dani hobbs

It will soon be 3 yrs. since my sister passed. After a period of not speaking, she & I had reunited & were enjoying our sisterhood, when she was diagnosed & died, just under 2 years after her diagnosis. Some of our "issues" were because she had been married for over 40 years to a very controlling man, who did not want her to have very much contact with me. He was jealous of anyone who he felt took up too much of his time with her. I wonder if their 2 grown children were also somewhat "excluded", as in the days following her death, I realized that my niece & nephew spent little time with her during the final weeks & days of her life, even though they both lived nearby & my niece does not work. My niece explained this by stating that my sister & the husband were "a very private couple". There did not seem to be any real feeling for her from her 4 grandchildren, in fact the oldest (my niece's daughter) complained to her father, on the day of my sister's funeral that she was missing her favorite day of school (she was 16 years old at the time)! Now, to get to my point & what I am seeking advice for. My niece is only 10 years younger than I. I was close to her when she was a small child, just as my sister & were close when I was young (she was 13 years older than me), before my sister married her husband. Since my sister's death, I have called my niece several times to say hi, & to just try & establish some kind of connection, which my sister's husband always discouraged. I am at a life stage where I am feeling very lonely & discouraged & need human contact, especially contact what what remaining family there is. My niece always seems glad to hear from me and talks up a storm, actually telling me some very private things that in the past she may have told her mother. We have long conversations, and I suspect that she, too, may be lonely, as she does not work, her children are growing up, and her husband's work takes him away from home for long periods. However, my niece never calls me, it is I who call her. She did send a Xmas card with photo of her children (I didn't reciprocate as I don't send cards out anymore & haven't for a long time). The last time I spoke to her, she said it felt "eerie" to talk to me, as my voice, and my phrasing, reminded her of her mother, my sister. She also made reference to trying to "forget". My family of origin was always very indirect with expressing feelings...a lot of innuendo or things just not being said. Oddly enough, my own daughter has become this way, which is painful to me. My sister became that way moreso after years of living with her husband, but in our latest reunion, had opened upmore. I am more direct. I want to know exactly what people mean. I am not blunt but I say what I feel, with tact. What I am trying to get to is, I am longing to call my niece...not just because it is the anniversary of my sister's death, but longing to call her anytime. However, I wonder if I should bother. She has my phone number & I have encouraged her numerous times to call me, but she never does. Should I stop calling? Should I call & ask her if my calls distress her? Advice will be welcome

I agree with all who have posted...what in the world does it mean to have to "move on" or "get over" the loss of someone you deeply love? No one can ever understand that hole in your life after such a loss, unless they have experienced it themselves. My sister left this earth almost 3 years ago...every day I want to talk to her & the reality of not being able to still takes my breath away. I continue my life but it will never be the same without her. I still come to this board for solace because, outside of my husband, I realize that with other people I have exceeded the "grieving expiration date". I hope the youth pastor at your church develops some compassion, some finesse with their style of writing & choice of topics, or chooses another line of work. They are not helping, they are hurting.

I haven't looked at this board for quite awhile, but for some reason, was drawn tonight. My sister, who was like a mother to me, died almost 3 years ago. I can't say that it has become "easier", but it has become more bearable. I wear 2 pieces of her jewelry & they comfort me; our personal style & tastes were so different, but they feel right because she wore them. I still can't open the boxes of family photographs & memorabilia that she had saved thru the years & were given to me. In fact, I triple-wrapped them with duct tape. But someday, I know I'll be able to look at them & am glad to have them. I trudge on through life & wish I could speak to her but have finally accepted that I can't. I can go to the cemetary now & look at her name & birthdate & date of death & bear it. And so it goes.

I haven't felt right all day. My sister died on February 9, 2005. I last saw her & said goodbye to her three days before she died. Today is that anniversary. Life has been hard. I so wish I could talk to her about what has happened in these past 2 years, hear that calm voice of reason. I miss you so much, Darlene.

I'm sorry, Ann, that Dennis is not with you to celebrate such a special time. I'm thinking of you.

I am so sorry for your loss, for your whole family, but especially understand because she is your sister and I lost my sister, to the same horrible disease. It is good that you were with her. I encourage you to use this board to help you with your grief...it has helped me. Again, I am so sorry. Jen seemed to be a real strong woman, and a fighter. She is out of pain now.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my sister, one year ago, to small cell lung cancer. My deepest condolences to you and all of her family

I am so sorry for your loss, and can emphatize so much, as I lost my only sister, one year ago, 2/9/05. She died at age 65, smoked for 46 years and saved my life by showing me how NOT to smoke...I was with her 3 days before she died... I know what you went through...you helped him tremendously...I will pray for relief for you....a sister in grief.

CONGRATULATIONS on arriving at this blessed milestone!!! Here is to life! Please continue to give your hope & inspiration to all those who visit this website.

Darlene left this earth on February 9, 2005. I miss you, Da.

Dear Karen, I am so very sorry for your loss. You have had so much dealt your way. My deepest sympathies are extended to and yours.

I wonder if anyone watches Craig Ferguson, who hosts the CBS late night talk show (I'm a night worker & chronic insomniac). He has a great dry Scottish wit, a great Scottish brogue, and is great to look at. However, last week, his father died of cancer, and he dedicated an entire show to his dad, a kind of wake. He was poignant, and emotional, and so anguished at the loss of his father. I was so glad to watch this...because it further reinforced how important it is to talk, talk, talk about your loss, to not deny how important the person was to you, to never put a timeline on grief, or to let anyone imply that you are "stuck" there. My sister Darlene was a wonderful conversationalist....she could discuss anything & everything...she would have loved Craig's show, which began toward the end of her life. I had a strange day yesterday, February 6...I awoke after strange nightmares, felt horribly anxious...then realized it was the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my sister alive, the day I said goodbye to her, last held her in my arms. When I realized the significance of the day, I went to my computer, to write on this website. I sometimes avoid this site, because I don't want to "wallow" in grief, to obsess, to make myself crazy, but need it as well. For some strange reason, I could not get on the 'net...well, my keyboard had malfunctioned, & I had to buy a new one...but I feel Darlene was somehow involved, telling me, "get outside now, take care of business, be in the world". So, I did that, but, in honor of her and her love of conversation, I will still, and always, talk about her.

Every so often, a package, unannounced, arrives on my doorstep from my sister's husband, as he goes through her belongings. At first the packages were old family photographs, and pieces of her jewelry that she wanted me to have. The latest were sent just before Christmas. One package was every letter, drawing and card my daughter ever sent her. The next one, more jarring, was every letter, picture and card that I ever sent her, little crayon drawings & macaroni pictures, things like that--she was 13 years older than me, so some of these things were 50 years old---she kept them all, in perfect condition. I love her so much, I miss her more. What I would give to talk to her tonight.

My lovely sister has been gone from this planet nearly a year. I am trying to not relive the last few days of her life...when I said goodbye & held her tiny, ravaged body in my arms and felt bad that my tears were falling on her face...she smiled & kissed me over & over...she couldn't speak. I want to call her on the phone in the middle of the night, as we used to do...and have her guide me through all the rocky stuff...children leaving the nest, menopause...hear her calm voice telling me she'd been there, done that, it would be all right. That calm, warm, loving, accepting voice...that dry humor. I miss her so much.

Thank you for sharing so much. You are braver than I am. I still cannot share with anyone how my sister's last days were. But you helped your husband so much...such a gesture of love that I know he was aware of. You made it possible for your husband to die at home, which he wanted.