stand4hope

Dear Gay, I am so sorry for your loss. Having experienced this great loss so recently myself, my heart is heavy knowing how you are feeling right now. I want you to know that I was also one of the ones that Dean wrote to in a PM and he helped me so much to understand the way my husband dealt with having cancer. He will be greatly missed by all of us. May God bless you with His comfort. Love, Peggy

Dear Jana, I can relate to your post. My Don was the same way. He just knew he was going to beat back the cancer for a long time and fully intended to hold out until they found something else to beat it back some more. Also, relating to your Mum's piano music a little, Don left me a voice mail message when he was in the hospital. We use SBC voice mail, and I plan to save it every two weeks or so, so I can always hear and remember what his voice sounds like, much like you can listen to the piano music and see and visualize your Mum playing it. I'm sending all my love to you and Karen and all your family. Love, Peggy

Oh, Beth, I know how upset you are. Listen carefully: If I have any regrets at all about Don it would be that I didn't tell the onc the Friday Don got the 3rd Alimta that Don was having trouble breathing when he exerted himself. I know Don would have gotten very angry, and I know he would have insisted it was just because he was worn out. I know that he and the onc would have still decided to give the chemo because they wouldn't have had a clue it was causing the problem, but I still regret that I didn't speak up. Those swollen areas Bill has are not normal, and they should at least be reported to the onc. I doubt that even the onc would have him go to ER, but he would at least want to know and check it out. I realize more than you know how hard it is to try to push Bill to let you call. If he just flat insists that you don't, then I guess you have to respect his wishes. Even though I said above that I regretted that I didn't speak up, given the same circumstances and Don's personality, unless I knew ahead of time what I know now, I probably still wouldn't have done it. I know that all I have done is confuse you more, but I guess what I'm trying to say is just do what you can to convince Bill to let you call the onc, and if he just flat refuses, then depending on Bill's personality and your relationship with him, you will just have to decide whether to ignore his request or respect it. Tough decision, kiddo. Good luck. I'll say a special prayer for you guys tonight. Love you! Peggy

I've been so worried about Fay. Nancy, thank you so much for this post. Fay, get well soon and get back here as soon as you can. Love, Peggy

Bless your heart, Nancy. I'm right there with you. Our 38th anniversary would have been this Thursday, and then come the holidays. I'm planning to do things just like usual over the holdays - have all our family in and cook big meals and eat too much food. I'm not sure how I'll handle Thursday, but somehow, I'll get through it. I'm so glad you had so much fun on your trip. Try to do it more often - I'm sure your family will enjoy it, too. Love, Peggy

Dear Jamie, I remember you well, and I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my husband last month, also not caused by his lung cancer. It was caused by a rare reaction to chemo. It is very hard to understand and it seems so unfair after they fight so hard to beat the cancer, but I have a certain amount of peace knowing that he did not have to suffer like so many others with lung cancer have had to suffer. I hope you can also grasp that blessing in your heart and trust that God knows what he is doing. All my love and prayers to you and your family, Peggy

Hi everybody, It's one month today since I lost my love. It's still hard for me to believe that he is gone and that I will never see him or talk to him again. I am doing pretty good, though. It seems I can go for a couple of days and be fine, but then it all comes crashing down on me like a heavy dark cloud. I am going back to see my counselor in a couple of weeks. I am so afraid of becoming depressed, and I want to do everything I can to not let that happen. I had a couple of days last week where I was having thoughts like "nothing matters", "why bother", and "I don't care about anything." I clearly recognized those thoughts as the predecessors to depression, and I just don't want that to happen, so I am going to fight it off with everything I've got and use every available tool to prevent it. I was able to shake that off and have had a good holiday weekend, but very busy. I've been doing some major cleanup around the house, been out to eat with my sister, and spent some money shopping for things for the house. I've enjoyed those things, and am having brunch at 11:00 today with my sister, neice and her two kids. Mike is doing fair. In some ways, he's ok and in others he's not. I bought him a used Harley from his dad's estate money, and he is enjoying that tremendously - and it's a lot less $$$ for gas. He is in the process of moving into an apartment with a friend this weekend, and I think that will help both of us. They haven't started the construction on my house yet. We're waiting on the county to get their butts out here and locate the septic tank. I have been really working hard at my job and that has also helped to keep my mind busy. I've got lots of projects on my to-do list that will keep me busy for months, as well as plans with family and friends. I actually have a new friend, too. She lives in a large house behind me with many acres of land. Her husband was killed in an airplane crash (his own plane), behind our house just on the other side of the interstate as he was coming in to land on their airstrip. Cindy was watching on their porch and saw him crash. I spent some time with her for a while after Skip died, but then we just haven't stayed in touch. She was here at the house after the funeral and has called me. We have cried together and now have something in common, so I think we will spend some time together getting out and doing some things. Well, that's all I can think of to tell you for now. I love you all, pray for you all, and care about you very much, even if I'm not posting very much. Love to all, Peggy

