dani hobbs

It will soon be 3 yrs. since my sister passed. After a period of not speaking, she & I had reunited & were enjoying our sisterhood, when she was diagnosed & died, just under 2 years after her diagnosis. Some of our "issues" were because she had been married for over 40 years to a very controlling man, who did not want her to have very much contact with me. He was jealous of anyone who he felt took up too much of his time with her. I wonder if their 2 grown children were also somewhat "excluded", as in the days following her death, I realized that my niece & nephew spent little time with her during the final weeks & days of her life, even though they both lived nearby & my niece does not work. My niece explained this by stating that my sister & the husband were "a very private couple". There did not seem to be any real feeling for her from her 4 grandchildren, in fact the oldest (my niece's daughter) complained to her father, on the day of my sister's funeral that she was missing her favorite day of school (she was 16 years old at the time)! Now, to get to my point & what I am seeking advice for. My niece is only 10 years younger than I. I was close to her when she was a small child, just as my sister & were close when I was young (she was 13 years older than me), before my sister married her husband. Since my sister's death, I have called my niece several times to say hi, & to just try & establish some kind of connection, which my sister's husband always discouraged. I am at a life stage where I am feeling very lonely & discouraged & need human contact, especially contact what what remaining family there is. My niece always seems glad to hear from me and talks up a storm, actually telling me some very private things that in the past she may have told her mother. We have long conversations, and I suspect that she, too, may be lonely, as she does not work, her children are growing up, and her husband's work takes him away from home for long periods. However, my niece never calls me, it is I who call her. She did send a Xmas card with photo of her children (I didn't reciprocate as I don't send cards out anymore & haven't for a long time). The last time I spoke to her, she said it felt "eerie" to talk to me, as my voice, and my phrasing, reminded her of her mother, my sister. She also made reference to trying to "forget". My family of origin was always very indirect with expressing feelings...a lot of innuendo or things just not being said. Oddly enough, my own daughter has become this way, which is painful to me. My sister became that way moreso after years of living with her husband, but in our latest reunion, had opened upmore. I am more direct. I want to know exactly what people mean. I am not blunt but I say what I feel, with tact. What I am trying to get to is, I am longing to call my niece...not just because it is the anniversary of my sister's death, but longing to call her anytime. However, I wonder if I should bother. She has my phone number & I have encouraged her numerous times to call me, but she never does. Should I stop calling? Should I call & ask her if my calls distress her? Advice will be welcome

I agree with all who have posted...what in the world does it mean to have to "move on" or "get over" the loss of someone you deeply love? No one can ever understand that hole in your life after such a loss, unless they have experienced it themselves. My sister left this earth almost 3 years ago...every day I want to talk to her & the reality of not being able to still takes my breath away. I continue my life but it will never be the same without her. I still come to this board for solace because, outside of my husband, I realize that with other people I have exceeded the "grieving expiration date". I hope the youth pastor at your church develops some compassion, some finesse with their style of writing & choice of topics, or chooses another line of work. They are not helping, they are hurting.

I haven't looked at this board for quite awhile, but for some reason, was drawn tonight. My sister, who was like a mother to me, died almost 3 years ago. I can't say that it has become "easier", but it has become more bearable. I wear 2 pieces of her jewelry & they comfort me; our personal style & tastes were so different, but they feel right because she wore them. I still can't open the boxes of family photographs & memorabilia that she had saved thru the years & were given to me. In fact, I triple-wrapped them with duct tape. But someday, I know I'll be able to look at them & am glad to have them. I trudge on through life & wish I could speak to her but have finally accepted that I can't. I can go to the cemetary now & look at her name & birthdate & date of death & bear it. And so it goes.

I haven't felt right all day. My sister died on February 9, 2005. I last saw her & said goodbye to her three days before she died. Today is that anniversary. Life has been hard. I so wish I could talk to her about what has happened in these past 2 years, hear that calm voice of reason. I miss you so much, Darlene.

I'm sorry, Ann, that Dennis is not with you to celebrate such a special time. I'm thinking of you.

