LisaEz

I'm still new here, but I know that you do a LOT for a lot of people. Please don't feel bad that you need to take care of yourself....because in the end, that helps you to help others, right? (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) and I hope your ankle is feeling better.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your precious mother. You'll all be in my prayers.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilt over your stepmom's situation. I know that you wouldn't have let her be out on the streets, and I'm sure she knew who the "bad guy" was in this story. She knew she could count on you if she needed it, and that's what counts.

As I go through this year of "firsts" without my dad, I am finding today one of the harder things I've gone through so far. I just wanted to say (or write, I guess) this: Dad, you mattered. You made a difference. Because of you, the world is a better place, STILL, even with you gone. You mattered! Your laughter and your sense of humor mattered. Your intellect and your kindness mattered. Your parenting mattered. You mattered! You still do! You raised me to be a good, kind, loving person. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I won't let you down, I won't ever forget, and I'll always be thankful for the gifts you've given me. Most of all, to ME, you mattered, and you always will, no matter where you may, or may not, be. I love you, I loved you, and you made a difference. You mattered, just as the beating of a butterfly's wings can make a difference across the world, the things you did made differences too. You and I both know the kinds of things you made a difference in, and the hundreds of lives you touched as a professor and a business man. You mattered then, and you still do. I wish you were here for me to say Happy Birthday to, for me to give a hug to, and to get one in return. Instead I am wrapping myself in my memories of you, and that is my hug. Thanks for mattering, Daddy.

Michelle, my deepest sympathies to you on the loss of your beloved. It is very hard to face all of the future while you're still holding on to so much pain over the past-the what ifs, the how could that happens, etc...Give yourself time to come to terms with what happened in the past year, it will help you to be able to move forward once some healing has started to happen. I know it probably doesn't help much, but I'm sending you thoughts and prayers of comfort, plus some cyber hugs too. ((((((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))

I guess that is one good thing about my father's quick death, we didn't have to enter in to the long-term caregiver roles, although we had been during his year long hospitalization and recovery back in 2005. I agree with you that we need visibility and compassion for caregivers, as well as a recognition of the amazing role that they play in the care and even deaths of their loved ones. My father in law had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma which morphed over the years into Chronic Leukocitic Leukemia. He lived for 18 years with the cancer before dying back in 2007. He was relatively healthy for many of those years but was very sick for about the last three years. I know that my mother in law was left reeling not only from the loss of her beloved husband, but from the sudden absence of that role that had been so very important for so long. She was at loose ends and didn't know where to turn once she no longer had diapers to change, suppositories to insert, oxygen bottles to replace, etc.... I wish we could take some of the money that is saved in our society every year by families taking care of their loved ones versus having to have those people in institutional care and use that money to raise awareness of how important caregivers are and how deeply affected they are by what they go through.

My dad had a very strange relationship with his family. He barely knew his own father. His mother was estranged from most of HER family, so we knew very little about them either. After my dad's major illness began back in 2005, we started trying to find out all we could. My mom (his ex wife) is an expert at genealogy and managed to find a fair amount of information, but no amount of data could replace knowing stories and real people from my dad's past. My dad was very grateful for what little she found, but always wanted more. Today, I received a phone call from a cousin I never knew I had. He and I shared the same grandfather. He had been looking for my dad for years but could never find him....until this past Saturday when he googled my dad's name and found my posts here about him, and his obituary that I had written. Irony....that my dad's family found him only through his death. Irony....that my dad wanted so much to know about them all....Irony that I came here YESTERDAY (Sunday) and tried to erase as much personal data about my dad and myself that I could because I felt so exposed having it all out there on the internet. I'm putting it all back! Lisa

Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. It helps to know I'm not alone and hopefully not doing this "wrong". I talk to my stepmom a couple of times a week, at least, and it helps to talk to her and get to talk about him with someone else who feels like I do about him being gone.

