stand4hope

Dear Sue, I didn't know whether to post here or on Katie's thread. I so much understand what you are feeling. I went through my first Christmas last year, but I swear I don't remember feeling as despondent and depressed as I have this year. I guess last year I was still numb. I am truly normally the most bubbling happy Christmas idiot on earth, but I can tell you that I hated EVERYTHING about Christmas this year. I hated the music, the lights, the sounds, the movies, the stores, the TV ads, even going to church. I just hated all of it. I had to force myself to put up decorations this year, and as I was preparing my Christmas meal for my family today, I wept almost continually and resented that I was having to do any of it. I always play Christmas CDs. As I was peeling potatoes, "I'll have a Blue Christmas without you" drove me to the stereo where I angrily shut it off and unplugged it. I have never been a despondent person, but I can tell you I was oozing with despondence and the paralyzing pain you describe. I didn't want to see any of my family, I didn't care about Christmas, I didn't care about any of it. I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to just crawl in bed and wake up in the spring. My sister came early to help, and I think she sensed my sadness. We cried together - she understands. Remarkably, and also by the grace of God, I actually enjoyed myself tonight - A LOT! We had a great time togther and after everyone left, for some reason I felt a lift in my spirit. I knew I was going to be ok, and that Mike is going to be ok. I knew that God is alive and He is giving me exactly what I need when I need it. I realized that this past month was just another phase in this horrible experience called grief. Tonight, I will close my eyes and for the first time all month truly feel like saying, "Merry Christmas, Everybody" and "Happy Birthday, dear Jesus!" Sue, you wrote this post this morning. It's now almost midnight. I pray that by now, or sometime tomorrow, that the same thing that happened to me tonight, and to Katie, will grip you and give you reasons to know that everything is going to be ok. God is with you - He really is! No matter what your test results are, he really and truly is with you. If He can pull me out of where I was, He can pull you out of it, too! Merry Christmas, Sue, and all my love, Peggy

Oh, Frank, thank you, thank you, thank you! I immediately saw in my mind Don on his bike giving that sign, and I think it was a sign for both of us. Love, Peggy

Yes, Jackie, yes! Love, Peggy

Well, we've heard from Val, Ann, Beth, Pat, Adela and some of us other veteran LCSC grievers, so I guess it's my turn! THIS SUCKS!!! Love, Peggy

It's ok, honey. I know it will be hard to get used to, but he won't be alone now - that's a good thing. It's the pits to be alone....I know. Just last week my son asked me, very timidly, if I would ever date. I told him at this moment, I have absolutely no interest, but I am smart enough to know to never say never. With tongue in cheek, he told me it would be ok with him because he thinks it would be good for me to have a companion. Then, he immediately made a mad face and said, but he better never live here! He said he would rather die than see another man use his dad's tools, touch his dad's tractor, or sleep in his dad's bed - with me. His anger escalated with each thought as it popped into his head. The timidity about the subject quickly turned into a ranting rage about the whole issue. I had to tell him to "Jump back, Jack! Settle down! Do you see a man here?" Holy cripes! I get it, Val! Love, Peggy

Hello, Adela. This time of year is just so hard . . . . I have always been the Christmas nut-head. Don was a bit of a bah-humbug, or at least he pretended to be so. He loved buying gifts, though, for both me and our son. He always bought early. He always had them wrapped and hidden away somewhere. I never found them ahead of time, but I never looked. I always had Christmas CDs playing, sang out loud and just about drove him crazy with my festive mood. I'd tell him to "Get in the spirit of things." He said he didn't need to have the spirit because I had enough for both of us. Looking back, I see now that it was always part of the "game". It was the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to sing Jingle Bell Rock, he was supposed to roll his eyes, I was supposed to then get even more silly, dance and shake my butt, then he was supposed to finally grin and say, "Be careful or you're going to break something!" It was such a fun game. He always put up the tree and strung the lights and I would do the rest. I did it by myself last year and this year. Last year, I was totally numb and don't remember much. This year, I went into meltdown once I got all the branches inserted, and before any lights were added. Everything is just so different now . . . . . Love, hugs and Merry Christmas to you, Adela! Peggy

A great big hug to you, my friend. That's the only thing I have to give. Just one great big giant hug! Love, Peggy

((((((((((((((ANN))))))))))))) Four years! I bet it still seems like last week. I know it does to me. Merry Christmas, Ann! Love you! Peggy

