bettie's-daughter

Hello, It has been over a year now since Mom's diagnosis. It's hard to beleive just how quickly things change in life. I know my Mom is at peace and as crazy as it sounds, I get many "signs" that she is still with me. A lot of times when she is in a dream, the recurring theme is that it was all a mistake and she is still alive. Oh how I wish that were true. I am trying not to dwell on the on the loss, but concentrate on all the wonderful memories I have of her. I am probably the luckiest of my siblings because I have the most memories since I was with her or talking to her the most. Even just walking into the Outback the other nite for dinner. I pointed to the booth we sat in and had her last restaurant meal in...which was the first time she did something social with her oxygen. She wanted to use the gift cards she had gotten while she still could enjoy it. It was like she knew that she would go down hill quickly. I got my daughter's portraits taken and I usually order so much more since I knew how much my Mom appreciated them. Now I think, who can I give them to that will appreciate them like she did...no one. I guess all in all I am getting by ok, knowing life go on (as it should) and trying to create those lasting memories with my own little girl. I listen to the songe "In my daughter's eyes" and see every word is true about Katie....she shows me what love is all about. I also think that my Mom felt the same way about me. Thanks for reading my post and for all the kind words and prayers you have given over the past several months.

I used to so look forward to Mother's Day with my Mom. A day to honor her and what she did for our family. Becoming a widow at age 45 with 4 kids ages 15, 14, 13 and almost 12 (me). Then when I (finally) became at Mom at age 39 the celebration was even better. I miss Mom so much..and my favorite Aunt who was also my Godmother. I am supposed to be going to a neighborhood Mother's Day BBQ this afternoon and I just don't know if I have the strength to go. I am heading out to see my Mom now (at the cemetary). Hopefully I will feel better when I return....or worse, you just never know. It doesn't help that my husband is in a rotten mood....he just doesn't get it. He was not close to his Mom. I am tired of his yelling at absolutely nothing. I know I am being selfish, but it's not about him. So he needs to just get over it. God, give me strength to get through this day and appreciate what I do have....my little angel, Katie. My cousin stopped by with flowers and a beautiful card. She understands. (Her mom was my favorite Aunt.) Unfortunately I didn't see her, I was in the shower. Just as well, we both would have ended up in tears (as we always do.) Beth

I can't believe that another holiday is upon us. Another occasion without my Mom. I miss her so much.I haven't been able to cry in a while...until now. Traditionally we had our Easter dinner on Saturday and thanks to my husband, we did it again. My sister and her daughter came as well as some good friends. Every year I would get both my Mom and her sister (my favorite Aunt) an Easter egg from the candy store. Then in 2008, I got one less since my Aunt entereded eternal life and this year one less since I can't get it for my Mom. They both looked forward to their treat. I miss them both dearly. I look back and I have so many great memories of my Mom and my Aunt; just not enough of them. The sisters were two peas in a pod. They always made me feel loved (unconditionally). I miss that. I miss my Aunt Joan calling saying this is your favorite Aunt and I would say hi Aunt Marge. She would call me a brat and we would laugh. I still have a couple of messages my Mom left on my answering machine that I listen to so I can feel that she is still here. When my little girl was in ER a few weeks ago, I kept thinking how my Mom would be worrying so much. Gosh if I had to tell her they sent us by ambulance to the Children's Hospital, she would be beside herself. Thankfully my little one is much better and I painted the hospital stay (3 days) as a big adventure. I think having my Mom with us so much when she was sick actually helped Kate deal with the whole hospital thing. They gave her oxygen, just like her Nina. When they gave her an IV, she thought it was food since we used to give Nina tube feedings (it was Katie's job to tell me when the bag was empty.) When we had to start Katie on a nebulizer, she said it's jut like Nina. It was Katie's job to turn on and off the machine. In my Mom's special way she is still helping me with my daughter. My daughter did ask if she would have to have the tubes all the time like Nina which I felt badly about but I assured her that it was just temporary until her lungs got better. Of course when Mom was diagnosed last year and Kate was 4, we told her that Nina had a boob-boo in her lungs so she did ask if she had the same boo-boo as Nina. I was so proud of Katie in the hospital. They would come in an say they want to put the light on her finger and I would say, Katie what is that called. She would respond, pulse ox. I would then ask her what that measured and she would tell me the oxygen in her blood. I would ask what number is good and she would say 100 is the best. She would look at her monitor and report what numbers she had...she new we wanted it at least above 92. She only cried once the entire time in the hospital when they were taking a sample from her nose witha tube--I filled up too...but I warned the nurse I would. Well now that I am babbling I feel a little better, maybe I can finally fall asleep...it is 2:21 am. Thanks for listening. Beth aka Bettie's Daughter

