lilyjohn
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Posts posted by lilyjohn
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There have been many times when my grief has had me on the down side of my emotions. Times when it was so bad I didn't think I could go on living.. Even worse I didn't know if I wanted to. So many times it was feeling that Johnny is still with me that kept me going. Many times that feeling came from a song that came on the radio at my lowest moment. The first time I heard that song was New Years eve 2002 less than a month after Johnny died and the night I first saw the container with his ashes. I cried all the way home that night. I was hysterical and have no idea how I drove without getting in an accident. When I tuned into the parking lot of by apartment this song came on the radio. I had never heard it before and as I listened to the words I became calm and felt that Johnny had seen my need and sent it to me. Every once in a while I need to be reminded of what I know in my heart. I think the words of this song can help someone else. If you have not heard it just read the words. I can only say that like it says I believe.
Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again and it as if you haven't been
Gone a moment from my side as if the tears were never cried
as tho the hands of time are holding you and me
And with every breath I'm sure we're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see I have all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe
I believe that when we die our life goes on
It doesn't end here when we're gone
Every soul is filled with light It never ends and if I'm right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe oh I believe
People who don't see the most see that I believe in ghosts
well if that makes me crazy then I am 'cus I believe
there are more than angels watching over me
I believe , I believe
Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again and I believe
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Boy does that hit the nail on the head!!!!!!!!!!
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A farmer had a number of hens but only one very old rooster. He decided that he needed a younger rooster to help service his hens. He bought a young rooster with a loud crow and a very proud strut. When the new rooster saw the old rooster he told him he had to stay away from all of the hens. He said they all belonged to him now because the old rooster was too old to handle the job anymore.
The old rooster decided he would try to reason with the young one but to no avail. Finally he asked the young rooster if he could have just one hen. "No" said the young rooster "go away and don't bother me or my hens".
The old rooster decided to try one more tactic. He said to the young rooster "why don't we have a race around the barn. If you win I leave and you have all of the hens with no more problems from me. If I win I get just one hen for company." The young rooster thought " I am young and strong and in good form. What will it harm and I can show all of my hens how fast and powerful I am." With that he agreed to the race.
As they were getting ready to start the old rooster said 'You know I am old and slow and you are so much faster why don't you give me a head start?" The young rooster decided there was no harm in that. He could surely out run that old rooster with no effort so he agreed.
The old rooster took off and was about 1/3 way around the barn when the old rooster took off after him. As they rounded the corner of the barn a shot rang out. The farmer lowered his gun and said to his wife "damn that's the third gay rooster this week."
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Up until a week or so ago I ignored this site. Never realized how much I was missing. Tonight having nothing better to do or not wanting to do it, I sat here for 2 hours reading all or most of the posts. Well you got me started and I have a few. Seeing as there are a few Texans on the board I thought it would be appropriate to start with a good Texas Joke so here goes.
A man from out of state stopped into a local bar in West Texas. He sat on the bar stool and ordered a shot of whiskey. The bar tender came back with the biggest water glass the man had ever seen. He told the bar tender "I ordered a shot not that". The bartender place the drink in front of him and calmly stated "everything's big in Texas"
A while later after consuming the one shot and part of another the man looked out the window as saw what he assumed to be a kangaroo hop by. Excitedly he said to the bartender " I didn't know the had kangaroo in Texas". The bartender looked at him shook his head and said " I told you before, everything's big in Texas.
The man continued to drink one more shot and then another becoming more and more amazed at the size of things in Texas. After several hours he needed to use the bathroom and asked for directions. The bartender told him "go down the hall and take the first door on the right. Remember now the right hand door not the left." The man staggered down the hall and tried to remember what the bartender had told him. Thinking he had it right he opened the door on his left stepped in and immediately feel into the swimming pool. The last words heard from him as he sank out of site waving his hands were "don't flush it, Please don't flush it."
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It has been almost 3 days sense I made the post here. I am doing better but still have a way to go to get out of this slump. Thank all of you for your support. I know how hard it can be to try to help someone else when your own heart is breaking. As Shirley said been there, done that!!
