lilyjohn
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Posts posted by lilyjohn
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Great idea! As one who writes pages I promise to keep it short when that is set up. By the way I have yet to see the wall of memory. Is it complete yet or am I just missing it somehow?
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How true those words are!!!!!!!!!
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I can not log onto the internet without first coming here. It seems I have become addicted to this site. If so I can not think of a better thing to be addicted to. Over the past few months I have read and shared many heartaches and fears here. I don't know if what I am feeling now could be called healing but I know it can be called Hope.
I was so unsure of myself when I made the move here. Now when I get up each morning and look out my window my heart becomes so much lighter. I'm not sure if it is the place or the people who I have "met" here probably both. For the first time sense Johnny's death I can not only see but feel the beauty that surounds me.. I find so much peace in that.
This morning there is still a thin layer of ice on my car and the yard still has traces of the light snow that fell early yesterday evening. The sky is a deep crystal blue and the hills with the evergreens against that shy takes my breath away with the beauty I see before me. I have so much to be thankful for.
I still have to worry about finding employment in the next few weeks but that does not seem so overwhelming any more. I seem to feel Johnny with me now more than I have sense the first months after his death while I lived alone and heartbroken in a stange but beautiful place. Maybe he was there to help me through that and waited here for me to find both him and myself again. I can not know that for sure but I feel him and know that our love still exhists. That along with the beauty and serenity I find here help me to go forward. All of you give me the support and strength that I need to make it through the hardest times.. Thank all of you. I am very UP now but I know too that the LOW will come again and when it does I can count on the friends I have found her to pull me through.
My love and thanks to all of you once more. Let life continue and make us all stonger in the coming months. Lets keep working and hope that someday soon there will be no need for this section of the message board. Lillian
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Hey Shirley
Do you know anything about hooking up a dryer vent? I could sure use some extra muscle to move out my washer and dryer and get that done! Just kidding but isn't it nice to be able to do that for a change? Maybe there is hope for us yet. Lillian
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I finally got my scanner working and sent Rick the pictures to post. The one of me and Johnny was taken in August 2002 just 3 weeks after he started chemo. Believe it or not that was the thinnest his hair got. It just turned from silver to white and he lost about half of it. Then as Fay and others have said it started growing back like peachfuzz. He called it the "Frizbies". Later it started turning black!
The picture of him alone was taken in 1993 when he was 60 years old. It is one of my favorites he was sooooooooo handsome! I had to post the one of us together too. My niece took it and sent it to me telling me that she had never seen me look so happy. The reason for that was because I never had been. Hope you all like them and don't mind that I sent two instead of one.I just couldn't chose. I thought Rick would decide witch one to use but was really glad to see he used them both. Thanks Rick! Lillian
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I am so very sorry Allison. The pain right now is terrible I know. We are all here for you when you need a shoulder or just want to remember and cry. That is one thing I have learned about this board, no matter what kind of support you need you will find it here. Nothing in the grieving process is unacceptable. We have our own way to handle it but the people here are always ready with a hug and prayers. Stay with us and let us support you in your dark days. Lillian
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Good news to start 2004!!!!!!!! Let's keep it coming we are all ready for a lot more. Best of luck Dave.
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That is great Shirley
One step at a time we become part of the world again. Isn't it wonderful to feel that you can actually do something?? I am learning more every day and am so thankful for that. Keep up the good work and the self pride. They look great on you!! Lillian
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Mo
Sometimes good news leaves us expecting the next shoe to fall. In otherwords we are so used to hearing bad news it is hard to accept the good. That can cause stress and anxiety and many of the symptoms that you are experiencing. Still it is better to be safe than sorry. I doubt your doctor would tell that kind of lie but again I have little faith in doctors where lung cancer is concerned.
I will tell you too that I had the flu last month. It too caused many of the symptoms that you are having. Could be that or a combination of things. Think positive, don't borrow trouble and if you can't see your oncologist go to your regular MD and see what he can tell you..
