rebncor

and so it continues..... spent the day at Stanford yesterday - ctscans of chest, abdomen and pelvis - chemo is not working - can't tell if it is cancer or infection in the lungs but whatever it is is def bigger than last time, spot on liver is bigger, spot on adrenal gland is bigger and now a shadow on the kidneys - started new chemo every week for 2 weeks and 1 off - Taxotere - i have never felt so helpless in my life - telling our daughters that his cancer was worse was so very hard. we have to just go on and hope that this chemo will stop the growth and give us a little more time. or even, maybe, we'll get lucky and it'll beat the crap out of the cancer and give us a miracle - again thank you for a place where I can speak - I find it impossible to talk to people about this without dissolving into tears - this writing actually helps, I think, if anything can, it does..................

Thank you all for your loving comments - I have had a hard time responding because I dissolve into tears when I read what I wrote and how you responded. Thank you so much, it does help to know that there is support.... doesn't change anything but does make me feel less alone. I am not sure how I am going to use this forum or what it will do to help me but I am going to give it a try. This week was a better week for my Corey. A week ago, after a week in the hospital on blood and antibiotics he went to Stanford to have chemo. He was very weak and shaky- had lost over 10% of his body weight and weighed just 114 pounds- he is 5'8" - they refused to do chemo. I was devastated. I pushed and pulled and started a diet dairy for him - made him eat just below the getting sick mark and he finally got into the spirit of it - after months of - 'I'm not hungry', to 'I'll eat anyway....' this week, yay, he gained 7 pounds, is much stronger, - the neurologist put him on anti-seizure meds which was a slight set back.... he slept like he was in a coma and scared me to death for over 24 hours, the oncologist reduced the dose, said he was doing so much better and ordered the chemo. No side effects from that so far except the usually fatigue. So - he is still eating and we are still keeping track and this crisis (one of about a billion) seems to be over. This disease teases and tempts - makes us believe it is better and drops us in a huge hole of despair with each crisis -I HATE CANCER! thank you for letting me vent.

I am new and not sure I am where I am supposed to be but I am defianely grieving- how in world do people deal with this - it has been 18 months since diagnosis and he is at 114 pounds, weak, shaky, short of breath and now another round of chemo - fistula in his chest that may kill him first. More pills and drugs than I have ever seen We have been together for 37 years - how do I help him and how do I handle the pain - I cannot stop crying and he is still here..... I hate this disease. I cannot talk to my daughters who are 19 and 23 as my pain is hurting them even more. they do not live at home so I think it is easier to not see what is happening - I cannot talk to my husband, my best friend as he is so scared and trying to deal with what his life has become. They say no cure, just some more time.... I know there is no answer but maybe it helped to write it, I don't know what to do anymore...