I am so sorry for your loss, for your whole family, but especially understand because she is your sister and I lost my sister, to the same horrible disease. It is good that you were with her. I encourage you to use this board to help you with your grief...it has helped me. Again, I am so sorry. Jen seemed to be a real strong woman, and a fighter. She is out of pain now.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my sister, one year ago, to small cell lung cancer. My deepest condolences to you and all of her family

I am so sorry for your loss, and can emphatize so much, as I lost my only sister, one year ago, 2/9/05. She died at age 65, smoked for 46 years and saved my life by showing me how NOT to smoke...I was with her 3 days before she died... I know what you went through...you helped him tremendously...I will pray for relief for you....a sister in grief.

CONGRATULATIONS on arriving at this blessed milestone!!! Here is to life! Please continue to give your hope & inspiration to all those who visit this website.

Darlene left this earth on February 9, 2005. I miss you, Da.

Dear Karen, I am so very sorry for your loss. You have had so much dealt your way. My deepest sympathies are extended to and yours.

I wonder if anyone watches Craig Ferguson, who hosts the CBS late night talk show (I'm a night worker & chronic insomniac). He has a great dry Scottish wit, a great Scottish brogue, and is great to look at. However, last week, his father died of cancer, and he dedicated an entire show to his dad, a kind of wake. He was poignant, and emotional, and so anguished at the loss of his father. I was so glad to watch this...because it further reinforced how important it is to talk, talk, talk about your loss, to not deny how important the person was to you, to never put a timeline on grief, or to let anyone imply that you are "stuck" there. My sister Darlene was a wonderful conversationalist....she could discuss anything & everything...she would have loved Craig's show, which began toward the end of her life. I had a strange day yesterday, February 6...I awoke after strange nightmares, felt horribly anxious...then realized it was the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my sister alive, the day I said goodbye to her, last held her in my arms. When I realized the significance of the day, I went to my computer, to write on this website. I sometimes avoid this site, because I don't want to "wallow" in grief, to obsess, to make myself crazy, but need it as well. For some strange reason, I could not get on the 'net...well, my keyboard had malfunctioned, & I had to buy a new one...but I feel Darlene was somehow involved, telling me, "get outside now, take care of business, be in the world". So, I did that, but, in honor of her and her love of conversation, I will still, and always, talk about her.

Every so often, a package, unannounced, arrives on my doorstep from my sister's husband, as he goes through her belongings. At first the packages were old family photographs, and pieces of her jewelry that she wanted me to have. The latest were sent just before Christmas. One package was every letter, drawing and card my daughter ever sent her. The next one, more jarring, was every letter, picture and card that I ever sent her, little crayon drawings & macaroni pictures, things like that--she was 13 years older than me, so some of these things were 50 years old---she kept them all, in perfect condition. I love her so much, I miss her more. What I would give to talk to her tonight.

My lovely sister has been gone from this planet nearly a year. I am trying to not relive the last few days of her life...when I said goodbye & held her tiny, ravaged body in my arms and felt bad that my tears were falling on her face...she smiled & kissed me over & over...she couldn't speak. I want to call her on the phone in the middle of the night, as we used to do...and have her guide me through all the rocky stuff...children leaving the nest, menopause...hear her calm voice telling me she'd been there, done that, it would be all right. That calm, warm, loving, accepting voice...that dry humor. I miss her so much.

Thank you for sharing so much. You are braver than I am. I still cannot share with anyone how my sister's last days were. But you helped your husband so much...such a gesture of love that I know he was aware of. You made it possible for your husband to die at home, which he wanted.

Dear--you will never "get over" your mother's death, as none of us who post here will get over losing those we have loved and lost. My wonderful sister, who was my substitute mother and best friend, left this planet almost one year ago, and I still can't believe that I can't pick up the phone and share silly and serious things with her, that I can't talk about with anyone else. I am functioning, yes, but feel as if I am going through life with gauze over me. I will continue to live, but it will never be the same, something will be missing. The only "getting over it" that I have experienced recently is that I can now get out of bed a little easier in the morning, and don't scream out spontaneously as much as I did a few months ago. I used to work as a social worker, and I still receive literature for continuing education classes--I recently received one called "Grief Lite"--a seminar that is supposed to help people move through their "grief stages" faster, I guess, supposedly so that they can get back to doing what this world seems to think is more important, like working long hours and making lots of money---how appalling! Life is about having people love you, and loving them back, and missing them so much when they are gone. You are normal....you are human.

