Jana_W

I think my Dad would feel the same as you. Hugs to you. Jana

She really does look beautiful and happy in that photo. Thank you for sharing the story of yours and Pat's journey with her cancer. Take care. Jana

Thanks everyone. You guys are soooooooooooo awesome, even to someone who is only an occasional visitor these days. Thank you so much. I also draw comfort from something that was once told to me. When my Mum was pregnant with me, all the little eggs that could possibly be her grandchildren one day, were all inside of me, growing inside of her. August 4th has been and gone, and so now we begin our 6th year of life without Mum. As usual, I reflect on how much of a better, kinder, more compassionate person I am since Mum's illness. Even in her death, she managed to give something to me. Naturally, like all of you, I'd trade it all back quite happily to be my more selfish former self, with a Mum living. I always find the 4 - 6 weeks leading up to the anniversary of Mum's death to be the hardest, and then when the day actually arrives, I am surprisingly OK in comparison to the weeks before it. I wonder if any one else experiences that? Loving thoughts to all of you, and thank you, once again. Jana xxxxx

Hi all As usual, it's been nearly another year since I've posted. This seems to be the place I come back to every year, as we approach the anniversary of Mum's death. I re-read some of the posts I wrote when she was still here (some form of punishment, perhaps??!), and sit at the computer and cry. It will be five years since I've seen Mum on August 4th. It's still so hard, and so sad. I am now pregnant with baby #3, so will be the 3rd child I have that she never met. I know I am doing better with dealing with the grief, actually I think I always did manage to cope, just was really sad. But these days leading up to the anniversary of her death are always so morbid, filled with reliving those awful last days and memories you'd sooner not have. I still try to remember the exact last time I had a real "Mum moment", the last time she actually hugged me as opposed to just receiving my cuddles. I can't remember them. I never have been able to, as you just don't know when it's the last time, do you? I just miss her so much. I wish I could just have one more big cuddle with her, even if I knew it was to be my last. Just to feel the safety you feel, being held in the arms of your Mum. Sigh. Of course Mum always helped us get through most everything, but she couldn't help us with getting used to living without her. Thank you for reading, even though I am so terribly absent. Love to all Jana xx

Yes, she is right. Thank you. That is exactly what would have been said. Jana xxxx

Hi all Have been thinking alot about Mum these last few weeks, and find myself spending alot of time in those last awful few weeks of her life. We never, ever talked with Mum about the possibility of her dying. For her entire fight with her cancer we all always committed ourselves 100% to fighting it, and trying to research every possible option to keep Mum alive long enough that we would find the thing that would save her. We couldn't do it. But we never allowed Mum to talk with us (maybe she did with Dad, I can't comment on that) about her dying and how much we were going to miss her and how scared we were to be living without her. She just slowly faded away from us and none of things were ever talked about. She knew how much we loved her, we told her, we saw her and held her every day. We all lived together at home in her last week. We massaged her hands and her feet and her head when she could no longer talk, but we never let her have a chance to say any last things she wanted to say to us. I feel so guilty about this. She wouldn't have tried to as she realised we just never were willing to give up. I wonder what she would have said if we had let her. It's a memory I actually wish I had. I just didn't know how to let it happen as all I wanted was for her to get better, so talking about her not getting better seemed so wrong. I guess it was kind of selfish. Can anyone relate to this?

Oh I certainly get that. There are so many things that have changed about me since Mum was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently died. I know that so many of these changes are positive and without doubt I am a kinder, softer, more empathetic person who is now so much more affected by other people's sadness and grief. It's as though our Mums are still adding to our character and helping to shape our personalities even after they have gone, because of the close relationship with had with them and the profound effect their grief therefore has on us. It sure is a mind bender. I think you are a better person than me Nick, in that you can see all the good things it has created in you are worthy of being kept, despite how much you want her back as well. I know that I constantly feel that I would more than happily trade all of it in (and my right arm) to go back to the more selfish, carefree person I was before. Mind you, I suspect we all feel like that at least some of the time. It sure is confusing! Jana xx

Caren Thinking of you at this awful time. I am sorry you have to go through this awful anniversaries. Jana x

Hmmm......interesting topic. I do believe that there can be dysfunctional grief. I know that I have always felt my grief has not been "abnormal", in that I am capable of still doing the things that need to be done etc., and continuining with life, even if it at times I feel in the depths of despair if I am on a down cycle of my journey with my grief. I don't think it's just a matter of a certain time period being indicated as the period within which one should appear outwardly coping. But I do think that there are other indicators that may suggest if an individual could require more assistance with coping. Perhaps some of it lies in how we define "grief"? My grief over the loss of my Mum is just part of my identity now. It cannot be separated out from the rest of me. Jana xxx

Hi Peggy Thoughts going out to you at this difficult time. Jana xx

Wow! What a great group of people you are for remembering me (and Karen), and for taking the time to reply when I have been so absent. Thank you so much, and thank you for understanding. Jana x

Hi Lisa My heart goes out to you. I know that pain and fear you are describing. It's so hard for one to truly comprehend the enormity of such a loss. I wish I had some words that would maybe help you feel better. Keep on breathing and taking one step at a time. It's such a hard time for you. Jana x

Hi Kimberly Oh yes, I remember Scanxiety very very well. And I am also a very impatient person who is not easily distracted (which doesn't help). I think the waiting for results was one of the hardest things. I just wanted to know what we were up against so we could formulate our next plan of attack. It's such a rollercoaster. I am thinking of you. And also hoping that the next lot of results show that the treatment has been working. Thinking of you Jana x

Hi all It has been soooooo long since I've posted, that I wonder if many people reading this will even remember me! But it is coming up to 4 years since Mum died. I am finding this year harder than last year and can't understand why. I am missing her so much and keep thinking about how much better everything would be if she were still here. Mum died when I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first daughter (who is now nearly 4), and since then I have had another little girl, who is nearly 2. I hate the fact that my Mum never got to see me being a Mum. I am such a different person to the one I was when Mum was alive, partly due to all the changes that motherhood brings, but also because of what we went through with Mum's illness, seeing her suffer and then losing her. It pains me that I feel like there is such a big change in me that my own Mum never even got to know. I might not be making much sense, but may be some of you have felt the same thing. Basically I just miss her so much and sometimes it's hard knowing that the hurt never goes away. Of course I don't really want it to because then it would mean I hadn't been spending much time thinking about her etc. Some days are just harder than others, and this year leading up to her death has been particularly hard. It was such a hideous time, filled with so many things I wish we'd never had to go through. Thanks for listening. Jana xxx

Yep, I feel the same way too. Thinking of you. Jana x