I was already sliding down that deep fall when I took those videos out to look at. I think that is probably why I did it. Sometimes it just overwhelms me when I see how many changes have taken place in my life in less than 2 years. Just seems like nothing is easy any more. I have pieces of my heart scattered in several different places and am trying to learn to get those pieces together again in this one beautiful place. I have been writing a story about mine and Johnny's lives. We were seperated in a most brutal way many years ago. We went on to live seperate lives and had families of our own but we never forgot. We never stopped loving eachother.. The short time we had was a wonderful gift and I would never want to have not had that time no matter how much pain I am in now.. I wrote about how I was after our seperation. I said "I was like a glass that had been shattered. You might be able to glue it back together but it will never be the same. There will always be a flaw..The only way to make it whole again is to return it to it's original mold and remake it. When I found Johnny again I was remade but now I have shattered again. I don't know if I will ever be together as much as I was before and then I was so flawed." I still feel that way sometimes.
It doesn't take much to set me off. I decided yesterday that I would really do something. I never put anything off in my life before. I always just jumped in with both feet and got it done no matter what. Sense Johnny's death I find it so easy to just wait and keep waiting. I seem to have no direction. The job I had yesterday was to clean out one of my files. I save all of my check card reciepts and once my statement comes I throw the ones that are acounted for away..I hadn't done that is so long and needed the room. When Johnny and I had gotten our apartment together we needed everything. I went shopping and bought what we needed and saved the reciepts. We would go on rides and when we bought gas I saved those reciepts too. Everything from reciepts for his buiscuts and gravy he had me buy for his snack every night he was in the hospital to the desert we bought at a beautiful lodge on Lake Quinault the day before that nurse made that fatal remark. I never threw any of those things away..
When I got about half way through that file I found all of those reciepts. There are so many memories there. I remember how happy I was planning our life and shopping for the things we needed. Every date on those reciepts have special meaning. I sat there and cried as I relived every minute from those times. Such beautiful memories but now they hold so much pain. I kept thinking what if someone saw me there crying over gas reciepts? I felt so unhinged but I just couldn't stop and when I finished I couldn't throw them away. I put them back in that folder and I wonder if the next time will be any easier.
I had to pack all of our things when I moved just 4 months after he died. I felt like I was stripping away our life together. I brought all of his things with me. I don't think I will ever be able to throw any of them away. The last set of clothes he wore are hanging in my closet unwashed. I know it is impossible but sometimes I can swear that I can smell his scent on them. I want so much to try to find some peace. He gave me a chance for a new life. He would want me to use it but it just feels so empty without him. It has been over a year now. The pain gives me small breaks but I feel like a part of me was ripped away and every now and then someone throws salt in the wounds...The only thing that helps besides all of you here is that I know he is near me all of the time. I can feel him sometimes but when I can't I start to doubt. That is just so hard!!!!!!!
I started this post to thank all of you and ended up rambling again. I sure seem to be doing a lot of that latey. Again I say thanks and I thank you too for putting up with my rambles. Johnny used to say I would be perfect if I didn't talk so much. Then he would say "It's alright Mama, It's alright Darlin" How I wish I could hear those words again!!!!!!!!!
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I had the bottom floor then found all 5 in one. I'm finished shopping. I might end up with a dumb blond man!!!!!!!! Now I know a joke about that but I sure can't print it here!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh by the way I am a NATURAL blond and I have heard all of the blond jokes already. That gives me the right to talk about a dumb blond guy!!!
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hey not fair!!!!!!!! That is a man joke. Just think what we women could come up with if we tried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can find some good ones but I'm not sure they are acceptable here!!!!!!!!!Come on ladies lets get even!