Thank you for this post, Cindy. Jamie, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts to lose a dad, and I am so sorry. Love, Peggy

Hi Cindi, Boy, it is wonderful to hear you sounding so chipper, especially after surgery. I'm so glad things went well. Love, Peggy

Dear Don and Lucie, I'm so sorry to hear this news, but I'm encouraged that the pain is getting better. That makes it sound like the chemo is working. That's what we want to hear! Take care and give Lucie a hug from me. Love, Peggy

I hope you get to feeling better soon, Jackie. Take care of yourself. Love, Peggy

Dear Fay, I pray that you will hear something soon about your aunt and uncle. Love, Peggy

My heart, my love and prayers go out for Dean and Gay. May God bless them both with His peace. Love, Peggy

If I visit a friend's office or a friend's home and they aren't there, sometimes I leave this little ditty: I was here and you were not. Now you are here and I am not. Love to all, Peggy

Dear Darlene, I suggest you have these documents drawn up by an attorney in your state. All state laws are different, and since you expect family problems, an attorney will help cover every detail. Also, the laws for witnessing and notarizing are different in every state, and some documents HAVE to be drawn up by an attorney. For example, in Indiana, Powers of Attorney and Deeds have to be prepared by an attorney. Also, in Indiana, you need a form appointing a health care representative to accompany a Living Will. Living Wills and Wills have to be executed in front of two witnesses, etc. Also some documents must be recorded by county recorders. It doesn't usually cost much to have this done, and it's worth it. Always keep several copies of the Living Will, Health Care Representative appointment, and Power of Attorney with you in your car. You never know when you will need them. I have a small briefcase in my car with copies of these documents for my family. I suggest executing two original Wills for both of you - one that the attorney can keep and one that you can keep in a safe deposit box, and of course several copies for you and anyone else that you want to have it - just in case something would happen to both of you at the same time. Best of luck, Love, Peggy

Dear Ginny, I can hardly believe it's been a year. I don't know what I would have done without you this past year. I remember when we talked on the phone and all the wonderful advice you gave me as I knew that eventually our day would come, too. So many times on the board you have adviced other grievers to stay busy. I will always remember that good advice and have already put it to work. It really does help a lot. After the dust settles around here, I don't intend to stop either, thanks to you! I've decided to pour myself back into my work, the way I did before Don was diagnosed. I plan to become more active with my church, including some Bible studies that I didn't join before because I didn't want to be away from Don. I've got friends and family all around and I plan to go out to eat with them more often. I have a huge kitchen, and now I'm building the sunroom, so I'm going to have them over for dinner often so I will still have somebody to cook for. I'm hoping to eventually visit my brother in California and my sister in Georgia so I can see their homes. I would also like to get on the road and meet some of you on this site, especially those that live so close to me. Ginny, your loss has been my gain. I hope no one takes that wrong. Similar to Beth, I was new on the site when Peg's Bill died. I was so grief stricken for Peg that I wanted to leave the site. I remember writing to Ry about it and she helped me through it. And then when Earl died, I thought THAT'S IT! I can't take this anymore, but again, I stuck around and gained so much from your words of wisdom and helpful posts. I know that you have gotten through this past year quite graciously, but I also know from our conversations and PMs that there have been times when you haven't done so well, and it has been very hard for you. I am so sorry you lost the love of your life, and I'm sorry I lost mine, too. I'm sorry for everyone on this site that has lost people they loved so much, and I am also sorry for anyone that has lost someone from any disease or accident. Our pastor said something at Don's service that several people have told me had a huge impact on them. He said that he looked around and saw so many tears for Don, but he wanted us to know that every one of us sitting in our chairs were dying, and Don was the one that was living. I hope this helps others, too. Love, Peggy

