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Dearest Sweet Peggy -- There are givers and takers in this world my friend and you most notably are the giver which I think is probably some of what you could be feeling tooo -- so so much giving and giving and giving and losing nontheless. I've felt that way, at least for me these last few months, as I watched my own husband struggle to stand tall, and keep on and on and on..... These are my own personal thoughts Peg. That maybe you SHOULD take a break from here for a while. [maybe you HAVE absorbed toooo much of our energies, coupled with your own personal emotional overload?]. I can share with you what was shared with me and that is we must protect ourselves in what ever way, whatever manner that looks like Peg. Not just physically from exhaustion -- but mentally as well. I don't think it is a coincidence that your id here is "Stand4hope", do you? It tells me that while there can only be one Mother Theresa, you are probably particularly sensitive to the plight of others and receive that same strength from the circle of hope that comes back to you from other people sharing as well. I know that I do. But there comes a time, and it has come for me, when I must do whatEVER it takes for my OWN internal tapes that repeatedly want my attention and say, "let's shorten those reins Beth -- it's time to look here, to rest, to meditate and pray, to journal and to DO for Beth. And it sounds to me like maybe that is a little of what Peggy may need tooo -- some more nurturing and care, and time for Peggy to rest a while and take care of Peggy....... Just my thoughts, and nothing more to a sweet friend. Love, Beth

Hello everyone - My husband passed July 7 and my world for sure, and that of our daughters has not been same, nor will it ever. The dis-connect I feel from what used to be my normal life, is hard to describe. One thing that I am really interested in doing though, is putting together a book for caregivers and survivors on what to DO, how to PREPARE for the worst when a loved one dies. For instance, there is so much I am finding out NOW that my hubby is gone, that I never knew previously, such as hidden money associated with credit cards, home loans and the like. I was wondering if I were to prepare a brief questionnaire, whether or not you would be agreeable to responding? The questions will be focused on different areas of typical concern such as finances, legalities, who to contact and when, and preparedness steps in general, so that when our loved one should pass, we won't feel the overwhelming question of "Oh No, NOW what do I do??". I would love to hear your feedback and opinions. Thanks~ Beth

Dear Family - My husband passed away quietly, peacefully after a long hard struggle; first with his cancer of course, but in the end, with much fluid in the lungs, and his poor heart just couldn't keep up, and his lungs were tooo weak to get rid of. He died yesterday at 11:15 a.m. And while my heart aches in ways I've never known or realize just yet, I can tell you that these last seven months together were God's Gift to each of us -- to make our amends; to love each other unconditionally; and to "be" the story-book, the fairy-tale lovers and friends that we always imagined a marriage would be. I am so very grateful to have had this honor of being there without any thought of my own, other than to love and to help him through this.... As much as I prayed for our daughter to make it back from Australia before he passed, I know there are no coincidences; that she wasn't supposed to 'see' him in his final hours -- so that she could remember her dad as she always had, and not brought out on a gurney..... I've called Australia to let the group know so they will comfort her and she will carry on. The funeral will be held upon her return -- and it is going to be such a wonderful great tribute to a man that was so very loved, by so many. I can only wish for such rememberances..... I will be back, but not for some time now as I try to take care of business and prepare for our daughter's return, and the greatest celebration and honor of all time -- my husband's memory. Thank you all for your support, your wisdom, experience, strength and hope for all of us on this rocky road. As I pray for my hubby, I will pray for each of you as well, and all of our recoveries. Big Hugs - Beth Husband of 23 years passed July 7 at 11:15 a.m., while the Angels waited nearby....

[[[[[[[Renee]]]]]]]]] So many prayers and Best Wishes for God's Will in all of this. It is so very hard to walk this walk but with faith and hope, you can do this~ Your husband needs you so much right now. I know, because my husband is in similar situation. Please feel free to write to me privately if you wish. I am here for you. Big Hugs - Beth

Hello everyone -- Thank you so very much for your prayers and offerings of strength and faith. We do all so need them don't we??? Every single day is do unbelievably unique today more than ever -- each day Bob becomes a little more weak, requiring more drugs to stabilize breakthrough pain. Our daughter's last day is today before she goes off to Australia for two weeks and I tell you -- God really does work in mysterious ways. Because while my husband is too weak physicially, now -- and sooo bereft emotionally to comprehend much at all -- our daughter is so sound and strong in her love for her father and understands probably more maturely than I at times, what's happening. So they've not said their "good-byes"; but, instead she carries with her the profound knowledge of love that they have for each other. Is astounding to me. And I've encouraged her, to say what needs to be said now but like her dad, they have this unspoken pact I suppose that exhudes unconditional love and admiration. My job now, is to take her to the airport tomorrow with smiles for HER once-in-a-lifetime journey with a host of other musicians and lift her up to God to watch over her; as I ask Him to continue to do for me what I can not do for myself -- be strong, let go, have faith that because Of Him I am still here today to continue my husband's love for our daughter, and be the loving gentle wife and caretaker to my husband that at times I never was -- but always wanted to be. And the days seem to be growing shorter. Thanks for your wishes, Big Hugs - Beth

