stand4hope

Greatly in need of motivation today, I listened to a motivational speaker on a CD on the way to work this morning. He said to take a sheet of paper and write whatever problem you were having at the top of the page, but to do it in the form of a positive question. I don't remember the exact examples, but they were things like, "How can I increase my income?", "How can I motivate my children?", "How can I . . . ." I've got a whole list of "How Can I" pages to do, but the first one I did was, "How can I cope with Don being gone?" You're supposed to not stop until you get 20 answers. I actually got 21. He said it would get tougher after the first 5-10, and he was right. Anyway, here's my list. Please add your own tips for coping. You would be surprised how your ideas might help someone else. 1. Keep busy. (Thank you, Ginny) 2. Every time I hear Don’s name or see it on an envelope or anything – SMILE! 3. Remember and think about the fun times, the good times, and the laughs. 4. Every time I see a picture of Don – SMILE! 5. Honor his memory and talk about him often – all his good traits. 6. Think about how blessed I was to have him for more than 38 years. 7. Thank God for those 38 years every day. 8. Focus on God and his unconditional love. 9. Focus on others – love them, call them, send cards, etc. 10. Have lots of projects on a to-do list and then DO THEM. 11. Exercise. 12. Take a walk. 13. Hug everybody. 14. Go back to old hobbies – cross stitch, sewing, etc. 15. Go out with family and friends often. 16. Have family and friends over often for dinner. 17. Fill every day with activity. 18. Learn to speak Spanish. (I've always wanted to do this, and it's an activity that would keep me busy) 19. Call or write somebody every day and tell them I love them. 20. Always remember Don’s faithful, unconditional love for me. 21. Help other caregivers and patients as much as possible with dealing with lung cancer. OK - your turn. Even if you aren't grieving, please offer your ideas. Be specific. Some of mine are a bit repetitive, but who cares? Love, Peggy

Yes, yes, yes, Becky. The firsts are so hard, and soon there will be a first Thanksgiving and a first Christmas. I know we can get through these firsts, but I also believe we can get through them with smiles if we try real hard. I'm about to post a little written exercise that I did today - maybe some of the things in there will help. We all miss David. He was such a fun and positive person and a great friend to all of us. I wish you peace, Becky, you and your entire family. Love, Peggy

Cindi O'h said: WOW! I get that! Just WOW! Love, Peggy

Bless your heart, Lori. This must be so hard for you. I don't know a thing about those treatment options. Hopefully someone can answer or you can get an answer from Dr. Cunningham. Wish there was something I could do. How is your brother coping? He's only 19. This type of thing is so very hard for someone that age. Love and hugs, Peggy

Awwww, shucks, Fay, we all know you are just a big troublemaker! For heaven's sake - just look at your track record: Good advice, encouragement to keep on keepin' on, praying for others, encouragement because no matter how bad things have been for you, you keep on fighting and fighting and fighting - guess that's all just bull crap, huh? I guess this person thinks you should get on here and tell us there is no hope, no reason to try and nothing but misery and suffering if you try to fight this disease. Hmmmmm - let's see. Your profile begins in June of 1999 . . . that would be June 1999 to November 2006 . . . guess that would only be about 5 years and 5 months of fighting this disease. Geesh! ONLY 5 years and 5 months So, in closing, I think Ann said it best: God loves you, Fay, and don't you ever forget it! Love, Peggy P.S. God loves the person that you the email, too. I'd like to think he or she just misunderstood something along the way!

I'm just beaming with smiles, through misty eyes, but smiling all the same. Look what I got in my email just now from my brother: Hi Peggy, The package with manuals and keys arrived yesterday, the box with helments etc arrived today. Am I getting excited or what!! Been reading through owners manual and think I can probably get the bike home. I have a couple of "biker" friends that will give me a hand getting familiar. They offer a safe bike class in the area that I am going to look in to. It's supported by the highyway patrol to teach basic bike skills and loads of safety training. Just can't wait. Thanks thanks. I've started putting the maintenance schedule on the computer so I have reminders.. don't want to get behind. I am rearranging my storage unit this weekend so there will be plenty of safe indoor storage for the bike. No room at the apartment and the living room is out. Will let you when it arrives. Hope all is well with you will try to call this weekend Love Bill Isn't that just so, so, so neat? It made me feel so good. The timing wasn't perfect for Bill because they just sold their house and are moving to Oregon, hopefully next year. He's a veterinarian and is hoping to sell his animal hospital soon so they can move sooner. So, in the meantime, he doesn't have a garage handy where he can keep the bike for now. I bet his wife will have to take him lunch and dinner to the garage for a few weekends. I know my brother and he will eat, drink and sleep that motorcyle. LOL! Just had to share something good for a change. Love and hugs to everyone, Peggy

Ann, I just smile every time I read anything you write. I just can't believe how much our lives are alike. First with our hubby's, and now this. I am the BIGGEST crybaby that ever lived. I avoid confrontation or anger things because I can NEVER retaliate because of the tears. Back in our 20s, Don bought me a book about how to be assertive because he got tired of me coming home from work crying about something somebody said or did and all I did was cry. LOL! I've read books, listened to tapes and done everything to try to overcome this and have decided there is no cure, so if I just try to avoid angry situations. I know any psychologists on here will beat me up good for that, but that's how I handle it - AVOID IT!! Love and hugs, Peggy P.S. Boy, what I wouldn't LIKE to say to that brat boss of yours. LOL!

