judeminiken

You are all so awesome! Each day this week, I have felt a little better....my cold has subsided, and I am keeping really busy as you have all suggested. My son and his family will be coming down tomorrow (the first time since the funeral) and so I will be with 2 of my grandkids tomorrow. I am looking forward to this three day weekend, as a time to hopefully get outside. I love the garden idea and the more I think about it, I am going to do a little "memorial" spot along the bank that was just put in. I was SO LOW last Sunday, and I don't know why, but I find it very hard to ask for help in my "real life." But asking here, seemed very safe...........I could let out my feelings and know that you would understand. Hospice is trying to get ahold of me.....sending me pamplets, calling and leaving messages....but I just don't want to respond. Again, it is too "here" for my comfort, if that makes sense. I guess in some ways I might be in denial. But I do thank God for you all....you have been a great comfort. In fact, you threw me a lifeline. Jude M

Rochelle, thank you and all the others for your responses. Yes, today is a bit better and I am getting lots of rest. It is funny that you mention the weather. Actually we are waiting for another snow storm to hit the coast of Washington tonight, where I live, and so as much as I am itching to get out in it, and I even see the cherry tree has blossomed, we will probably wake up to a blanket of snow. Very unusual for this area. Usually, I rototill the ground in March to get in peas and onion sets. Jude M

Janette, my heart goes out to you. I agree....this is way harder than I ever imagined. I am staying home again today from work.....trying to shake a cold. I heard that it is not uncommon to get sick about a month after losing someone....and that is just about when this sickness hit. It is hard to stay active when you feel so rotten physically. So this is going to take some time. Thank you for your response. Jude M

Thank you for your responses. I think I just have to let it happen..and the notion of staying busy is good....I did that today for awhile and it helped a little bit. But the tears just keep coming and coming. I also have a really bad cold, and that doesn't help. Also, I like the idea of a garden. I usually put in a vegetable garden..but last years produce died on the vine as Don's situation got worse... I didn't even clean out the remains and put the garden to sleep as I usually do. I hired a good working young man last week who cleaned up the garden space, put on a fresh layer of compost that has been cooking for 12 years unused (he said that I had some prehistoric worms in it that were more like garden snakes ) trimmed my hedge and built me a bank along the hedge with bricks and dirt so that I can plant more flowers. This weekend I bought some garden stakes with funny faces on them in the shapes of different vegetables, hoping that my anticipation of the growing season will get me going. It helped pull me out of the hole a bit...but I just keep slipping back. And then I think of all the people on here still going through their battle and I get angry at myself for being such a baby. So it is like a teeter totter emotionally...and I am a therapist! I'm good at pulling others out of holes but not so good at pulling myself out. It is good to write about it. Maybe I should start journaling....that is another good idea. Thanks again for your responses. They will keep my going for tomorrow.

Hi Everyone. This is Don M's wife again. I think I am hitting the wall with my grieving, and wondered if there is a place for grievers to talk to one another in here? Thank you.

To Judy in Key West...Thank you so much for your response....I think this is going to be a day of tears for me, and so the saying is very appropriate. In fact the tears are flowing now. Thank you for understanding the anger....thank you for appreciating the story and thank you also for loving Don. I feel a deep hunger for conversation. Maybe that is just because of the huge hole in my heart. I know that you all understand, and that is very comforting. I am really surprised sometimes that those out there in the real world are well....so insensitive to the pain someone is going through when they lose a loved one. I also think that Don would be very glad that I am meeting all of you here. In fact, I think that is part of what he had in mind when he made me promise to let you all know of his passing. He knows me well enough to know that I would be having "days of tears." You are truly a comfort.

In response to Randy's post, yes.....I have been doing that also. I walk into "his" room and tell him I love him...and when I did that when he was alive, he would always answer, "and I love you too." Now, I simply repeat his words for him. I guess if anyone heard me, they would think I was going off the deep end...but in some strange way, it is very comforting to have these conversations. He has also been very active in our dreams. He hasn't yet talked to me in the dreams but he has talked to his daughters in their dreams. One of the things that Don and I joked about before his death, was if there was a way for him to communicate with me after death, he was going to do it. We joked about it frequently enough, that the rest of the family got in on it also. The night of the day that he died, we were all sitting around in his room and I was sitting on his hospital bed. We were of course reliving the events of the day...and all of a sudden, the hospital bed started rising on its own! I guess the look on my face was pretty shocking, and all of the family started laughing and said "THAT'S DAD!" (Actually, I discovered that I was sitting on the control, and when I slightly moved, it activated the bed.....but we all had a great comic relief laugh anyway.) It is good to talk about these things, and I am so very grateful for your kindness in allowing me the privilege of sharing these memories. Thank you. Jude M

