stand4hope

Dear Karen, I am so sorry you lost your mom. It's been a really tough year, hasn't it? I am glad we got to hear from you, but I sure wish the circumstances were different. I hope your little beauty, Faith, is getting along well and that things are going better for her in school now. God bless you, Karen, and take care of yourself. Love, Peggy

Dear Beth, I got very tearful when I read your post because the exact same thing happened with my mom who died in Jan. 1999. I had been with her day and night at the hospital for a week before her death, and she was comfortable, but declining, not eating, and it was her time to go. The day before she died, she had me get my brother and sisters and her best friend, one by one on the phone and she told them all good-bye--she had already told our dad good-bye. Suddenly, the next afternoon she yanked off her mask - she was on 100% oxygen at that point. I gently went to put it back on and she angrily yanked it back off again. This happened about three times and the nurse had come in. She very gently said, "It's ok, Lucy. We'll just let it stay off for a minute." She then gently tried to put it on again and my mom angrily yanked it off with strength she didn't have. She never opened her eyes during all this, but her facial expression said it all. My mom NEVER NEVER let anybody else EVER tell her what to do - NOBODY!!!! I looked at the nurse and told her to just leave it off. The nurse said, "Are you sure?" and I said, "Yes." Her O2 level went down in the 40s very quickly after that and she hung on for a few hours before she passed. I realize that my decision was different than yours. It's horribly frightening to see someone you love so much gasping for air. In that moment, all that any of us can do is what seems best at that moment - and that's what you did. There is absolutely no reason for guilt because you were only trying to help him and save him. I knew, without a doubt, that mom was ready to go, wanted to go, had asked forgiveness of the Lord, and had said good-bye to all her kids, and that she would have fought us with every ounce of strength she had left because, like I said, SHE made the decisions and nobody else. I pray with all my heart that you will put this behind you and believe and know that you did what was best at that moment for your dad. Only in a case similar to mine (I knew she was 100% competent, I knew the only thing keeping her alive was the oxygen, and I knew 100% that she was ready to go) would it be easy to make a decision like I did. I could have laid a guilt trip on myself for doing the exact opposite of what you did. I could have said I killed my mom, or always wondered if I did the right thing, and could she possibly have survived if we had forced the mask, but I never did go on that guilt trip. So, you see, either way you could "allow" yourself to feel guilty. Don't carry that around, honey. You did what was right. God bless you! Love, Peggy

Peggy is my nickname. My real name is Margaret Jayne. When I was little, my grandmother called me Pejjie Jean Punkin' Shell. Occasionally, someone in my family will call me "Pejjie Jean" . Peggy

Dear Jana, I can really identify with this comment: You nailed it with that one. It just all feels so different. Getting up, going to work, going to the store, going to bed, going out to eat with others, and not having our loved one to tell all the stupid stuff of the day that doesn't really matter a hill of beans, but is just stuff you talked about it. I find myself telling my boss about the guy that cut me off on the road, or the funny thing one of my dogs did, or something stupid like that. I usually catch myself and stop and realize that he doesn't care about that crap. I guess Don really didn't care, either, but I listened to his crap and he listened to mine. LOL! That's just what you do with people like my Don and your Mum. I think that's what makes close people close - being able to "shoot the breeze" about nothing and just enjoy each other's company and having someone to share silly things and serious things with. You're right - it all just feels different. I understand. (((((((((((((JANA))))))))))))))))) Love, Peggy

Dear Cheryl, I didn't see this post until now. I haven't been on the board much the past month or so. I'm sorry to hear this news and hope that Jake is adjusting to the news. Your Jake sounds like my husband. He would have taken anything they could throw at him for as long as he could have got them to throw it. God bless Jake for his desire to live. Hang in there! Love, Peggy

P. S. Our son would climb a tree to hide and stay in the tree for hours.

When I was upset, I would swing or play the piano real loud. I don't know if you would call those "hiding places", but they were my places to escape. Love, Peggy

Larry, I am very saddened by your post. I know the pain you are feeling right now. You have always been such a wonderful husband to your wife, and all of your posts reflect your love for her. I'm sending you a PM. God bless you, Larry! Love, Peggy

This is more very sad news. I am so sorry. Your post reflects your love and your pain. May God bless you richly with His peace and comfort. Love, Peggy

I am so totally wiped out by this news. TOTALLY!!! It just hits so close to home. Leslie went in the hospital TOTALLY expecting to come out - it wasn't time yet!!!! She was so full of life feeling pretty good - fighting - strong - determined - willing to do anything to survive. Boy, does that scenario sound familiar to some of you that know me. This really hit me where it hurts. I pray for God's blessings on Mark and all of Leslie's family and friends, and all of you here at LCSC who are devastated by this news. Love to all, Peggy