The thing that changed my life was something a high school teacher said. This guy was incredible. His name was Tom Thornburgh, and he was my sophomore English teacher. He only taught at our high school for one year, and I heard that he had gone to some college and was a professor. In class one day, someone had just given the most horrible oral book report you ever heard. Mr. Thornbugh was quietly pacing the room and suddenly began to speak the names of the really, really smart people asking why they weren't criticizing this report. He called everybody Mr. or Miss. He said something like "Mr. Hadley, Miss Marling, Mr. Jones, Ms. Smith, Ms. Yohler (that was me), why are you so quiet? Why aren't you critiquing this report?" It seems like a stupid thing, but he included ME in that group. It knocked me off my feet. I had been an A-B student, but from that day forward I became a straight A student in every single class for the remainder of my 2 1/2 years of high school. I worked my butt off to do it, but I did it. I heard an expression one time that said, "I'm not what I think I am, I'm not what YOU think I am, but I am what I THINK you think I am." Boy, was that ever true. I became what I thought he thought I was. It was amazing. Peggy

Dear Pat, There's not much I can add to what the others have said. You two really do ROCK and God has blessed you with the most incredible love for each other. You are amazing. Don had those horrible soaking sweats, too, from the Decadron, and the Decadron also gave him great energy that I really enjoyed, even though he did talk nonstop. You both are in my prayers. Love, Peggy

You have my prayers for sure. That's not much more miserable than having to worry about finances. I know what it feels like to want to give up, but don't give up. Hang in there, Lil, things will look brighter tomorrow. Love and prayers, Peggy

Dear Jana, I agree so much with Ann's words, but have a few things to add. First of all, I think life does go an as normal, and that's what all of us who are grieving need to strive for - getting back to normal - albeit a "new" normal. Life does go on as normal for our friends and family, as I believe it should. Sometimes I think that's what is really hardest for us to accept, though. Yes, nothing will ever be the same, and there will always be a big hole in our hearts - a hole that nobody else sees except for someone who has gone through what you have. Like Ann said, though, others don't get it unless they have experienced it, but not just experienced it - experienced the same loss. By that I mean, not just that someone else also lost a parent, child, spouse or friend, but that they had nearly the same degree of love and closeness with that person. If you read my post today, I am having a very sad day because of watching Don's motorcycle be shipped away. Several replies so far have totally identified with how I feel because they experienced the same thing with a boat, car, or some other "thing" that was enjoyed by their loved one. My point is to try not to be too hard on those that don't get it. I don't expect ANYONE to get it, but am so appreciative of those that do. I can talk about Don generally around others - things like Don used to like those, too, or Don always said . . . ., and it doesn't bother me. But I can't talk about me and how I'm doing very much without crying. I try to avoid getting into that side of it because I truly do not want to burden them with my tears. Their lives are normal, and I respect and understand that. Hang in there, kiddo, and I promise I will try to do the same. Love and hugs, Peggy

Allied Van Lines just pulled away with Don's beautiful Kawasaki motorcycle loaded and being shipped to my brother in California. Another phase in the acceptance of finality. I'm so sad. How many people cry over a motorcycle? Not many, I guess. My brother can hardly wait, and plans to try to take as good of care of it as Don did, and I'm sure he will. Now I have to go to work. Mike is so upset, he won't even come to the house. This is a very sad day for us. Love to all, Peggy

It's good to hear from you, Karen, and I hope you are well. Our son is adopted, and I never thought about celebrating his "Gotcha Day". I wish I would have, that would have been so much fun. Happy Gotcha Day to Faith!! Much love to you and Faith. Peggy

Pat, I am so sorry this didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, and especially that Brian is feeling so bad. You must be exhausted both physically and mentally. My prayers are with you, my friend. Hang in there. Love, Peggy

I can't stop crying. This hurts so much. Joyce, I am so sorry. I so heavily pray that God comforts you and your boys and the rest of your family. I don't know you, yet I love you, and every inch of my body aches for your right now. At least it makes me feel a little better knowing that Steve had so much peace about dying. Stay in touch, Joyce. God bless you! Love, Peggy

Nancy, I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say. I can't imagine if I lost my brother or sisters or anybody else in my family right now. I just can't imagine the pain . . . . I am just so sorry. Love, Peggy

Give me the 60s, 60s, and more 60s. I love Wipeout. Was that 60s or early 70s? Who cares? I love it! I love the songs from the 50s, too. When I was a kid I used to love to watch Hit Parade. Anybody remember that? Love, Peggy

