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Elaine

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  1. Elaine

    Melanie Russ

    I never posted my fives.. but every day I still do my "fives". Some days it's darn hard to do them.. but when I struggle, I always think of Melanie .. and how she always seemed to have her five in line and probably at least another 10 to go with it.. When I first saw this post.. I could barely catch my breath..but thinking of her... since, I realize.. that I should do my best not to be sad.. because her gift to us and probably so many others has left this world a better place.. love and fortitude elaine
  2. I guess my strongest trait is my ability to be introspective.. which is also a weakness... so maybe they cancel each other out .. lol. Leaving me with no character strength..and in that case.. I would have a few somewhat strengths, which would not be an answer to the question.. now would it..? lol
  3. Hey girl! So sorry I have been MIA.. but not really cos I have never stopped thinking of so many of us oldtimers..lol. Your trial sounds exciting.. sounds weird to say,but you know what I mean... You are one tough one.. and cancer picked a formidable foe. Keep us posted... love and fortitude elaine
  4. Oh Peggy I hope you are feeling better today. I hug you every day in my thoughts. I just can't come here like I used to, not until I can get things straight in my head... sheesh.. that may never happen.. lol. So instead of saying that... I guess I can't be here on the board more until I can feel somewhat more balanced.. sheesh that may never happen... lol. So instead of that .. I guess I can't be here more often until I feel like I can be of some use to someone here. I think that could happen. My heart is never going to stop breaking when I come here.. I figured that out finally. And that is the human thing to feel.. heartbreak...means we are alive and in touch with ourselves... and the universe. I love you so much and how you were and are so strong. Don taught you all the lessons he had.. they are there with you...and the way I believe, he is still there with you.. teaching you in small ways the things he is now knowing. love and fortitude elaine
  5. Hello my dear friends I just looked and I have not posted since the middle of August. I am so sorry. I have checked in maybe once a week and I see so many new names that I feel overwhelmed. I do want you all to know that each of you is in my heart each day. It is hard for me to be brief as many of you know.. but I do think I owe an update. Last time I posted I was on my way to Iowa City to be with my 26 year old daughter who had called that day having been dxed with a brain mass. The phone call I got from my daugher that morning was one of the most devasting moments I have had... and I have had a few... By that afternoon, she told me that the second Dr she saw that day had been told it was benign--an acoustic nueroma. Well, when I got there, I found out the truth. The Dr. THOUGHT it was an acoustic nueroma but could not be certain. My little girl was trying to protect me....how horrible I felt about that... I was there for 10 days, and she had another MRI that showed no change. Her team of Drs. thought that waiting 8-10 weeks and doing another MRI would be better than her doing gamma knife or a biopsy. But it was her choice. She chose to wait. I consulted with my neurologist who said that would be his suggestion also. However, when I finally pressed my daughter's Dr. into explaining to me why anyone had even done an MRI on my daughter to begin with, I found out that instead of passing out that night, there were several indications that she had in fact, had a seizure. Blood work and the "deep sleep" she was found in. Well, an acoustic nueromas the size of a pea (or any size, usually) do not cause seizures. However another a brain tumor called an astrocytoma do, which is what they were hopefully going to rule out--eventually. These tumors spread throughout the brain's lining. Sometimes causing symptoms when they are too small to be seen. (The last two sentences I wrote, I never told my daugher). SHe was relieved to not have to do anything about it ...for those 2 months. I, on the other hand, freaked out inside. Of course I was strong when with her..but ... When I got back home, the anniversary of my own mother's death at age 30 arrived on the 31 of August. I broke down. It was a long and painful wait for her MRI. Her Boyfriend broke up with her, the week after I left. They had been together for 4 years... and she basically supported him through his first two years of law school... what a jerk However, that was a blessing in disguise for several reasons.. one .. it was good to know he was a jerk now.. rather than later.. and the other that my daughter did not focus soley on the what ifs of her condition. I got to be the one to do that. As a matter of fact, she barely mentioned it. Finally. three weeks ago, she had a MRI... and no change.. so they will not do an MRi for 6 months. I still feel unsettled in my mind about it. So I can't even think that for sure she is all right... but I can tell you that we are so thankful for the news we got that day. To let you know something about my daughter. I am scoring SATs on line. Her MRI was to be during one of the 10 day periods when I work. I could not get her to change the appointment. She did not want me to come. Well, I wasn't going to..but.. that day..I woke up and decided to drive to her.. I knew I could not get there for the appointment..but I could be there pretty close to when she would be done.. I made it an hour before she got home with the good news. Of course she was surprised to see me.. But what surprised me.. is that she had made a first date with a guy for 5 PM that evening. Is that confidence or what? She knew the earliest she would be done at nuerologist would be 3.. and still she made a date.. Ok my news. I had an MRI of spine and and brain a week before my daughter had her last MRI. All clear. CT of chest.. all clear. My counselor who did her best to get me through those 8 weeks, is also trying to help me get on with my life ( which would be great if I had a job).. but..I am doing much better. Oh also I had a bone scan in August that showed my HPOA was about the same. No one knows why I have it and that it has not disappeared.. but a wonderful pain management Dr. added Cymbalta to my nuerontin and I am in so much better shape... hard for me to believe it. I can't say I am pain free.. but.I can almost forget the pain most days. The bad part is that in trying to get on with my life... I have not followed up with my nasty pulmo and I need to becasue everyone keeps telling me that maybe some of my problems are caused by my sleep apnea .. Oh, I have the funniest story ever about the second half of my sleep study.. but.. sorry this is already so long. I am also due for more tests before Christmas and before I run out of money to pay my COBRA. I continue to feel the prayers that so many of you keep sending. I send them back each morining and night. along with love and fortitude elaine
  6. Oh Kelly I cant even believe it has been a year. But on the other hand, a year is not so long. I know the hurt is still so vivid. There is one thing I learned...I learned it very late.. but i am glad I did because it has helped me. I lost my mother when I was 9. I could not get over it. It colored my whole life and saddened it...I wondered when I would "get over it" and wondered why I couldn't. It finally dawned on me: I was never going to get over it. I was going to have to get through it, however I could. I had to learn to live with her loss as a part of my life becasue that loss was not going to go away... ever. Those realizations have helped me almost every day. Yes, sometiems stil bawl like a baby...but I have learned to love myself for it and not feel like I should have stopped crying .... Your mom was so dear to me. I don't know why I am stil here. I don't deserve it, I know. And she didn't deserve to die. That injustice is and always will be what I can't ever come to grips with.. I only hope that someday I will understand why my mother left so soon... But then I remember this: As long as I hold her in my heart she is not gone. She lives in all of us who love her. Please be kind to yourslf. Your mother wanted only the best for you and your sister. love and fortitude elaine
  7. Jamie I remember you as if it were yesterday. I am so sorry about your loss. I hope you hold onto all that you have learned from your dear father's fight and continue to live in his love. love and fortitude elaine
  8. Gay I am so sorry. I know there are not any words that will lift you, now. But I hope one day soon that you will realize that the love you and Dean shared has given you so much to live for now. It has lifted you and will continue to do so because love is for always... I loved Dean, so much. We all did. May he walk in that love forever. elaine
  9. Heather, I am so happy for you. Always have been. You have a great day..and don't watch TV news, if you know what I mean... love and fortitude elaine
  10. Elaine

