existence, but I wouldn't trade them for never having known the love of my life. It's worth the pain. Something tells me that you will be fine, dear Ron, ever so slowly, but surely. Barbara

((((Randy)))), It has been four months and and ten days for me, but you have given courage through your kind words and understanding. "Yelling up at the stars" has been a helpful tip. Wish I could give back as much. Barbara

Hello Paula, Even though I have been to the cemetery twice - once with our daughter Memorial Day weekend, and once with our son, who was visiting from Florida, I am generally not a "cemetery" person. Bill, I feel, is around me and everywhere I go. So, no, you are not wrong. Each person is different, and deals with grief in varied ways. As we move forward, some days are better than others, and grief is a very personal thing. There are no rules, expiration dates, nor limits to tears, thoughts and whatever else gives comfort. It's better if guilt is not put into play in our decisions to be or not at grave sites. The main thing, I think, is keeping our loved one's memory with love. Barbara

Thank you, Maryanne, for this news. It will help so very many who are in flux about their status for this horrible disease. I wish I were at the level of a few years ago - when my perceptions were more in tune. So much has/had occurred with Bill and with me that I haven't been able to get back to where I was intellectually. Thank you, again, dear. Love you, Barbara

Dear Ron, I understand the loss. It is severe and a break from what we have known. What helps me, dear Ron, is having the knowledge that Bill is still with me. He will be - always. Talking to him is part of my daily routine. I loved him deeply and always will. So .... talking to him every day is only a continueance of what we have always done. We are not parted - only on a slightly diffrent dimension. Love, Barbara

Hi Carol, It's good to "see" you again. Glad you like pistachios. Recently, I've taken to snacking on sunflower seeds. There's an eerie feeling as though I've turned into a bird of sorts. Not that I don't cheat every now and again. I definitely do. Barbara

Hi Stephanie, So glad to know that you realize, as do I, that well-meaning friends can go overboard with "tips." However, this friend, who is also a therapist, has never been one to steer me wrong. He's a spreader of uplifting and good news always. I had heard about the pistachio benefits for some time now, but was in a droop and had no urge to post. Thankfully, the tide has changed a bit, and things are falling into place - inch by inch - ever so slowly. One thing I do know from five years of the cancer journey - food means a lot in the process. I would venture to propose that it has much to do with health in general. I feel so much better since making sure I eat even when it's the furthest thing from my mind. It keeps the gears oiled and running. At 75, I need all the help I can get. Barbara

Michele, I haven't been online for a time now, but yesterday was 2 months since Bill's death. As with you, the memories in this house are difficult to bear. They were good memories, but they hurt each time I enter an area. Yesterday, I needed some tools to repair something, and Bill's workroom was an invitation to release many tears. The advice about waiting a year is a sound one. It has been known that minds change over time, and things may not seem the same. Many things have occurred over the past two months to interrupt the grief process. First, Social Security had me listed as dead. That required many hours in person and on the phone to "resurrect" myself. Once one is "dead" (even in error) Medicare becomes involved. That too needed to be corrected. Our roof had been deamaged in the violent windstorm, and needed replacement. The roofers broke a window, and a rock from traffic hit the front storm door. All repairs and having to deal with them - not a good atmosphere for "getting through the sadness." Although, it has been a test of how much grit available in my bag of resources. Sorry for my rambling here, but I wanted you to know, Michele, that I am right behind you in the grieving. I offer you my hand as we "walk the walk." I keep you and all of us in my prayers, Barbara

Hello Judy and Judy, An online friend of mine for the last fourteen years plus has begun sending me helpful nutritional tips. It certainly cannot hurt a thing. As for my personal health, over the last few months my weight dropped 40 lbs. That alone could have been the reason for the hypertension meds not working the way they should. So, they have lowered the amount - and things are slowly improving, thankfully. In the meanwhile, am taking care to eat more sensibly and I have added nuts, seeds, and fruits to my regular intake. Barbara

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healt ... terol.html ARTICLE: . . . . . . . . . A handful of pistachio nuts a day can help destroy bad cholesterol, ward off heart disease and prevent cancer, say scientists. Pistachio nuts can lower cholesterol and prevent cancer say scientists Photo: GETTY The nuts are full of antioxidants that protect cells from damage by harmful chemicals, called 'free radicals'. The findings published in the Journal of Nutrition follows previous research by the same team that discovered pistachios help destroy bad cholesterol that can lead to heart attacks and stroke. Professor Penny Kris-Etherton, of Pennsylvania State University, said: "Our previous study showed the benefits of pistachios in lowering lipids and lipoproteins, which are a risk factor for heart disease. "This new study shows an additional effect of pistachios so now there are multiple health benefits of eating pistachios." She and colleagues found pistachios are much richer in the main dietary antioxidants lutein, beta-carotene and gamma-tocopherol than other nuts. Beta-carotene turns into vitamin A which prevents cancer and gamma-tocopherol is a common form of vitamin E that wards off heart disease. Lutein is found in dark green leafy vegetables and is important in vision and healthy skin. It is believed antioxidants also prevent cholesterol from moving into the blood vessel walls and causing inflammation. When the researchers tested the effects of pistachios on antioxidant levels they found participants had much more antioxidants in their blood and lower cholesterol concentrations when they ate the nuts. In the experiment, they ate three different diets for a month - a normal cholesterol lowering diet with no nuts and two other similar food regimes with 1.5 ounces and 3 ounces of pistachios respectively. Prof Kris-Etherton added: "Our results suggest that a heart-healthy diet including pistachios contributes to a decrease in serum oxidized-LDL levels, in part through cholesterol lowering, and also due to an added benefit of the antioxidants in the pistachios." . . . . . . . . . (Telegraph.co.uk, Health News, May 25, 2010) Disclaimer: The information contained in these articles may or may not be in agreement with my own opinions. They are not being posted with the intention of being medical advice of any kind.