Larry, I am so sorry that things are so bad for your wife. Most of all, I pray that she gets some relief from the pain. I just HATE it when I read about people having this kind of pain. There just needs to be some relief for them . . . . I just can't imagine. From a personal standpoint, I am not afraid to die, and when my time comes, it will be ok - however, I, like your wife, do not want to live with that kind of pain. I pray she gets relief and SOON. Love and hugs, Peggy

Things got harder for me after Christmas, too, Kel. Must be because we were both so busy planning Christmas and all the activities. When things slowed down . . . . well, you know the rest. God bless you, Kel! Love, Peggy

Janet, My heart aches for you. I know your pain. Hang in there - I'm hanging with you. Love, Peggy

Big hugs, Denise. I understand. It hurts a lot. Love, Peggy

Me, too, Donna. It's ok. I think we're normal. See my post to Val (Treebywater) on her "Grieving" post tonight. Love and hugs to you! Peggy

Dear Val, Don't get upset with my next sentence until I explain. I had to grin when I read your post. The reason I was grinning is because I can tell you those words "GET OVER IT" are exactly what Don would say to me if he could speak to me right this minute. He would probably say it to you, too, if he knew you. He would say it gently and with compassion, but he would say it and mean it. If he could see me, today, almost 6 months later, continually tearing up on a daily basis and almost choking trying to hold back the tears around others, he would be getting real tough with me to "get over it". His logic would be that "there isn't anything you can do about it - so get over it." For some reason, it was always easy for him to "get over it", but it has never been easy for me. I know (almost 100% for sure), though, that if the tables were turned and I was the one that was gone and he was still here, that he wouldn't have gotten over it either. In fact, I believe that he would be worse than I am right now. I'm not grinning anymore, Val, because I can so identify with your words. I'm not over it. Today is my birthday, and my niece and her kids took me out for dinner. As we were leaving the restaurant, I thanked her for dinner and said, "You know, Don always took me out for dinner on my birthday." And then, the tears came. She hugged me and said it would get better. My response was, "That's what they say, but it seems to be getting worse instead of better." I told my niece that in the last month or so, any thoughts about him no longer being here, or the times when I have to say that my husband has passed away, or Don is gone, brings instant tears. Also, it doesn't seem to matter who I'm talking to when it happens. It's like all the inhibitions have left me, and even in a professional environment where I find myself frequently among lawyers, commissioners, business men and women, the tears will come if I have to say he's gone. 90% of the time I'm ok, but if it manages to come into the conversation that he's gone, the tears are just instantly there. I can, and do, shut it off pretty quickly, usually because the topic is quickly changed. In the past week, I choked up while talking to my financial adviser, my building contractor, and my insurance agent. And, of course, my sister, my niece, my brother and a few friends. Again, these are short espisodes and I do quickly "get over it", but, Val, I'm not over it. Some people probably do think you should be over it. The ones that think that haven't been there - done that. They may have lost a loved one, but it's totally different when you lose someone that you were very close to, whether it's a mother, father, husband, sibling, child or a good friend. If a strong bond was there, then I think there is an enormous hole in our lives that just takes a very long time to heal. I would compare it to healing from a broken leg vs. healing from a severed leg. The broken leg heals fairly quickly and is maybe never quite the same, but the severed leg takes a very long time and changes your life forever. I guess the "up" side of that analogy is that most people who have lost a leg do eventually "get over it", but they go through a lot of pain and suffering for a very long time before they get to that point. Sorry this is so long, honey. I guess maybe I needed your post tonight so that I could write things out and sort them out in my head, too. Today has been a hard day. I missed my flowers, my dinner and my birthday cake - the things he ALWAYS remembered. . . . . see, now here come the tears. Gods love to you, Val. Love, Peggy

Dear Don, Lucie's disappointment is understandable, and I probably understand your disappointment even more, Don - even though you didn't speak it. Been there - done that. A big hug to both of you! (((((((LUCIE and DON))))))))) I will pray that Alimta shrinks that liver tumor to INVISIBLE. Love, Peggy

Ditto all of the above. Love you, Beth! Peggy

Thank you, Karen. Leslie is in my prayers. She is such a sweetheart, and I hate hearing that she is having so much trouble. Sending you big hugs, Leslie!! Love, Peggy

