I used to post a lot on this site under another username when my Mom was struggling to survive her lung cancer. I took care of her and bathed her and held her hand when the pain was so bad. After she lost her battle, I kind of dropped off because it was so painful to read everyone's posts. I never forgot everyone and would peep in occasionally to see how everyone was doing. As another marker comes up, her birthday, I decided to come back on to try to find someone who also understands what I feel.
It seems like my family has such an easier time dealing with the loss of Mom. I don't know if it's because I was her only daughter and I was closer to her than my brothers? I miss her each and every day. At the oddest moments, I remember these goofy things. Like her yelling for me to get her something, or when I would get in trouble as a kid, or my college graduation and the look on her face when I got that diploma. Mostly, I miss our lunch and movie dates, or just being.
Tomorrow is her birthday and I miss her so much. She would be 56. She's been gone two and a half years already and I can still remember exactly what she said the last time I saw her and I can still sometimes hear her voice or what it felt like for her to hug me. I think in some way she knew she would leave us that night. She said she was proud of me and I was a good daughter with such love on her face. She was the best person I've ever known. She was a teacher, like me, and she had such a capacity for love that I've never seen in another person.
I don't know why I'm missing her so much right now. It seems that it should be easier to mark these anniversaries....and some days it's ok. Maybe it because I just marked my 30th birthday and I hate that she's gone. It's not fair that she's not here. I went to the cemetary the other day. She's buried out of state so I don't get there as much as I'd like. I had a bench made in her memory with a plaque on it in honor of her birthday. I'd like to think that she's watching over us all.
Two weeks ago my brother and his wife had Mom's third grandchild and I just burst into tears when I saw him because she would have loved that little baby so much. I know she's looking down on that sweetheart and smiling....she should be here for these moments....
