Mr Ry
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Posts posted by Mr Ry
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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4 `4*: -,_ ,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4` 4*:- , _,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4 `4*: -., _,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,-:*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?" `4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4` 4*: -., _,.-:*4`4*:-.,_,.-:*4`4*:-,_,.-:*
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
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SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
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Texas Transplant
Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing George W. Bush's visit to their ranch earlier that day.
"The funniest part," the first one said, "was when he kept trying to honk the cow's horns, complaining that they didn't work."
They laughed, and then the second cowboy said, "No, the best was when he asked if being a cowboy meant that I was half-cow."
They all laughed louder, and then the third cowboy said, "No, boys, the best was when he tried to milk that steer!"
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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
Oh have been there.
Iressa can be like Ex-Lax. 
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Great addtion to the joke.
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The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the man started hitting the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?" The second man said, "I don't know but that face sure rings a bell."
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Angie,
Too late, she is at work and I am home stashing black pepper all over the house.
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Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's *ss and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
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No Wonder I Like Pepper.
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Ok, I'll give a few extra, because Frank is on vacation.
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I am glad everything is going well.
Kisses from a mom with or with out teeth are always sweet.
John
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A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. His wife is annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
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ROTFLMAO
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Boy you are cranking up the points before your vacation.
Extra points for being 30 years too late.
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Yeah Frank, extra points for picking on elderly women.
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.Cheri,
I do not remember the about I was given, but I gave myself that injection once a week. Other wise I had to travel 20 miles to the cancer center to receive it. I did not need a nurse to give it. I used an insulin needle. It is quite small.
I am sending my best to your dad to get feeling better.
John
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I would grant it, but she would break my fingers if I get in to the drawer that has the hall passes.
Enjoy the beach. Myrtle Beach is our favorite spring break vacation spot.
Take care and have fun.
Don't leave with out the hall pass though. Big fine.
John M.
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Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdome?
While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.
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Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride!
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State Trooper
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet your are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police
Ball. "He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car.
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Teecake,
I really do not care what is in it, it works.
This is one thing I did not take apart to see what is in it. (answer of "C" to question number one).
No this takes us up 12000!!!
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We are going for more points.
One day this Blonde woman was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this other woman that looks exactly like her. She says to the other blonde, “Hey you look just like me!”
The other woman agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”
The first blonde answers, “Chicago.”
“Me too!” says the second blonde, “What street do you live on?”
“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first woman.
“Me too!” says the second woman, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”
''951.”
“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”
“ John and Cathy,” says the first woman. “Me too!” shouts the second blonde. “I wonder if we're related!?”
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”
2000 points!
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Rich,
I was a smoker from 15 years old to 47 years old. I have tried to quit ever since I started at 15. I tried cold turkey several times. I tried the patch. I tried group therapy. I quit by using Zyban. I was given the prescription. I took it for a week while I continued to smoke. I quit on the 7th day. I measured my cigarettes on the last day so I would run out of cigarettes just before bed. When I got up in the morning I did not have one to smoke. I went with the idea that every bit of time I had gone with out smoking was a mark. I knew that even one puff would send me back, as it has before to two packs a day. The Zyban help me when the urges came on. When I felt the need for a cigarette. I would just sit back and relax and day dream for what ever time it took to get over the urge. I had to quit taking the Zyban after the first two weeks because of a allergic reaction. I took the week of not smoking and kept adding to it. It was one of the biggest challenges in my life. So I had thought. I had quit smoking four years before my dx.
One word of caution. Rochelle and I had tried for years to have children. we gave up and adopted two kids. Later my Dr. warned me that if we did not want children I should have a vasectomy. I said why fix what is all ready broken. The week I had quit Rochelle conceived. We call Jillian our Zyban baby.
Best of luck John.
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Oh how true.
Frank get out the spread sheet, 500 points for that one.
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Becky,
Well come back and give me heck on my joke postings. If you do not I am going to load up the Just For Laughs forum with blonde jokes. I have started already.
Even the Just For Laughs form stirs up the negative crap.
Your opinion is always welcomed in this household.
Best of luck to you and your family getting settled in the new house.
John
Iressa can be like Ex-Lax. 
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
in JUST FOR FUN
Posted
A husband and wife are watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,'' and the husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...''
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes.
The husband says, ''Well, can I phone a friend?''