[4 and a half years]

I think my Dad would feel the same as you. Hugs to you.

Jana

[Pats Cancer Story]

She really does look beautiful and happy in that photo. Thank you for sharing the story of yours and Pat's journey with her cancer.

Take care. Jana

[Wow.....coming up 5 years!]

Thanks everyone. You guys are soooooooooooo awesome, even to someone who is only an occasional visitor these days. Thank you so much. I also draw comfort from something that was once told to me. When my Mum was pregnant with me, all the little eggs that could possibly be her grandchildren one day, were all inside of me, growing inside of her.

August 4th has been and gone, and so now we begin our 6th year of life without Mum. As usual, I reflect on how much of a better, kinder, more compassionate person I am since Mum's illness. Even in her death, she managed to give something to me. Naturally, like all of you, I'd trade it all back quite happily to be my more selfish former self, with a Mum living. I always find the 4 - 6 weeks leading up to the anniversary of Mum's death to be the hardest, and then when the day actually arrives, I am surprisingly OK in comparison to the weeks before it. I wonder if any one else experiences that?

Loving thoughts to all of you, and thank you, once again.

Jana

xxxxx

[Wow.....coming up 5 years!]

Hi all

As usual, it's been nearly another year since I've posted. This seems to be the place I come back to every year, as we approach the anniversary of Mum's death. I re-read some of the posts I wrote when she was still here (some form of punishment, perhaps??!), and sit at the computer and cry. It will be five years since I've seen Mum on August 4th. It's still so hard, and so sad. I am now pregnant with baby #3, so will be the 3rd child I have that she never met. I know I am doing better with dealing with the grief, actually I think I always did manage to cope, just was really sad. But these days leading up to the anniversary of her death are always so morbid, filled with reliving those awful last days and memories you'd sooner not have. I still try to remember the exact last time I had a real "Mum moment", the last time she actually hugged me as opposed to just receiving my cuddles. I can't remember them. I never have been able to, as you just don't know when it's the last time, do you? I just miss her so much. I wish I could just have one more big cuddle with her, even if I knew it was to be my last. Just to feel the safety you feel, being held in the arms of your Mum. Sigh. Of course Mum always helped us get through most everything, but she couldn't help us with getting used to living without her.

Thank you for reading, even though I am so terribly absent.

Love to all

Jana

xx

[Never said goodbye to Mum.]

Yes, she is right. Thank you. That is exactly what would have been said.

Jana

xxxx

[Never said goodbye to Mum.]

Hi all

Have been thinking alot about Mum these last few weeks, and find myself spending alot of time in those last awful few weeks of her life. We never, ever talked with Mum about the possibility of her dying. For her entire fight with her cancer we all always committed ourselves 100% to fighting it, and trying to research every possible option to keep Mum alive long enough that we would find the thing that would save her. We couldn't do it. But we never allowed Mum to talk with us (maybe she did with Dad, I can't comment on that) about her dying and how much we were going to miss her and how scared we were to be living without her. She just slowly faded away from us and none of things were ever talked about. She knew how much we loved her, we told her, we saw her and held her every day. We all lived together at home in her last week. We massaged her hands and her feet and her head when she could no longer talk, but we never let her have a chance to say any last things she wanted to say to us. I feel so guilty about this. She wouldn't have tried to as she realised we just never were willing to give up. I wonder what she would have said if we had let her. It's a memory I actually wish I had. I just didn't know how to let it happen as all I wanted was for her to get better, so talking about her not getting better seemed so wrong. I guess it was kind of selfish. Can anyone relate to this?

[Mind bender]

Oh I certainly get that. There are so many things that have changed about me since Mum was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently died. I know that so many of these changes are positive and without doubt I am a kinder, softer, more empathetic person who is now so much more affected by other people's sadness and grief. It's as though our Mums are still adding to our character and helping to shape our personalities even after they have gone, because of the close relationship with had with them and the profound effect their grief therefore has on us. It sure is a mind bender. I think you are a better person than me Nick, in that you can see all the good things it has created in you are worthy of being kept, despite how much you want her back as well. I know that I constantly feel that I would more than happily trade all of it in (and my right arm) to go back to the more selfish, carefree person I was before. Mind you, I suspect we all feel like that at least some of the time. It sure is confusing!

Jana

xx

[Today marks....]

Caren

Thinking of you at this awful time. I am sorry you have to go through this awful anniversaries.

Jana

x

["Prolonged Grief Disorder"]

Hmmm......interesting topic. I do believe that there can be dysfunctional grief. I know that I have always felt my grief has not been "abnormal", in that I am capable of still doing the things that need to be done etc., and continuining with life, even if it at times I feel in the depths of despair if I am on a down cycle of my journey with my grief. I don't think it's just a matter of a certain time period being indicated as the period within which one should appear outwardly coping. But I do think that there are other indicators that may suggest if an individual could require more assistance with coping.

Perhaps some of it lies in how we define "grief"? My grief over the loss of my Mum is just part of my identity now. It cannot be separated out from the rest of me.