I signed. Peggy

Hi Beth, I've been following all the updates about you, even though this is the first I've responded. You take care of yourself, honey, and come back when you feel up to it. You have my love and prayers, Peggy

Beth, Don got his Alimta through an IV drip. It took longer to find a vein and get the IV started than it took for the infusion. They gave fluids with it also. The infusion only takes about 10 minutes, but he was also getting Zometa, so it took a little longer. We usually there for about an hour. Don didn't get any anti-nausea meds with Alimta, he just took Decadron the day before, the day of, and the day after (8 mg.). That will be a lot better than 5 hours! Love, Peggy

"Content" and "Peaceful" - how wonderful is that? God bless you, Dean, and you, too, Gay! Love, Peggy

YOU SURE DO! Peggy

Dear Fay, You have been through such an ordeal, and just so many in your young life, it's hard to understand where you get your drive and fighting spirit. You are such an inspiration to everyone. Please get well soon and get home to your family, and also your LCSC family. Love, Peggy

Hello everybody, From some of your PMs, some of you thought maybe I was going to leave the board because of Don's death. I don't plan to do that, at least not for a while. I probably won't be as active as I used to - it just all feels so different now. I'm doing pretty good. I've had several meltdowns, and in fact, our dear Snowflake helped me through one just two nights ago. I've been keeping very busy, so that has helped a lot. There's a lot of paperwork and things to do. I'm also going back to work Monday, so I think that will help, too. I'm pampering myself with some major construction to our home. I'm most excited about a sunroom that I'm adding, and I bought the furniture for it today. Don wanted to do that, but he wanted to build it himself. He just never got well enough to do it. I'm not planning to leave our home. We have two adorable dogs that we both loved so much. I've had enough loss this past year, and I'm not going to lose my dogs, too - so we are staying! I thought I'd share with you the letter our pastor read for me at Don's funeral. It will give you some insight into the kind of man he was. It's pretty long, so if you don't read it, that's ok. I just wanted to share it. I have also copied the one that Mike wrote that our pastor also read. I will copy them below my signature. Thank you for all the many, many PMs, the cards, the donations to LCSC, but mostly for your love and devotion to all the members on this site. There just aren't very many people in this world as great as all of you. Love to all, Peggy Here's are letters: Mike's letter: My dad wanted the best for me. I let him down many times. The last couple of years, he was not only my dad – we became friends. He always told me I could do better and saw what I was capable of. I am going to step up to the plate and make him very proud of me. I had my dad’s initials tattooed on my back when he was diagnosed with cancer so that he would always be looking over my shoulder. After I had it done, he told me that now I was never going to get him off my back. I’m really going to miss my dad. Mike Peggy's letter: Thank you, Scott, Chris and Roberta. As I’m writing this, I haven’t yet heard what you said about Don, but I’m sure it was good and made us laugh and cry, too. Don frequently talked about you guys and so many of his friends at work. He shared a lot of funny stories, sad stories, and also would tell me whose butt he kicked on occasion. Many times Don would tell me what he said in management meetings, and my mouth would drop open wondering if we were going to be on the soup line the following week. Then, once a year, he would tell me he got “outstandings” and the most excellent marks at review time. I would shake my head in amazement. We were so different. He would confront anybody regardless of rank or title and never bat an eye, while I go to great lengths to avoid any kind of confrontation. For 37 years, I would calm him down, and he would encourage me to speak up. Don didn’t talk a lot, but when he did, he made sure that we all heard him. We definitely complemented each other. Opposites really do attract. I’m writing this prior to this service, but I’m betting there aren’t very many dry eyes in this room. How can we not cry? On August 5, 2005, Mike lost his dad and I lost the only man I ever loved. Don’s family and my family lost the man