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peggy

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  1. I agree that most people say things in desperation, trying to make it better, not realizing that saying "He's better off now" is not going to make you happier or feel better. I had a friend who said "Everyone has to die sometime" after I lost my husband. That was the worst thing I had said to me and this person is no longer my friend. Personally, I preferred to have someone just say "I'm so very sorry for your loss" and letting me talk without trying to cheer me up. Having them say they knew just how I felt because they lost a parent didn't help. I have lost both my parents who I dearly loved, and losing my husband was a whole other thing, which I never understood til it happened to me. Thanks for the laugh. I know the feeling.
  2. Pamela, that is so normal. I had to go to the hospital after my husband died, to visit my step father. I was so overcome with the flood of awful memories I started to hyperventilate and felt a full blown panic attack coming on. I had to go outside to try and compose myself before going back in.
  3. Yes. This is why I hate coming to this board, but at the same time I love it. I cry every time I come here, but it's a relief to know that there are people who understand so very well what we are going through. This time of year is very hard. For a whole summer, I watched my husband stuggle, fight and inevitably give in to this disgusting horrible illness that robbed him of everything before it took his life. When my father died, I had my mother and my friends to turn to. When she in turn died, I had my husband's strong shoulder to cry on and the comfort of knowing that with him, life did indeed go on. When he left me, there was no one to turn to and the void he left can never be filled.
  4. silkee, my deepest sympathy for your loss. It is very recent, and your anger is normal. I know how enraged I was with certain aspects of my husband's care. He was treated royally at the hospital until it became apparent he would not survive. Then the doctors turned their backs on him, and treated him as though he didn't matter anymore - as though he were not a real person any more. I cannot tell you how this still pains me to think about. Write a letter, putting down all your thoughts and feelings about your mom's care. Put the letter away for a month, and if you still feel your complaints are legitimate at the end of that time, send it. I did this with a home nursing service, and did send the letter and it was somewhat theraputic to get that anger, hurt and resentment out. I still feel I did the right thing.
  5. Lily that is so true. I lost both my parents, but losing my husband was not the same. Although I loved my parents and grieved deeply for them, I didn't live with them, my future was not with them, my LIFE was not with them. The loss of a spouse is the loss of everything you hoped and dreamed and planned. I lost my best friend, my confident, my strength, my partner, lover and family. I feel like I have no home now, because HE was my home. I didn't understand this until it happened to me, and having well-meaning people say "I know how you feel. I lost my mother/father." I know they were trying to comfort me, but I wanted to scream "It's NOT the same!!" To everyone else, my husband's death is ancient history after 4 years, but to me it's a struggle every day to cope with this loss.
  6. Dear Joan, It's only been one month, and denial, guilt, anger and grief and final acceptance are stages we must all go through. You are NOT crazy, believe me. I lost my mother to cancer and my husband as well and I feel the pain of losing my husband will never go away. It WILL get better, but don't rush it. Let yourself feel whatever it is you feel and don't let ANYONE tell you that you should be over it by a certain date. Doesn't work that way. What I most highly recommend is a support group for people who have lost their parents. It won't make you get over your loss, or make your grief any less, but it WILL ease you to talk to other people who really do know what you are going through. At the very least, it will help you understand that your feelings are so normal. Some things are too big to handle alone. I never thought I would join any kind of group, but in my desperation I called and it's one of the better things I did and really helped save my life. It's a relief to talk to people who know what you are saying, and I think YOU need to talk! There are a few lines that I find so very touching and so very true: "Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." Vicki Harrison
  7. Thanks Cathy. Yes, this day is harder than many others and I try to just ignore it. I have 3 roses that my husband went and got for me on the last Valentine's Day of his life, and while he was undergoing chemotherapy. I dried them and kept them. I wish that happy memories of past Valentine's Days could comfort me, but instead they cause me only great pain and a reminder of all that has been lost. I'm sorry to be a downer.
  8. Wow! I'm reading all these posts with tears for the pain, and saying, "Yes, oh yes - I know!" Yep, I did so well and was so strong - everyone said so. I too was dazed, numbed and not allowing myself to think or feel. If any feelings did come up, I would snuff them out with pills until I was a zombie. People chose to believe that I was fine, and left me alone in my house the night of my husband's death, after first asking "Are you alright?" "You're strong" they said. I wasn't strong!! I was in a state of terror, shock and desperation but I couldn't give in cause who would take care of my husband? And about the "rooms"...my husband had recently taken up woodworking as hobby, and was very excited about retiring and spending Sundays at flea markets, selling his creations and enjoying life after working since he was 14. Entering his woodworking room caused such pain it nearly floored me, and even going in there now is nearly impossible. It's his loss I cry for, not mine. He was the eternal optimist, always excited about the future and the possiblities that lay there, always full of plans and dreams. Candy, I'm so sorry about the attitude towards your husband's ashes. I too have my husband's ashes near me, and to have anyone call them "disgusting" is cruel beyond belief. When people say hurtful and thoughtless things to me, I just have to tell myself it's because they cannot possibly understand. Sorry for the jumbled up post. I can't seem to say what I really want to.
  9. Pam, we understand! After my husband's death, people would ask me "So, how are you?" What I wanted to answer is "I am heartbroken, devastated and in the worst pain I've even known because I have lost my partner, friend, family, lover and my future. How do you think I feel?" Instead I would say "Oh fine" and I could hear the relief in their voices at hearing this. They didn't want to hear my pain. The worst comments I got were from people I thought were friends. One said "Well, everyone has to die sometime." And "Now you can come and live downtown - after all, you're free now." (Free????) Another friend asked why I was not looking foreward to Christmas. I was stupified at first, but mentioned that maybe the fact that I was alone in the world had some bearing on that feeling. She said "Oh, I know what you mean. Sometimes Peter (her husband) has to work on Christmas and I am alone." What do you say to this?? I cut these people out of my life without hesitation. I no longer tolerate anyone who brings me down, or is totally negative or dismissive. Friends are people who are on your side. And we should not have to apologize for being down, or for crying. Sometimes just a little sympathy can do wonders. But no one who has not been where we are can understand. It's not their faults, so a board like this where we ARE understood is such a relief to come to. I wish you all peace for the New Year.
  10. Right Ann - the shock protects us for quite awhile. I was a dynamo the year following my husband's death. There was nothing I could not do! The second year is much harder, I found. The shock has worn off and the reality of life as it now sets in.
  11. peggy