Jana

xxx

[Thinking About You, Peggy, stand4hope]

Hi Peggy

Thoughts going out to you at this difficult time.

Jana

xx

[Coming up to 4 years since Mum died.]

Wow! What a great group of people you are for remembering me (and Karen), and for taking the time to reply when I have been so absent. Thank you so much, and thank you for understanding.

Jana

x

[The shock of fresh grief]

Hi Lisa

My heart goes out to you. I know that pain and fear you are describing. It's so hard for one to truly comprehend the enormity of such a loss. I wish I had some words that would maybe help you feel better. Keep on breathing and taking one step at a time. It's such a hard time for you.

Jana

x

[Anxiousness … and hankering]

Hi Kimberly

Oh yes, I remember Scanxiety very very well. And I am also a very impatient person who is not easily distracted (which doesn't help). I think the waiting for results was one of the hardest things. I just wanted to know what we were up against so we could formulate our next plan of attack. It's such a rollercoaster. I am thinking of you. And also hoping that the next lot of results show that the treatment has been working.

Thinking of you

Jana

x

[Coming up to 4 years since Mum died.]

Hi all

It has been soooooo long since I've posted, that I wonder if many people reading this will even remember me! But it is coming up to 4 years since Mum died. I am finding this year harder than last year and can't understand why. I am missing her so much and keep thinking about how much better everything would be if she were still here. Mum died when I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first daughter (who is now nearly 4), and since then I have had another little girl, who is nearly 2. I hate the fact that my Mum never got to see me being a Mum. I am such a different person to the one I was when Mum was alive, partly due to all the changes that motherhood brings, but also because of what we went through with Mum's illness, seeing her suffer and then losing her. It pains me that I feel like there is such a big change in me that my own Mum never even got to know. I might not be making much sense, but may be some of you have felt the same thing. Basically I just miss her so much and sometimes it's hard knowing that the hurt never goes away. Of course I don't really want it to because then it would mean I hadn't been spending much time thinking about her etc. Some days are just harder than others, and this year leading up to her death has been particularly hard. It was such a hideous time, filled with so many things I wish we'd never had to go through.

Thanks for listening.

Jana

xxx

[missing Mom]

Yep, I feel the same way too. Thinking of you.

Jana

x

[Losing a parent in early adulthood]

This thread really struck a chord with me tonight. I am constantly scouring the libraries and bookstores for some sort of book which might be something I could relate to and always found the same thing, that I was in that in-between category.

My Mum died when I was 33 years old and 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It was horrible. And it still is horrible as Mum hasn't come back. I am now 3 months pregnant with my second child and often struggle with the fact that I've become a Mum without my own Mum here. It just seems completely absurd to me that I can be doing all these really huge things like becoming a Mummy and she hasn't been here for any of it.

And then as always, there remains that part of me that dreads the day I don't feel this way. Sorry guys, just having a miserable day today. But I think I can relate to what Val was posting about (as usual!!!!).

Jana

xx

[Book: Motherless Daughter]

Yes I have read the book Motherless Daughters and it did provide me with some comfort. It is nicely written. The same lady has also written a book called Motherless Mothers. I seem to always be looking in libraries and bookstores for books on the topic of grief and motherloss, as though somewhere in the book there will be a cure for my grief.

Jana

xx

[Who do we mourn the Loss of in 2006? Updated 1/22]

Thank you.

Jana

xx

[When will this be real?]

Michele

Your post pretty much describes how I feel and where I have been at ever since my Mum died nearly 18 months ago.

It's very hard to accept the enormity of such a loss. I know that most of the time I don't really let my mind settle too much on the thoughts that I won't see Mum ever again, mostly because they really are too hard to make sense of. It's just too big a thing to be able to digest and make sense of. But, when I have those moments of clarity where I do acknolwedge this fact, it's like a tidal wave of heartache and it's awful. Alot of the time it also feels so ridiculous that this has happened.

I also have visited many feelings of wondering if we did all we could to help Mum. These are such agonising thoughts, aren't they? I don't know if we ever really come to terms with all of these disturbing thoughts but I hope with time I find a way to make a bit more peace with them.

I wish I had some advice to help you, but I honestly don't as I feel just like you do. But know that you're not alone, we are also grieving with you.

Jana

xxx

[Anger is setting in]

Nick

I read your post a day or so ago and have been trying to work out how to write to you what I wish to express. I think I have an idea how you might be feeling. I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby when my Mum died in 2005. It was horrible. All the joy that should have surrounded the impending arrival was just lost in the depths of my grief. It was so difficult as most people I knew just seemed to want to ask me how my pregnancy was going and ask if I was getting excited about the arrival. The honest answer was that I was not excited in the slightest. My Mum had died only a few weeks ago and all I cared about was trying to help my Dad. Don't get me wrong, I was happy that I was having this baby and I felt confident I would be a good Mum etc., but I didn't have the emotions to truly feel "happy and excited". I would have given anything to have my Mum back. And then little Veronika was born and I remember how wrong it felt when my Dad came to visit me in the hospital an hour after she arrived in the world, as Mum should have been there with him. I was actually nervous of him walking into the room as I just had no idea what to say. He just cried as he met his new little grand-daughter.

