lilyjohn
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Posts posted by lilyjohn
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I'm on that list of prayers for you too. Hope they get off thier buns and get it to you today. As for the weakness it seems that you have had a lot of exertion lately both physical and emotional. That would wear anyone down. Hoping that all ends today when your scooter will be delivered. Now that is what I pray for that you get it today and it boosts your energy and muscle power. Keep at them but please try to relax. All that tension will only make you feel worse.
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I haven't seen anything about Norme and Buddy lately. Does anyone know how he is doing? It seems it has been nearly a week in fact I think it was on chat night that she stopped in for a minute then nothing else.
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> >Why We Love Children
> >
> >1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.
> >
> >"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> >
> >"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
> >innocently.
> >
> >You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> >
> >"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
> >
> >didn't move."
> >
> >
> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
> >
> >Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
> >
> >"What?"
> >
> >"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
> >
> >"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
> >
> >Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
> >
> >"WHAT?"
> >
> >"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> >
> >I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
> >
> >Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
> >
> >"WHAT!"
> >
> >"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
> >
> >
> >3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
> >
> >finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> >
> >The boy thought it over and said,
> >
> >"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
> >
> >until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
> >
> >a mother was tucking her son into bed.
> >
> >She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
> >voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
> >
> >The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
> >
> >"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
> >
> >A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
> >
> >"The big sissy."
> >
> >5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's
> >
> >sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
> >
> >One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
> >
> >as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
> >
> >"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
> >
> >The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
> >
> >"Yes, and my Mom says it's a witch to iron."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
> >
> >came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
> >
> >the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
> >
> >I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
> >
> >"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
> >
> >"Two plus five, that son of a witch is seven.
> >
> >Three plus six, that son of a witch is nine...."
> >
> >His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
> >
> >The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
> >
> >"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
> >
> >"Yes," he answered.
> >
> >Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
> >
> >teaching my son in math?"
> >
> >The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> >
> >The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son
> >
> >of a witch is four?"
> >
> >After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was,
> >
> >two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
> >
> >
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little
> >
> >to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little
trie
d
> >to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
> >
> >Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
> >falling!"
> >
> >The teacher paused then asked the class,
> >
> >"And what do you think that farmer said?"
> >
> >One little girl raised her hand and said,
> >
> >"I think he said: 'Holy shi_! A talking chicken!'"
> >
> >The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
> >
> >
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
> >
> >"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
> >
> >Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
> >
> >The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
> >
> >"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
> >
> >She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
> >
> >
> >
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
> >boys?"
> >
> >Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."
> >
> >The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
> >
> >"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
> >
> >She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
> >
> >eating a snack cake.
> >
> >The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
> >Twinkie."
> >
> >
> >She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
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Hi Shirley
I'm not sure why your post caught my attention. I came on just a few months ago and never knew your husband.. I saw the outpouring of emotions at his death so I can see how greatly he was loved.
My situation is different from yours in some ways but when you lose someone who is the heart of you it makes little difference what the circumstances are. Johnny was my first love and we were seperated because he was much older that I was. I was a young teenager. I was married for many years and two years ago I was divorced. I found Johnny again.
We had been together less than a week when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Five short months later he was dead. Like in your case it happened suddenly and unexpectedly. I have always suspected that he too had an undiagnosed fungus infection. My hopes and dreams of the new life that we promised each other was gone in a flash.
It makes no difference the length of your time together it is the depth of your love that counts. The first few months I was consumed by my grief. I couldn't sleep nor could I eat. I lost interest in eveything. Nothing was as important as the pain that was tearing me apart. I heard all of the things that people think they should say. The worst was "you have to get on with your life" What life? My life had ended the day his did. Then of coarse there was the " I know how you feel" How can anyone know how I feel? Everyone is different. I had no one to talk to. His kids were indifferent and mine were three thousand miles away. They didn't know Johnny.