    New area....

    Thank you for that poem, Lilyjohn. It says it all.
  12. peggy

    jealous and anger

    Oh, man, Shirley! Do I know what you mean! In the early stages of my grief (as you are in yours) I positively felt hatred for elderly couples in particular. Every time I would see them, I would be screaming inside "It's not fair!! Why do THEY get 50 years, and we only got 17??" Going out on Saturday nights was impossible. That is "couples" night, and seeing them in restaurants having intimate dinners was way too painful a reminder of what I had and lost. Anger is a stage of grief, and a normal part of it. Don't deny your feelings - this too will pass, I promise. You are NOT alone in what you feel. Hugs to you.
  13. Dear Christina 5 1/2 months is no time at all, and you are most likely still in the "dazed" stage. This affects all of us very differently. Two weeks after my husband's death, I was stripping wallpaper and painting. It seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, but looking back I know I was in a state of shock. I had to fill every minute of every day, just wishing the hours to pass so I could go to the oblivion of my bed. After the shock wore off, I became unable to do the simplest things - everything seemed pointless and too much effort. I think you may be mistaken about not being depressed. Depression has many signs aside from crying all day. Being unable to concentrate, loss of appetite, sleeping a great deal, lethargy - all part of depression. It's good you have a job, but try and take a little time to do things you enjoy - a long hot soak, reading a book, watching a movie, just going for a walk or yes - even "wasting" a day away. Be gentle with yourself and don't push too hard, o.k.? What kind of support do you have? Family, friends....? Have you seen a counselor or joined a support group?
  14. peggy

    New area....

    Kathy - Oct 12! This is brand new for you, and I know just exactly how you feel - you are still in a state of shock, because even though deep in our minds we knew they were going to die - the denial is very very strong. Yes, I "knew" my husband was dying, but I didn't really know - if that makes any sense. When I talked to a counselor and told her that I couldn't face the fact that he would die, she said "How could you? How could face the fact that you were going to lose the most important person in your life - if you did, you could not go on." She was right. Other people mean well, but they just don't know what to say to comfort us - not realizing that there is no comfort. I've learned a lot from this, mainly that people should not try "make it better" by saying things like "He's in a better place" or "It's a blessing". Mostly, what I wanted was to talk - about him and his suffering, and my pain and suffering - but those are things people don't want to hear. No one ever mentions my husband, I guess for fear of me breaking down (although why that is so dreadful I don't know!) It's like he never lived, and that is very hurtful to me. I'm sorry to ramble, but I haven't had a place to talk about this for a long time, so please bear with me. And Kathy - HUGS to you!!!! p.s. I wonder if we could set up a chat night? [/i]
  15. It's so sad when people add to your grief by turning into vultures when a death occurs. Your step dad was your mom's husband, and he does NOT owe anything to anyone. Anything he chooses to give is a GIFT, and one doesn't complain about the size or value of gifts. I had the same problem with one of my husband's daughters hounding me for money - the same daughter who offered him no comfort during his illness. I would just ignore these people. Tell them if they aren't happy, to take him to court over it. That should shut them up. Hopefully it make them realize how classless they are, but I wouldn't count on it. If they call you to gripe, just politely tell them you feel it's none of your business and you do not wish to discuss it.
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