I only had the chance to post here a few times before my dad died this summer. He had been diagnosed with NSCLC (Stage 4) and died 20 days later. I haven't been able to do much about him since his death. I created a blog and wrote out the story of the day of his death so I wouldn't lose the little details. I got through the memorial service. I've made it through 3 "month anniversaries" of his death since July 27th. I've supported my stepmom as much as I can as she goes through this loss and grief. I still haven't cried since the day he died. Not once. I've teared up a couple of times, especially when I call their house and hear his voice on the answering machine. Some part of it still feels unreal. As though he's at home, with his wife, and I just haven't heard from him for a while. Then a picture of him will pop into my mind, the way he looked at the funeral home when my smom and I viewed his body and said goodbye again before he was cremated. I had always been a bit scared to touch a dead body, I don't know why. But that day, I couldn't stop touching him. We cut off a couple of locks of his hair. I put the hair away and haven't looked at it since. His birthday would have been one week from today. I am not sure how to get through November 8th. And then Thanksgiving. And then Christmas. Last year he went with us to pick apples with my kids. This year we went without him. I'm so numb and yet in pain. It makes no sense. I can feel myself putting my feelings into a box in my heart and closing the lid so that I can focus on my three young children and day to day life. We've all had H1N1 the past few weeks (of course, we all got it one at a time, not together) and life is just always so busy that it's almost easy to say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that I'll think about it tomorrow. I still always think "I want my Daddy" whenever I think of him. I want him back, I want him with me. I want to tell him more things and hug him and kiss him and hug him again. I want to see his smile. I want for people to ask me how I am and really mean that they want to know. I want to not have to be strong every minute of every day in front of my kids. I want to grieve him and begin to heal instead of feeling as though I am putting something off. But I can't seem to. I feel defective. He would have been 69 in one week. I still can't believe he won't be here for me to call and talk to on that day. Thanks for reading. I guess I just needed to get it out. Lisa

I'm going to write about my dad. I want to talk about his major illness in 2004-2005, his diagnosis of lung cancer, funny stories, loving stories, his death, etc... The first post is his death. I needed to get it out. I get the need to write from him. He was a college professor, so I get it honest. http://myfather-smallthingswithgreatlove.blogspot.com/

Wow, great post Katie. You are so right. I guess I agree that there shouldn't be a timeline placed on grief, even if it stretches into years, but it is good that maybe there will be more attention paid to the fact that grief can be debilitating and cause physical pain and symptoms too....maybe more doctors will be aware of their patients who've lost loved ones and question them to be sure they are grieving in a healthy way versus a way that is starting to be damaging to them. I think part of it has to do with the fact that many of us live so far from other family members. Whereas years ago we would've all grieved for a lost loved one together, talked things out and taken as long as we needed while sharing the burden of grief, nowadays a lot of people are alone or almost alone in dealing with their pain.

I'm new here, but wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts as you move through another stage of grief. I hope you feel comforted by his memories on these two tough days for you.

I can't thank you all enough for the support and helpful words. I think I am doing a bit better. The painful shock is starting to recede a little bit. I talk to my stepmom every evening and she is really helping me to process all of this. She's reminding me to be thankful for what we had, the time we had, and that helps a bit. I haven't gotten much sleep the past two nights. I am trying to stop taking the Xanax but maybe I still need to take it for a while longer. I'm in a fog today I'm so tired. I miss him, I have a huge hole in my heart, I want him back. But I'm doing better.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope your memories will help to lessen the pain of missing him so very much.

Jana, I am very new here, but I understand your pain. My father in law passed away 2 1/2 years ago and the pain still feels very fresh sometimes. And of course my pain over my dad *is* fresh....but I try to tell myself that the amount of pain I feel is equal to the amount of love I feel, and sometimes that helps. (not always!) I hope you feel better and I hope things get better for you. I am sure your Mum is very proud of her grandchildren and the mother that her daughter has become.

