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Pamela

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Everything posted by Pamela

  1. Amy, I am so sorry. I remember how supportive you were of me when my father died three years ago August 18. It must be very hard for you as you celebrate a new daughter without the beaming support of your mom. My thoughts will be wih you. Pam
  2. Stephanie, What you are feeling is normal and understandable and familiar to me. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, you will adjust. You will still cry sometimes, and there will be times when fear will be so strong that you'll feel like you're choking on it. But you will do what needs to be done because you obviously love him so much. You don't have to fake happiness. Instead you can feel grateful for having your Dad right now, this moment, and this Christmas and push aside any thoughts of what comes next. I didn't think it was possible to live the battle one day at a time, but I became good at it because Dad needed me to be good at it. You will, too. My heart is with you. Pam
  3. I understand how shellshocked you feel. You're still grieving, and this feels like your mother's being replaced. My dad moved in with another woman 4 months after Mom died -- and they had been married for 47 years. He was just so lonely that he couldn't take it. He married the new woman almost a year to the date after Mom died. It was very, very difficult for us, but I believe his new wife saved his life because he was not taking care of himself and the stress was hard on him. As the years went by, he didn't forget Mom. He often spoke of her and grieved openly in front of his new wife. It became obvious that he still loved Mom, and I think that was a source of pain for the new wife. Maybe he's just trying to fill the hole left by your mother. And maybe not inviting you is a concession to the new wife . . . Pam
  4. Pamela

    Pet loss...

    I'm so sorry about your cat. I lost my dog almost exactly a year to the day after Dad died, and I still can't think about her without crying. I read "Marley & Me" over the weekend, and when I got to the part where he puts Marley to sleep, I sobbed for 30 minutes. My husband just held me and patted my back. I'm sorry you have to deal with this loss, too. Pam
  5. Pamela