I had to move from there in just five short months because I couldn't stand to be alone. Still I didn't want any company. When other people were around I felt like they were robbing me of something. The time i needed with my Johnny. I'm not sure if it was because of forgetting so much when we had been seperated or if it is just normal but I was so afriad that I would forget something about our life together. I needed even the painful memories because I wanted to hold on to every little piece of him that I could get.
It has been over a year now. I am not consumed every day with pain. I have minutes even hours that I can think of him and not fall completly apart. Is the pain less? No it is just as painful now as it was then. The difference is that I have those small breaks that I didn't have at that time. I still can't find interest in things that used to be important to me. I find myself sitting for hours just looking out the window and day dreaming. I can't hold a conversation without mentioning his name several times. I think about him day and night.
I guess what I am saying to you is that greif is an individual thing but there are many common things too. You do what ever you have to do to get from one day to the next. Don't ever wash that undershirt. I washed Johnny's underclothes and wish that I hadn't. I have the last pants and shirt that he wore and have never washed it and never will. I still sleep snuggled with his robe everynight. I had to eventually wash it but that is okay. The pants and shirt hang in the closet and I can hug them or smell them whenever I want or need to. I know that it is impossibe but sometimes I can swear that his scent is still on them. I think that is maybe just him letting me know that he is still around. His gift to me.
Finding this board was a life saver to me. The people here have helped me through some very hard times. I wish that I could tell you that it gets easier but I can't. It just gets a little more bearable for periods of time. If I am lucky I can get those to stretch out longer. Other days I want to cover my head and stay in bed. I want to forget but still I am afraid to forget. Yes life goes and and we have to live. It is just a far different life than what we wanted or expected. You are welcome here and in all of our prayers. I didn't know your husband but there are many of us that are sisters in grief here. I wish none of us had to be here but sense we are we welcome you with open arms.
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Subject: Keep your fork
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things
"in order," she contacted her Minister and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures
she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the Minister was preparing to leave when the
young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.
"What's that?" came the Minister's reply.
"This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be
buried with a fork in my right hand."
The Minister stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite
what to say.
"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.
"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the Minister.
The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story,
and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to
those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.
In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that
when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would
inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part
because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate
cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!"
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my
hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?" Then I want you to
tell them: "Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come."
The Minister's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young
woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see
her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better
grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be
like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and
knowledge.
She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were
walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the fork placed in her
right hand. Over and over, the Minister heard the question
"What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Minister told the people of the conversation he had
with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the
fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could
not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not
be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind
you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare
jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They
lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their
hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be
there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when
it may be their time to "Keep your fork."
Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share ... being friends
with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.
A Friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back
to you when you have forgotten the words
. "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there."
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The most recent posts of Fay and Dean have brought a lot of raw emotions to the surface. I for one feel that is a very good and healthy thing. You can only learn to handle things when you face them head on be it emoitions or disease.
I have read and reread both of those posts and replys as well as many other recent posts. One thing stands out in all of them. That is what I wish to comment on right now.
Dispite all of the positive attitude we put forth on this board as well as the knowledge that we have all gained one thing is very clear. Most if not all of us still harbor deep down many of the attitudes that we are tring so frantically to change. I even made the comment that because I had smoked I have a very strong chance of developing lung cancer. If we can not change our own attitudes, no matter how deeply they lie, how can we expect to change them in others?
I say let's all start practicing a new discription of lung cancer. I prefer to use this definition. "Lung cancer is a POTENTIONALLY fatal disease. There is no KNOWN cure."
I come to this conclusion for these reasons. 1. Many people develope lung cancer and do NOT die from it. 2. I believe that there is a cure for everything, possibly a natural cure. It is just not known or made available at this time.
It is my intention to tell myself and everyone that I know this definition from now on. Maybe in time we will not only all believe it but it will be proven to be true..
I firmly believe that there is a reason for every minute that a person lives on this Earth. Each and everyone of us touch many lives every single day. If a life it taken or cut short before a person's natural time those whose life they may have touched are cheated. Life is precious any way you choose to live it. The choice is always an individual choice but so is attitude. Let's all make sure that if a person with lung cancer dies it is because of the illness not attitude!