And, P.S., Nick: No, it does not scare the beegeevess out of me! I don't worry about it or dream about it. Because of my faith, I couldn't possibly fear something that promises me freedom from pain and tears for eternity. "Believe" does not say, believe and be afraid. I love the expression to "Prepare for the worst, but expect the best!" I also love the expression, "It is what it is." In this life, yes, I'm tired of crying and tired of worrying about those I love, but I want to live. I want to live to love the living and let the living love me for as long as God allows. I'm more aware of my mortality, but fear it? No way! Love, Peggy

You bet! It didn't take my parents' deaths, or my in-laws, grandparents, friends, or even an infant baby. Most of those deaths were predicted. All were in poor health, and there was plenty of warning about each of them. Even though they were all sad for me, it was just a matter of time. What woke me up was the death of my Don. To watch not only a healthy man, but a physically very strong, mentally strong, active, never sick man die from a disease that was never expected, predicted or even in any of our thoughts - WOKE ME UP! For 38 years, I was the one that had all the health problems, and he was the one that was always taking me for this surgery, that treatment, this test, etc. I think we both knew that I would be the first one to go. HA! Little do we mortals know. How arrogant we are to think that we can know anything about life or death. Sure, we can do things to increase our chances of living a longer life, but there are still no guarantees. I doubt that the people that recently ate spinach and died ever dreamed they would die in such a way. The one thing, and it was on this website, that made me realize what you are saying, Nick, were the words, "We are all terminal." It put Don's disease in perspective for me. It took away the "Why?" questions. Those words didn't help the pain, or the surprise, but they made me realize that for any of us, it can come at any time, on any day, and without warning. Yes, I am very much more aware of my own mortality and find myself thinking and planning for the day my family and friends will say good-bye to me. I cherish their love, their smiles, and take every opportunity I can to tell them how much I care and how much I love them. Especially the younger ones - my son, my nieces and nephews, etc. Don loved our son, cousins, nieces and nephews and they knew it. I was actually blessed by their tremendous grief for him. What a legacy he left for them to remember him by. I was especially touched by a cousin of Don's who is probably about 40 years old. He was a baby when we were married and we used to baby sit him once in a while. To see this grown man weep uncontrollably after the funeral really touched me deeply. His own mother, Don's aunt, tried to comfort this man while her own grief was painfully obvious. So, what's the good in that? The good is that life is all about people - nothing else. The only thing that matters is your love and showing it to others. I hope and pray that when I go, which I now know can happen at any time, that I will have done a good job of loving my family and friends. I pray that some part of me will have impacted them in a positive way. To all you mortals, I say: I love you! Love, Peggy

((((((((((((BETH)))))))))))))) I think you know how big that hug really is. All my love is sent your way. I wish a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Love, Peggy

Ellie, I feel your pain in your words. I am so, so sorry and can tell this is a huge loss for you. Ellie, don't try to be strong. Just be there and let your emotions do what they will - holding back is unhealthy. Just let it flow and hug the ones that feel your same pain. Nobody is really strong at a time like this. We just go through the motions, and get through it the best we can. God bless you for your intense love for your sister, and may He also bless you with His comfort. Love, Peggy

Oh, Trish, I am so sorry to hear about your dad, and what trauma you have been through recently with Jeffrey, too. Thank you for stopping by and giving us an update. God bless you! Peggy

Dear Kim, Like everyone else, I was stunned to read of so much great loss in such a short time, and that you have also had to deal with the death of your husband. Wow! I hardly even know what to say. Your pain must be incredible, and I pray that God blesses you with his love and peace. Love, Peggy

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 2 Peter 3:8 ..... so, LCSC doesn't have enough disc storage space to define my day. One thing for sure, once I get there, it would take every angel in Heaven to physically force me to come back. Love, Peggy

Oh, yes, Maryanne. I forgot about the fever. Don had a fever, too, with Taxotere. It lasted for several weeks. It was 100-101. They even put him in the hospital for several days, did blood cultures, etc. and never could figure it out. This happened at the same time he was getting lung radiation, too, so maybe it was the combination. After about 5 days after he was out of the hospital, the fever just suddenly stopped. Mostly what I remember from the Taxotere/Carbo cocktail and lung radiation at the same time is that after 3 weeks, Don was knocked on his butt with the fever and fatigue and it took him two months and a low-dose Decadron boost to get him back to normal. He did ok with Gemzar/Navelbine, Iressa, Tarceva, and he actually handled Alimta well except for the bad reaction he had. I just strongly recall that Taxotere for Don was a hard one, too. I think that Taxotere (for NSCLC) and Cisplatin (for SCLC) are the toughest chemos, tried and true, but they can also smack hard. Hang in there! Love, Peggy

My friend, you are incredibly brave to even do this. Charlie would be so proud of you, as am I. Much love, Peggy

