New MissyK

*Smiles* Sue, ya know, the reason I found my way back was because I know you all know what it's like...most who are still here that I know have grieved the losses endured by befriending those who's lives weren't as long as some other...or we were family/friends/loved ones. There's not a single person here who doesn't know how it works!!! I'm so incredibly terrified of "letting it happen"...I've been for three years now. I'm not sure that if I let that dam break, there will be a stop to it. I'm so scared of NOT being able to stop it that I've never let it start! I have grieved, in a way....in short bursts that scare my family and friends to no end. And me frightening them by the intensity of it doesn't help my fears any...so I stuff it back down and just go on. I'm pretty good at going on even without fully grieving...I've managed another baby (who was in the NICU for a month)...then having to revive said baby when he was home (before an ambulance trip BACK to the NICU) all within two months of Mom dying. I've managed "life" since then....but I still feel lost sometimes. That's why I came back to you all who know what lost feels like.... And thank you, Sue....Sometimes just seeing her "name" makes me feel better.... Dammit how I miss her!

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but am amazed at your continued courage and strength! You've been riding an emotional rollercoaster for 3 years...a break (as Katie suggested) would not be out of line after all that! I'm sure your dad is so incredibly proud of you!! I remember when Mom was dealing with her brain mets and how terrified we were about what was happening to her. I also remember grieving the mom I used to have and learning all about the "new mom". We used a LOT of humor! We called it "playing charades" when she'd forget what word she was looking for, etc. But it can be very frustrating and sad and lonely feeling...that's where we come in...to help support you when you're feeling those things. We're here, we'll listen, and it helps Much love, Missy

My best advice is to ask your dad what you can do to support him during this journey. With my mom (who's case was very advanced compared to your father's...I'm so glad they seem to have caught his early!!!) her needs and wants changed over time and she appreciated that we would ask her how best to help her. Sending prayers for you and your family! Please, keep us posted on how he's doing!

For some reason this year the anniversary of Mom's death just knocked me down. I spent a good portion of the day in bed just bawling...with Xavier trying his almost 3 year old best to try to "fix" whatever was wrong with me, bless his heart. Every so often I sit down with my brother and have a good long teary-eyed talk about our frustration and sadness, hopes and fears. Mainly we try to avoid it, though. Ralph (our step-dad) and I talk more about Mom than anything else sometimes, it seems, and I think it's one of the reasons that I have a hard time contacting him more often than I do...and I feel awful about that. He lost his wife and needs comfort, too! He needs someone to share memories, frustrations, fears, and the small steps forward with... I just don't know that I can be that person...at least not right now. Mostly I'm really good at avoiding the hurt. Sometimes it creeps up on me...like it did this year. Is it odd that I just don't *want* to grieve??

Hi! My name is Missy and in May of 2007 I lost my mother to non-small cell adenocarcinoma after a 2 year battle that "they" said would last all of three months. It has taken a toll on me, losing her. She was my rock, my support, my control and comfort... And not just for me, but for our entire family. Life is not the same now. I hurt, still, for the "family" I lost when I lost Mom. I do not talk to siblings the way I did; nor, sadly, do I talk to my step-dad...the only "parent" I have left...the way I used to. It's all about finding our own "new normal" now. I feel strong enough, finally, to come back and share our journey, what we learned, learn new things, and hopefully hang around long enough to see the end to the disease that caused so much of my family life to be taken away. I have two children...one is 11 now, and was the oldest grandbaby to my mom, the other never got to meet her in person...he's almost 3 now. I'm back in college, looking toward the future. Still married, and still living in the middle of America where the sweetcorn grows tall each summer and the snow falls nice and deep in the winter!! I've missed you....and I'm glad to be back