    Fear

    I understand that. I recently had to have an emergency hysterectomy because I was losing a lot of blood and my uterus was growing so rapidly that it worried by gynecologist (the path report says it weighed 853 grams, normal size 60 grams). I was so scared it was cancer that my brothers flew in from Texas and Arkansas to be with me. I found out that it scared them, too. Luckily, no cancer, but I can't tell you the relief when I got the pathology report. On the positive side, it does make me pay closer attention and live healthier. Good luck with everything! Pam
  6. My Dad would have been overjoyed to see Mom again. I can see them dancing again the way they used to when we were kids. Mom is jitterbugging around the floor and Dad takes a break to play the harmonica, "The Love of God" or "On Top of Old Smoky." Dad spends many hours fishing and shooting the breeze with Mom's father, Shorty. By now he's found his beloved father and told him how much he missed him all these years. And I imagine he and his cousin Jeff are tearing up the racetracks with self-built cars. Mom and Dad are loving being with their grandson, Conan, who is finally able to see and speak and run like the other children. Mom has reunited with her parents and grandparents, completing the circle the way Great-Grandma wanted. And Mom, in true fashion, is making friends with everyone she meets. Finally, Mom and Dad are at peace in a place where they feel nothing but love. Pam
  7. Fay, Thank you for letting us be a part of this profound experience. Believe me, your attitude and perspective are a gift to your children. With kind thoughts and gratitude for the way you've touched my life, Pam
  8. Mike and Fay, I don't post often, but Fay has had a special place in my heart since I first found this group. Throughout my Dad's illness and death, I was inspired by Fay's grace, dignity, determination and nonjudgmental compassion. I recently had major surgery, and I thought of Fay and others like her who have endured so much with such wonderful attitudes. It made me way to be a stronger and better person. Mike, you are fortunate to have a mother with such outstanding qualities. I have a feeling her voice will be whispering wisdom in your ear for the rest of your life. Fay, things aren't going the way you envisioned, but I know you will find a way to do this in your own unique, gifted way. My love and prayers are with you all. Pam
  9. Such a tough decision. I was the only one of the kids or grandkids to see Dad in the casket. For me, it meant closure. It was a horrible experience because the man lying in the casket didn't look like the healthy, happy, strong man I had known all my life. The cancer battle had devastated him. Still, I needed to close that loop and say goodbye. On the other hand, my brothers have never regretted their decisions NOT to view Dad in the casket. I guess the question is: What do you need to do to get through this? Whatever that is, do it -- regardless of what other family members may think. My heart is with you. Pam
  10. Carleen, if it were me, I'd do it. Pregnancy can be tough, of course, but it's also a wonderful, exciting, breathtaking experience. It could be a source of joy and distraction for Keith. The wonder of feeling the baby move, seeing the sonogram, hearing the heartbeat, could add such joy and wonder at a time when fear threatens to overwhelm you. Of course, it could also be stressful for both of you, but I think you have some degree of choice about whether you allow it to be stressful. You'd have to be mentally disciplined to focus on the positive and not worry about whether Keith will be there to see the child go to kindergarten or graduate from high school. I think you'd have to savor each moment of the pregnancy and not think too far into the future. Just my opinion. As others have said, you're the only one who really knows. Pam
  11. Lori, I don't know specific laws in your state, but I believe your mother can sign a Medical Power of Attorney that gives you -- and only you -- the legal power to make medical decisions in the event your mother is unable to do so. Given your stepfather's attitude, it may be a good idea to do that NOW rather than wait. If there are brain mets, you never know if there may come a time when she will become too confused to sign such a document. My dad signed a Medical Power of Attorney that gave medical decisions to my brother rather than our stepmother. I can't tell you how grateful I am for that decision. Every family situation is different, but your stepfather sounds like he's ready for this to be over, and, frankly, that scares me. Hope I wasn't too blunt. You are in an incredibly difficult and stressful situation, and my heart goes out to you. Pam
  12. I've learned that kindness is a lot more important than being right or winning an argument. Pam
  13. I'm sorry for your pain. I don't want to sound glib or cynical, but you hurt because you love. The only way to prevent the horrible pain, anger and depression you're feeling now is to harden your heart and refuse to love, forget how to care, stop wanting to make things better for others. But you aren't capable of doing that, no matter how hard you might try. I have never met you and probably never will, but I respect you and admire you. Sometimes I ask the question, "What would the world be like if everyone was just like me?" In your case, if everyone in the world was like you, it would be a kinder, more loving, safer place despite cancer. If you weren't around, what would cancer have been like for your mother, your father, your father-in-law and your sister? Worse, much worse. Keep going, Shelly. You are a light in a dark place for people in this group, too. Kind thoughts, Pam
  14. As Sue said, medications can cause this, especially combinations of medications. Combining Decadron/Prednisone with morphine, Ativan, etc., can cause some really bizarre side effects. When Dad starting having problems like this, I called a pharmacist and went over the list of meds with him to see if he could tell me what might be causing it. That was very helpful. At this particular time, don't just assume this is disease progression. Take a hard look at the meds first. Kind thoughts, Pam
  15. Pamela