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Dearest Tammy
My heart turly goes out to you. All of us here on this forum have lost someone very close to us be it mother, father or sibling or spouse or as in my case love of my life. Sometimes the pain can be overwhelming and you think that you are drowning. Others you just wish you could lay down and die too. That is not what life is all about no matter how much we hurt. We have to go on.. Take it one minute at a time. Sometimes that is all you can do. Even a day at a time or an hour at a time can seem so endless when you are in such unbearable pain. Take one minute and hold it and if you hold it long enough it will grow into two. It may take days or even months before you have hours of relief but I pormise you the day will come when you don't hurt all of the time.
You have a very special day coming.. Concentrate on that as much as you can. Your whole life is ahead of you. Your mom knew that your wedding was coming. It gave her something to concentrate on besides what was happening to her. I know it is bittersweet now but just remember you have a part of your mom with you and you always will have. Hold on to that and do somethng speical during the ceremony to honor her. It may hurt to do that and make you cry but sometimes tears wash away a little of the pain. Someday you will be able to look back and say "this was my mom's part of the wedding" I'm sure she will be there to see.. After all she picked the date or had it planned. There is no way she is going to miss that day... You may not see her but she will be watching.. Believe that with all of your heart and you will know.. Bless you and please come here whenever you need to. We can never be your mom but we can all be your friends. Have a great wedding but more important have a great life!!!!!!!!!
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I just want to tell you something about some of the meds you are talking about and some that I read about in the other posts here. The Ambien is a Bensodyapine(sp) if it causes anyone to hulicinate make sure you are very carefull. Johnny tried the Ambien and didn't like it. At the time we didn't know it was from the same family as Ativan(Bensodyapines) witch he had already had a terrible reaction to with nightmares and hulcinations. Ativan is much stronger than Ambien or most of the other Besodyapines.
Please be very carefull with these drugs. They can cause serious problems that may lead to other things much worse. I know it was a dose of Ativan given in Johnny's IV that started all of the things that led to his death.
If you have a problem with one you will more than likely have it with the other. I have sense learned that these types of problems are very common with Ativan and most of them are dose related the rest are just caused because the person taking it is very sensitive to it. Johnny had taken the Ativan in very small doses earlier. It was when his dose was increased that he had the problem. I don't want to scare anyone off a medication that might work. I just want to warn you to be very careful.
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Thanks Ann
Isn't it amazing how someone elses bad day can make us laugh and make our day a little lighter?
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I recieved this in my email today. A gentle reminder of what I have been learning but sometimes forget when the pain gets me down. I wasn't really sure where to post it. It could go in the foram for those of us who have lost a loved one. It could really belong in the Good News forum, But I chose this one because it is something that many of us are learning still and there are others who have so far to go one this road. I pray that each and everyone of us find the road less bumpy and that we realize we are really never alone. I hope someday no one will have to travel the road called cancer but until that day comes it is good to remember there is someone in the drivers seat who knows the way much better than any of us do. Lillian
The Road of life
At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I
did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was
out there sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it,
but
I really didn't know Him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though
life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed
that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was
that
He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.
When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable it
was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He
knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at break
neck
speeds It was all I could do to hang on!
Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!" I worried and was
anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer,
and I
started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the
adventure, and when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand. I
gained
love, peace, acceptance and joy; gifts to take on my journey, My Lord's and
mine. And we were off again.
He said, "Give the gifts away. They're extra baggage, too much weight." So I
did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still
our burden was light.
I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck
it; but he knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp
corners,
knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten, scary
passages. And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and
I'm
beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful
constant companion, Jesus Christ.
And when I'm sure I just can't do it anymore, He just smiles and says...
"Pedal."
YOUR CROSS
Whatever your cross
Whatever your pain
There will always be sunshine
After the rain
Perhaps you may stumble
Perhaps even fall
But God's always there
To help you through it all
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First I will try to answer your question. No you will never feel normal again. Not the normal that you are hoping for. Whenever we lose someone we love we lose a part of ourselves. That can never be replaced. The thing that you have to remember is that you lost a part of yourself but you also have a part of her. When two people love it doesn't matter if they are siblings, Parent and child or husband and wife or lover. We give parts of ourselves for them to take and they leave parts of themselves for us to keep. Your mom will always be with you. Keep a sharp eye because if you do you will know that beyond a doubt.
