jean

I enjoyed the Barbara Walters special although I did fall asleep occasionally. I did identify with the older lady that said she wouldn't marry and that her dead husband was the only one for her. I, too, will never marry. I know it with all my heart.I still wear my wedding ring and I had John's wedding ring made smaller for my right hand and I will wear them til I die. He was my only love and I am still in love with him.I lost John, 53, on 9/30/04 and I miss him so. I am really struggling this time of year and can't wait for the holidays to be over. Carolyn

Lynne, What a beautiful poem! I lost my husband on 9/30/04. He was only 53. I have a hard time cooking anything because it makes me think where is John? I have a 15 year old daughter here at home though so I have too. But I loved cooking for him although last September I couldn't because John was having a hard time swallowing. Cancer seemed to take everything from him. His ability to walk, talk, eat and finally to breathe. I too remember his last days so well. We were here at home which I am glad of. But the cancer never took the love he feels for me. It is still here in my soul. Thank you. Carolyn

Nancy, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away 9/30/04 at the age of 53 also. His cancer history is very similar to Mikes. His cancer first showed up in his neck and was already in his brain. His legs swelled up near the end and he also passed away in his recliner. He lived 17 months from diagnosis and he tried everything from chemo, surgery and radiation. Please take care of yourself as it is all very exhausting grieving. I still get so very exhausted but I do have some better days. We were married for 24 years so it is so hard to live on without someone you are so used to having here. But know that Mike is not suffering anymore and that his love lives on in you. Carolyn

I look forward to going to sleep at night. I am away from thinking of my husband John and that I will never see him again. Its been 6 months and even though I don't cry as much the pain is still so very intense. The memories of him losing so much to lung cancer is still so vivid to me. I wish I could remember him when he was well. I know his love is still with me though and I hang onto that. Thanks for listening. Carolyn

My daughter told me that Jamie Foxx's speech was the best. I wanted to stay up to hear it but I missed it. We lost my husband and her father in Sept. 2004 and so I think we both hope for dreams of John. We both share our dreams with each other if we have any. My daughter is 14 and she had quite a few right away after his death but now not so many. But last night I did have a vague one of holding John's hand and being very open of my feelings for him in public which we didnt do. I feel kind of bad about that too even though we just didnt display our emotions in public. But it sure felt good to kiss him on the cheek and hold his hand. I look forward to sleep to dream and talk to John too. I am going to try to find Jamie Foxx's speech somewhere on the Internet. Thanks for sharing. Carolyn

It has been 15 weeks yesterday @ 7 PM since I lost my husband. I still cry every day and I am not a crier. I find myself falling into the bitter, self pity person category lately. It seems every other person has cancer. We would all have long lives if not for cancer. I just go about my business of living and try to keep busy and am always reading. I feel very hollow. He just knew me sooo well. I will never have that again. I find I need more rest so I can deal with the sadness. I have to keep strong for our kids. I cannot look ahead at all and we used to like looking forward to things. Well, I am getting his ring resized today so I can wear it on my right hand. I feel like I am going to lose it on this chain I wear. I do find myself enjoying the little, simple things more. Like the sunrise and sunsets which I take the time to sit and watch. Or getting home at night and settling in to watch the news. We have to enjoy each and every minute because who knows about tomorrow?

I am so sorry Margaret. You are in my thoughts . Carolyn

I just got this book today. It is very good! Thanks for recommending it. Carolyn

My husband died 9-30-2004 at age 53. He was an avid reader as I am. I am donating money to have his name put on a gold plaque in memory of at our local library and also the money will go towards books of my choosing for my husband John. I have selected "Origins; fourteen billion years of cosmic evolution" as one book as John had taped the two part Nova on public tv but never got to watch it. I am still selecting the other titles. Carolyn

I lost my husband on 9-30-2004 to NSCLC at age 53. I, too think of him at bedtime and upon waking. Also, I think of him always while driving by myself. And that is when I cry and cry. Carolyn