Thank you everybody. I have followed your instructions and have been reading his posts, and it feels like I am having a conversation with him. One that I read was the post where he had to fight with the insurance company to get the cyberknife approved. I remember that day well. He was pretty happy with his results of getting them to listen. I agree with many of the responses of you all to his post. What an incredible shame that people who are fighting the disease have to fight the insurance companies as well! There is something that is fundamentally wrong about that. One big difference between me and Don is that Don was able to be "nice" the whole time he was interacting with, as I lovingly state it, "idiots," whereas I would get down right angry and let people know it. He was so much more patient than I. When he had his port installed, the hospital told us it would take only 25 minutes. We got to the hospital at 7:30 in the morning and at 4 in the afternoon, we were still there. Don was calm. I was enraged. I left the room to avoid making a fool out of myself. The doctor finally came in and "sensed" my rage, and didn't have the sense to leave me alone. He actually was looking for PRAISE for the wonderful job that he did. Don was so weak, and was hurting so bad......and the doc...wanted praise........... Wow....I had forgotten about that day until now! I will take you at your word that I can continue to post here. Over time, maybe I can learn some good things from you all, like how to be civil in the midst of your trials.

Kasey, thank you for your response, and as I said, you have done a GREAT thing, not a small thing, in helping us to grieve and heal I bet you are more experienced with this room than I am, and how to navigate it. I would really like to read some of Don's posts, but I don't know how to get to them. Can you explain how to me? Thank you again...you have brightened my day by your comments. (I don't feel very amazing, but it is nice to know that someone thinks that! ) Jude M

Hello to all out there in cyberland. This is Mrs. Don M. again. I had posted earlier, but somehow it got lost and I wasn't able to find it. I thought I saved it as a favorite so that I could see if any of you responded, but it didn't work. I am going to try again here. What I had said in the earlier post was to thank you all again for all of your supportive comments about Don to me and his kids. Your support has done a LOT to help with our grieving and healing. It occurred to me after I came out of the shock of his death a bit, that all of you who took the time to respond are going through similar things to what I witnessed Don going through.....and yet despite your own pain and suffering, you were here to comfort us. Wow! I also wanted to tell you that at Don's service, the pastor decided to eulogize Don by reading some of your replies to Amanda and me concerning Don and the effect that he had in this room and in your lives. I must say there wasn't a dry eye in the sanctuary...and his family couldn't have been more proud and yet humbled at the same time by what you all said. This must be an amazing room. The other thing that I tried to express in the earlier post that got lost in cyberspace was that I wish that I somehow could help you all in some small way, as Don did. But I guess unless you live with it, it is hard to be in that role. One thing though that I would encourage all of you to do, and your family members also...(and I hope this doesn't sound too trite)...is to value every minute that you have with your loved one going through all of battle. I sit here now wishing that on those evenings when I was just too tired to talk, that I had stayed a little longer with Don before going to bed.... But we did have one very special moment on Christmas Day that I want to share with you. The whole family had gathered, even our son and his family who live in Arizona, because we all suspected that this Christmas would be Don's last. Early in the morning, before anyone had awakened, about 4, I think, I woke up and went into Don's room. He was awake also....and I have to tell you...that I don't remember ever having a white Christmas in this part of Washington until this year.....and looking outside, the snow was gently falling, and everything was coated in a fresh layer of white......It was magic...and inside.the stockings, all 14 of them were filled to overflowing, with stuffed animals and candy canes sticking out of the top of them.....and Santa had come, leaving under the tree with the other wrapped presents, a bike for Don's 7 year old grandson, a drum set for the 4 year old grandson with the big eyes and musical bent, and a first doll house of the 2 year old granddaughter. And we sat there in the quiet....and the moment was just on the brink of ultimate anticipation of what was about to happen as the grandkids began to wake up and run down the stairs to see what Santa had brought....I don't think I can remember ever experiencing a moment in time that was so perfect.... It reminds me of a Zen story I once read about a man falling over a cliff but catching on the way down a branch......and hanging on for dear life to that branch, he looked up and saw a wild strawberry growing from the side of the cliff...and he plucked it with one free hand and ate it..........and it was the sweetest taste he had ever tasted...... Anyway, I would encourage all of you to find your special perfect moments, and taste, see, experience the sweetness of the strawberry. Jude M.

Hello. This is Mrs. Don M. again. I have posted a couple more times on this site, but I guess I am doing something wrong, because they don't seem to get posted. I will try this time to see if it shows up....and if not, try something else.