Hello again. I am now moving to this forum as the most appropriate place for me to be right now. My father died 20 days after his diagnosis of lung cancer. We had visitations at his church yesterday and today and then his memorial service after the second visitation this morning. I went to everything and never cried a tear. I haven't cried a drop since when I was with him when he died on Monday. I can't. I feel so numb and in shock and like this isn't really happening. My heart screams sometimes, and other times it whispers....but it's always saying "I want my Daddy." Over and over. I don't mean to think it. But it's what my heart says. I want one more hug, one more kiss, one more moment. When will this numbness start to wear off? At night I get so anxious and upset that I have to take half a Xanax to get to sleep. There's a little girl in me crying for help, for someone to understand. Everyone is so kind, but it feels like they don't understand even though they want to. They want to tell me he's in a better place and I should be glad he didn't suffer any more than he did. I know all that, but right now, I just want my Daddy. I'm numb, but hurting. How does this happen? I'm scared of how I'm going to feel once the numbness wears off a bit. I have 3 children, and my oldest daughter that just turned 15 is severely autistic. I know grief. I know stress. I know living with grief and stress in my life and my heart every single day, and somehow I manage it because I must. But this one scares me. I'm afraid I'm going to drop in my tracks and break into little pieces. Truly, I want my Daddy. Please.

Thank you so much. It helps more than I can say to be able to come here and read your words and know that I am not alone, and that people understand. I know right now I am just shocked at how quickly he died, with no time for good-byes or to prepare anything, but as the shock wears off the pain will come flooding back. I am going to share my story, I need to so much, but I warn you all-it will be long. My dad was a college professor who loved nothing more than to lecture and lecture and talk and talk, and I inherited that from him.......

Thank you so much, everyone. I truly appreciate you all taking the time to send kind words. I finished writing his obituary. It's on this site under William Moreland: http://www.spencemillerfuneralhome.com/index.cfm

Hello. I have obviously only posted here a couple of times. My father died on Monday only 20 days after being diagnosed with LC. I am in the process of writing his obituary and will post it here when I am done. I wanted to thank everyone for your support, kindness and information when we still thought he might be able to fight the cancer. Now that his battle has finished, I know I will be here more, unfortunately in the grieving section, probably. I am bereft without my daddy. I know I'll be okay, I know we all will, but right now the pain makes my chest feel as though it might explode at any moment. I need to write out the story of his death, and hope to post it here so others who understand what we've just gone through can share it with me. Sharing it helps, somehow. I was with him, holding his hand, telling him I adored him as he drew his last courageous breath. When I can handle it emotionally, I will write the whole story. Here is the quote my stepmom and I are putting in his obit: He lived an ordinary life, doing small things with great love. I just can't find the words to express how very, very much I loved him. He was the most wonderful father I could've ever imagined. I guess I could blather on and on here about him and how my heart aches. I should stop for now. Thanks for letting me share about his passing.

Thanks for the welcome, it's means so much. I just got back from a quick visit to see my dad. He now knows that his cancer is terminal. He asked my stepmom last night, and she is on a "don't lie, but don't offer information" stint right now. So when he asked, she answered him honestly. He didn't ask the doc's prognosis, so she didn't mention it. He had just been given his pain meds before I got there so he was pretty loopy. He managed to tell me that he has a "virulent cancer with a prognosis that doesn't look good" before he got too loopy to talk much. I asked him how that made him feel and he said scared, but then he started talking about the Harry Potter movie that was on TV. So, we're on the path of letting him know what is going on....the only thing he doesn't know right now is how long the onc said he has, and since that is just an educated guess it's okay if he hasn't heard that part yet. When she told him, my stepmom also told him that I have been looking up information on the 'net and that when he's well enough we'll get a second opinion, so it sounds like she is loosening up as far as getting him to the cancer hospital so we can see if anything can be done to help him. She can't get over the fact that he's had so many chest xrays in the past 4 years and that no one saw the cancer until now. She seems to be bouncing back some and starting to show some fight....and yes, he's quite a fighter too. When he got so sick with MRSA (it was actually in his breastbone, which had to be removed so he only has his ribcage protecting his heart) there were 3 other men who all had exactly what he had-diabetes, heart disease and post-operative MRSA....they all died except for him. I just hope he has enough left in him to give this a good go too. I have already started a notebook with information for him and my stepmom. His name is Bill, her name is Susan. One thing I'd like to know about is any supplements that we could consider starting him on for boosting his immune system, etc....His medical situations are complicated so we'll have to clear everything through his doctors, but perhaps there are some relatively harmless things we can get him started on before we can get the second opinion? Thanks again for the welcome and the help. I'll work on starting to add his info to the profile as I get the chance. It's hard to find much time to be on the computer with a toddler trying to "help" all the time.