You were very fortunate to be so close to your mother. My mom had to work and support a large family. She worked in a canery and that meant long hours away from us and working nearly every minute that she was home. I really never got to know her until my teen years then I married and moved far away. She died in 1985 from lung cancer. I saw her less than 10 times in 14 years. I never knew what her dreams were or her hopes. I never saw her laugh in total abandon and I never saw her cry no matter what life handed to her until one of my brothers died.
Over the years I have lost 3 brothers and both parents. I lost one boy that was close to my son and almost like another son to me. I saw another man who was my son's brother-in-law lay in a bed for 2 years unable to move a finger because of an accident that cost him a large part of his brain. He was like a younger brother to me. When Johnny died all of the hurt from all of those other deaths came back to me. I finally had to come to terms with them. Johnny's sister had been my best friend when I was younger. In 1974 she was murdered and I was not there for her when she may have needed a friend. Those things haunt me still but nothing ever compared to the pain of losing my Johnny. Sometimes life really sucks and it is hard to understand why some suffer so much loss and others never do. That is life. No one knows the answer. So many parts of me have gone on but I have so many wonderful parts of the people I love still with me.
No matter how many people we lose it does not get any easier to handle. It does make us stronger. You may not feel it now but you will someday. It has been over a year sense Johnny died and still I find it hard to focus and do the things that I know need to be done. There was a time when that would have upset me but anymore it doesn't. I know now what is important in life. Take time to find yourself and love the ones that you have left with all of your might. Give them a little of your loved ones and as much as you can of yourself. Be thankful everyday of your life for the time you had with your mom. You were so lucky to have that. God bless you and I hope your pain will start to give you a few breaks soon. For now that is all you can look for. Take it a little at a time. You will learn that is all you can do.
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Somehow I missed this post until a little while ago. Now I want to add my two cents worth. I'm all for getting together a commitee to choose *ss hole doctor or the decade. Anyone want to take me up on that? I'm sure that the only problem we might have is finding more people to vote than nomanees!! I know there are some really good and caring doctors and like Norme said you can not fault them if you ask. My solution is if you don't really want to know don't ask. If they tell you anyway tell them what they can do with their statisticss and nominate them for the afore mentioned title.
Now sense Dean had the good sense to start this rant (he must have been reading my mind when he posted it) I have a few more things to add.
If doctors spent less time reading statistics and more time trying to find a way to change them maybe they wouldn't be so bad. If they spent as much time trying to lift someones spirit and encourage them in their fight instead of blindsideing them with statistics and their own pre concieved notions about life and death maybe many more would have the heart for the fight. I believe too that when they start out with the attitude that a person who has lung cancer is a walking dead person they will not do a whole hell of a lot to make it turn out different. In fact they may (as I have seen) do things that will make the persons chances of becoming one of the bad statistics higher. Things like giving drugs that they would never give to someone else because they are dangerous for that particular person.
Now too lets talk about emotional problems like anxiety and depression. There is an attitude that makes emotional problems and mental problems sound like they are all the same thing and leads people to think (especially doctors it seems) that if you have one of these problems your quality of life is not worth saving. Now I wonder why someone who is told they have cancer. The statistics are very bad and you have only xxxxx amount of time to live would feel either anxious or depressed? dahh!!!!!!!!!
Seems to me like we need to open a school that teaches hope, bedside manners, alternative treatments and faith along with how to keep your eye toward what is good for patients instead of rattleing off doom and gloom before they have a chance to digest the fact that they have a serious illness!!!!!!!
Ok Got that off of my chest so my rant is over for now. Who is next????????? I'm sure there are many other things that have been missed so lets hear them!! Heck just talking about it might make so much energy that we end up producing some new chemical that makes all of the things above just go away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Norme what pain medication is he taking? Sometimes when you dig a little deeper you learn more about medications. What they give from the pharmacy does not always tell the whole story. If you have not done so already try looking it up on the web. Read several different sites. Sometimes you will learn about other problems caused by the medication and alternate medications that have the same effect without causing the problems the other does. Just a thought but it might be worth looking into.