    A sad day

    Peggy, my brother called yesterday to tell me that he had sold Dad's boat. He was hurting badly over it and he said, "It's like I'm selling Dad off in pieces. Each thing that I see leave, it's like I'm losing Dad all over again." It's a hard thing that's happening to you and Mike. Nothing makes it better, does it? Kind thoughts, Pam
  16. I experienced this when my mother died and then again when Dad died. It's like you're given a few weeks to grieve and then you're expected to be over it. Get on with your life. Back to business. Dad died on August 18, 2004, and I was scheduled to go to a trade show in Los Angeles on August 25. I asked my bosses if I could skip the show, and they told me no. Their attitude was that the hospital visits, dying process, and funeral were over, so why wouldn't I be ready to glad-hand at a trade show? It didn't make me angry or anything like that. It made me sad that they didn't comprehend the depth of my loss. I went to the show and acted like everything was fine. But I cried myself to sleep in my hotel room every night. My guess is that people don't want to be reminded that all of us will die and most of us will lose loved ones before we die. So when they talk to someone who has lost someone very close, they don't want to think about it. Isn't it great to be able to come here and have people understand? Kind thoughts, Pam
  17. I'm sorry. The next few weeks and months will be new territory for you as you adjust to life without your mother. One thing I've learned is that when the stark, cutting pain of grief begins to subside, you will realize that your mother is a part of you that you can never lose. My heart is with you. Pam
  18. I agree with Don. My daughter was born very strong-willed, independent, and appeared to the world to be full of self confidence. Then she started dating a guy who absolutely controlled her every movement and physically abusing her (we found out later). She still has back problems from him slamming her on a concrete garage floor. When we were finally able to get her out of it, my daughter went through a process of asking herself the question Don asked. Why did she allow herself to be treated that way? What emerged was that on some level she thought she deserved it. It stunned me to learn that she didn't see herself as the beautiful, talented, bubbling, wonderful girl that I saw. Perhaps your daughters' real father has had more impact on their self-esteem than you realize. I read somewhere that a daughter's relationship with men is a direct result of her relationship with her father. If her father rejected her (even if it's by his absence or lack of involvement in her life), she will subconsciously look for a man like him to try again to "earn" her father's love. From what I've read, a father influences his children whether or not he is actually in their lives. Sad, huh? Good luck. I've spent many sleepless nights with that hard knot in my stomach, worrying myself sick about my kids. (And I probably have more of those nights ahead of me.) Pam
  19. Yes, confusion can be a side effect of Ativan. Also, be careful with drug interactions with Ativan and other medications. If she is also taking Decadron or Ambien or an antidepressant, there can be serious side effects from the combination. If you have questions, please call her doctor. Good luck and let us know what happens. Pam
  20. Val, I know what you mean. I've always been a little confused about why some people need to compare levels of pain or grief. It's hard to compare losses because each type of loss is completely individual. For instance, when my mother died, all four of her children grieved and suffered. I still miss her 12 years later, and sometimes I still cry when my granddaughter says something or does something that I wish I could share with Mom or when my son graduated from college. For my little brother, however, the loss was even deeper. She was the one person who loved him and would stand by him no matter what, and it was a huge loss for him. I would have to say that losing Mom was much harder for him than me. Does acknowledging that make it easier for me or for him? Nope. We still feel what we feel. On the other hand, I remember when my husband's grandfather died. His wife of 65 years didn't appear to suffer at all. In fact, she seemed relieved that he was gone because he had been so overbearing for 65 years. I'm certainly not going to judge her response or resent that she didn't appear to feel much pain or grief. It was her loss to feel or not feel. I recently had to have my dog put to sleep. She had cancer of the spleen. That dog was a big part of my life for 10 years. For 4 months I prepared a special diet for her, sat up with her at night when she couldn't sleep, cleaned up vomit and diarrhea, and agonized over the decision about when it was time to let her go. I have not discussed that with most of the people around me because I know that they do not understand the pain of losing my friend. I know that they think I'm silly for caring so much about an animal. They dismiss my pain, and I accept it because I know they just don't get it. Would I compare the loss of my dog to the loss of my Dad? Why would I? By saying that the loss of my Dad was worse, does it make the pain of losing my dog go away or make me feel silly for grieving a dog? Nope. It still hurts. Pain is pain. Grief is grief. I don't feel the need to defend or justify or compare the pain I feel at the loss of my Mom or Dad. The loss of my Mom was completely different from the loss of my Dad. The loss of my dog was in a totally different category. It's like comparing apples and oranges and kumquats. What's the point? If I live long enough, I will experience more losses, and each loss will have its own place in my heart and life, in the same way that each relationship had its own place in my heart. I'm glad you posted this. The truth is that you are forever changed by your mother's death. It is a uniquely significant event because your mother was unique and your relationship with her was unique. One more story. A few years ago my Dad recounted the story of being 12 years old and his father dying. It had been 60 years, but my Dad literally sobbed when he talked about it. When he talked about his dad, it was clear that he still missed him. Just my thoughts. If anything offended anyone, it was purely unintentional. Pam
