Newbride

I got an e-mail today with quotes by George Carlin. Some of them I had heard before, some like the one below, I hadn't. I'm not sure if George really said this..but it was in a list of quotes on "How to Stay Young". But this particular one just jumped out at me. I wanted to share it because since I got re-married, I realized the odds of me burying another husband are high (Given that women live longer than men). Not a pleasant thought, but a practical one. How will I react? The Quote: "The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive." I realized through Mike's fight and my grieving process that I have to think in terms of eternity. Those words, "the only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves", is SO true. Children grow up and move away...parents age, get sick and die...spouses can leave by death or divorce. "Endure, grieve and move on." That's all we can do. To endure is to accept, to grieve is to allow yourself the luxury of crying and being gentle with yourself and when the joy comes in the morning after the mourning...to move on and live your life. Don't be so afraid of dying that you forget to live! Hugs to all. Shannon

"This emotional energy need not be reinvested exclusively in another person. It can be reinvested in objects, activities, roles, hopes, beliefs, causes and so forth - anything that you can care about or have an attachment to. It may be tangible (for example, another person, your house, a car) or psychosocial (for example, a relationship, your dream of being a doctor, being president of the Chamber of Commerce). It does not have to be reinvested in the same type of person or thing from which it was withdrawn. For instance, a widow does not have to remarry to reinvest her emotional energy. She can do this by undertaking volunteer work with handicapped children or by going back to school. The only requirement is than she has a place into which to put her emotional energy and involvement." Wow - Although my best friend doesn't have a Phd, she basically told me the same thing when I was 3 years into my greiving. She asked me, "What is your passion?" She really got me to thinking and that's when I started school to get my medical assisting degree. It re-directed my energy, my thoughts and my passions from Mike to something else. That's when I started to heal.... I pray everyone can reach that point in their walk where they ask themselves..."What is the one thing in this life I can be passionate about?" And then throw your time, thoughts, energies and love into that passion. It truly will make you feel whole again - not the "same", but whole. I will always bear the scar of being widowed too soon by a man who left this earth too soon....but it's a wound that has healed. Now - If I just don't pick at the scar.... Hugs, Shannon

I'm so sorry - But that is the way I want to go...in my sleep. Although the shock of the unexpected throws us for a loop...her passing was gentle. Hugs (((((((((((Denise))))))))

Oh Sharon, I'm so sorry you can't share your feelings about losing your dad with your mom. It sounds like she is still hurting really bad...no excuse - but I know during my active grief, I was just numb to really be able to help anyone else. In my depression - I wasn't intentional cruel, but I just was so irritable all the time. If someone mentioned missing Mike, I would immediately "feel" like "Well what about me?", even when I didn't express it. I think sometimes grief makes us selfish without even realizing it. The problem is when you are not thinking rationally (even when you are ACTING rationally - there is a difference)...you say and do things that hurt. I hope that you will try to break down your mother's wall - express your feelings to her and let her know that your pain is not any less than her's and that you should be able to grieve together, not have a pi$$ing contest over who misses him more. The fact of the matter isn't whose life is disrupted more, or who misses him more or who is hurt more...the fact is this....a man who was deeply loved - died and he is missed in many different ways, by many different people, for many different reasons. Hugs Sharon....I miss my dad too....and it just plain hurts. Shannon

Dear Lynn, Yes - Sometimes tears won't come for the reasons you think they should come. Emotions and feelings are like that. They come unbidden without ryhme or reason or logic. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they simply are...it's how we REACT or respond to our feelings that can be positive or negative. The fact that you can cry about anything is a good sign. The tears will come, when your soul knows it's time. Be patient with yourself, my dear. It's only been a month. You will heal and over time you will know without a doubt that you ARE ALIVE! Your son Nick sounds like a good kid. You should be very proud of him. Hugs, Shannon