I am trying so hard to cope with my Mom's death, but it seems to be getting harder not easier. My 5 year old has been acting out--cliningy and uncooperative. Today was a particlarly difficult day. I even went to Mass to try to re-group. Thought maybe God even sent me a sign since a special needs child sat next to me. I should be thankful--even when she is driving me over the edge since it could be worse. I couldn't even deal with my daughter whom I love more than anything. I told her dad he had to put her to bed. He pitched a fit, she pitched a fit since she "lost" her favorite doll due to bad behavior in dance class. I am wondering if she is acting up because of loosing her only grandparent--whom we saw every week since she was born and every weekend (Fri, Sat and Sun) since Mom was diagnosed in July. Mom would never say it to anyone else, but I was her favorite---since we spent the most time together and my little girl she knew the best of all her grandkids again because I made that a priority--that we see and talk to her often. (She actually told me that she didn't know how she would have gotten through any of this without me.) I don't want to do the holidays, everyone tells me I have to for my daughter's sake. I am "frozen" and can't seem to accomplish anything. I have things of my Mom's in my trunk to donate for weeks--can't seem to walk into the hospital where she was treated to donate them--but I want to. I want to do it for my mom. I am angry at 2 of my 3 siblings--1 when Mom first got diagnosed and was told about radiation therapy, I asked if he could possible take her for 1 or 2 treatments (over the course of 7 weeks), he suggested calling paratransit. The other who lived with my mom since I got married, destroyed her house--my mom was always proud of her home until she moved in and cluttered it up, burned holes in carpets and the kitchen floor with her cigarettes. She has "issues" including being a hoarder. She became mom's primary care giver Mon-Fri and even the notes she took about her care and meds had burn holes. Mom could wait to come to my house; we actually wanted her here--we spent time socializing in her room--not just in for medical care. There were hours that my husband and daughter sat with us talking in her room. (I was always there in her room--treating, tube feeding, chatting. I resent that my sister was mean/abrupt with her. I am also angry that everyone is so concerned with the sister that she lived with--what is she going to do; she can't afford to live anywhere and she has a 15 yr old daughter. My mom kept saying it must be a ral drag for me going to work early (out of my house by 4:15am) so I could take her to radiation every day. I kept reassuring her I looked at it as quality time we spent together--I truly did. Other than one week when my sister who lives out of town was visiting, I took her to all appointments--I wanted to do that for the woman who did so much for me. Even two years ago when my husband was in ICU for 2 months in a coma and then in a long-term intensive care hospital for vent weaning, Mom offered to get a reverse mortgage on her house to pay for his bills....she was so sweet to me. Luckliy we had good insurance and I paid less for his bills than she paid for her cancer treatment and hospital stays....and he fully recovered. I am just at my wits end. I can't stop crying...every day, several times a day---today for hours.

I can't believe it, but Mom entered eternal life. We signed her up for palliative care on the afternoon of 10/26. Later that day, she started to spit up some unidentified stuff. That night Mom signed herself up for hospice. All her children were there as she drifted off to sleep at 5:00 am. During the day she slept, but she did respond to us, including saying I love you twice to me. Shortly after 4pm, her suffering was over, she entered into eternal life. The process was so peaceful. I had never experienced death like that. It was amazing and comforting that Mom left us this way. I still look at the phone wanting to call her--I called her every single day at least twice, onceto say good morning and again to say good night. My 4 yr old called every night to say good night, God bless and I love you. How could this have happened so quickly? The tumor was shrinking. I know she did not want to suffer, and I do thank God, she didn't, but I just wanted more time. Not that I left anything unsaid, for as long as I can remember I told my Mom how much I appreciated her and how glad I was that we went out to lunch each week. I would always send those mushy cards that would make both of us cry. Mom even saved them and I now have them back again. She even kept a card that I sent her with flowers back in 1980. I am just so sad; I feel numb. Bettie's Daughter

My mom has since gotten a peg tube for feeding since her esaphagus closed due to the tumor compressing it during radiaiton. After abour 4 more weeks of treatment, she was able to swallow a little. We finally finished our 33rd treatment and celebrated with an ice cream party. Ice cream sundaes for everyone. Two days later....pneumonia, afib, dehydration. In hospital again. Finally send her home via ambulance because of her high O2 requirement. Now bleeding from vaginal area.....which started in the hospital and was assumed it was from hemoroids since she hadn't had a bm in 5 days and when it finally happened, it was difficult to pass. She hasn't been to a gyn in years, afraid to go....edema in legs, won't get legs in stirrups. Oh yeah, high O2 requirement, how do we get her there. It is hard to beleive that this woman, 8 months ago was still travelling by bus to my house. Feeling overwhelmed, over tired and over stressed.

Hi my Mom (78 y.o.) was just diagnosed with non-small cell lung cancer and we just started treatments this past week. She's had 4 radiation treatments and is back on steroids and is feeling poorly. Coupled with this dx, she also has had COPD so she is on oxygen 24/7. She has so much indigestion/heartburn that she doesn't want to eat. (She can't afford to loose weight--when diagnosed, she was 95 lbs (July 1, 2008), we just got her back up to 108--a little O2 helped a lot, but now the steriods plus the treatments I am concerned she is going to backslide. ) Is this wahat it is going to be like for the next 7 weeks of daily treatments? Any insight someone can give would be greatly appreaciated.