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At first I thought that I would PM you with my message. I often feel that my views are seen as radical and cause people to feel uneasy. I have decided that what I have to say is my opinion and I have the right to say what I feel and continue to post both my feelings and beliefs.
I do not have lung cancer. I say that because I have not been diagnosed with that disease. The posibility that I will someday is very strong. I lost my mother to lung cancer and smoked for many years. Just because I do not have the disease at this time does not mean that I haven't felt it or lived with it.
While dealing with Johnny's disease as well as my mother"s I saw most of the attitudes that Fay speaks of. I believe beyond a doubt that the attitude of both the doctors and the general public goes a long way toward making lung cancer a fatal disease instead of a chronic one. I also saw how patient's rights are ignored.
I have said before and will say it again. It is your body, your life and your choice. No one has the right to fault you or anyone else who chooses to not actively fight this disease with aggresive treatment any more than they have the right to fault the ones who do choose to fight it. Because you are not using many of the treatments available does NOT mean that you have given up or are not fighting. In many ways you are fighting harder than most. I respect your decison and above all your right to make that decision.
You are certainly not going "quietly into the night". I seriously doubt that you have ever done anything quietly in your life. Why start now? It takes a lot of courage to make the decision that you have made and even more to stick with it. Your posts are both supportive and compassionate to those who have chosen to take the oposite route and those who are still in the process of deciding or learning what is availabe to them.. Never doubt your importance to this group or any other. Your wisdom and insight are remarkable and welcome. I find your posts inspiring and touching.
As for the attitude that Fay speaks of I can understand her frustrations because many of those things led directly to Johnny's death. He chose to fight his disease but the option was taken out of his hands and his rights were denied. Not only denied but abused. Because of that my main concern is that no matter what choice a person makes their wishes should be the only ones condidered. Your quality of life is your business and you are the only one who knows what that quality is. Johnny knew that dispite his disease his quality of life was the best it had ever been. It is all in the perspective of the one who is living that life. No one else has the right to make that judgement.
When I first started visiting lung cancer message boards I posted the paper that I wrote "It's time for a change". I got many interesting and informative letters. One I recieved was from a man fighting lung cancer. He told me that his doctor had told him that there was nothing more that he could do for him. He was told to go home and get his affairs in order. He had about three months to live. Once out of the hands of the doctors he took matters into his own hands. All of the things that he had wanted to try that his doctors had told him would not only not help but cause him harm he decided to try. If there was no hope what could it cost him. The letter that he wrote to me was written six years after his doctor sent him home to die. The bottom line is that God and God alone knows and decides when it is our time to go.How we travel the road until then is our choice and can only be decided by us.
Like you I tend to speak my mind and from my heart. I say what I feel and hope that people understand. If not that is not for me to worry about. I have too many other things that I have to be concerned about. I may not have cancer in my body but I have it in my mind and in my heart. Everyday of my life I fight it's effects on my life. Often times coming to these boards leave me sad, upset or even feeling hopeless. I support and care for everyone here. I wish that everyone of you could have a long and fulfilling life without cancer. I pray everyday for a cure. Am I upset because my Johnny died so soon and did not have the chance that others do to fight for his life? Your damned right I am and I am sure that I am not alone in those feelings. Maybe I am just too open in admitting what I feel. If so and someone takes offence then I am sorry. It is just my nature like yours to be honest about what I feel. I can be no other way..
You my friend are deeply loved respected and above all needed. Keep your chin up and do whatever it takes to make your life easy. We are here for you as you have been here for us. Bless you and your family. You still have a lot of fight left in you and in many ways it is taking more to fight the things that you fight than anyone else can imagine. Lillian
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Three cheers for you Fay. Keep up the good spirit and keep giving them hell any chance you get. Don't forget to add that NO ONE has the right to judge your quality of life but YOU! It is time someone finally spoke up and said what all or most of us feel. I give you credit for having the guts to be the one to do it. I agree 100% with everything that you said. God bless you and may you live many many more years.