who was always there to help each one of them through many crises in their lives. Many of you lost one of the best friends you ever had. He loved us. He loved you. If you are in this room, even if I don’t know you, I want you to know that I love you, too. I can’t add much to everything that has already been said. I know that Don’s death happening because of a rare drug reaction is hard for us to accept, but I can assure you that it was all according to God’s plan. You see, Don was not a good patient. He was a bad patient. He didn’t have time to be sick and he wasn’t about to take time to be sick. How many times did you hear him say he didn’t have time for this? He didn’t want to hear any of the details of his disease. He only wanted to know where he had to be for treatment, what he had to do to prepare, and what time he had to be there. He put it on his calendar and worked it into his schedule as if it was a routine meeting of the day. So for Don, becoming an invalid from his disease, although inevitable, was not an option. It just wasn’t going to happen. God knew that. God knew Don better than you or me, and loves him even more than we did. I believe that God knew that he had to take Don by surprise. There was no other way. For the past thirty-seven years, Don took care of me. He took care of my every need and anticipated those needs before they happened. Even though I was never allowed to hover over him when he was sick, he certainly hovered over me every time I was sick. Through every surgery and every illness, he was there for me – and then some. The same is true for Mike. Nothing was more important to him than his family. Over the years, he could always be depended on to help my family through troubling times, his family, and many of you sitting in this room. I know that he was there for you when you were sick, needed help, or lost your loved ones. He was also there to celebrate your victories and share your sad times. Don and I were married in 1967; I was 18 and he was 19. They said we were too young, we didn’t have enough money, and that it wouldn’t last. In the 70s, there was a weekly television show that we watched every single week. We loved the show and we loved the theme song. We frequently sang one short line of the chorus to each other. Most of you in this room will remember this show when you hear this song. It’s true that we were too young, and it’s true that we didn’t have enough money, but thank God they were wrong when they said it wouldn’t last. I’d like to share that song with you now. (Song: I Got You Babe by Sonny & Cher)

Nancy, I had hoped I would never know how you feel, but I do, at least in the early stages now. I've been trying to read posts every day, and there have just been so many that I haven't even felt like starting to try to catch up, plus I've been terribly busy with paperwork and all. It's all starting to slow down now, and I'm finding myself alone with my thoughts more often. When I read your post tonight, I had to grab my chest and take several deep breaths because I felt like I was going to die - it just took my breath away - the depth of the losses and the sadness is just overwhelming to me right now. It's especially hard for the bad news posts. I love everyone here so much, and I don't feel like I have anything to offer anymore. Every time I try to type something, I just start crying, and I just delete my words. I want you and everyone else to know that just because I haven't yet been able to post or talk about this, you are all in my thoughts and prayers every single day. I weep for people like Pat & Brian, Joyce and Steve, Tina and Charlie, Fay A., Dean Carl, Cindi, Addie, SBeth, Justakid, Frank, TAnn, Sue & Mike, Andrea, Don & Lucie, etc. I pray for all of you that I know so well that you or your loved one are NED or in remission, or stable - Snowflake, Maryanne, Connie B, Cindy RN, Kasey etc. And I pray for all of you who are fighting so hard to fight back this disease, and all the new people, and everyone waiting for tests or test results. I just can't think of all the names or list them here - but every last one of you are in my thoughts and prayers every single day. Nancy and Ann and Ginny and Lynne and Margaret, and all of you that have been through this, I just don't know how you do it. There was just supposed to be more time . . . . Love to all, Peggy

I always thought I would die before Don. I always thought he would be the one to take care of me . . . .