    Justakid

    Oh Beth, may you walk in peace knowing how much you have been and remain loved. Since I lost my own mother, I have asked so many times the question, "Why?" What justice is pain? Why pain? God bless your family. I hope they come to know how deeply and vividly you still live in their hearts... love and fortitude to them all. elaine
  11. Fay It was a pleasant surprise to find you are at home. Hospitals are dangerous places, it seems. I am not sure what happened--I have been missing posts lately-- but I hope that whatever is up is not keeping you down for long. Keep us posted. love and fortitude elaine
  12. Rachel Sorry I missed your actual birthday. You are so often in my thoughts. You have provided so much inspiration to so many of us--. I remember how scared I was when I first posted and your words about how you were living your life gave me such strength. love and fortitude elaine
  13. Elaine

    Update

    My lc family, I am so sorry I have been "gone" for a few weeks again. I am still having trouble adjusting to all the uncertainty I face--and I know that all of you face it, too. I keep having test after test to find out why if I am NED, I still feel so rotten and have so much pain. And then here is the worst part. My dear, dear daughter has been dxed with a brain tumor. It is called an acoustic nueroma and is apparently benign, but it has been a couple of bad weeks to get to this point of knowing. I am still in shock and unsteady on my feet. Last week we were told it was a cyst. This morning, a tumor and not until a few hours later did we understand that it is most likely benign. I am on my way to be with her. She is miles away from any family and went through all the tests alone because she was taken to ER two weeks ago and didn't call us until she got home the next day. The following week she had an MRI and we were told it was a arachnoid cyst and not to worry. Then today she was called in to do more tests (another MRI and a CT) because several Drs had looked at her MRI and thought more testing needed to be done. The doctors there scared her so badly--and thank goodness they sent her to a University hospital this afternoon where she met with a neurosurgeon, a nuero-oncologist, a rad onc, and a nuerologist who seem to be on the ball. She will have some kind of radio-surgery called Precision 2000 within the next week or so, assuming that is what she chooses to do. She could also do a wait and see approach. It's all very confusing to me, right now and I would appreciate your prayers. love and fortitude elaine Here is a link--I would appreciate if anyone has any first hand knowldege. http://www.uihealthcare.com/depts/med/r ... capel.html
  14. Sorry to hear this news. Once the news settles, I know you will keep fighting the good fight. love and fortitude elaine
  15. Dean I hope you enjoy your visit with your daughter. They are precious, as you know. Give her lots of hugs. I keep you in my thoughts, always. love and fortitude elaine
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