I feel so ripped off that Mum never knew Veronika, never held her, never loved her. I know part of her lives on in Veronika and perhaps Mum really is here with us, watching over us, but I don't want it to be that way. I want her here with us just as she used to be. When Mum died and we were all saying our final farewells before they took her body away I picked up her hand and put it on my big pregnant belly.

I ache for her to have known me as a Mum every day. I always knew Mum loved me, we told each other all the time. But it's only now that I have become a Mum myself I really and truly actually understand how much she did love me. I wish I could have shared that new knowledge with her. That, and so much more, just totally sucks.

I understand how sad and angry it makes you that your Mum won't be here for your children. It just isn't fair. My heart goes out to you.

Jana

x

[Last year]

Pat

Hugs to you today. I know I sometimes think about the fact I never said goodbye to my Mum. We just always kept trying to be so damned positive that she could beat this thing that there was just never a time to say goodbye. And then when it was quite obvious we probably weren't going to beat it, there was no time to have any of those conversations. Some times I wish we had, and other times I am glad that up until she took her last breath we always tried to believe that a miracle could happen. I try to think that we did have our miracle, it was just that the miracle was not for her cancer to be cured, but in the fact that I had her as my Mum for 33 years. The miracle for us was not that she would be with us forever, but that she would share her life with us for as long as she could. Some times it makes me feel better, and then other times I think it's all bollocks!!!!

Thinking of you

Jana

xxxx

[Just not prepared!!!]

Sue

Big hugs to you. This will be a hard Christmas for you. I hope there are some OK moments for you amongst it all. We all understand.

Love

Jana

xxxx

[Christmas Cards]

Oh Don, big hugs to you. I saw how hard that sort of thing was for Dad. Having said that I think it was just as hard to receive things just addressed to himself as well. We're all here for you.

Jana

x

[Feeling so down]

Hi all

It's been so long since I've posted that I hardly know where to begin. It's been about 16 months since my Mama died and my world as I knew it changed forever. Having said that, things actually really changed forever the day we found out about her diagnosis. Mum left behind her husband of 42 years and three children (me being the youngest, now 35!!)and six grandchildren (with one grandchild born six weeks after she died, that being my little Veronika).

I have so many emotions going on at the moment and just feel that I need to express them so I thank any one who takes the time to read it and maybe understand it. My most overwhelming feeling at the moment is disbelief and devastation that very soon we will all have survived an entire calendar year without my Mum. She wasn't here when 2006 began and it is going to soon finish and she won't have seen a single day of it. As of next year I won't be able to say "My Mum died last year", I will now have to say "My Mum died a couple of years ago". That sounds so much more distant and I hate it. I hate the fact that I am moving further and further from the day when I last saw Mum, hugged her, stroked her hand, told her I loved her, saw her and my Dad look at each other with such love. I can't accept that I really am someone who doesn't have a Mummy anymore. When I am 63 years old, I won't have seen my Mum for thirty years. What the??????

I am also feeling soooooooooooo ripped off that she never met Veronika, that she never saw me as a Mum, that I have never been able to and will never be able to share any of this with her. I try to comfort myself and tell myself she is watching over us, that part of her is in Veronika etc, etc, but damn it, I want her to be here physically and creating memories. I don't have one single memory of my Mum with my baby girl (except for one that I cherish even though I only created it in a dream!!!!).

And then I feel like such a self indulgent person for feeling all of these things when obviously everyone losing their Mum or anyone they love goes through this. I hate that my friends don't immediately think of how I am coping with the "Mum situation" when they see me or think of me now. In fact, it is probably something rarely thought about by others as to them it would seem a long time ago now (especially those who have not lost a loved one). Mostly, it all makes me feel so alone. I'd chop off my right arm for just 10 more minutes with Mum, to tell her again how much I loved her, that she was just the best Mum ever and I was so lucky to have her as my Mum. Did I tell her enough? It was nearly every day so presumably that was enough, but she deserved so much more. She deserved so much more than to be riddled with cancer and be left living in a body that couldn't function any more to the point that it had to stop existing. It makes me so mad, and so sad.

Jana

[Just some late night ramblings]

Hi Val

I think it must be nice to have that DVD to watch. And it will be nice to have something to show Carolyn as she gets older. I totally relate to being surprised by seeing how sick your Mum looked in the DVD. I, too, thought I was fairly well grounded in reality when Mum was sick, but recently looked through some photos and saw how sick she looked many months before she died, at which point I never really considered she would die. I've been struggling with the whole stupid Mum dying thing a lot recently so I don't really know what else to say to you, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and also know how hard this all is. Hug that precious girl of yours from me.

Jana

xx