I suggest that each time you make another year you find a way to rub their noses in it. The same for everyone else. Go to them and tell them "you wanted to give up on me but I didn't. I'm here for one more year what do you think of that?" Remind them too that it was your doing not theirs. Maybe someday they will wake up and smell the roses instead of all the sh** they dish out.
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GRANDMA
:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never hav e noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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Subject: A New Car....
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night.
He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.
The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and
asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this
afternoon."
"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of
here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady.
"And besides we are waiting".
"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.
The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."
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An elderly couple were having dinner in a resturant. The husband says to his wife "Remember the first time we made love. It was in back of this resturant up against the fence. Want to do it again?" She answered yes and they started out of the door.
The man at the next table was listening and desided to follow the, He thought that should be quite a show. As the went out the door he was at a discreet distance behind.
The passed through the parking lot and found the fence. She threw down her walker and he dropped his cane and they started to make love. The longer they went the more amazed the man watching was. He wondered if his parents were still so active. Finally after about a half hour they fell to the ground. They pulled their clothes back into place and she took her walker and he his cane an started back toward the resturant.
The man just couldn't stand it he had to ask so he approached them. "Pardon me. I didn't mean to spy on you but that was the most fantasitic sex I have ever seen. Can you tell me your secret?" The old man said "sure I can tell you. That fence wasn't electric fifty years ago."
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This is so addictive!!!!!!!! After about a half hour and 9 out of 10 misses I managned to beat all of you. 588.6 then next highest 587.6 after that it was all down hill. My arm feels like I actually was swinging the bat.
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That's God
in HOPE
I recieved this in my email this morning. It helped lift me out of a bad state. Then I read Tbones beautiful post and it reinforces this message. God saw what I needed and sent it to me. This is the email and how true it is.
Have you ever been just sitting there and all of a sudden you feel like doing something nice for someone you care for. . THAT'S GOD . . . He talks to you through the Holy Spirit.
Have you ever been down and out and nobody seems to be around for you to talk to. ....
THAT'S GOD . . . He wants you to talk to Him.
Have you ever been thinking about somebody that you haven't seen in a long time
and then next thing you know you see them or receive a phone call from them. . ....
THAT'S GOD . there is no such thing as coincidence.
Have you ever received something wonderful that you didn't even ask for, like money in the mail,
a debt that had mysteriously been cleared, or a coupon to a department store
where you had just seen something you wanted, but couldn't afford. . .
THAT'S GOD . . . He knows the desires of your heart.
Have you ever been in a situation and you had no clue how it is going to get better, but now you look back on it. . .THAT'S GOD . . . He passes us through tribulation to see a brighter day.
DO YOU THINK THAT THIS E-MAIL WAS ACCIDENTALLY SENT TO YOU?
NOPE!
I was thinking of You! Please pass this along and share the Power of God.
In all that we do, we should totally give HIM thanks and our blessings will continue to multiply.
This message was sent to me by a close friend so please pass it on to all of your good friends.
Keep this going for an eternity.
NOW THAT'S GOD!!!!!!!!
Don't tell GOD how big your storm is.
Tell the storm how BIG your GOD is!
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Thank You Tbone
I woke about an hour ago and this was promising to be one of those days when my resovle was gone. I feel the emotions of loss and pain stirring in me. I recieved an email that lifted me up then I read this wonderful post. It reinforces what I found in my email. I needed it so badly today. Bless you for sharing. Lillian
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Norme
I pray that you and Buddy both find strength and peace.
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I too enjoy John Edwards books as well as others on the subject. I started reading them after I had several experiences that I can not explain away. I speak of one in a post I made in the general area "experiences or dreams" That one could be explained away by saying I was dreaming tho I know that I have never before or sense had a dream as vivid as that experience was. There have been many more at least a hundred sense my Johnny's death a little over a year ago. This is the first time that I have experienced anything like that so it leaves me awed and comforted. They also leave me confused at times because I think everyone believes me to be stange for talking about such things.