I just posted last night & the replies were so comforting---I don't know what I would have done or still can do without this site. Now that my sister has left this planet, I worry constantly and obsessively about my husband---he started smoking at an age even younger than my sister, and was a heavy smoker for about 30 years, then quit cold turkey 11 years ago; unlike my sister & Peter Jennings, he has been able to not take it up again, so far. But now, I listen to his every breath & cough. At night in bed I lay on his chest to listen for rales (rails?) or anything that doesn't sound right. I used to be a brave person but I'm just afraid of everything right now, to the point of just hovering over my spouse & grown children. I feel that disaster lurks at every corner and that I have no control over it, which of course I never did---I just liked to feel like I did. And I feel so selfish, just venting and free-associating on this board, and feeling like I offer so little in return to people who are feeling the loss of their loved ones just as much as I am. I wish I could just sleep through the rest of 2005. Previously, I worked in hospitals & on oncology units and I knew in my rational mind what would probably happen when my sister got sick, but I was in such DENIAL--as if she would be different, would get better, live longer. What was WRONG with me??? I just feel like I'm spinning, spinning, getting nowhere...on a good day I can accomplish about an eighth of what I used to do. I just miss her so much, she should be out on the road right now with her husband, and calling me up to tell me some goofy story about being in the Corn Palace in South Dakota---I honestly still wake up & think the phone will ring and it will be her, or that if I call her number she will answer!!!

I can't get beyond this emptiness....I drove miles & miles to look at my sister's high school yearbook, which her vengeful ex-husband destroyed after their marriage ended. (She was on practically every page--energetic, young & full of life & hope & promise). I drove to sit at her grave. (Just a stone with her name on it--still a shock). I want to talk to her and talk about her. I want to talk to HER. I remember the sound of her voice, the inflections...I want to dream about her, but I don't sleep at all. My immediate family look the other way & change the subject when I talk about her. She died the day before her son's birthday---I think she planned it that way---she didn't want to ruin his birthday for the rest of his life. She was so outgoing in life, and I am not....just vivacious. Everyone wanted to talk to her. We spoke in a shorthand that no one else understood. Now, there is no one that understands my language. She doesn't come to me in dreams, there are no "signs", I don't feel she is "with" me. She is just....GONE!!!!!!

First, let me say that I lost my sister to extensive SCLC with liver met. in February 2005, and that I return to this board to see how thefriends I made (those with lc and their loved ones are doing) and to receive emotional support. With regard to your mom, I am a retired social worker so I know that anger is a symptom of clinical depression--which may or may not have existed before her diagnosis, and certainly was exacerbated by it. The SSRI-type antidepressants may help her--they don't make people feel like life is wonderful, but they do make the life they are living more tolerable, for them, and those around them, and they do not "dope" the person up---you might want to ask her doctor about that. Also, human behavior is extremely unpredictable, especially when such a frightening unknown as impending or possible end of life issues are at the forefront. Even as a former "professional", I reacted much differently than I ever thought I would to my sister's illness, and awful prognosis, than I ever thought I would---and so did she, and our entire family. Finally, anger sometimes helps people--my mother was a very angry, bitter person---yet, even though she had numerous life-threatening health problems, she lived into extreme old age, far exceeding in age, any of her family members, and I am thoroughly convinced that part of it was she was just too mean & angry to die. I truly wish peace and resolution, to you and your mother.

Dear, I am so very, very sorry for your loss, and can so understand your grief. You see, I just posted yesterday along the same vein. My older & only sister, who was more like my mother, left this planet in February and I am having a second wave of grief--probably made worse by more changes in my life--my daughter moving out, my job loss, changes in my neighborhood, my husband returning to work after his surgery, and his feeling that I am "stuck" in my grief. My sister was who I turned to for advice & to vent when I had problems, and like you, I still shake my head in disbelief that I'll never have a conversation with her again. I was sobbing out loud in the public library yesterday and I feel that I, and you, and anyone else that has suffered such a horrible loss just has to trudge on and let the emotions go---there is no time limit to grief, no getting "stuck"--that person that meant so much to you is gone, it's just too much to grasp. I guess that at some point it becomes easier to function again, but it hasn't happened yet to me, and if no where else, I think you and I and anyone else who needs it, can & should post on this board and allow themselves to grieve. My heart goes out to you, I'm hurting, too.