It is possible too that the good news made you overdo a little on your special day not long ago. Keep that in mind as you search for answers. God Bless you. Stay positive and know that we are all here for you when you need us. Lillian
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January 2,2004
Positive attitude can lead to enjoyment of a situation that could otherwise be stressful. That is just one of the lessons I have learned over the past few days.
I was snowed in for several days without power or heat. All in all I managed quite well under the circumstances. I decided that when the opportunity came I would go into town and get some additional supplies just in case it happens again. Instead of doing that I put it off waiting for my niece to go with me. Big mistake!!
Pat has a heart of gold but she is a procrastinator. If she can put something off she does. She has a greater need to go into town than I do. Her power is still off. She needs supplies and has business to take care of. Still with a window of two days she put off going.. This morning I woke up to see once more the snow falling. Going down to Redding today is out of the question.
I could let the situation cause me alarm or frustration but I will not do that. I see it as an opportunity and a blessing. It was not supposed to snow again until tonight. It came about 14 hours early. It could have came only 6 hours early and caught us on the road and left us stranded!! I am believing more everyday that I am being looked after and guided by both Johnny and God.
I am not sure how long the snow will last this time. It could possibly be over soon or it could be another several days. The power could go off again. If it does I will make out fine. It was Pat's idea to move here and I followed with a lot of reservations. I am quicky starting to believe that I am better equiped for this life style than she is. Should the power go off again I will tuck myself in and enjoy the beauty and the solitude. The time will be spent letting my mind wander and documenting my experiences once more. I find that by relaxing in semi darkness (at least this time I will have batteries for light) my thoughts lead to productive ideas.
I have taken my story "The Christmas Tree Saga" and made a few changes. Not in content but the number of words. It now looks more professional. I have found a place where I may be able to have it published. If so I will be happy and should the day ever come where I may make a little profit from my writing I will dedicate at least 5% to our message board. I know life has a purpose. Maybe I have suffered so much loss so I could find mine. I am hoping that I am right about that. Believing it helps soothe my battered spirit.
So I say that I have learned new lessons. They are: Adversity makes me stronger, take joy wherever you can find it, depend more on myself than others, I am much stronger than I ever would have thought myself to be and above all life is filled with lessons.
I have paid a heavy price for my love for Johnny. At times I have asked God why. No matter what the reason I know one thing for sure as I may have said once before, the love we shared was and is priceless!! On that note I will close and say that may this new year bring us all peace, love, joy and enlightenment!
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Sense this is a place for sharing humor I wll share a part of my Johnny with you. He was born in Oklahoma and tho gone from there for nearly 60 years never lost all of his accent. He had a keen sense of humor and even tho his public schooling ended in his sophomore year he was well read. He never was one to let a loss of words cause him a problem.
When he first started the process of being diagnosed an appointment was made for him to see a urinologist. When reporting the news to his daughter-in-law he forgot the name of the specialist so without missing a beat instead of saying he was going to see a urinologist he said"They have me and appointment with a Peterologist"!!!!!!!!!!
It's nice to remember his humor. He was one in a million! That's my Johnny!
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Amen!!!!!!!!!! I couln't have survived this last year without my faith. When it was at it's lowest point I was lifted up by the love of God. I believe and that is the only thing that can keep me going.
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Misty my little half miniture pug and half wire terrier(Johnny called her his little Gremlyn) says if clover is in good shape maybe she can whip him now if he is under 200 pounds!! She only weighs about 8 pounds but she thinks she is a Husky!!!!!!!!! Anyway welcome home Clover. I hope you live a long and healty life and stay away from those bullies like Misty!!
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I am rereading a book by Dr. Norman Vincent Peal "The power of positive thinking". I just saw a quote he has in this book and his additional words and I thought how fitting they are for this site. Thought I would share them.
Dr.Karl Menninger"Attitudes are more important than facts" Dr. Peal follows up by saying "Any fact facing us, however difficult,even seemingly hopeless, is not so important as our attitude toward that fact. How you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it".
I think I see that echoed on this board everyday only in different words. From what I have witnessed it is so true! Lillian
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Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!! I can't think of a better way to start the New Year!!