  21. If anyone is sensitive about discussing the dying process, please do not read this. My heart goes out to you. I remember feeling the same way with my father. None of the tests showed any tumor growth or progression, yet he kept declining despite all our efforts. We kept asking for more tests. We wanted the doctors to tell us exactly what was happening in Dad's body so we could understand. We still don't know what that caused him to die. Was it the brain tumor -- which all reports said was shrinking? Was it the lung -- that was stable with no growth and no new lesians? Was it the tumor on his spine -- that was shrinking? What organ or organs finally just quit? Why did they stop working? When Peter Jennings was diagnosed with lung cancer, Larry King did a segment on it. The quote that interested me most was this one: "KING: Dr. Natale, without being crass, what kills you? What happens from cancer that causes death? NATALE: We actually don't know, Larry. Many patients with lung cancer, when they die, they have healthy-appearing lungs, or adequate amount of lungs, or their heart or other organs are still functioning pretty normally. Somehow, the total tumor mass in the body gets to a point where the body begins to shut itself down." I'm not trying to be graphic or quell your hope. Whatever it was that took our Dad, we felt powerless to stop it. It was a terrible moment when we realized that the doctors had nothing left to offer. Calling in hospice was an excruciating decision because we wanted to be Dad's valiant warriors, fighting for him every step of the way. We finally realized that we could still fight for him, but the battle objective had changed. We could no longer fight for long-term survival. We had to fight for his quality of life, for his comfort, for his peace of mind. I hope your mother finds peace and comfort and I hope that she feels profoundly the love that you have for her. Pam
  22. Kim -- Another thing I meant to add. Be glad that your Dad is giving you access to your mother's things in this way instead of just giving them to the new wife. Trust me, that would be even more hurtful. Pam
  23. I know exactly how you feel. When Mom died after 46 years of marriage, Dad almost immediately started dating and married again less than a year later. He didn't remove all traces of Mom from the house, but we suddenly had to treat our childhood home very differently, more like visitors than family. I've had friends whose fathers have done much the same thing. I think that men who have been well cared for by loving wives are totally lost when their wives die. In general, women grieve very differently than men. I would bet that your Dad is still grieving for your mother, even though he is moving on with a new relationship. Maybe it feels strange for him to see another woman using your mother's things? He could possibly feel like that is an invasion of your mother's space, in a way. I know this is really tough for you, and I don't think your feelings are selfish at all. It's just another part of the grieving and loss. What was really strange for my brothers and me was when Dad died and suddenly someone else had possession of all the things that our Dad and Mom worked hard for 46 years to earn. Dad left it all to us, but our stepmother was outraged about it. But that's a different story. Pam
  24. I've been thinking a lot lately about lung cancer research funding. I would like to ask a few questions, and I hope someone can help me understand. I'll admit to ignorance about this subject, and I honestly would like to know. Why isn't lung cancer research funded as well as other diseases (i.e., breast cancer, for one)? How do other diseases receive research funding? Is the majority from private, corporate or government sources? I've read postings from some of you that blame the smoking stigma. Is that an assumption or is that what you've learned when you've tried to get funding for lung cancer? I guess I'm surprised that smoking -- which is a very common habit -- would carry a stigma with regard to lung cancer research, especially when you consider the amount of funds devoted to AIDS research. In our society, the behaviors associated with the transmission of AIDS would appear to be just as preventable as smoking, but that doesn't appear to affect the funding. Unhealthy (and preventable) behaviors also account for a lot of heart disease, but there doesn't appear to be a stigma associated with that. What makes one disease more popular for research funding than another, and what needs to happen to get more attention and $$$ for lung cancer research? I would appreciate your thoughts on this. I'd like to see a cure for lung cancer -- or at least a lower morbidity rate -- in my lifetime, but I don't know how to participate in making that happen. Pam
  25. Nothing, unfortunately. We have a guy here from England doing due diligence as part of the process to buy the company, so I have to dress up every day. I want my jeans back!!! Not that it will help me keep my job. As soon as they buy the company, they'll move the office to London, and I'll be looking for my next big adventure. Pam
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