Hello Everyone - Just Monday morning we visited our onc one last time; and after taking blood [and platelets were like, nil]; the doctor determined it would be best [at this time] for Bob to get with Hospice. His blood after a month and some weeks now, is just so so poor, he would never sustain another transfusion. So by Monday afternoon, Hospice was called in. The concensus from Hospice [and from our onc], is pretty grim. Combined with Bob's blood problems, he has ascites pretty severely, his liver is swolen and breathing already compromised -- the concensus is he could have "a few weeks or month(s)".... I'm sure we'll know more come the weekend. We're still praying for miracles, and I've asked that his blood be drawn this next week or so [just to see whether or not there's been a change that would allow us SOME treatment other than Hospice.]. The flip side I've been told, is that when conditions have progressed this far down the road, even if transfusions could be done, they could still be life threatening and not sustain an already deteriiorated physical state. Hey -- I'm only the messenger.

[[[[[[[[[[Peggy]]]]]]]]]]]]] --- I am so very sorry for having to make this life-altering decision; I have learned from your strength to carry it out, and believe so very strongly that there are no mistakes. You did not make this decision alone - your family and your God was with you. And I believe just as much, that your father knows that too -- which is why you were, where you were. There are no coincidences in my humble opinion. I look forward to the day when you're here again -- you give us all such strength and hope. Big Hugs - Beth

Thanks Cat, Heather -- to answer Cat - no, the onc. didn't ask any such questions; just said that it probably was just the 'progression' of the disease; in other words, maybe the tumor was intruding into his airways, or some such and I get turned OFF with "maybe this, maybe that"~. So I'm not sure actually, he either said airways or brochial something.... I can't IMAGING him going through Chemo AND Radiation at the same time~ whew.... I've done some reading and from I'm able to determine is that lots of blood is not a good thing; but a little blood is 'typical' -- I guess. Thanks for responding~

Well, our continuing story is that last Tuesday Bob couldn't have his chemo 'cause his blood cells were like, almost non-existent~ severely low platelets and white blood cells like, nil. So we wait -- this is week seven of no chemo since his three-week stint of radiation to brain and spine and blood transfusions. Early this morning he is coughing up blood and {I just can't believe this}, his legs and back pain is coming back!~ After 3-weeks of radiation~ I told him he MUST have some resistence to all of this [since he never lost his hair either - can you imagine???]. But I'm rather scared from the blood - called the onc on call who's retort was " well, yes that is pretty standard for extensive stage SCLC, he's just following the progression of the disease. " I took a big sigh and said, "Oh, I feel much beter now~" In other words -- what in the hell does THAT mean????? And how does HE know it's not chronic heart failure [bob also has pain down his arm but not in his chest], or an embolism, or or or?????? He asked me if we've called Hospice yet. I really resent the fact that since these guys are the only oncs. in town, literally -- they've got you; and frankly, interest outside of the cookie-cutter manifestations is nonexistent. And they don't really care because, they say - he should be with Hospice. Monday we go and see our Oncologist. And maybe he's right -- it seems that no matter what we've done, that nothing really IS working, and Bob's blood just can't keep up with the demands of the chemo and radiation. This radiation really kicked butt I tell you. He's slept literally -- on and off all day for this past week; walking only from the bed to the living room, and back on and off all day and all night long. Resting, eating a little bit, and resting some more..... In case you can't tell, I'm slightly befuttled, disenchanted and discouraged. I don't know what is right any more I guess [not that I ever did mind you]; sorry to be rambling..... Any thoughts or experiences witih coughing up blood would be welcomed. Thanks for letting me share. Beth

Peggy, I apologize for not writing sooner -- but I have no doubt in my mind that whatever decision you've made or continue to make will be the very best decision -- and also the RIGHT decision to make because you're acting, you're doing out of love. You cannot go wrong. And no one BUT you has the same vantage point, understands and knows the facts as do you. Trust your heart -- trust God, and know that you carry so many of us with you during this time. My arms are around you now --- I am so so very sorry for this critical position you are faced with..... Big Hugs to you Peggy Keep that courage and faith ~ Beth