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Happy and HEALTHY New Year to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Pam
Your story touches my heart. I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have endured along with the fear. You and your dad were so lucky that he at least got to see your daughter. I am assuming that she is doing well and growing now.. You have much to be thankful for in that area but much to grieve with the loss of your dad.
Johnny was expecting two grandchildren when he died. The first was born just 2 weeks after his death. He was looking forward to those babies so much but he never made it. I have heard it said that when someone dies and there is a new baby born the one who dies becomes the baby's guardian angel. Your little girl has her own special angel watching over her now.. I pray that you never have to go so much again but dispite all you have gained one precious gift and heaven has gained another. God bless you and I hope the new year is kinder to you. Lillian
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Annie
My heart prayers and thoughts are with you. I pray that you are given what ever you need most at this time. Lillian
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Hi Everyone
I have been snowbound sense late Sunday night. No computer, no lights no phone and no heat. I had a lot of time to just sit and think. I came up with an idea that looks pretty good to me so I have decided to go with it.
I wrote a message that I am going to send to all of my family and friends. It may not do a lot but again who knows. I think it is time we get our message to as many as we can on a personal level. Just in speaking to family in the past week I have learned of two extended family members with lung cancer and one that died Christmas day. I also heard a lot of the attitude that we are hoping to change. That is one of the reasons for my message. I envite you to read it and if you like do the same thing I am doing. Feel free to add anything I may have missed. Lillian
My Message
I am sending this letter to all of my family and friends with one simple request. I ask that you read it, think about it and pass it along to others.
I make no promises of miracles in your life within a certain amount of days. My only promise is that you may become a part of a ripple of understanding. Just remember every tidal wave starts as a ripple somewhere.
Lung Cancer!!! Two of the most frightening words there are!. Every year thousands of people around the world fight this beast. The disease itself plays havoc with a persons life. Add the stigma and attitude that accompany those words and often the beast becomes twice as deadly.
Lung cancer is one of the largest killers in the world. Every year it takes more lives than most other cancers combined yet research into the causes and treatment are the most under funded. Why?
Sense smoking has become associated with lung cancer it has become known as a smokers disease.That is very misleading. A large percentage of people who develope lung cancer don't smoke, never have smoked and have never been exposed to excessive amounts of cigarett smoke. Of all the people who smoke 15 % will develope lung cancer. What protects the other 85%?
I am not saying that smoking does not play a part in developing lung cancer. I am certain it does just as asbestos and radon do. Could not all of these things only be triggers not the cause? No one knows because of the lack of research.
Lets say you have 100 people in a room with one large bowl of potato salad. If 30 of them become extemely ill you would investigate. If you found out that 15 people ate the potato salad you would investigate more. Upon learning that only one of the people who had the potato salad was ill would you assume that they all had food poisoning?
My example may not be the best but it is close to what has happend to research into the causes of lung cancer. If the cause is never known for sure how can a cure be found?
There is also another side to the problems caused by attitude. The survival statistics are very low. Because of that most people hear the words and think of death. That attitude can lead to behavior that keeps the statistics low. That happens for 2 reasons. Hope is taken away and the very people that a person with lung cancer has to trust their life to have little belief that a person can beat the beast.
With any other sickness encluding other kinds of cancer doctors face it with the attitude that it can be beaten. They are cautious with treatment and will not give any medications that could be detrimental. Lung cancer is a different story!
When I questioned a professional about giving medications that were advised against or mixing medications that were warned against I got a very frightening answer. I was told that once lung cancer is diagnosed all precaustions are no longer considered. I can not help but wonder if this were changed or these deadly coctails listed as the cause of death once in a while how much would the statistics change?
While searching for a way to make a difference and change these attitudes as well as help me to handle my own loss, I came across a message board called "lung cancer survivers for change". There are many loving and wonderful people there. We share fear, triumph and heartache. We console those of us who have suffered the loss of a loved one as only those who have been there can. We have many things in common. We are all survivers. Some are long term survivers for many years and others like myself are caregivers who have lost a loved one. Many are still engaged in the hardest battle of their lives either as the patient themselves or loved ones who are being taken along for the ride. We have no funding yet our group works relentlessly to get the word out and change the stigma and attitude toward lung cancer. We send letters to congress and the media requesting more research funding and support for changing these attitudes. I personaly want to carry it one step further. I believe there is a need to reach out to people on a personal level. That is the reason for this letter.