My heart is breaking. I pray the Alimta does the same thing for Brian as it has done for Trish's husband, Jeffrey. PLEASE GOD!! Love, Peggy

Trish, I couldn't be more thrilled to hear this good news. Jeffrey is a walking miracle, and he certainly has a dedicated wife that has helped him along the way. You have been such a blessing to him. I'm also extremely thrilled to know that Alimta is working for somebody. Praise God! CONGRATULATIONS! Love, Peggy

Dear Pat, I am most definitely hoping and praying for a turnaround for Brian. I do sense your fear and concern, though, and know how you feel. There's is nothing easy about seeing someone you love so much in so much pain and suffering. I thank God for Dilaudid! At least something eased his pain. I'm praying for you and Brian, Pat. God be with you! Love, Peggy

Dear Jana, I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I don't remember a thing I wrote to you last week, but I know I had received a quote in my email that morning that I wanted to send you. If I didn't delete it, I'll send it to you later. I remember that it was about grieving and how we must learn to control our thoughts instead of letting them control us. I know that's easier said than done, but in time, that is what we will learn to do. I think it is 1,000 times harder for a child to lose a parent when they are young, like yourself. My son is just having a horrible time dealing with his dad's death. I have a hard time identifying with my son, and also your grief, as I did not grieve like that over my parents. My situation was much different, though. My parents were older (70s) and I was older (50s). Also, both of my parents were quite ill for a very, very long, especially my mother, and her death was expected many years prior to when it happened. In addition, I loved my parents, but I didn't have a really close relationship with them, like you did with your Mum. I was closer with my dad than with my mom, but it came later in his life. I read something else recently, and it may have been a link from this site, but it talked about how the degree of grief is relative to the relationship you have with the person you lost. A person can have intense grief even for a close friend or a pet. Obviously, you had a very close relationship with your mum, and your pain, grief, sense of loss and time to heal are probably going to be longer and more difficult because of that. I remember when our first dog, Pug, died. We had her for about 6 years and we always took her to Don's parents' farm when we went to visit. She got a little too close to the road and got hit by a car. Don was not a crier EVER, but he cried over the loss of Pug and had a really hard time. Even worse, he felt guilty because he did not even shed a tear when his grandfather died, yet he was brokenhearted over the loss of Pug. You see, it's not the relation, it's the relationSHIP. Your relationship with your Mum, and many others here who have lost parents and had a hard time with it, was very special and very close. It's just going to take time, so don't beat yourself up over how you feel. Just try as hard as you can to keep your mind busy with other things - your new baby daughter, your husband, a hobby, a project. It's so important to keep your mind busy. You are still going to bounce around (believe me, I do a lot), but I have found that keeping my mind busy and staying focused on my goals, projects, other people, etc. really helps. I truly believe that it is about us controlling our thoughts and not letting them control us. It takes work, and it takes a strong desire to NOT be sad and NOT be depressed. More than anything, I don't want to be sad and depressed. I am bound and determined and have my heels dug in that I am not going to let sadness and depression rule my life. I pray with ALL my heart that you will be that determined. Focus on the wonderful life ahead for your daughter, her first tooth, her first word, her first day at school, her first bike ride, her first love, etc., etc. Wow, I'm sorry this is so long. People keep writing to me that I've been too quiet on the board, so I guess I just made up for it. You take care, honey, and write to me anytime you want. Tell Karen I said that goes for her, too. Love, Peggy

Millie, I am so, so sorry to hear this. You have been a great supporter here, and we all feel your pain. May God bless you with His comfort. Love, Peggy

I corrected the website address above. It should have said www.messies.com. I don't like Flylady very much - it's too silly and goofy for me. I like Messies Anonymous, though. It is a little more serious with lots of good tips and recognizes that changing our ways is a slow, steady process and something that we shouldn't expect to have immediate success overnight. I subscribe to a couple of the daily lists and enjoy it a lot. Good luck! Love, Peggy

Jana, I wrote you a very long response before I left for work this morning and did the back up thing to copy a quote I wanted to send you and lost it all because I did not copy it before I hit the back button. . . sigh! Anyway, I didn't have time to rewrite it and don't now because I'm at work, but will write to you tonight or tomorrow. Love, Peggy

I have to chime in on this one. I'm very familiar with Bunny's suggested website (flylady.net). I have been an active member of www.messies.com for a number of years and have almost every single book written by Sandra Felton, and by others. I used to be very, very messy and still have to work very hard at being organized and decluttering my home and office, but these organizations, books and tips they recommend have helped a lot. If you came over right now, it is a mess because of the construction going on, and things are piled in one room or another because of emptying other rooms to be worked on. It is very messy and very dirty, but I wouldn't care if anyone saw it because I think they would understand the reason for the messes. At first, I was going home every night and trying to clean up the dust, drywall dust and sawdust everywhere, but finally gave up and have decided to just give everything a thorough cleaning when they are finished. I love this subject because I have worked so hard at overcoming being a "messy". I even led a messies' group for a while. It was a lot of fun! Love to all, Peggy