Welp guys -- that ole fear factor is trying to creep back into my life again.... this time it's because after three weeks of radiation [and seeing the last CT scan in April and the fact that while screwing with this neuropathy stuff, and blood transfusions and, and, and, his primary tumor in the chest has doubled!~] and having come back from chemo today, they said we have to wait yet again, I'm like "alright now -- I'm tired of this waiting game guys"......... Today his hemoglobin was raised from 7.2 to 8.4 [yeahhhh~]; however his platelets were almost non-existent; and his white blood cells [geeze, I think that's what they said] were at one thousand and something. I wondered why my poor husband was asleep even when he was awake! [smile]. Poor thing. I mean to tell you, he would sleep 24/7 literally. Next week we go back to the doctors and pray again for a better count. But I hate this waiting while this cancer grows..... His stomach is distended from his liver; and sore at times but ya know I guess everything single thing is so relative..... The only good thing is that he's retiring at the end of the month, thank God, and quite frankly, I don't know if he'll see much more of the office -- he can't stay awake! And when he can, he can barely walk he is so so weak! And then [this is my last gripe ya'll, I'm sorry]; on top of all of that, the radiation sucked the good brain cells too; so that he's "half-here" if you know what I mean, everything comes to him much slower now..... I never ever could have believed that life could look and feel so totally different in a little 24-hour period of time. This disease just HAS to be the single-most insidious and nasty disease there is. And while I'm scared, youbetcha, at the same time I am so so grateful that he is alive and that I am his caretaker. There is nothing else short of waiting on my daughter when SHE comes home from camp, that I love more than this. Just to "be" here for him, and her, to be needed, to be helpful, and to give my love without expectations -- something so very novel for me ladies..... I am still grateful. Just scared..... Thanks for listening and for everyone here that is such a loving part and support of this terrific forum. What would we do, otherwise????

Ya das est der prunes by the plenty there Don~ Plus, youbetcha, I'd hid whatever vitamins minerals and juices I can/could and DO in my husband's drinks and food~ Maybe if you tell her it's a type of fermented wine she won't balk??? Who knows? I told my husband his Metamuscil was Oregano in the stroganoff - who knew?? I am sure of one thing however, your mother is lucky to have such a pro-active, concerned and understanding son as you to be her advocate. We're all here for you and wish you lots of hope and continued strength on your journey - keep coming back~ Beth

Dear Shelley -- Prayers for your continued strength, and deep breathes for your fathers journey to become painless and that he will receive miracles. I am so so sorry for what you're having to endure right now..... I can tell you that yoiu give ME strength though, as I walk my own journey into the unknown...... Big hugs, prayers and lots of hope my friend. Beth ========================= Husb. diag. 12/03 w/Stage IV SCLC Mets to spine, liver, bones 13 carbo/taxol, removed because of low platelets developed neuropathy (2) blood transfusions and switched to CPT-11 CT revealed lesion on brain; started whole brain radiation; Extreme pain necessitated radiation on spine; Pain much better thank God~ Four treatments left then start of CPT-11 again. Praying for a miracle

Thanks everyone for your testimonials and support! It sounds like I need to go and try this Weight Gain 2200 -- I'm so grateful that I put it out there for ya'll to share with me. I think I'll try that. Had another powder dinner-thing from a nutritionist [even mixed with Old Fashioned Peanut Butter and bananas] but he didn't like the gritty taste from the Glutamite. We'll try this. See, I think thought that no matter what I do it's the Glutamite that makes it yucky for him~. But I'm scared to not keep him on it cause he is profoundly week he can hardly walk now and this stuff is a steroid-like powder stuff that is supposed to help muscles. Maybe though with the ice cream it will make a diffence. I'm going to get it. Thanks so much~ Elaine - thank you for your warm hello. It feels good to be around. Too easy to get caught up in our tight little isolated world ya know??? Hugs - Beth

Hello everyone. I know I've been remiss in writing for a while now, [and our 17 yo is a counselor away at camp you'd think I'd have more time!]; but my time has been chewed up literally between taking care of my husband [if I don't remind him he doesn't EAT~]; getting meds; and trouble-shooting side effects with pharmacists and doctors~ He is into week two of whole brain radiation and spinal. The good news is that thank God, he is pretty much off the every-two-hour 3-6 oxycodones he was taking so I guess that means radiation is working in his spine at least~ Thank you God. The pain was just awful for him there for a while. Course, the flipside is that even with all of the ensure, the ice cream, the whatever-I-can-Get-Him-to-eat stuff - he's still loosing weight~ And the radiation just wipes him out in a big way. He is still working half days [as of today~] and I think he sees enough now himself that there just ain't no way he can work full time. If we have radiation at 7:30 am. by noon he's had it. And I'm pretty sure that he will be seeking disability in the immediate future. It is just becoming toooo tiring, tooo taxing mentally, just too exhaustive to try to work and take care of himself too. I've no idea what that means for me just yet and my full time job but hey ya know? This is the way I look at life these days -- I am convinced beyond a doubt that [my] God didn't bring me this far to leave me now, ya know what I mean???? And I ain't sweatin it. So for now it's eight more radiation treatments and we'll take another look at finishing our regimen of chemo and THEN new tests~ Any thoughts out there on weight loss in the face of eating food Oh, and, swelling of his feet and ankles? I'm concerned about CHF but the doctors aren't -- these guys seem to be such pro's, they're hardly concerned about anything~ [sorry]..... I'm sure some of you can relate. That's my story, that's where we are today and I am praying for our tomorrows. Big hugs to you all - Beth ============================================ Husband diagnosed 12/03 w/Stage 4 SCLC mets to spine/liver/bones/and now brain. Had to get off Taxol-carbo because of neuropathy; switched to CPT-11. Cat scan from back pain showed single lesion in brain. Started whole brain and spine radiation 6/2 for three weeks. ------------------------------- Mine is the prayer fo Surrender~ because I am Powerless.