We have at our fingertips the fastest medium for sending information. The internet and spacifically email. I am asking you to pass this letter along. Help me start a ripple. Then maybe somday you or one of your loved ones will have a better chance of survival should you ever hear the dreaded words "lung cancer"
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HI Dean
Your post really caught my eye but it has taken me a while to decide exactly how to reply to what you are going through. I like everyone will tell you that I too have my late night (and sometimes middle of the day) ramblings and sessions of what ifs and all of the other things that go with it. Unlike you I can not understand totaly because I have so far been fortunate enough not to know cancer from the same view that you do. Johnny on the other hand did. I saw what those doubts and yes fears did to him. It was not pleasant for either of us.
Johnny grew up during the deprsion in a family that was very much tied to church and religeon. It left a permanant mark on him. He was taught about Heaven and Hell and that a person stood little chance to achieve one or avoid the other. Because of that and a past that many would call I guess the word would be in some ways unsavory (LIke you wrote in one of your earlier posts he had his time of drinking, 000 and very lose women) he had a tremendous fear of death dispite his strong faith in God. Add the anxiety with no support from either the docters or his family and he lived in his own hell here on Earth. I was there for him but as much as I love him there was not a lot that I knew at the time about cancer and the fear and anxiety that can go with it. I was a novice.. A well meaning novice but one just the same. When he would waken at night and not go back to sleep I didn't understand. Now I do.
Often times I would watch him and in my heart I could imagine what he was going through but I had no support to help me better understand. This message board tho coming too late for Johnny has been a God send for me. This post of yours will do incredable things for anyone who finds themselves in the position I was in just a year and few months ago. You are an incredable and unselfish person. I hate to see you on this path as I do so many others. Still I can't help but think that there is a purpose for each of us being where we are. Life is not always fair but I believe there is a reason for everything. You are touching so many people. I have little doubt that the reason you are on the path that you are is so you can help others...
By the way I want to add that your paintings are incredable. Your talent is very great. You sound so much like my Johnny in many ways. I think the two of you could have been great friends. Believe me coming from me that is the highest compliment I could ever give.
God Bless you and keep you well. I don't think you can see the end of your road yet. You still have a lot more people to comfort and inspire with your loving spirit. My best to you and your wife during this Joyful yet painful season. Lillian
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Mo wonderful news. Thank God. Hope to see more postings with the same good news. Lillian
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I read what all of you say and I can tell you that I have experienced the same things. I get so tired of people telling me to get on with my life or that Johnny wouldn't want me to grieve for so long. How do they know what he would want? Most of the ones who say that never knew him! Then you get the same .ones saying that they know how you feel What a crock that is. How could they possibly know having never been where we are right now? I want to talk about Johnny. I want to relive the laughter and the love and even the pain. They are all that I have left of him.
Don't you feel the same way?? Don't you get upset when you try to say something about the one you lost and everyone acts like they want to say" oh no not that again"?
I posted this poem once before but again I think it goes well here. It pretty much says it all. Someday maybe we can be lucky enough to change not only the attitude about lung cancer but the attitude of others toward our loss. Until then we have only one another who will know and care how we really feel. Lillian
The Elephant in the Room.
By: Terry Kettering
There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we sqeeze by with, "How are you?" and, "I'm fine".....
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else--except the elephant in the room.
There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please say her name again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say "Barbara" to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me
Alone.......
In a room.........
With an elephant.
Seven Wonders of the World
in HOPE
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Donna
I recieve numerous things everyday by email. Everyone has something that they want to have forwarded. None have said so much and to the point in so few words. Would you mind if I copied that story and used it to start a forward to the people that I correspond with..? I know many who could use that kind of eye opener! Lillian