Dear Sheri - Yes - I get your pain. All too well...because my daughter lost her father at the young age of 27. She misses him terribly and isn't anywhere near "over his death". I suspect she never will. Her dad was her best friend, her confidant, her rock. When he died, she lost the one person in her life that understood her inside out. You are SO right about the fact that widows can get a new husband, but you can never get a new dad. My daughter stated that fact to me when I started dating. But what was I to say or do? I simply hugged her and hung on. I hurt for the loss of my husband, but I also hurt for the loss of my children's father. They still needed him. Our four grandchildren still needed him. Watching my daughter and son grieve, each in their own way has broken my heart as much as my own grief. I lost my dad too...but I had him until I was almost 56 years old. In his aging process he slipped away from us slowly. Somehow, through the aging process, you can and do accept it differently. Not that I don't grieve my father, but I know it isn't like it would have been if I lost him at 27 or at 40. Anger is a real part of grief and depression. When I was depressed I could get upset and angry and have a melt down over the most trifling of things. You are normal. You are hurting. And many times in that hurt, you just lash out. I think everyone here knows and understands that. Hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sheri)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Shannon

Teri, Ry and Nova, That feeling of lost, that feeling of "I want my ______" and not knowing what to fill in the blank is a part of the process. It's a painful process - but it can be made better by working through the issues of who you are without your loved one. Having been exactly where you all are at, I can tell you - it will get better...but not without your help. You have to accept that each person's days are numbered here on earth and that God doesn't make mistakes. It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow. Teri - for you - it's been a year. I didn't feel at home in my skin without Mike for much longer than that. I didn't know who I was, or worse yet, where I belonged. I believe singleness is a gift from God. Singleness is a calling. Most people feel the great need to connect to someone. When we have been connected like that - and we lose them - the gapping hole is HUGE. Eventually - with great willingness to embrace the future, you will find "home" again. It may be in your singleness, it may be with a new partner...but nonetheless...you will get comfortable inside your skin again. But you make it happen by not focusing on the past. For me - I had to leave message boards like this until I healed. I knew what caused me pain and I refused to go there, literally or figuratively until I was strong enough to handle it. I chose my thoughts carefully, knowing that some things were too painful to dwell on. Time truly does heal, if you are not picking at the scabs. Effective grieving takes place when you know when to open old wounds. The power of choice is the greatest power we have. Use it wisely and you will someday find yourself "content".

Momma's girl, I don't know how I would feel in your shoes. I know my father died last February at age 93. I had a lot of years to prepare for that and I knew that it had to come someday. Yet on his birthday - May 1, I cried for 15 minutes straight. Then I dried my tears and went and did something. My daughter lost her father (my husband) when she was only 27 years old. She still isn't over her father's death. She was much closer to him than to me at that point, and she not only lost her father, she lost her best friend. She lost him, just as you lost your mother, too soon. We expect to bury our parents but not until we ourselves are middle age or even senior citizens. We want them with us for the milestones of our lives. It's only been two and a half years. Grief takes time. Each day it should get easier, if it doesn't you may need help. Of course, there will always be moments when the pain stabs you in the gut, taking your breath away - when you least expect it...but they come further apart. There are just some people in our lifes, our parents, our children, our spouses, that we will never really "get over". They were too much a part of ourselves to ever NOT feel the gapping hole in our heart. Hugs to you momma's girl....I am a 56 year old mom and I know your mom wants you to be happy and to not grieve too deeply. Shannon

Hi Ginny, It always amazes me how fast time flies and the older we get the quicker it moves! It has been five years since Mike passed away. It seems like a lifetime ago...and yet, just yesterday. When I think about him being gone, it seems surreal. It is then when I feel like there is something missing. When I focus on the future, I can make it through life with a smile on my face. The very hardest part of losing your mate is you lose a very real part of yourself. I have chosen to just focus on what I have, not what I've lost. Looking back is just too painful. Hope you survived the day surrounded by friends and loved ones. (((((((((Ginny)))))))))) Hugs to you. Shannon

Leslie, People like your brother may be excused that they just can't "handle it". But the realist in my just bristles at that. All I know for sure is that each person has their own breaking point. Some people are weaker emotionally than others...some are just plain more selfish! I don't know what the answer is, but I do know this. It's not worth the effort to dwell on it. You can only change your attitude about a situation...more often than not you can't change the situation because you can't change the people involved. Hugs to you dear...I am alone (I'm an only child) and all this ugly stuff falls on me so I do understand. Shannon