It was my sister's birthday this week, just shy of 4 months since she died. Coincidentally, her husband had sent to me, just a week prior to that, a box--unexpected, just left on my doorstep, with no preparation from him. In it were some pieces of her jewelry, and the chronicles of my nuclear family's life. Most of these things I had never seen--my sister was quite a bit older than me, the wanted one, I was the unexpected one. So, these things weren't shared with me until, I guess, no one else wanted them. There are very old photographs of her with our parents---my parents were smiling and happy, something I never saw. There are documents, valuable to no one now but me. There are old letters, telling exactly how my parents felt about me. My parents really wanted my sister to be my mother, and she did take care of me in the early years, but, probably to save herself, resisted from that point on, although I know she loved me. I almost wish I had not seen these things, and am torn between looking at them, putting them away, and burning them. My sister's daughter had told me at the time of her funeral that my sister had requested that she be buried close to our parents...that surprised me at the time, but now I know that it must be so, that they really loved her and that her relationship with them was so much different than the one I had. I seem to be stuck here now--in the past--with no one to share this with. My husband returned to work after his surgery and tells me I am stuck, obsessed, my daughter is moving out permanently in a couple of weeks to be closer to college. They are busy with their lives and avoid me as much as possible. I have lost my job and my good friend has a new job that keeps her very much occupied. I have never felt grief like this--my sister was the one person who accepted me for what I am, and here I am, unable to move, looking at these old pictures and papers, that even my husband and daughter are not interested in seeing. So, although this posting is probably completely inappropriate, it kept me sane for just a moment---something that a phone call to my sister used to do---I could hear her voice, appreciate her wry humor, know that she knew exactly what I was talking about, not be impatient with me, and somehow I could get through the day. Now, I can't get through an hour, or even a minute. I really wonder what the point of all this is....my sister loved her cigarettes, that's what killed her, but they gave her a lot of pleasure, so why not???? She always grabbed life with great gusto. I, on the other hand, can't even imagine what the point is in continuing. She would be angry at me for going in this direction, but she's not here, now, is she?

I am confused--I was editing my sister's obituary & looking at the grief/loss board when I saw postings for what I believe are Betty, known as Betplace, but I am not sure now if that is her. If it is, I am so, so, sad......

I am so very sorry for your loss; my sincerest condolences to your & your family.

Hello, and first I want to tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your mother. I lost my sister, who was more like my mother, in February, 3 months ago. We were very close, and I sometimes still can't grasp the reality that she is no longer here. The day that I spoke to her husband and learned that hospice was there (only 3 days before she was to see her oncologist about further treatment!), my heart started beating erratically & kept on beating that way all day. I have a heart condition---but I just didn't care that day. I only mention this to illustrate how profound her loss was to me. I see that your mom & my sister became ill at about the same time. First of all, I don't think that anyone can put a time line on grief--I don't think it ever completely leaves you, and, as I was told, maybe some people who think you should have "moved on", have not yet in their lives experienced such a profound loss. I think you have to be able to express how you feel, somewhere, for as long as you need to, maybe forever. For myself, the first month I talked to my husband, on and on, obsessively. I had total access to him because he was home recovering from a joint replacement surgery. Also, I started a journal. Coincidentally, when I wrote to this forum earlier, Ann, one of the people who replied to my post, suggested this, but I had already begun, as a way to hold onto my sanity. I have written pages and pages...for no one but myself to see. It has helped me cope. A journal might help you. Some insurances will pay for professional counseling, but most of them are getting so cheap...but I don't think anyone from the hospice would think that your grief is unusual, and I bet they tell you about a bereavement group that you could join. Also, just keep posting on this board. It has helped me. One more thing...if you are finding yourself so paralyzed by grief that you can't even move, you might want to try an anti-depressant. They don't change the situation, make you forget, or cheer you up...they just help you keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of the other, to get through the day. I hope this has helped....it's such an awful, awful pain.

My sister left this planet 3 months ago--we talked all the time. I still want to pick up the phone and call her. A couple of weeks ago, I visited her grave for the first time since her funeral to see the headstone--it was such a shock to see her name there! My youngest child is moving out soon and I wanted to be able to talk to my sister, to help me get through it. I think about my sister every waking moment of every day. I miss you so very much, Darlene.