Patricia Neal has certainly faced many battles before this, and she has seemingly the same indomitable spirit with this new challenge. She is an example to behold. I wish Patricia Neal much success. Barbara

http://www.physorg.com/news191834509.html ARTICLE: . . . . . . . . . The recent approval of Europe's first personalized treatment for lung cancer heralds the arrival of a new era for lung cancer treatment that will demand significant changes to the way cancer specialists and other hospital doctors work, a leading expert said today at the 2nd European Lung Cancer Conference in Geneva, Switzerland. Prof Robert Pirker of the Medical University of Vienna said that personalized therapy, in which treatment is based on the characteristics of an individual patient's tumor, promised to improve outcomes for patients, as well as being more cost-effective and less toxic than existing treatments. "Recently, oral treatment with the targeted drug gefitinib was shown to be superior with regard to progression-free survival compared to treatment with up to six cycles of first-line chemotherapy in patients with advanced non-small-cell lung cancer (NSCLC) who have mutations in their tumors that activate a cell-surface molecule called epidermal growth factor receptor (EGFR)," Prof Pirker said. This finding led to the approval of this drug in Europe in 2009 --but only for treating patients whose tumors carry these mutations. "Before we can offer patients gefitinib, the presence of these mutations in tumor cells has to be clearly demonstrated," he explained. In order to achieve this, doctors must perform a molecular analysis of tumor material from biopsies. "This will benefit patients, but it changes the whole diagnostic workup and requires some change in the thinking of oncologists, including closer co-operation between the various disciplines: interventional pulmonologists, pathologists, biologists, oncologists," he said. Scientists around the globe are currently probing the genetics of cancers with the aim of identifying new targets for personalized treatment. These projects, such as the International Cancer Genome Consortium, mean that testing for mutations in tumors will become routine. Eventually, tissue sampling to allow this kind of mutation testing will become standard in Europe, Prof Pirker said. But currently, there are obstacles preventing it from becoming more widespread. "The obstacles include the fact that too few doctors trained in invasive tumor sampling, that mutation analysis not yet readily available, and that there are reimbursement issues which might vary from country to country," he said. If these obstacles can be overcome, and more doctors are trained in taking lung cancer biopsies, more patients will be able to be treated with oral gefitinib, and the discovery of other new therapeutic targets will be accelerated," he said. Provided by European Society for Medical Oncology . . . . . . . . . (PYSORG.COM, news, Medicine/Health/Cancer, April 30, 2010) Disclaimer: The information contained in these articles may or may not be in agreement with my own opinions. They are not being posted with the intention of being medical advice of any kind.

Barbb, I am just getting around to reading your post. I think you are amazing. The very fact that you have come here to post, think of others, and to reach out is so comforting. Recently, March 25, 2010, Bill died and the only thing that held me together - out of necessity - was the fact that Social Security had me dead, as well. That promulgated a slew of mistakes reaching the heights of Medicare. There was little time to think, cry, or vent. The problem had to be solved. Spending 4 hours, physically waiting there, at Social Security fixed the problem, but it took weeks for the entire mess to be straightened. Part of it is still in flux. In a sense, I thought to myself, "No matter what happens, life moves on and could care less where one is in the scheme of things." Barbara

Greg, I have been reading your postings about the use of an assay for patients to determine more effective treatments, and in the long run, to lower costs. Simply put, why is that you think this is not being done on a routine basis? After all, as you pointed out, it would be advantageous in a monetary sense. My take is that patients might feel that they would not be given enough options for their treatments. The perception of lack of effective treatments on the part of those not receiving more "attempts" by their oncologists might put the stress on the research/medical community. Barbara

Hello Keli, I read your posting here and the one at GRACE. I send you a warm welcome. Your concerns about your diagnosis may be very similar to my husband, Bill, who was treated for more than five years, and had a productive, upbeat, and very near-normal life. Responding to you in a comparison is to let you know that whatever path your treatment might take, there is hope. My husband was 74 when he was diagnosed, and the verdict was that he was inoperable. That might not be your case as some doctor might see otherwise for you. Bill had concurrent radiation and chemo. That meant he had radiation every day (Mon.-Fri.) for 7 weeks, and chemotherapy once a week for 7 weeks. The shrinkage in his tumor was over 50% and he was encouraged to go for many more regimens over the years in order to lengthen his survivorship. He told me that he had no regrets about anything, so I took that to mean he was OK with it all. Today, there are so many more options for lung cancer diagnoses. For instance, they can test tumors for response or rejection to treatments - something to look into for a better outcome. There are treatments, like Tarceva, which has now been approved for use in advanced cases. So, Keli, things are changing all the time. We lived with hope and to this day, I still have that hope for others with lung cancer. Bill brainwashed me into "not giving up." Barbara

Hi Wayne, Welcome to a wonderful support group. I am sure that you will find this to be an "oasis" which can provide you with support, caring, and lots of insights. Barbara

......and Nick, that is one beautiful baby. Barbara

Judy, Glad to know that you were proactive in setting up an appointment. I am hoping and praying that you find results. Keep your focus on finding answers. No one should need to sit back and wait while in pain. Keeping you in my thoughts, Judy. Let us know how it all transpires? Barbara