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dlemmon87

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Everything posted by dlemmon87

  1. My heart is heavy tonight. I ran across a pic of my dad and I, and it hit me that he's really gone. It seems strange to still not have accepted it. I find myself spending a whole day focused on wanting to call him. Other times I honestly wonder why he hasn't called, then I remember. Why is it so easy to almost forget the truth? 2 different friends, lost 2 different brothers this week. Each man, one 25, the other 30 years of age left behind a young son. both young boys will grow up never knowing their fathers. I have been trying to help both friends understand their emotions. since loss often makes us feel crazy, and I want to reassure them that they are not. that its never easy to say goodbye. But besides feeling needed, it also leaves me feeling selfish. I had 22 years with my father, these 2 baby boys had less than 3 months with theirs. And I realize, at least I had mine. They will not. I know I can't make it better for anyone, but at least I can relate, and can listen. I truly believe my dad would be so proud of everything I have accomplished in the last month. But i still wish he was still here on earth with us. It will be a long time before I reach a point of accepting he's gone. I am on myspace and facebook if anyone wants someone to talk to. Thank you everyone for reading and saying such kind words, I will return here often.
  2. Thanks for all the support and kind words. I thought the hardest day would of been speaking at his service and burying him. But its actually getting harder for me. I'm wanting to pick up the phone and call him. I even have crazy thoughts of wanting him to come back to life, or not be dead anymore. I also keep replaying my final moments with him, and wish I would have said something more then what I had. When I was up to see him at halloween he was doing so good that I told him "you'll see me in 10 weeks" I told him I loved him and hugged him, but I didn't hug him for long, I was sure chemo was gonna give him time. I would have hugged him a lot longer if I would of known it would of been my last. I even zoned out driving one day, but caught myself before going off the road. I swore I seen him driving down the road in town another time. I feel crazy. I wish the grieving would just happen all at once, instead of coming and going almost like "when it feels like it". I am going to the doctors tomorrow to discuss getting on antidepressants, and attending a grief support meeting (if i can find it) if not i will attend the one next week just up the road. I'm hoping it helps some. I believe Hospice is making a care bear with some of his clothes, they were gonna make it for his girlfriend but she told them to make it for me because she thinks I will need it more. I do have one thing to look forward to, my best friend who is in remission from hodgkins lymphoma is holding a "Brr for the Cure" this March (on the day she was diagnosed) for donations for the American Cancer Society (for all cancers in general).
  3. so I read through all your posts and started crying. not just because you have felt the same way i have through your journey, but you had to let go just a day before I did. I feel so strongly about continuing the fight too. I think our fathers would be very proud of us! My dad was so worried that when the chemo wasn't helping that I would be mad at him for stopping or for not doing anything else. But when he was first diagnosed I told him "I just want you to try to fight it, but if you can't handle the way it makes you feel, Its okay, u can stop, I will not be mad. All I want is for you to at least try".... and he did. I reassured him I was not mad at him, that he did what I wanted him to, and that it was okay. How are you holding up? I'm gonna go to a greif support meeting tomorrow or next week. It's actually getting harder for me. i'm a great listener/reader if u ever need to talk... though I suppose that's what this site is for.
  4. You are certainly not alone in the shock of your mothers health. I was told that often symptoms won't show till it reaches Stage 4. You gotta stay as strong and as hopeful as you can, because she will need you to. But it's okay to cry too. I can relate to what u are going through, and am probably not the best comfort since I lost my father Dec 5th and still grieving. But I can tell you this, before my dad was even diagnosed I wrote him a long letter telling him how much I loved him, how thankful I am for everything he had done for me, how much I still needed him, and how sorry I was for not always being the best daughter. And I feel very relieved knowing there wasn't anything unsaid, he knew just how much I loved him. I reread that letter and think about how great it probably made him feel to know he was needed and loved. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!!
  5. Hi, my name is Donnae, I am 22 y/o. For the past 5 years I had lived 600 miles away from my father, but seen him as often as work would allow. From age 10-18 he raised me alone. He was diagnosed with stage 4 NSCLC (adenocarcinoma) in 9/09. I was with him at Halloween when he started chemo, he handled it well and left me with so much hope. I had to leave a week before Thanksgiving to get back to my job. ON thanksgiving my dad passed out, and went to the hospital, he fractured his back, chemo wasn't helping, but he was still okay. 5 days later he was bed ridden, I flew up on Friday the 4th, he never opened his eyes.... on Sat Dec 5th, his girlfriend woke me up 15min till 4am and told me it was time. I rushed to his side kissed his cheek, held his hand, and told him "it's okay, I'm here".... after that, he never took another breath. I am having a really rough time with all of this. Wanting to pick up the phone and call him, wishing I had stayed there those last 2 weeks, hoping he knew I was there with him even though he never woke up, trying to keep my faith that he is in a better place...etc. I need people to talk to who can relate. I feel like when I keep talking about it with friends and family that it may get to be annoying for them. I am very depressed, and can't stop thinking about it. I'd also like any information on fundraisers or walks for the cure... I want to get involved, closest area to me would be VA Beach or Norfolk VA
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