Dear Members. I must tell you how wonderful you all have been in our time of grieving Don M. You not only have helped Amanda and me, but also Don's other children, Josh, Joe and Sarah. I am attaching the obituary that I submitted today to our local paper, so you can see a little more of Don than before. I want you to know that the words I wrote that refer to this room and the people in it, I wrote before you all responded to my first post and Amanda's first post. It is so wonderful that the words that I wrote, you clearly illustrated their truth by your supportive posts. My daughter Sarah wrote the poem for her dad, Don M., after watching him fight the good fight, and struggle for breath..more and more. Pulsating life, the drum reflects, pushing howl of the flute, earth’s music is my blood. Slow steady nature flows, and my tender heart keeps harmonious time forever. I watch the painted shapes of flowing rhythm, I envision the dreams and sleep soothingly takes my leathered hand---leads me to the sweet scent of heaven’s showers, where dripping canopies revive my weary soul. Wind is my breath, dancing, lifting, weaving, protecting. I exhale and life goes ever on. -Sarah Miniken Donald E. Miniken Jr., 64, died of complications from lung cancer, Monday, Jan. 5, 2009. Don was born in Bremerton, Sept. 3, 1944, to Don and Kathleen Miniken. He was the oldest of 13 children. He was raised in Everett, where he attended Catholic and public schools, graduating from Everett High School in 1962. After graduation he attended seminary intending to enter the priesthood. His plans changed however (he could not stand the bells) and after a brief stint in the National Guard, he transferred to Washington State University where he studied forestry. In 1973, he married Judith Fox and they had four children. Don attended Green River College to pursue his degree in forestry. The family moved to Quinault in 1979, when Don went to work for the U.S. Forest Service. He worked there until retiring in 2005. He loved his job, the woods and the wonderful people with whom he worked. Don had many hobbies and talents. He took thousands of photos over the years of nature, of his children and of anything in which he caught a glimpse of beauty. He loved music of all kinds but specifically classical music and rock & roll. He loved the out-of-doors and spent a lot of time camping and hiking with his children. Don had a dry sense of humor that would catch a person off guard. He had a way of helping people to humor that would catch a person off guard. He had a way of helping people to broaden their perspective by his commentary on any given situation. He had a gentle compassionate nature that is rare. He was eclectic in his spiritual beliefs, embracing the Spirit of Holiness wherever he could find it and in places where most people forget to look. He would rather give money to the homeless in secret than sit at the table of the pompously rich. He was particularly drawn to Shamanistic expression of faith and he loved Native American drumming. He enjoyed watching movies, reading, gardening, traveling and visiting with people whom he loved. When Don was diagnosed with lung cancer, he made it a point to fight it by learning all that he could about it. In fact more than one of the doctors who treated them over the past five years commented that he could converse with him in medical terms about his condition as though he had medical training himself. He visited a couple of cancer support groups on-line and was greatly appreciated by other cancer survivors with whom he shared his story. He was highly regarded as one who could bring hope and encouragement to those fighting the disease. He helped more than one person pursue treatment options that ultimately saved their lives. Don is survived by his wife of 35 years, Jude; his children, Josh (Tracy), Amanda (fiancé, Ian), Joe (Mandie) and Sarah (boyfriend, Danny); his mother, Kathleen; brothers, Michael, Kevin, Dennis, Jim and Jack; sisters, Mary, Cecelia, Joan, Ellen, Suzanne and Annie; grandchildren, Devin, Chloe, Keaton and soon to be born, Sean; and many nieces and nephews. His father, Don Sr. and brother, Ed preceded him in death. A service to celebrate his life will be held at 3 p.m., Saturday, Jan. 10, 2009, at the Montesano Presbyterian Church. The family suggests remembrances be sent to The Montesano Presbyterian Church, the Union Gospel Mission or to Home Health and Hospice. The family sends out a special thanks to Robin H. and Kim of Hospice; Greg The family sends out a special thanks to Robin H. and Kim of Hospice; Greg of Lincare; the staff at Grays Harbor Hospital pharmacy staff and the staff at Rite-Aide. To sign the online guestbook or to light a memorial candle visit: www.harrisonfamilymortuary. com. Again, thank you LUNGevity People. I will come here again. Jude M.

Dear Friends of Don M: I see that my daughter Amanda already informed you of Don M's passing and I have read your wonderful responses to her. I am his wife, Jude, and I must tell you that he gave me strict instructions to get on this site when he passed away to inform you all not only of his death, but also to let you know how much you all meant to him. I think that you know that from the responses that you have sent, but since I promised him I would post, I am doing it. Don did fight the good fight to the end. Day before yesterday, he looked me in the eye and said, "This is hard." Through his pain, he never once was anything but loving and compassionate to the people around him. I have heard that sometimes the stress of it all will bring out the worst in a person, but if that is the case, I guess there was not much "worse" in him. I thank you all for being such a support to him. He urged me from time to time to get on line and post, as I guess many family members do, but I never did. My reluctance I know was my loss, after reading your posts. It was a priveledge to be married to him for 35 years. He was a great father, as Amanda says and a pretty good darn husband too! I do want you all to know that he indeed did have a smile on his face when he passed away....and I have never seen such a look of peace on anyone's face ever. He leaves to you all his enduring love and I know that where his spirit is now, he is still being a cheerleader for all who face this war. Sincerely, Jude M