None the less these things happen and no one can explain them any other way. I believe our loved ones are always near and give us what we need to continue our life. They just don't interfere. I hope that you continue to have those experiences. They really help. As for John Edward good luck. I would love to go too but he is booked years in advance.
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I was going to get dressed and take Misty out early but instead I find myself here. I have this incredable urge to write about those first terrible lost days after Johnny first left this world. I have learned that when these times come to follow whatever my mind or heart tells me. There seems to always be a reason.
I went to bed after midnight last night and still was awake about five this morning. I woke up in the same position that I fell asleep on my right side with Johnny's robe snuggled in my arms. I slept so hard and so soundly and it is getting to be something that happens almost everynight.
At first I didn't get up but lay there trying to go back to sleep. I needed to go to the bathroom and am not sure if it was that or the sound of the rain that woke me. After a while I got up and came in here. I turned the light on and put my coffee to brew. The clock showed that it was nearly five thirty. I took my time with my coffee then came here to check my email. Then once more returned to my recliner. I am so restless this morning. I'm not sure why. I opened the curtains around seven and sat waiting for daylight. I had the quilt that I am working on in my lap as I watched the dark disapear and daylight slowly take over. I see up on the top of the hills that it snowed up there but it never came this low. Here it is only rain.
My restlessness has taken over and now I find that I can do none of the things I had planned until I write here. So now I will write about those painful lost days of December 2002 and the weeks that followed.
I had gone to our apartment that first day after I got home from the hospital and intended to spend the night there alone. I was in so much pain that I had trouble functioning. I had no idea where to turn or what to do. How could I go on without my Johnny? What was the purpose of living? All I knew was that deep all consuming pain. Johnny Ray called me and asked me to go back to his house he wanted to talk more about the arrangements for Johnny. He wasn't satisfied with what had been decided any more than I was. He also told me to come and spend the night, that I shouldn't be alone..
I went to his house and we talked. We agreed that there was no hurry to spread Johnny's ashes. I told him that I was glad about that because I felt that it would just be throwing him away and I didn't think he would want that. I spent the night there in the bed that Johnny had held me in so many times. I was exhausted from not having any sleep for nights but the little sleep I had was painful and sparatic. The pain inside of me was so intense that nothing could ease it.. That set a pattern for the next few weeks.
I would set up until I was so tired that it seemed that I would just pass out but when I went to bed sleep wouldn't come. All of the questions about his death would go over and over in my mind. There seemed to be no relief from those questions as I relived his last days hundreds of times day and night. Nothing that I did helped. I tried drinking a glass of wine at night or hot ovaltine but still I would wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed. Nearly everynight I seemed to get an answer to one of the questions that I was asking. My memory seemed to provide what I needed to get those answers. Still my nights never improved and my days were spent in lonliness and desperation. I began to feel that once I got the answers to all of my questions I could go back in time and change things.. I felt that I would have my Johnny back with me. I knew that I was living my nightmare that had haunted me for so many years.
I would go to Johnny Ray's house but felt out of place and lost. I worked helping him move and clean both houses and stayed with the children while they were at the hospital when little Johnny Ray was born. I would work until I felt like I would drop but still my nights were long and troubled. I slept little and often went days without eating more than a few bites. I lost interest in everything. My house never got cleaned and I left my bills go until I was late paying them. I needed to find work but couldn't make myself try to get a job.. I was in a state of limbo. Waiting. I was just waiting for my Johnny to come back to me. If I left the house for any reason I couldn't stay gone for more than a few minutes before that need to be home would overpower me and I would rush back to be near his things and try to feel him near me. Every room and each thing in them were reminders. I could see those things and remember him there. I had to start forcing myself to go out for any reason and then I would rush home. I talked to him constantly telling him goodby when I left and letting him know that I was back when I returned... I was falling apart and wasting away. I could see it happening and didn't know how to stop it.. I really didn't want to stop it. All I could think of was being with my Johnny again.
