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sandynd

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Everything posted by sandynd

  1. Hi Again, I am sitting here at 5 a.m. trying to decide something. I am supposed to go home (400 miles away) next week to take care of some business, but I am so afraid to leave my Mom. She is coughing up more blood and becoming more lethargic and, frankly, I'm afraid she's going to die while I'm gone. The hospice respite care sounds like a wonderful place for her to go while I'm gone, but it will be so difficult to go. I've promised her that I will walk this journey with her all the way, so the thought of her dying while I'm gone just tears me up. I know there's no way we can know how long or when or anything like that. I just wish I could be at peace about going. The hospice nurses have now switched her pain meds from oxycodone-actetamenaphin to methodone and I'm sure that this adds to her lethargy. My husband says stay here, but there are so many people counting on me all the way around that I just don't know what to do. I would have to be gone five days, and so much can change in five days at this stage. I know that none of you have answers for me; I just need to write down my thoughts as I sit here. Thanks for listening.
  2. Hi Again, Sorry it's been awhile since I posted. This journey is just overwhelming for me! Mom received five radiation treatments in her leg to help alleviate the pain from the bone cancer. Unfortunately, she got a serious infection in her leg plus a couple more blood clots appeared there, so she was very ill for about two weeks, and in a great deal of pain. The leg is MUCH better now and she is able to put some weight on it once again, but she walks with a walker most of the time and we use a wheelchair for any long outings such as going to her sister's apartment next door. Mom was admitted to hospice last Friday. She is still doing fairly well ~ I think I'M the one who needs hospice as much as she does! I am still confused as to how she can seem pretty good one day and very ill the next, but I guess it's just part of the journey. The hospice program is great here, and she is able to stay in our apartment and get whatever she needs for the most part. The hospice people were wonderful and she likes them. Her biggest problems wth the disease right now are depression and high anxiety, as they've been able to control the pain quite well. She has always been a bit anxious, but it is becoming more and more of an issue. Anxious about the dark, about being alone, about new medicine, about noises, about just about everything. When she gets anxious, she feels like she can't breathe and seems to get confused and disoriented. At those times, she almost clings to me (at least in an emotional way). Tonight we are trying a new low dose anti-anxiety medicine that, hopefully, will help. We continue to have ups and downs in our relationship, but I THINK I'm getting better at handling when she gets upset. I am more able to let things go and just not respond since any response from me only heightens the emotions. I am realizing three months into this journey that as a 24/7 caregiver, I need alot of help AND some time off once in awhile. Trying to continue in my occupation via email from almost four hundred miles away, attempting to maintain my relationship with my husband from that distance (he's a saint, by the way ~ well ALMOST ) while caring for my mom has me exhausted, frustrated, feeling guilty and inadequate. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I need to get help for myself if I'm going to be any good for my mom. I am planning on starting with the social worker coming on Wednesday to see what is available for me. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers ~ and for taking the time to comment. I remember all of you in prayer as well! Peace.
  3. Hello everyone! Just a quick intro as I just posted a long story elsewhere here. I'm a mid-50s gal who is caring for my 81 year old mom who has stage iv non-small cell lung cancer. She has opted for no treatment and we are just living one day at a time. Many struggles, heartaches, and fears ~ I guess that's normal. I'm living with her in an apartment. I'm married, but my husband is clear across the state and I see him once every three or four weeks. He is a saint to be so understanding! I have taken a semi-leave from my job, going back every three or four weeks for a few days to "take care of business." Right now I'm feeling lost and alone one minute and at peace the next. It is such a mixed bag of feelings. I am grateful for the time mom and I have right now, but wondering what the future (i.e., each day) will bring. Thanks for being here!
  4. Hi everyone, On February 13th, my mom was diagnosed with non-small cell lung cancer~stage IV. She is 81 years old. She tried a round of chemo but became so ill that she will not take any more. Part of the problem, discovered later, was that when they took a biopsy of the liver, it failed to heal and there was internal bleeding involved. The cancer is in both lungs, some rib bones, her liver, right hip and femur for sure. Suspected to be elsewhere as well, but being extremely claustrophobic, mom has refused to undergo anymore CT scans or other tests involving tubes of any sort. Her oncologist in Phoenix gave her 2-4 months to live. We are now back in ND ~ her state of birth ~ where she iis in an apartment building with three of her sisters. I have taken a "leave" from my job and am living with her, going home to tend to my job for a few days every couple weeks. My husband is also across the state, so I see him a couple times a month. Her disease is definitely getting worse. She is now on round-the-clock pain meds otherwise she would not be functioning at all. She just had five radiation treatments to hopefully ease the pain in her hip and leg. The last couple days an increased amount of weezing when she breathes is apparent. She has always been a hard worker and continues to push herself as much as possible, but shortness of breath, exhaustion, and pain make it hard for her to do anything for very long. This is such a struggle in so many ways. I love my mom dearly, and these moments are precious to both of us. Sometimes it all gets the better of us, however, and tempers flare. Needless to say, I feel terrible about this. My profession calls for me to help others going through rough times, yet I don't seem to have the compassion and patience with my own mom that I can give to others. I don't know what to expect. I read in here of others diagnosed with stage iv cancer who have survived for quite awhile, however, mom's disease seems to be progressing quite rapidly. She has opted to just let it take its course naturally and live until she dies. We have talked of hospice, but she sees that as something she will want "when the time comes down the road." My thoughts are that she could receive the benefits of that program now if we were a part of it. I know, though, that she has to be ready for it in order to accept their help. Sometimes I think she is still in denial about what's happening; other times she is so matter of fact about the progress of the disease that I am amazed. I am here because I need to be in touch with others who have walked this journey. There is no hope for a cure here ~ not even a slow-down of the disease. I just need a community who has been there so that I can vent, question, receive feedback ~ whatever! Thanks for "listening" and hanging in there through this long post. Blessings and peace,
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