I did learn that the one drug I never suspected of causing a lot of problems was. That was of all things Albuteral. It causes shakes, memory problems, anxiety and sometimes makes a persons breathing even worse instead of better. Never would have known any of that had I not searched several sites and read them all. Take care and I hope you get the answer you need soon.
When I was working with people who had alzheimers or demetia I often said that it took a persons life long before it killed them. After watching what happened to Johnny and reading some of the things on this board I see that cancer can do the same thing. Just one more thing that we need to try to find a way to change.
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Honey hang in there don't let this derail you. Say shi_ as much as you want to. If we all said it as many times as we feel like it they would censor this board and wash all of our mouths out with soap. But hey A good washing never hurt anyone. Getting dirty is such a relief sometimes or dirty mouthed that it would be worth a little taste of soap!!!!!!!!
Don't buy trouble before you have to. Like the others have said this may be a very good thing. The one major draw back will be that you find it harder to trust what his doctors tell you anymore. In that case just ask for and get a second opinion. That will help put your mind at ease that he is getting the right treatment.
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Come on Gay we are all anxious to meet you. Just from reading Dean's posts we know what a wonderful part of his life you are. Now we want you to be a part of our "family" too.
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Like everyone else has said you seem to have said so many of the things that are in my heart. People seem to shy away from us when we are in so much pain. Maybe because they are uncomfortable and don't really know what to say. They say things that they think we need to hear not realizing just how insensitive there words are. I think too that dispite the fact that everyone knows better some people think that if they get too close to someone who has experienced cancer or death that they will somehow "catch it" Just one more of the stigmas that we have to learn to live with.
It has been over a year for me now. I do have good days but mostly I have good minutes. I call a good day or a good minute the ones when I don't feel like I just want to lay down and die too. Anything more than that is a bonus and that is when I feel that I have gained a little of paradise for myself.
I now live in a place where I feel very close to nature and God. A God that I not only felt deserted me but betrayed me by giving me hope then not following through. I know now that I was wrong. Still it does not make it any easier. The one thing that makes it easier for me besides all of the wondrefull support on this board is the beleif or I should say the knowledge that God does exist and there is a reason for everything even our pain. I just keep trudging along hoping that someday I will know that reason.
I can not promise you that things will get better soon. As everyone else has said how we cope is an idividual thing. I do know that there will be times when you think that you are doing well and handling things then like a frieght train from nowhere it will hit you again. Holidays and aniversary days are the hardest. Seeing that life goes on around us can make up very bitter and cause much pain our thought is "don't they know that the world has ended" the problem with that is that our world may have ended but theirs has not. There time may come but for now they need to hold on to what they have. We can not expect them to do any differently. We did that too before we came to this place in our lives that has left us so lost with no direction and few if any dreams.
I say honor our loved ones with our grief and tears but also honor them with our laughter even if for now it is forced. In time we will be able to remember and laugh with our hearts not just our faces. Until then take each moment of peace that you find and cherish it. When something is treated with love and tears it will grow just as a plant grows when shown sunlight and given raindrops. My heart goes out to you and all of us who have been forced onto this road of pain and sorrow. Lillian
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We should all be so honest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ann I know you told me that you would not be very busy today at work but you must really have a lot of time on your hands!!!!!!!How on Earth did you find this? It could prove to be something to keep us all laughing if there are more like that to read.
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Sounds so true to me!!!!!!!! Don't forget to add tho that one of Satan's final tricks was to turn most medical practices over to corporations so they could gain much wealth and give him a new bunch of people who could afford all of his temptations. Then he made them too blind to see that sooner or later they would be the ones at the mercy of others like them selves and insurance companies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Time Is Valuable
A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy
next door.
It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College,
girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.
Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday.
" Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.
"Jack, did you hear me?"