Christmas came and went with those lonely aching days tearing my heart out. Those were the days that I had planned to make so special for myself and Johnny. I would have been our first Christmas together. On New Years eve I lost control on my way home after seeing the container with his ashes.. Then the song "I believe" came on the radio and I felt as if Johnny was there telling me to listen and believe that he was with me. It was just a night or two later that the first of two things happened that would finally allow me some nights of rest.
I had been thinking about some things I had written about Johnny and I. I knew that what I was writing was incomplete and was thinking if there was any way that I could add to it without causing anyone pain. So much of it should have been about his pain over the way his sons treated him with indifference and even hostility at times. I was questioning myself as to wether I should enclude that in what I was writing. My computer was on and the screen saver was so bright that I couldn't concentrate so I closed my eyes. As soon as my eyes were closed I saw Johnny. He was walking from the living room into the bedroom. I recognized the clothes that he was wearing and saw as he moved the oxygen hose aside so he wouldn't trip on it. I opened my eyes and called out to him but he was gone. I lay there waiting for him to return but he didn't. Soon I slept. For the first time sense his death I really slept for a few hours. It was a sleep that left me rested and when I woke I didn't feel like I had just been thinking all night. That day was easier to get through than any had been so far. I felt that he was very close.
Less than a week later I was to have the stongest experience that I have had. It would be one that I still remember in detail. I don't even have to close my eyes to relive that night. It was so real and I know that I was not sleeping when it happened. I was asleep at first but I was awakened to share the rest of that experience with my Johnny.
I had fallen into one of my restless sleeps when all of a sudden I felt someone touch me. I jumped and looked over my shoulder and Johnny was there. He was in just a t shirt and I could see where his arms left the sleeves and I could see how it fit loosly over his chest. I saw his hair and even the black hairs of his beard that had appeared so strangely and suddenly that last Sunday of his life. He spoke to me but I didn't see his mouth moving. I just heard what he was saying. He said "it's alright I just want to snuggle you". I lay down again and felt his arms around me and felt as he pulled my feet and legs to mingle with his like he had always done. I got up once to use the bathroom and when I got back into bed I once more felt his arms around me. I slept harder than I had slept in months. When I awoke the next moring I was in the same position I had gone to sleep in. His robe that I snuggled was on the far side of the bed nearly falling in the floor. There was just enough room for him between it and me. When I had gone to bed the night before I had put it to my back and pulled the arm across me to pretend that it was him.. Now I found it so far away and I knew that it had not been a dream. I know that Johnny was with me that night to comfort me and give me the rest that I needed. Without that night of sleep I doubt that I could have gone on much longer.
Now everytime I have more than one of those restless nights that leave me so exhausted and unable to function I will have another of the nights where I sleep so sound. I always wake up in the same position that I fell asleep in and each time I have the feeling that Johnny has been with me snuggleing me and watching over me.
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Dear Annie
There are no words to say how sorry I am for your loss. To say that Tim is in a better place is little comfort to you now but I think we both know that it is the truth. I pray that you are given whatever you need to get you throught this time of deep sorrow.
When I first posted on this board I was so lost and you were one of the first if not the very first to answer my post. I have thought of you and Tim often. Please come here whenever you feel strong enough..We will all be here for you.. PM me or email me anytime. I will always be here to listen or try to help in any small way that I can.. My heart goes out to you and your family. God bless and look after all of you. Lillian
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I don't have any advice for you but I do have something to say. In one more day you will be a one year surviver. I hope that is the first of many. Congratulations!!!!!!!!Lillian
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I have told myself that I was going to stop posting so many of my thoughts here but two posts have changed my mind. Peg's post about her husband's doctor's remark and Ann's post about dreams along with the replys have started me doing some serious thinking. I just have to share my thoughts. If what I say is too long (like it usually is I know) just read what you feel like then move on.