Dear Martha, I am so very sorry for this great loss to you and your family. May God bless you and your family with his comfort in the days, weeks and months ahead. Love, Peggy

God bless you, Beth! I don't know what else to say. Move over, Pat, I want to curl up in a ball, too! Love you all, Peggy

Dear Martha, I would like to chime in here and also express my sorrow that you are having this difficulty at the same time you are so involved with your mom. You don't have a profile, so I went back and checked your posts and see that your mom is not doing well and hospice has been brought in. I know what you are going through because I went through similar circumstances with both my mom and my dad. I feel there are a lot of things that we just don't know about you since you are so new here. I know you haven't had time to give us much info, but I was wondering about a few things, things you don't have to answer, and things I don't think you SHOULD answer on this board or to me or to anyone - only to yourself. How long have you and your husband been married? Do you have children? Did you have a great relationship before your husband's mom died, and after, or was it kind of stormy/rocky even before that time? or did it start after your mom got sick? How much time are you actually spending with your mom, and are you the only family member there to help with her or are there others? The reason I ask these questions is because I know there are always two sides to every story. It sounds like your husband is incredibly jealous of your time away from him. Was he the jealous type before your mom got sick? Was he controlling of your time before your mom got sick?...or...Is his behavior just totally out-of-character for him? If it's TOTALLY out-of-character for him, then he might truly being having guilt feelings because of not seeing his own mom before she died. Of course, I don't know. When my parents were ill (5 years apart) and in the dying process, I spent quite a bit of time with both of them and a lot of time away from my husband, especially during their last week of life. It was very difficult for me to do, but I worked very, very hard at still trying to keep things reasonably sane at home and staying in touch a LOT - by phone, by email, by whatever means. Like I said, it was hard, and it was exhausting, but I did the best I could. Your husband and family are just as important at this time as your mom is - your mom just needs more of your physical attention right now. I had the advantage that my husband and I had been married for a very long time and had a solid foundation. Also, he loved my parents almost as much as I did, and he appreciated that I did everything I could to help them. IF, and I say IF because I really don't know, but IF you and your husband have had a stormy relationship, and IF your husband isn't close to your mother, and IF he was controlling before her illness (or any combination of these things), and IF you have pretty much ignored your husband since your mom got sick, then I doubt that just talking to him about it will help. You said in your post . . . . . . so I assume that you have been "talking" about it - at least in some fashion. I know the time isn't right at this time because of everything going on with your mom, but maybe later you could talk to your husband about the two of you getting some counseling together, if some of these problems were there before your mom's illness. I don't know why I felt so compelled to write to you about this. I've actually been pretty inactive on the board since my husband died, but for some reason I felt drawn to respond to you. I can tell from your previous posts that you are suffering terribly over your mom, and now, after seeing the legal separation web site that your husband visited, you have another stress piled on top of everything else. This can't be easy, and I think your post reflects that you are really having a hard time. I hope nothing I said here upsets you further. I just thought it might help if you looked back over your relationship before your mom became ill to see if perhaps some of these problems may have already been in the brewing pot. Please know that I care and I am praying to God for comfort for your mother, for peace for you, and for healing for your marriage. God bless you, Peggy

Dear Teri, I saw this last night and wanted to crawl under my bed and hide there forever so that I would never have to hear bad news again about my friends. I just don't know what to say. All I can do here is just roll out some words and pray that God uses them to lighten your heart and at least reduce your fears. I know this was especially tough news because you have suffered so much with the chemo, the pain, etc., etc. and just kept at it hoping with all your heart that it was worth it. Well, Teri, I'm sure it was worth it, and there is still so much hope. Think about what size those tumors would be and how many there would be if you hadn't gone with Alimta. I shudder to think. The Alimta has bought you more time - more time to find something else that will work - that magic something sitting out there just waiting for our TAnn to receive. I pray with all my heart that this is what is happening. You have been such a good friend and inspiration to me. You've stayed in touch with me since my dreadful day in August, and for that, I am so grateful. I can hardly bear to think of you having to endure anymore of this cancer crap, pain, or the resulting treatment side effects. You will never, never know how much I wish, how much I hope, how much I pray, and how strongly I want you to get well. You'll also never know how emotional I'm feeling right now. Love and hugs, Peggy

That's good news, Trish. Those steroids usually knock out that swelling in less than 24 hours. Hang in there with the rest. Jeffrey has done so well, I'm sure he will continue to do so. Love, Peggy

This great news, Brian! I love hearing all this good news tonight. Take care of yourself, Joanie. Love, Peggy