"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.
"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.
"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.
"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important... Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.
As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.
The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack
stopped suddenly.
"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.
"The box is gone," he said. "What box? " Mom asked.
"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'The thing I value most.'" Jack said. It was gone.
Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.
"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."
It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read. Early the next day Jack retrieved the package.
The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope.
Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter.
His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! Harold Belser."
"The thing he valued most...was...my time." Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days.
"Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.
"I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."
Have a great day-and thank you for your time...
Families are Forever
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Welcome to the best place you could have found. I hate it that you have to be here but you will learn quickly what a wonder supportive group of people you have stumbled on. As for your fight sounds like you have most of the weapons you will need. Hold on to them and don't let anyone take them away from you.
Just remember Hope, Faith, Love and Prayer are stronger than cancer or anyone you will ever meet. Those are the things you need to focus on. Just stay in charge and always demand that you have the final say make sure you not only hear what the doctor has to say but read test results yourself. That will give you more amunition to add to the great arsenal you have already.
Lillian
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Thank you Dean for your encouragement. It never ceases to amaze me how much you offer to others when you have so many problems of your own. I think I said it once before but I will say it again. You remind me a lot of my Johnny. That is quite a compliment coming from me.
I did manage to sleep last night or I should say this morning. It was an uneasy sleep but it rested my body if not my mind. This morning the sun is up and slowly revealing the beauty around me. That often works to help my battered spirit. I'm hoping today will be one of those times. I am not as messed up as I was last night but I have a terrible sadness in me today. I know that too is one of the things in my cycles of grief and I will be able to pull out of it. Having the new friends I have met here helps more than anything else. It seems that you and Ann have taken on another challenge and that is to keep me focused. I really need that at times and I am so thankful to the two of you as well as so many others here.
I hope that you continue to do well tho I know you have many of your own problems to deal with. I know too that helping others as you are doing often helps to help ourself. You give so much and hopefully get as much or more in return. Bless you and have a great day. God has given us much to handle and you seem to have more of the tools to do that than many others. Thanks again.
Lillian
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Ann
It is great to see some good news. It is also very wonderful to see such an upbeat positive attitude. I believe that goes a long way in the fight that has been forced on you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and please stay on top of this. Make sure you continue to follow up with tests along the way. That is very important..
Now I have a question. It is one of personal interest to me. How did you know that you are alergic to Morphine and what was your reaction to it?What were the symptoms and how were they handled?
As I said my reasons for asking are to answer one of my many questions about my Johnny's treatment. I beleive too that information may help someone else should they find themselves in the same situation. Morphine is given so often in cancer treatment for pain and I have learned for other reasons. Knowing what to look for could be a major help to many people.
Once again thanks for posting such good news. All of us here watch and wait everyday for that. Please stay as positive as you are, that alone can be so much help to others as well as yourself.
Lillian
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I'm just not having a very good night. I have been so up lately but tonight I did something that I thought I was ready for and now I am once more on the downfall. I wonder now if my up beat mood hasn't been just forced. I pray that the site of daylight coming above the hills will once again renew my spirit. I just don't know why the pain is still tearing at me so much.
After Johnny died I stayed in Washington for 4 months. I just couldn't make the decision to leave there until I had to. Once the decision was made I felt as if I were deserting him and our beautiful life together. It was just so hard!! Before I left I made the decision to take my movie camera and film many of the places that had been so special to us. I placed the movie camera on the dashboard and while I drove I talked about not only the memoies of the places but of so many other things that we shared. I am glad that I have those but I'm not sure I can finish watching them for a while. The pain is just too great. Even the good memories hurt.
Anyway I just needed a place to rest some of my thoughts before I go to bed. I need to sleep and not let this keep me awake all night but somehow I think that is not going to happen. Thanks once more for "listening" to me. I hope you are all doing better than I am. Lillian
I Believe
in HOPE
Posted
Becky thanks. I love Lonestar but actually it is Diamond Rio!! All great in my book. Country is in my blood even tho I am a California girl.