Hugs to you - I just lost my dad last February. It's hard to lose a parent. My sympathy to you. I know it must be hard to think of your dad dating again. But I do know - If your mother's memory was not alive and well in his heart he probably wouldn't be dating. What I mean is - what he had with your mom was so good - he is willing to risk his heart again. So when you think of your dad out dating...remember he truly is celebrating her LIFE and not her death. As a widow who has recently remarried, my memories and my love for Mike has not faded. It is a testimony to our love that I am able to love again and move forward. And don't ever feel - no matter how happy your dad may appear in the future that he for one minute has forgotten your mom. He hasn't and he won't. Love doesn't divide. It multiplies like a single flame that can light many candles and expell much darkness. Your mother's love for your dad continues and gives him the strength and the light to dispell his darkness. Shannon

Yes Lynn, God knew what he was doing when he placed you at at the school. I too, was extremely fortunate as I didn't have to go back to work right away. I would say - Be very kind to yourself. Don't force yourself to do anything. When others pressure you to do or not to do...don't listen - but wait for God's still voice inside you. He alone knows what is best for you - along with yourself. I would strongly urge anyone in the early days of grieving...to just give sway to the grief and do what you have to do for yourself. It's amazing how in our American culture - well intentioned people will tell you to pick yourself up by the boot straps and get on with life. It will come - but give yourself the time you need! Hugs - Shannon

You are so right...I moved to Minnesota - You are too right?

I'm so sorry for your loss. It was for someone like you that I posted this message. I remember the feelings I had at only 6 weeks of widowhood. The mere title of widow, sent a shiver down my spine. But I also remember the battle, while Mike was still alive. Those horrific sinking feelings that made me feel like life would never be worth living again. You will find your way. Probably a lot differently than I did, but the fact remains...if you don't want to get stuck in the gut wrenching pain of grieving...you have to be willing to keep moving! May each day find your heart a little lighter. Hugs, Shannon

I use to be on this message board in 2003 and 2004. My sweet Mikey died in June of 2003. You can find my prior posts as Mrs Mike. I re-read some of them tonight and I remembered the pain, the grief, the loss. I remember how I felt in those horrible months of fighting for Mike's life and after his death. You all are walking down some of the roughest paths of life. I pray that you will only have to go down this path once in your life. But life isn't fair...and no one knows what the future will hold. But I will tell you my story. I was lost after Mike's passing - We had been high school sweethearts and I had never been an adult without him. It was a horrible struggle re-defining myself. After months of active and excruiating grieving...I found my smile again and I looked for a new life. I started looking for potential companionship and dating. It was difficult to say the least. To be 52 and thrown into the dating arena was an EYE opening experience. But I was so lost, so confused, I kept looking for that "person" who would fill in the big gapping hole in my heart. After re-connecting with an old acquaintance from high school and dating him for 10 months, he dropped me without warning. I was devastated. It opened all the wounds of losing Mike and I greived again anew. Then my best friend challenged me by asking me "What is your passion?" I realized for the first time in my 54 years that I only had relationships. I didn't have any career passions (I worked because I had to), I didn't have any hobbies or interests that fulfilled me. So - when I lost my job, I went back to school to become a medical assistant. I found my passion for medicine was being fed and my heart was lightened. I found my niche. I found something that was my passion. I felt fulfilled and completed. Then I met him. My new husband. We were married last October and it's been 10+ months of pure wedded bliss. I am more than fulfilled, I am happy once again. Do I have moments of sadness when I think of Mike? Yes - and I think of him daily. But I am choosing to celebrate Mike's life by living mine to the fullest. I remember our life together with a soft fondness, not the tearing pain I felt for months after his death. I am what I am today because of Mike. The ups and downs, the joys and the pain of 32 years of marriage to Mike has made me the woman I am today. Some things just are what they are. You have to accept what life is handing you and adapt, adjust and deal with it. Once I did that, my life started falling into place. So - no matter how dark - how bleak your life looks for you, it can and it will change. Life is a journey and the roads we walk can change in a heart beat. Take heart - have hope - and know that this too shall pass.