I too am really glad the holidays are over. It was exhausting. New Years was worse that I thought and John and I never did much either and were asleep when the New Year came in. I feel as thought I have taken many steps backward and I am ready for a regular schedule of work everyday. I still can't talk of my husband without crying and I wish I could talk to our children (ages 22, 19 and 14) more about how they are doing but I don't want to upset them. I don't cry in front of them but alone. My parents came for a visit yesterday and I had to ask them to leave because I didn't feel like visiting. Then, I felt bad that I had been rude. I just don't want to see anyone except our children. Carolyn

Dear Paddy, I feel the same way. I lost my husband on Sept. 30, 2004 to lung cancer. I thought I was doing better but over Christmas I took a downward dive. Its all the little things I miss sooo much. He remembered so much I don't. He finished my sentences. How can this be? Where is he? I was not blessed with a strong faith but I have to believe with such strong feelings from so deep within us that there has to be something more than just our earthly lives. Carolyn

I know what you mean Joni. I lost my husband to NSCL on Sept. 30 and I can't believe he wasnt here for Christmas. I got through it but barely. I put the presents under the tree for our 3 children but there didnt seem like there were that many. And, I then realized that John's werent there. Its all the little things that are just making me nauseated. We read the paper together, had coffee, watched the news, discussed our books we were reading. Just little things. I cant hardly grocery shop because he loved it. I cant seem to eat again. On xmas, I got upset when my brother wanted to take a family picture. I got through it but I almost had to run away in sobs. How could he think of such a thing now? I know its not his fault but... Anyway, I did suffer a major setback with these holidays. I need to get back to one day at a time. Carolyn

Your post was very touching. I recently lost my 53 year old husband John on Sept. 30, 2004 after 24 years of marriage. I think, for me, it has gotten worse than the initial sorrow. The grief comes from soo deep and I just have to sob to let it out each day on my way home from work. I really can only take one day at a time. To think ahead makes me ill. I know I will never love anyone again so the future is lonely. I do agree with you that our loved ones are within us intermingled with our world. I do things to make John proud of me. I do not have a strong faith so I do not know where John is. I do know with such strong feelings that I would hope that there would have to be more than just this life. And, that he is still here around me and that I hope to meet him again. My daughter who is 14 is my savior right now just by being here with me. Thanks for sharing. Carolyn

I lost my husband John, 53, on Sept. 30, 2004 after only 17 months of NSCLC Stage 4. I have not been posting much but only reading the posts. After reading all the posts from "sad day" I would also like to help somehow as you all have helped me by sharing your experiences of this horrendous experience. I too experience my grief in waves, some small some huge, and I let myself cry and cry and somehow it helps to relieve it. Each morning is the worst of the day as it is when I again realize that John is not here yet another day. But I do know that he still loves me so much. Just a week after his death I woke up in the middle of the and realized how much he loves me and somehow that helps. I know that we had something that a lot of people never have and I feel fortunate for that. We have 3 children, two in college and one here at home who is 14. She is so strong for me and I try to be that for her. She told me the other day that Dad wouldnt want us to be sad for Christmas and I know she is right but it is so very hard after 24 years of marriage. I do want to mention a site I came upon while reading AARP. The president of AARP recently lost her husband and recommended this site for grief: www.aarp.org/griefandloss Thank you everyone for sharing. Carolyn

I too lost my husband, John, on Sept. 30, 2004. It is so very hard. He was only 53. He had NSCLC that had spread to his brain, spine, and liver. He lived 17 months after diagnosis. We have 3 children. I am not even comforted by the fact that he is no longer suffering. I just miss so much the lives we had before the cancer. It will be and is a whole different life now. We were just so happy with each other and our children and really didn't have a lot of interests outside of our immediate family. I am trying to make him proud of me by trying to be strong and I tell the kids that too. And, I try to only take one day at a time and make it through each day. I do know that he loves me and the kids so very much and I still feel that love. The only relief I seem to get is to cry and let out the grief.