Hi Maryanne, Don had Taxotere, and on the 3rd infusion and 4th had terrible allergic reaction immediately, and also had neuropathy, but no pain like you are describing in Joel's hip. Did his PET last month show anything in his hip? Did you see the report? If that's what it is, those bone mets can get excruciatingly painful. Other than that, I don't recall anyone here having that kind of pain with Taxotere - just fatigue, neuropathy, etc. Let us know what you find out. Love, Peggy

I had to jump in on this one because I took Accutane about 17 years ago at age 40 for severe adult acne. I had extremely oily skin and enormous deep and painful lesions on my face. The Accutane effects, however, are intended to be permanent - permanently get rid of the acne problem. In my case, it was good because it reduced the function of my oil glands about 75% permanently. I still have slightly oily skin but nothing like it was. I think anyone using this needs to proceed with extreme caution. The reason there was so much paperwork is because it is an incredibly powerful drug with more side effects than you can even imagine. You have to have a really severe acne problem and be darned determined to end it once and for all before you take it. It is recommended for six months for acne if tolerated, but I only lasted four before I just couldn't stand it anymore. It dried out my eyes so bad that it was affecting my vision. I also got severe hot spots all over my body that looked kind of like bruises, only they were firey red and burned horribly. I had to reduce the dose because it got so bad on my ankles that I could hardly walk. At the time when I took, it wasn't recommended for teenagers at all unless it was the most severe kind of acne and the teen could be completely monitored regarding sexual activity. The doctor that prescribed it said that people who take it and stick with it are the most determined people he's known. It dries your skin on your whole body, can cause your lips to swell, crack and bleed. He said he even had one man whose rectum was an absolute dried up, cracked and bleeding mess, but the man still would not stop taking it until he went the full six months. Sorry to make this sound scary, but it truly is a drug to take with great caution. If you are physically able to become pregnant they require two methods of birth control so you will not become pregnant - or at least they used to. I'm sure it can be given in dosages that might cause less side effects, but please be careful with this one and if your rash is tolerable, like Don's was, I don't think you should even consider this drug. Just talk to your dermatologist about it in depth. Love to all, Peggy

Dear Mitzu, yes I can identify - I had seven. It will be ok. It happens for a reason. Take care of yourself, keep your chin up, and look forward to the one that will come later and be healthy and beautiful! Love, Peggy

I'm so sorry! My condolences to you and your family. God bless you! Love, Peggy

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. May God bless you with His peace. Love, Peggy

Ginny, This is the best news!! Love, Peggy

My dear friend, Pat, I, too, really get it. I really do get all of it from the tools, to the big house, to a sick son. I don't want to take care of all those things by myself. I need my Don to be here, to take over, to be the strong one, and to be the one in control. Sometimes I even find myself getting mad at him for leaving me here all alone to deal with all these problems. That feeling passes quickly, but the problems and the loneliness remain. Like Sue, I'm not much comfort, either, but please know that you are not alone. I just try to cope the best I can. I find release in helping someone else through something they are dealing with anytime I can - other than death of a spouse because I'm not too good at that one yet myself. Maybe you can find some outlet like that, too. There are plenty of people out there that need your ears, your wisdom and years of experience coping with all of life's blows that are inevitable. I believe we're put on this earth to serve, Pat, and we only find real happiness when we are serving others. The pain we are feeling, Pat, is unlike any other pain we've ever had in our lives. The only way I've found to escape it, so far, is by keeping busy and trying to focus on helping someone else. If I succeed in helping only one person, then I feel like God has left me here on this earth because He needs me here. I pray that you, too, will find such an outlet. You have so much to give - you gave to all of us time and time and time again here on this board. Giving is what you are all about. That's what Brian was all about, too. I pray that you will find love again, Pat. I'm not talking about the love that you and Brian had. I'm talking about love in general: love for life and love for others. There is sunshine coming to us through the dark clouds, but we can only find it when we look up and seek it. Look up, honey, and keep looking up. If you will, I will. Love and hugs, Peggy

Oh my gosh, Beth. We already talked about this, but you didn't tell me about the semi. I almost couldn't breathe reading that and the tears began to make their relentless appearance at the same time. I felt it. It scared me. I felt the panic, the fear - all of it. I also understood your reason for wanting to do that, and that scared me, too. It's just so hard. My heart was pounding just thinking of it. I'm still trembling. I don't know the solutions for our grief - except Ginny's continual reminder to all of us to keep busy, and also we need to talk to others about how we feel. Those two things are working for me right now, or at least helping a lot. I really liked what Karen said: Dear God, THANK YOU for sending that bus!!! Love, Peggy