Hello everyone. I've been reading all around the forums since yesterday when I found this site. I am here because I just found out on Wednesday that my beloved father has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I don't know a lot of details as I haven't been able to be at the hospital with him and my stepmom is so shocked and upset that she isn't remembering all the details of what the doctors are telling her. I do know that it's non-small cell and it's Stage IV. My dad has been very sick with a lot of things for several years. In a nutshell, he had heart bypass surgery in late 2004 and came out of it with 2 hospital infections which nearly killed him-MRSA and some other not fun infections. He ended up on life support, with congestive heart failure and renal failure. He was in the hospital for 8 months and in rehab for a couple more before he finally made it home. He has diabetes and ended up with a horrible bedsore that also almost killed him. Since then he has been very frail and fighting to get his health back to even close to what it was before he got the surgery. A month ago he was hospitalized because he had a UTI that wouldn't clear up because for him, "normal" antibiotics don't do anything anymore and he needed IV a/b to get well. They told us then that he had pneumonia, which he always gets when in the hospital. He was home for a week when he started screaming in pain from his back. He's been diagnosed with spinal stenosis and degenerative disc disease so my stepmom has just figured that is why he's been complaining of so much pain in his back, but when he started yelling in pain she knew something was wrong and was going to take him to the ER when she got home from work that night. Then he fell and had to be taken right in. In the ER they discovered that he had a 3x3cm mass on his spine that had caused one of his vertebrae to crack, hence the pain. They told my stepmom it was possibly cancer. Of course I ran straight to Google and read that at his age, it was probably metastasized lung cancer, and sure enough, a week later that is our diagnosis. I am numb and in shock. I haven't cried a single tear yet. I guess I have been prepared for him to keel over and die, perhaps from a heart attack or stroke, but I didn't expect that he'd have this to contend with on top of everything else. He is a former smoker, so I guess it's not a complete surprise. My heart is heavy, though, because I just lost my father-in-law to leukemia two years ago. For my family and my children to have to go through this again breaks my heart-most especially for my father, of course. Right now he's still in the hospital he was in after he got so sick 4 years ago-a place my stepmom trusts and is comfortable in. His onc. there is treating the spinal tumor with radiation in hopes of relieving his pain, but isn't planning on treating his lung cancer at this time. He said we have 9-12 months with dad left. We live in . where we have a wonderful cancer hospital at . However, that is where my dad had his heart surgery and my stepmom is dead-set against him going back there. I've tried to explain to her that the cancer part is separate and different, and that right now he needs to be evaluated by a second doctor and have his treatment options explored-especially the possibility of clinical trials. If we can buy him extra time and a decent quality of life for longer, I want to do that. He is my children's only remaining grandpa....I can't just let him go without trying to fight. So now I am trying to convince my stepmom to take him to . after he's released from this other hospital. (Which is a great hospital too, -just not a cancer hospital....). Oh, and to top it off, due to his other health issues, he still hasn't been told that he's got late stage cancer and that he's dying. She wants to get him to rehab first and get him stronger before she tells him. I respect that, she needs to do what is right and she knows him best. It's hard for me, though, not to be able to talk to him about this. I know there will be time, though, once he does know. I just want him to know so he can help participate in the decisions about where we go from here and whether or not to pursue another opinion, etc... Suggestions are always welcome as I am here to learn all I can. Thanks in advance for all the support and love that I see here. I know it will be a vaulable resource in the months to come, and I hope to be able to give as much as I get.