All we have to do is read the daily posts here to know how much faith everyone here has. I'm sure there are many who have had a strong faith all of their lives. There are others too that have turned to faith for the answers this terrible disease has them searching for.. I believe there is a major difference in religion and faith. Religion is taught. Faith comes from within. How many times have we prayed but really lacked faith that our prayers would be answered? To be honest I will say that I have felt that way in most cases. There are times that I can remember when my prayers were answered. There is at least one time when I felt that my faith had betrayed me by letting me trust then having my life turned upside down with me left bleeding inside.
Doctors are triained in the science of healing or treating a person's body. They spend so much time on learning the things that can be proven with numbers or scientific theory that they have no time to consider the effects of love, hope and above all faith. They have been taught that there is no cure for cancer. They have no proof that they can point to and say here it is in black and white. When they have a new patient they offer what they see is the best medical treatment at the time. They may believe they are doing the best they can for a patient but they really have little if any faith that the patient can be saved. There are no numbers in black and white that say this persons faith pulled them through or the love this person has been blessed with has healed them. So they ignore what to us is obvious. That is why they make remarks like that doctor made to Peg and her husband and like the one that nurse made that cost my Johnny his life.
Could it possibly be that these doctors are going by their personal experience with their patients? Could it be that the reason they have had so little success in healing someone with cancer is because of that lack of faith? Just a few things I believe are worth thinking about. If you told one of these doctors that you were going to a phycic for answers they would laugh at you. They don't even see that they are acting like a phycic themselves. They are trying to tell the future with as little evidence as the ones they would condemn.
Now about dreams and experiences. That too goes back to the basic question of faith. When we are children we believe what we see. We see it and know that we see it. Unfortunately we also believe what we are taught to believe. Often what we are taught is that what we see is impossible. As we get older if we see something that can not be explained we dismiss it or tell ourselves that we imagined it. What a shame that we are not as trusting in ourselves as we were before we were trained to not believe. Christ told us that He died so we can have everlasting life. He told us that that if we believe in Christ that we will NEVER die. Not that we will die and someday have everlasting life. This is the basic teaching of Christianity yet most churches would frown on you if you told them that you see your loved one who is gone. Most believe that a person who seeks to know that their loved one is near are tempting satin to enter their lives. That makes us keep a door closed that would otherwise give us what we need to help find peace.
How many of us have seen a child playing alone and talking as if there is someone by their side? How many have heard a child talking on the phone and laughed at their game? When a child tells you that they are talking to Grandpa or that Grandma was playing a game with them do you believe them or just think what an imagination they have? Did it ever cross your mind that they are just telling it like it is?
I have lost so many loved ones over the years. Never once did I really feel that they were near me. When Johnny died I was left so alone and so lost. I needed to know that he was okay. I also needed to know that I was not alone. I talked to him from the very first day. I begged for answers and one by one I have recieved what I have asked for and what I have needed. Often those things have come to me in ways that never would have entered my mind. They have also came to me in ways that never would have been possible just a few short years ago. I know now that there were times that I felt other loved ones who had died around me. I chose to not believe because I was surrounded by people who would never understand or comprehend the things that I had felt or seen. It was easier to brush them off than feel like I was looked at as different or strange.
When my need was the greatest it had ever been I opened my mind and my heart. I not only found the signs and things that I need to keep me going but I found the faith that I had always sought but never really knew. Christ died to give us life. He also taught us that love is the greatest force their is. I say trust what He told us and what is in your heart. Everything else will fall into place. Maybe someday that doctor that spoke so coldly to Peg and her husband as well as that nurse that took away Johnny's hope will have occasion of their own to learn what they have missed for so long.
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I think I would tell him right then in front of your husband that luck has nothing to do with it. Tell him that he just doesn't know what love, faith and hope can do and until he does to keep his comments to himself. I'm extra sensitive to this kind of talk and thinking because it cost Johnny his live and left me alone.
It is time these people learn that there is more to life than science and they don''t know everything no matter how much they think they do.
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Andrea
Take a day off from cancer and enjoy your shower. No one wants you to feel guilty. This is your special day and your mom would be the very last one to want to take the happiness it should bring you away.
Cancer robs us of so much when it comes into our lives. It takes away our peace of mind and our security. Sometimes it takes our dreams and our future. What it doesn't take it batters until those things are so worn that sometimes we don't recognize them. Don't let it take anything else from you and your family.
Your mom has started fighting it already with her treatments. Now it is up to you to start fighting it with your life. Live your life. Win this one battle then go out and fight to win the next. If you can't win this battle with this beast how can you expect your mom to win her's?
Every day we see on here where someone is either fighting or winning one small battle at a time. That is really how most wars are won. One battle at a time. Just like one step at a time and one day at a time. You have to start somewhere. Please start tomorrow. Give that special day to not only yourself but your mom as well. If she sees you having a good time she will feel comfortable and maybe she can forget for a while. A rested mind and spirit are stonger for the next battle.
Thumb your nose at cancer for at least this one day! Let it know that it has a long fight ahead of it and you will be up for the fight right along side of your mom.
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DREAMS ????
in GRIEF
Katie this may sound off the wall but here goes. Talk to him. Tell him what you want and keep an open mind. Notice little things that may not seem like anything to someone else but they may mean something to you or your mom. When you go to bed at night ask him to please come and visit with you. Tell him that you need to see him. It may take a while but just keep it up and keep your eyes open! Wishing you loving dreams soon. Lillian
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A man has and important golf game but he also has a doctors appointment.. He grabs his golf bag and on his way out the door remembers that he wants to take extra balls with him. Sense his hands are full he puts the balls in his pocket.
When he gets to the doctors office he goes in forgetting that he has the balls in his pocket. The receptionest is staring at him when he realizes he still has the balls in his pocket. He looks at her and says "golf balls". After a while he sees a young woman staring at him (Ok she is blond). She just keeps staring at him until he feels uneasy. So he says"golf balls" she then replies" I heard you. I was just wondering it it hurts as much as tennis elbow"
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Not coping well
in GRIEF
Posted
Today is one of those days that I am not coping well and I expect I will have a few more this week. I'm heading into town in a while to have my birthday lunch alone. I guess that is better than last year when I spend the whole day holed up in my apartment and heard not one human voice all day. It was so soon after Johnny died that I really only wanted to be alone but would have liked to have heard from someone. My own family were all hundreds and thousands of miles away. Johnny's family were near but they just never bothered to call. I've had several messages this morning but still feel very alone and can't get last year off of my mind. I just miss Johnny so much.
Saturday is Valentines Day and should have been mine and Johnny's first wedding aniversary. That too will be hard to face. What makes it even worse is that some friends of mine in Louisiana are getting married that day. I can't even work up enough strength to congradulate them. They have no idea what that day means to me so I doubt they will understand.
It is just so hard to face all of these dates that should have been special days with Johnny. Even now well over a year the pain is as sharp as it was a year ago. I'm just not sure how to cope and not sure that I will ever know how.
I have a job application to turn in today. It asks about training and school and of coarse what I was doing during the times that I was not working. How do you explain that you were trying to face a life alone? How do I tell them that my other off times was used raising a family and all that requires? These things make me feel so inadaquit as if just being a wife or home maker is nothing and time spent grieving has no place in the fob field.
All I am applying for is a job of sales clerk. If I were eighteen instead of sixty I wouldn't need to answer those questions. I'm beginning to feel like the people that I cared for. As if once you reach a certain age you just don't count any more. I used the pharase emotoinally neglected when talking about Johnny. Now I feel like I am going into the same situation he was in. I feel emotionally neglected by both society and the ones that I love.. My family especially because they have no idea what I have been through this past two years. To them Johnny was just someone from my past that I ended up with after divorcing their dad..
Oh well I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. Time to get up from here and do something before this day like so many others just slips away with me still setting here wondering how I will spend this day alone.